Getting over his past

[mschocolat]

I've been in a relationship with my boyfriend for about a year and 1 month.

Once I really started to love him, the problem about his past began.

I'm 24 and he is my first ever boyfriend. I never had any dates, kisses, holding hands that kind of stuff every in my life whereas for my boyfriend, I'm his 3rd girlfriend (he's 23) and 2nd serious girlfriend.

Anyways, I'd be totally fine some days but other days, I get so haunted by his past relationship(both how it was emotionally and sexually) that I keep thinking of breaking up. It's my irrational mind talking but how do I seriously get over this?

I tried to focus on positive things like; I'm his first love, not infatuation. it's his first longest continual relationship, i'm the first one to meet all his family and friends etc. These are really nice things to focus on but even then, I get all sad when i keep thinking about what he and the ex had together.

Even his sexual past. I'm a virgin but he's not. I'm waiting till marriage (which he is totally cool about) but i feel like the image of him having sex with another woman will haunt me so much.

 

Just so you know, we are in a very serious relationship, talking about marriages, love each other dearly, so I really want to work on problem. Will seeing a therapist help? This is clearly my problem because i would have the same issue with any other guys who have had past also that's when i start thinking 'f****, maybe i should be alone forever'

[leafguy]

The past is the past for a reason. Focusing on it will skew your vision of the present. I can tell you from experience that nothing good will become of it.

Your bf from what you say loves you very much and has been with you for a while. If he is comfortable talking marriage, respecting your wishes to wait until that point before taking your virginity, then he obviously loves you very much.

 

My advice would be to find an outlet to deal with these negative thoughts because they will only make things worse.

 

Im going to guess that at 24 and never any dates or anything that you had an extremely strict upbringing or are deeply religious (no offense intended, but at 24 I find that very uncommon). Odds are most guys you find at this age will have been in at least a couple serious relationships and/or had a couple of partners.

 

My advice on the subject is that the past is the past and neither of you can change it, so why focus on it. You said you are talking about the future so thats where you should focus your thoughts (present and future). He respects your views enough to want to stick around and wait until marriage and cares enough that you can talk about marriage, house etc.

 

Therapy might be a good option, but an expensive one. Ive been prone to erratic thoughts from time to time and all it takes is one little one to spin things out of control. My typical outlet is writing out my thoughts and ask myself why I have them, is there anything I can do about them, how I can fix them.

 

For an issue such as this one, Im assuming his past is decent and you are simply struggling with the fact it wont be his first time. Odds are you won't find a guy with your situation, so if he is the one, thats what you need to tell yourself.

[Eggplant]

I may be off base, but I wonder whether you are receiving enough good signs from him. Does he show affection? Is he mad about you? If he were passionate about you, would you be having the same worries? You've never dated before, so you don't have a baseline to compare him with.