bluegreen Posted June 10, 2013 Posted June 10, 2013 I think its easy to recognize the symptoms yet people choose to ignore them. More they obsess more the other person runs hates them or abuses them why well because they can other person gives them permission. So why feel sorry for the person if everyone around them try's to get them to see a reason and they refuse should you or should you not feel sorry for them? Am honestly curious and I say NO
todreaminblue Posted June 10, 2013 Posted June 10, 2013 please clarify what you mean bluegreen i got lost in your words.....deb
Ordinaryday Posted June 10, 2013 Posted June 10, 2013 When you can't fully function on a day-to-day basis without them. when you look to them as your source of happiness, rather than simply someone you share mutual happiness with. when everytime you get a text message you think it is from them, and you are disappointed when it is not. when you start to get suspicious and angry when they take more than half an hour to respond to a text message, and accuse them of trying to break up with you. when you find yourself thinking about them every moment of the day, and if you go more than a few minutes without think about them you FEEL GUILTY about it as if by not thinking about them you are doing them a disservice. I have been guilty of all these things, and girls have also done them to me. It's not healthy. This is sort of offtopic, but I live in a state where prostitution is legal and regulated, and I have seen prostitutes a few times, and honestly, for where I am at the moment that is better for me. I can't handle the stress of a relationship right now, and pros still give you all the great sex that a relationship should, with none of the crap and mindgames that goes along with it. I read some of the threads on here and they ARE SCARY - and I know this is what some relationships can be like. for me, at this stage in my life, it is easier just to visit the pros. 1
Author bluegreen Posted June 10, 2013 Author Posted June 10, 2013 Sorry Question was when in your opinion does love become obsession. And would you feel sorry for that person or the person affected by someone's obsession?
Ordinaryday Posted June 10, 2013 Posted June 10, 2013 Sorry Question was when in your opinion does love become obsession. And would you feel sorry for that person or the person affected by someone's obsession? I feel sorry for them, as I felt sorry for me. But what I realised is that you should not get your happiness from other people, you should get it from yourself. if you are a deeply unhappy individual who can only be happy when in a relationship, you obviously have self esteem and other problems that being single is simply a symptom of. and yes, this applies to me as well. 2
Author bluegreen Posted June 10, 2013 Author Posted June 10, 2013 I really liked both of your answers 1
Author bluegreen Posted June 10, 2013 Author Posted June 10, 2013 I would also call it selfishness they know its not love if all you want is your satisfaction and not theirs
awaywiththenight Posted June 10, 2013 Posted June 10, 2013 I'd say obesssion is wanting to 'own' a person rather than share happiness with them. Everything they do- you will think it's for you or because of you. If that makes sense ....
todreaminblue Posted June 10, 2013 Posted June 10, 2013 (edited) Sorry Question was when in your opinion does love become obsession. And would you feel sorry for that person or the person affected by someone's obsession? I have had guys obsessed with me.....and for that reason....i would never ever want someone to feel uncomfortable...i have been there and its horrible....you do feel sorry for them a the same time you want to run....and yes i have felt sorry for them i know they are lonely.....for this reason....i never impose on anyone as i have been there..... i let the guy lead in my relationships.......i feel more comfortable that way.....i am not a demanding person and with obsession there is a certain level of demand and expectation....... in saying this every one normally feels a level of obsession one time or another in theri life and in their relationships...i think it is how you handle it that makes the difference...i am ocd ...i know obsession....smilin...if i am wrapped in a guy ill write poetry...and yep about him...it is ungiven unspoken private thoughts that nobody gets to read but me..unless i am actually with him liek my ex......i am not hurting anyone by expressing how i feel....or that i have these warm feelings that i need to express.....or that i can write about his smile for days.......he wont see it or would i ever make him uncomfortable.......mostly i hit delete or rip them up ...bin them....i think when you try and force your feelings onto someone it becomes an unreasonable act against another....... i dont need a man in my life...i am independent...even when in a relationship.....nor does my life exist for another i made that mistake once put a guy ona pedastal.......maybe my family and friends yeah i am here for them..and god must love me, keeps saving my neck...lol ......but i am not a robot who can control who i feel for i dont consider feelings of warmth and love to be wrong ...deb Edited June 10, 2013 by todreaminblue
