juliebijoux Posted June 10, 2013 Posted June 10, 2013 My break-up was three weeks ago after about 15 months together. He said that he didn't want this to be his last relationship. He needs space. He wants to learn how to be on his own. But when he feels ready he will come and find me because he still wants me and loves me. For now he wants us to be friends. He says he wants to make himself ready to be in the position to be in a relationship with me someday. I will say that the break-up was honest coming from him. He wasn't leading me along. He broke up when the relationship started feeling too heavy for him. But I didn't want to be friends after or have hope that he will come back in the future. So knowing I could not be friends, I started no contact. Then it was my birthday Thursday. I got a happy birthday text from him. I didn't respond. Then I got a late night text asking if I was up and that he was missing me. Then the next day I got a text telling me that he wished he could be celebrate with me. Later I gave in and texted him back saying I wished he would be there. And then from there we got into a big conversation because I'm moving on in my life but I feel bad because I am missing him. This spiraled into a whole days worth of conversation. Now he just told me to stop talking to him because I'm driving him insane. I can't believe I fell into the trap of breadcrumbs and now I feel back to square one. I don't feel any better now. Only worse. He still feels the same. He says it isn't a conflict that he both wants to be with me, but needs to work on himself. Breaking no contact is a terrible idea. I just need to drill it in my head that missing me is not the same as wanting to be in a relationship with me. I have feeling much better. When the break-up happened, I expected to be crying in a fetal position on my birthday, but I went out and celebrated. I didn't feel sad. Today however? Not so good. I just want to be able to move on and I know NC is the only way to go.
Leigh 87 Posted June 10, 2013 Posted June 10, 2013 Oh dear, I am so sorry for what you're going through. 15 months is enough time to figure if he thinks you're a women he wants to marry and commit to for a long time. His reasoning suggests to me, that while he was really into you as a person and enjoyed spending a lot of time with you (which is a compliment!), he is just not IN love with you. Men who are deeply in love tend to want to marry and commit within a 2 year period, although some do not think about marrying in that period, but they certainly don't doubt their partner if they are IN love. It is you're job now to maintain No Contact. With No Contact, just think! You will literally stop caring if he is with new people! Imagine being free of the pain that is felt over him and his actions in life? In the end, he has known you long enough to realise if he has made a huge mistake. Just continue on like he is not in love with you and never will be. That way, if he came back one day, it is on YOUR terms; YOU may be the one who is already over HIM, and YOU get to decide if you want to just continue living happily without him, or give it another go if he is desperate to prove that he made the biggest mistake of his life letting you go. I would be wrong about him not being in love with you; there was a poster on here who's guy left her after about 15 months, due to commitment issues. He could not see himself committing to any women. She moved on with total No Contact, expecting to never be with him again. Two months or so later, he sent a compelling message to her. He was desperate to start again with her and work on his commitment issues, because he wanted to be with her badly enough to overcome everything. Now, this is the rare exception! I know only two people out of literally HUNDREDS, who have had their ex boyfriends come back due to truly being IN love with their ex girlfriend, and wanting to try again. Personally, I want to believe my relationship will be like in the movies, where the guy comes Back and realises he made a huge mistake. Unfortunately, we will lose ALL our dignity and self respect if we hold onto any hope and waver from No Contact. We HAVE to live for US now. relying on hope that a guy will come back is akin to us saying "I am not worth more than waiting around for a dude who LEFT" Good luck with it all. I am struggling so much with No Contact, but I am really excited about how, in mere months from now, I will be free of this pain!
Author juliebijoux Posted June 10, 2013 Author Posted June 10, 2013 Ha! I just posted my story in your No Contact Horror stories thread. Thank you for your words. I just have to be strong. I need to do this on my terms now because I want to move on and be happy. I will not be able to do this if I keep on getting sucked back in. He told me in a year, he will be in a position in his job to move closer to my area. It is where his family and many of his old friends live. He says that once he feels ready, he will come and find me. But I think that is just his way of being nice because he feels bad for hurting me. Like you said, a man who really loves you wouldn't leave.
inaya42 Posted June 10, 2013 Posted June 10, 2013 i am very sorry that you are hurting. it is likely that your ex said what he believed at the time, and what he felt would best position you to remain in a holding place until/if he decides to resume the relationship. try your best not to judge your ex or yourself too harshly. a man or woman can love a person very much and still leave -- because emotionally healthy people are able to set feelings aside and use foresight, reflection, and logic to make long-term decisions about their romantic (and other aspects of their) lives. with that being said, it is still in your best interest to remain NC and do your best to move on. today you are single. how might you make it a good day for you?
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