Treasa Posted June 10, 2013 Posted June 10, 2013 Star Gazer, are you feeling more anxious because you're getting to that age where people are starting to say that women are at the last point of being able to bear healthy children, or because you feel like you're in a race with someone? Do you want to get married because you think it's what others are doing? You can answer here, but I'd really like it if you thought about it and answered truly, to yourself, given some time.
amaysngrace Posted June 10, 2013 Posted June 10, 2013 Honestly? If I knew I'd never get there, I wouldn't date. I don't date "just for fun" or to "enjoy the ride." I don't see the point in that. But I don't think I'll never get there; I still have hope. The point is guys like a relaxed cool chick to be with. They don't want to waste their time any more than you do. The last thing anybody wants out of dating is for it to feel like a job or a business proposal, I think. I know I wouldn't find it enjoyable to have all that tension surrounding my getting to know someone period. People are people, not mechanical robots. This is another reason why OLD seems like a drag. It just seems so blasé. 1
fortyninethousand322 Posted June 10, 2013 Posted June 10, 2013 ...is that you get all happy excited and giddy, but at the same time feel really uncomfortable anxiety and nerves about whether they're into you in return. I can't tell you how many times I have checked my phone since this morning's brunch date. I almost feel obsessed. Then of course, there's also the understanding that relationships take time to build, but at the same time wanting to know NOW whether it's going to go anywhere, so as to not waste any time. This, my friends, is why I hate dating. Can anyone relate? You have just described my life in a nutshell. Unfortunately, it's always led to bad things for me....
Author Star Gazer Posted June 10, 2013 Author Posted June 10, 2013 Star Gazer, are you feeling more anxious because you're getting to that age where people are starting to say that women are at the last point of being able to bear healthy children, or because you feel like you're in a race with someone? Do you want to get married because you think it's what others are doing? You can answer here, but I'd really like it if you thought about it and answered truly, to yourself, given some time. I've answered this sooooo many times. It has NOTHING to do with what "society" thinks. Never has, never will. I'm 35, and I want children. The reason I feel PRESSURE now should be obvious. But as for anxiety, I have always, since I started dating at 16, felt this duality of excitement/giddiness and nausea/anxiety. I've always felt it when I'm into someone. If I'm not really into someone, I feel no anxiety whatsoever... Just the looming biological clock.
amaysngrace Posted June 10, 2013 Posted June 10, 2013 I've answered this sooooo many times. It has NOTHING to do with what "society" thinks. Never has, never will. I'm 35, and I want children. The reason I feel PRESSURE now should be obvious. But as for anxiety, I have always, since I started dating at 16, felt this duality of excitement/giddiness and nausea/anxiety. I've always felt it when I'm into someone. If I'm not really into someone, I feel no anxiety whatsoever... Just the looming biological clock. Oh dear. That reeks of desperation. And it's not attractive whatsoever. You're such a beautiful girl with so much on the ball. Your perspective on dating must be the very reason they're not lining up at your door. My goodness....if I had all that you have going on I'd have so much swag that I wouldn't ever fret over if someone calls me or not. I have no idea why you do.... 2
Casablanca Posted June 10, 2013 Posted June 10, 2013 I just... hate it. So, so much. Almost to the point that it takes all the fun out of the giddy stuff. Its a roller coaster, the not knowing, but we all go through it I've answered this sooooo many times. It has NOTHING to do with what "society" thinks. Never has, never will. I'm 35, and I want children. The reason I feel PRESSURE now should be obvious. But as for anxiety, I have always, since I started dating at 16, felt this duality of excitement/giddiness and nausea/anxiety. I've always felt it when I'm into someone. If I'm not really into someone, I feel no anxiety whatsoever... Just the looming biological clock. You have to be careful....I understand where you are coming from, BUT YOU HAVE TO LET IT COME NATURALLY! Not saying you're not, but just want to reinforce it. There isn't much you can do but let it play out. Most things are out of your hands. I use to overthink what I should do as a first date with someone, something more causal like drinks or coffee or something more traditional like dinner, then I realized, honestly it doesn't matter. If she is interested, as long as the first date isn't mcdonalds or applebees or some filthy bar, the choice of the first date isn't going to matter. You can do things like being too clingy, too much contact, talking about marriage/future too soon, etc to scare someone off, but most decisions we make won't change the person's opinion of you and there is nothing that you can do, which is probably just as maddening as the not knowing. Just stay cool and go with the flow. Let nature take its course 1
Emilia Posted June 10, 2013 Posted June 10, 2013 I'm 35, and I want children. The reason I feel PRESSURE now should be obvious. But as for anxiety, I have always, since I started dating at 16, felt this duality of excitement/giddiness and nausea/anxiety. I've always felt it when I'm into someone. There is a girl in my office who is like this. She is 32 or 33 but she feels the pressure and freaks out at the tiniest sign that her SO might not be looking to marry her. She just wants to get married and have kids. That's it. The guys in the office have told her to chill but I think she finds it impossible. I'm not really sure what you can do other than learn how to take the focus away and chanel your energies through other things.