Author bluegreen Posted June 10, 2013 Author Posted June 10, 2013 I have had guys obsessed with me.....and for that reason....i would never ever want someone to feel uncomfortable...i have been there and its horrible....you do feel sorry for them a the same time you want to run....and yes i have felt sorry for them i know they are lonely.....for this reason....i never impose on anyone as i have been there. That's what I was asking there could not be anything more horrible then having someone not love you but pity you instead 1
robaday Posted June 10, 2013 Posted June 10, 2013 Ive been in both positions, neither are nice!!!Was obsessed with a girl who broke up with me some five years ago, couldnt think straight for over a year and a half, took drugs to fall asleep and get her out of my mind. It was really really scary, dissassociated from myself, didnt know who I was, thought I was some kind of freak for having all these thoughts about her all the time. Went to counselling for over a year and they took me into the roots of why this had happened - abusive parents, drug addiction on my part, suicidal depression, I was clinging to the only bright thing in my life.....which had been her. It hadnt been about her at all, I was just an empty hole with no self identity. Took years to build my self esteem. I was horrible to her, she has forgiven me - we're good friends now, but im still kinda ashamed of the whole thing. But recently a girl did all of this to me. Took it to a bigger level though, threatened violence, accused me of some horrible things....never been so hurt really by anyone particularly someone I cared about a great deal. Its tough really, cause having gone through it on the one hand wanted to be nice to her, try and not have more drama. But on the other, she wasnt respecting any normal boundaries, and I felt a little scared if Im honest! Guess conclusion is: fix your god damn issues before you go dating;) 2
Author bluegreen Posted June 10, 2013 Author Posted June 10, 2013 Yap somehow we all miss that part to be ready to date we had to be ready But love comes and we become blind to our or their issues by the time s... hits a fan its already to late.
todreaminblue Posted June 10, 2013 Posted June 10, 2013 I have had guys obsessed with me.....and for that reason....i would never ever want someone to feel uncomfortable...i have been there and its horrible....you do feel sorry for them a the same time you want to run....and yes i have felt sorry for them i know they are lonely.....for this reason....i never impose on anyone as i have been there. That's what I was asking there could not be anything more horrible then having someone not love you but pity you instead i think when guys get to a certain point of obsession they dotn care about the pity part in fact they will often make you feel sorry for them...they get to you any way they can...obsession when it takes manipulative and demanding traits...is a problem....they eventually resent you because deep down ...they know sympathy has always been the way and it dininishes them as men....so.....they turn violent and take it out on you to prove their masculinity......if you are at the point when they want to take the relationship further...and sympathy doesnt cover sex.......and you are alone with them.......that resentment could happen at that exact moment you say no...."i dont like you that way".....and this is where onbsession gets rank..............deb 1
Author bluegreen Posted June 10, 2013 Author Posted June 10, 2013 Hm now you gave me something to think about
todreaminblue Posted June 10, 2013 Posted June 10, 2013 Hm now you gave me something to think about what i posted above is really extreme........and it doesnt only equate to men.......but women too....its psychiatric time at that level....and seeing how i have stayed in psych wards i have heard the stories in group therapy....deb
Debbie2508 Posted June 10, 2013 Posted June 10, 2013 Hi blue green,I get where you're coming from,and if I wasn't going through this(admittedly self imposed)hell myself,would probably agree that sympathy should be limited. I feel so embarrassed at the pathetic way I'm behaving. It feels worse because,at 51 I don't even have the "young and foolish"card to play. My ex and I broke up 5 months ago. There were no arguments, no harsh words and no-one else involved. I think this makes it worse,in a way. I haven't stalked him,but have asked to meet for a drink a couple of times and been told that its a bad idea as it'd open old wounds....... and the rational part of me realistic thats true. But....... the stronger,irrational part of me just wants to se him so badly,to look into his eyes and see if there's anything still there . I still can't believe its over,after all we were to each other and all we went through.And,yes,I'm sure 99% of people here feel the same about their bu's,but manage to move on. That's great,and I can't praise them enough for their will power and strength of character...... but we're not all that strong. I wish I could stop obsessing,I wish I could love myself and "pull myself together"and become a better,stronger person,but its gone too far for that ( again,I realise I only have myself to blame). I'm feeling more and more hopeless as the days go on. I'm having counselling,and although I feel the counsellor really understands what I'm going through,I don't think its actually helping.Yes,I understand why I feel this way,but it doesn't help me feel better about myself. I don't like myself,I don't want to spend every hour with someone I don't like. But I'm aware that the only person who can help me,is me......and I don't have the will.energy or desire to do so. I'm not looking for sympathy,just wanted to give my opinion on your thought provoking question. 1