amaysngrace Posted June 10, 2013 Posted June 10, 2013 It's not like... fear. It's more... uncertainty. I hate the feeling of not knowing in the very beginning stages, the whole, "Does he like me too?" feeling. Once I get passed that, I'm good. But until then, anxiety city. Maybe you should be much more concerned about whether or not YOU like HIM since you're the prize here. Also too, another good mantra is to think "no matter what happens it won't change who I am" That will keep the strength of you intact and you won't succumb to feeling weak or vulnerable. 1
KatZee Posted June 10, 2013 Posted June 10, 2013 ...is that you get all happy excited and giddy, but at the same time feel really uncomfortable anxiety and nerves about whether they're into you in return. I can't tell you how many times I have checked my phone since this morning's brunch date. I almost feel obsessed. Then of course, there's also the understanding that relationships take time to build, but at the same time wanting to know NOW whether it's going to go anywhere, so as to not waste any time. This, my friends, is why I hate dating. Can anyone relate? I thought I was going crazy!!! I'm so glad I'm not the only one.
Author Star Gazer Posted June 10, 2013 Author Posted June 10, 2013 There is a girl in my office who is like this. She is 32 or 33 but she feels the pressure and freaks out at the tiniest sign that her SO might not be looking to marry her. She just wants to get married and have kids. That's it. Well, that's not "it" for me. I don't want "just" to get married and have kids. If that's all I wanted, I would have had it by now, ten times over. I want true love. 2
Emilia Posted June 10, 2013 Posted June 10, 2013 Well, that's not "it" for me. I don't want "just" to get married and have kids. If that's all I wanted, I would have had it by now, ten times over. I want true love. Must admit, I'm not sure whether the girl I referred to wants that too or just the marriage....
Casablanca Posted June 10, 2013 Posted June 10, 2013 Well, that's not "it" for me. I don't want "just" to get married and have kids. If that's all I wanted, I would have had it by now, ten times over. I want true love. Good for you...one of my best friends gives me crap that I don't date for fun, but I date for it to hopefully lead to marriage. She is worried that I'm just going to marry someone to marry someone, but I've told her that there are three people I could have married if I asked them, but I didn't. Granted as a man, my biological clock isn't nearly as important as it is for a woman. But never settle and it doesnt sound like you will! 1
Author Star Gazer Posted June 10, 2013 Author Posted June 10, 2013 Oh dear. That reeks of desperation. And it's not attractive whatsoever. You're such a beautiful girl with so much on the ball. Your perspective on dating must be the very reason they're not lining up at your door. My goodness....if I had all that you have going on I'd have so much swag that I wouldn't ever fret over if someone calls me or not. I have no idea why you do.... Maybe you should be much more concerned about whether or not YOU like HIM since you're the prize here. Also too, another good mantra is to think "no matter what happens it won't change who I am" That will keep the strength of you intact and you won't succumb to feeling weak or vulnerable. Huh? Desperation? Because I like someone and hope he likes me too? If you're going to tell me that when you like someone, you don't care at all whether they end up liking you back... Straight up, I don't believe you. That to me means you're devoid of human emotion. As for desperation, I resent that. It couldn't be farther from the truth. I have plenty of options. I literally had 5 dates in 3 days over the weekend, but only one of them was someone I found myself getting giddy for. It's not like I'm letting these men I date define my worth like you're suggesting; that's not the case - AT ALL. At all. I cannot stress that enough. I've said it a thousand times before, and I know you've read all those threads and posts. I know I'm a catch. I'm just having difficultly finding someone who feels for me what I feel for them. 1
Treasa Posted June 10, 2013 Posted June 10, 2013 I'm not sure how you equate giddy with true love, but ok. I think your notion of true love is a little girl's notion, when she's still watching Disney movies and all that. I have true love with someone I'm not giddy about, and it's not even about attraction. It's about compatibility, trust, compassion, etc. Things that aren't exciting, but that last. Have you truly never met a good, decent man in your life who wanted to be with you?
amaysngrace Posted June 10, 2013 Posted June 10, 2013 Huh? Desperation? Because I like someone and hope he likes me too? If you're going to tell me that when you like someone, you don't care at all whether they end up liking you back... Straight up, I don't believe you. That to me means you're devoid of human emotion. As for desperation, I resent that. It couldn't be farther from the truth. I have plenty of options. I literally had 5 dates in 3 days over the weekend, but only one of them was someone I found myself getting giddy for. It's not like I'm letting these men I date define my worth like you're suggesting; that's not the case - AT ALL. At all. I cannot stress that enough. I've said it a thousand times before, and I know you've read all those threads and posts. I know I'm a catch. I'm just having difficultly finding someone who feels for me what I feel for them. Reactions like this is perhaps why you are difficult Star. 2
Treasa Posted June 10, 2013 Posted June 10, 2013 Love is an emotion which comes with elation. I don't agree with Carrie Bradshaw's vision of love but I don't think it should be so dry either. I don't think what he and I do/feel is dry. You can, though.
Author Star Gazer Posted June 10, 2013 Author Posted June 10, 2013 I'm not sure how you equate giddy with true love, but ok. Um, I don't? I'm not sure how you figured I did? I think your notion of true love is a little girl's notion, when she's still watching Disney movies and all that. I haven't even opined about true love and what it means, so I'm not sure how you made this giant leap. Have you truly never met a good, decent man in your life who wanted to be with you? Another giant leap. Of course I have. You're really grasping at straws here. This thread is about the Catch 22. I'm not sure why you're going so far off track and drawing conclusions that couldn't be farther from the truth.
Casablanca Posted June 10, 2013 Posted June 10, 2013 I'm not sure how you equate giddy with true love, but ok. I think your notion of true love is a little girl's notion, when she's still watching Disney movies and all that. I have true love with someone I'm not giddy about, and it's not even about attraction. It's about compatibility, trust, compassion, etc. Things that aren't exciting, but that last. Have you truly never met a good, decent man in your life who wanted to be with you? I'm not picking up on this at all, I get giddy early on when I'm seeing someone new, it doesn't mean love, just means new excitement, the new honey moon period Sure LTRs do lose that giddy feeling over time, but I'd hope there are still times you get excited like for a nice trip or a really nice date or something. The honeymoon feeling giddiness does leave, but it is perfectly natural to have it early on I date out of love. My friend is a hot mess though...she was sort of sheltered growing up and is now this free spirited person who is trying new things and knocking things off from a bucket list and has gotten really "liberal" with the boys....of course she doesnt know if she even ever wants to get married...I also think its a shielding mechanism as she there have been a few boys she has been interested in in a relationshipy kind of way, but those seem to end badly
Treasa Posted June 10, 2013 Posted June 10, 2013 You're really grasping at straws here. This thread is about the Catch 22. I'm not sure why you're going so far off track and drawing conclusions that couldn't be farther from the truth. Ok. (10 characters)
Author Star Gazer Posted June 10, 2013 Author Posted June 10, 2013 Reactions like this is perhaps why you are difficult Star. When someone twists my words and makes a very basic and incredibly common set of emotions related to dating and twists it around and calls me desperate ... it's frustrating. If you think my feelings in response to your inaccurate accusations me difficult, oh well. :shrug:
amaysngrace Posted June 10, 2013 Posted June 10, 2013 It might not be but your description of love makes it sound as if it should be as uncomfortably dry as a nostril on a winter's day. Actually love is comfortable and comforting. Not riddled with panic attacks and drama. 1
Author Star Gazer Posted June 10, 2013 Author Posted June 10, 2013 Actually love is comfortable and comforting. Not riddled with panic attacks and drama. Why are people so focused on love? Please get back to the OP.
amaysngrace Posted June 10, 2013 Posted June 10, 2013 When someone twists my words and makes a very basic and incredibly common set of emotions related to dating and twists it around and calls me desperate ... it's frustrating. If you think my feelings in response to your inaccurate accusations me difficult, oh well. :shrug: I didn't call you desperate but did say it reeks of desperation when you start counting the hours on a biological time clock because THAT was the post of yours that I quoted. The other response that I submitted was in reply to you saying that you become anxious in the beginning while wondering if they like you back. I offered a mantra to help you get past those uneasy feelings and keep your stronger ones in times of weakness. Anyway you aren't looking for help. Just others who can relate to feeling anxious in the beginning and I cannot relate. I usually go with the flow and don't let little things like if someone will text me or if they like me bother me much. I care a lot more about what I think of myself than what other people do. It's how I'm wired. 3
Janesays Posted June 10, 2013 Posted June 10, 2013 Here's an idea and maybe I'm weird for even suggesting it, but if you feel anxiety about whether or not someone likes you, why not just ASK THEM? I've always been pretty upfront about how I'm feeling at any given time, I see no need to 'play it cool' or any other such nonsense that requires me to hide my authentic self. And if ever there were a great guy who was 'chased away' by me LIKING HIM, then that pretty much makes him no so great after all, right? So, here's what I do and it has always worked for me. I simply smile and say, "I'm really into you. What do you think about me?" Did this with the last guy I was seeing and he smiled even bigger and said, "I'm really into you too!" Our wedding is 2 months away. My advice? Don't make things harder than they have to be. If you're wondering about something, just ASK.
KungFuJoe Posted June 10, 2013 Posted June 10, 2013 Haha there is a lot of truth in what you say. Marriage seems like a drag to me. Children seem like a big source of stress and exhaustion. Married people rarely look happy. The only thing is; you get status and social acceptance. Hmmm that might be a bad reason to get married Marriage is purely a symbolic thing. It's like saying "its the thought that counts". A thought can't be materialized...it can't be physical represented, touched, smelled or tasted. But it's there, and it can be worth more than any object. A great marriage is like the most sincere thought you can have. It's basically telling each other that you want to be more than just a "couple". That you trust and love each enough to take the giant leap of faith, to say "eff you" to the statistics and naysayers, and to commit to each other for the rest of your lives. Kind of hard to explain if you're not already in a great marriage because it requires a level of empathy that I don't think ANYONE possesses. But those who are happily (and I mean HAPPILY, not just contently) married understand what I'm talking about.
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