Leigh 87 Posted June 10, 2013 Posted June 10, 2013 (edited) My love for my ex was an obsession. We became everything to each other. To an unhealthy degree. We could not function without one another. If they were ill, I needed to hold them in bed all day, for days on end at times. They felt happy only when they had me to comfort them. I felt the same. While with them, we would both feel incredibly scared about the mere thought of life without each other. We would talk to each other about those scary feelings. That is why No Contact can be so hard. You need to let each other go, but it is very very very VERY hard to actually let go of something that was everything to you. It feels unnatural. Like you're being forced to cut your own arm off. You have no inclination to want to actually go without them. Intelligently, you know it is the right thing to do. Your heart CAN sometimes overpower logic. Sometimes love/dependence/whatever strong feeling you feel, can overpower all else. The thing is, some people choose to put themselves through more pain than they need. Initially I could not HELP but contact the ex. And he was the same. Now, though, I have come to a point where I am strong enough to fight against such strong urges. Because if you do not be strong in the short term, you are willingly torturing yourself for many, many months. And years in some cases. Once you're in love, it will continue to be an obsession unless all contact is broken. I don't believe the deepest type of obsession and connectedness and "love" as you will, dies a NATURAL death. You have to make actual steps to enforce that the love is burnt out. Or it will remain an obsession that will rule your life. Edited June 10, 2013 by Leigh 87 1
Debbie2508 Posted June 10, 2013 Posted June 10, 2013 Great post Leigh, you seem to have come on in leaps and bounds recently, well done x
Leigh 87 Posted June 10, 2013 Posted June 10, 2013 Great post Leigh, you seem to have come on in leaps and bounds recently, well done x Thanks. I am not doing well at all though. I gave everything I had to a certain person. My whole world has gone and I am starting anew. I have literally lost everything I woke up and went to sleep for; my family. The 4 dogs. And idiot ex. They were the MAIN thing I thought about in my life. It is just so hard to carry on and even accept such a brutal loss of a person and a life you shared for years. I can only imagine what it is like for those of you that invested more years than I did (2.5 years for me). It was obsession. I love intensively and like partners who clearly feel the same way. I want to make it into a healthy obsession. Which probably should not even be classified as an "obsession" to begin with. If it is healthy. I think myself, along with many other heartbroken individuals on here, need to figure out how to channel our 'obsession" in a healthy manner, where we are not left feeling like our whole WORLD has ended. When the obsession is not there to be obsessed about.
Author bluegreen Posted June 11, 2013 Author Posted June 11, 2013 Hi blue green,I get where you're coming from,and if I wasn't going through this(admittedly self imposed)hell myself,would probably agree that sympathy should be limited. I feel so embarrassed at the pathetic way I'm behaving. It feels worse because,at 51 I don't even have the "young and foolish"card to play. My ex and I broke up 5 months ago. There were no arguments, no harsh words and no-one else involved. I think this makes it worse,in a way. I haven't stalked him,but have asked to meet for a drink a couple of times and been told that its a bad idea as it'd open old wounds....... and the rational part of me realistic thats true. But....... the stronger,irrational part of me just wants to se him so badly,to look into his eyes and see if there's anything still there . I still can't believe its over,after all we were to each other and all we went through.And,yes,I'm sure 99% of people here feel the same about their bu's,but manage to move on. That's great,and I can't praise them enough for their will power and strength of character...... but we're not all that strong. I wish I could stop obsessing,I wish I could love myself and "pull myself together"and become a better,stronger person,but its gone too far for that ( again,I realise I only have myself to blame). I'm feeling more and more hopeless as the days go on. I'm having counselling,and although I feel the counsellor really understands what I'm going through,I don't think its actually helping.Yes,I understand why I feel this way,but it doesn't help me feel better about myself. I don't like myself,I don't want to spend every hour with someone I don't like. But I'm aware that the only person who can help me,is me......and I don't have the will.energy or desire to do so. I'm not looking for sympathy,just wanted to give my opinion on your thought provoking question. Am glad you saw it that way
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