What is your take on commitment?

[youngnlove89]

For those of you who have followed my threads you may know that I have gotten back together with the very same man who couldn't commit to me as boyfriend and girlfriend. Now, he did commit to me in the sense that we were monogamous and loyal to each other, but was afraid of putting a title on it because titles make him nervous and he always thinks that the relationship will become worse when there are expectations. And he has a good point.

 

His friend recently got divorced. Together for 20 years. But stuck around because marriage was supposed to be like that. You suck it up, you stay, you made a commitment together, you can't break that. But are you really happy with that person you dedicated your life too? You tell yourself you are, because you made a vow "until death do us part", didn't you? But the cold reality is his friend stopped loving his wife years ago, but stayed because he felt obligated. I can't help but think that is awful.

 

There are many instances that go like this. My parents marriage also. They stayed for me. Until my dad got so tired of routine that he cheated on my mom. He told me he stopped loving her that way a long time ago. But marriage kept them together. Even if they weren't happy.

 

I think that society has taught us that if you don't put a label on a relationship, it loses it's meaning. But I've come to learn that if you are happy with your partner and you can trust them then that it is more important than having a label. If you can look at your partner and say that you love your best friend and you wouldn't want it with anyone else, isn't that enough of a commitment?

 

For instance, I know people who are married and aren't happy together. But since they are married, they should be happy together, right? We create that vision that they are. That's the whole reason they got married, isn't it? So when did it stop? When did they stop loving each other and keeping the spark alive?

 

On the other hand, I know people who aren't married and are completely happy and have the greatest relationship with their best friend. They are dedicated and loyal to each other and are knowingly in love. BUT society has taught them that if you don't put a label on a relationship or get married, then you aren't committed to each other. And they must not really love you.

 

So what happens in the second situation? Fear reeks havoc. You start to wonder and obsess about the value of your relationship. Rather than just enjoying the companionship and loyalty of your partner, you lose yourself to these expectations that in order to have a successful relationship, you must have a title, you must eventually become married. Or else you are doomed. They don't love you if they don't believe in marriage or titles.

 

I've also know people who were great together, then got married and lost that spark after marriage. As if there were nothing else to shoot for, the road had come to an end. The excitement of engagement and planning a wedding and getting married and having kids is over now. What's next? People become bored and they forget to maintain that excitement. They lose the spark and then some cheat or eventually clock out emotionally and ask for a divorce. Because they forgot WHY they got married.

 

I feel like some people get married for the idea of it. Because in movies that's what people do. They get married when they love someone.

 

Right now I am fearful. And I don't know why.

 

My relationship has immensely grown. It really has, and sure some might claim it is only a matter of time. But you are your own judge. He has turned a corner and we have met half way. I can SEE his love. I can FEEL it. He is opening up to me. He is inviting me out with his friends now. Taking me on trips. Caring for me. Showing me his affection. Giving me more. We laugh. We flirt. We have fun together. He is my best friend. What more could I ask for? I am entirely happy. And I can see he is too.

 

But I can't grasp this whole commitment thing. This union of spending a life together forever and signing a paper to confirm that. To make it permanent. It's so SCARY. It seems so final. I'm scared of that kind of commitment. I'm scared of ruining what we have. Marriage seems to be so unsuccessful for people who were so happy before marriage. Is it true that marriage ruins that spark?

 

So I conclude this thread with a question of do you have to get married, or do you have to have a title in order to have a successful committed relationship that will last forever?

 

What do you guys think? I'd love to hear opinions!

[Roadkill007]

Marriage is simply the couple telling the world that they're confident in their relationship and are ready to tackle together everyone the world throws their way, together. You don't need it, no. It's simply a declaration and a public vow. If you are feeling cold feet, chances are that you aren't ready and should take it a bit slower, forget about the whole "commitment" and just try to deepen your relationship with the guy.

 

Some general advice, count two years since the time you've first really felt that you "loved" him. If you are feeling less passionate about him in the months after the 2 year mark, it's pretty much normal, and that's the end of the honeymoon phase. Everything else that you've built up to that point, along with both of your continued efforts, will be necessary to regain that passionate portion of your love. A lot of couples often stop putting in effort because they were used to the effortless highs of the honeymoon period, and they start feeling the diminishing rewards. Yes you can fall out of love... but once you're in love, you both must work to sustain it, or it WILL die. That's the biggest thing that society doesn't teach us; all we hear are "happy ever after" stories. We're "taught" that everything will be just fine when you meet that perfect guy and fall in love together.

 

So basically, don't worry too much about marriage. It may or may not be right for you two. Just be ready to work to keep your relationship alive and breathing, and try not to let it wither away along with your love. (that sounds really cool but isn't really what I wanted to say... but whatever lol)

[gaius]

So I conclude this thread with a question of do you have to get married, or do you have to have a title in order to have a successful committed relationship that will last forever?

I don't think you necessarily need a title to make a relationship last forever, but you do have to have two people who are both willing to meet each others needs. To give and take a little. I don't view a monogamous relationship as just the promise not to sleep with other people. If my girlfriend wouldn't call me her boyfriend when we were basically dating monogamously, even if she knew it was important to me, I wouldn't find her a worthwhile partner. If she wouldn't even compromise that little. I don't see that as much of a commitment at all.

 

But that's just my opinion. Doesn't mean anyone who see's it otherwise is wrong.

[Zio Corda]

I'm sorry you have such a negative view of marriage. My wife and I's marriage has given us security, contentment and sexual freedom. And all we had to do was promise to love each other, sign a piece of paper, and throw a party!

[Els]

Personally, I don't consider mere exclusivity to be commitment. IMO, sticking things out and helping each other through the tough times, not just being there for the good ones, is commitment. Marriage is a whole other level entirely, a 'lifelong' commitment. Obviously, definitions would differ according to the individual - there isn't any right one.

 

I don't think that marriage in itself is the risk, more so the fact that by human nature, people sometimes tend to take each other for granted after years of being together. Very long-term de facto relationships haven't been proven to be any more successful at remaining intact than marriages, though I don't personally consider them inferior either (just not for me).

 

That all being said, IMO at 24 (you're 24, right? Based on your DOB?) it's quite normal to not feel like you want marriage. It's normal to just want to have fun and enjoy your time with a person and not desire a long-term commitment or a lifelong one. I was your age a couple of years ago, and I definitely wasn't considering marriage then, despite having been in a committed R with the bf for 3 years then. It was only recently that the thought of wanting it even entered my mind, and even now I think it would be prudent to wait a couple more years til my late 20s, before I make a lifelong commitment.

 

TL;DR: I think you're right in that you should just enjoy what you have now.

[thefooloftheyear]

Couple of things....

 

Because of the colossal failure rate of marriage(stats say 50%, but in reality how many more actually should be divorced and dont), I believe they should make a marriage a "renewable contract" like, say, every 4-5 years you have the possibility of re-evaluating where you are in the relationship and either decide everythings great and re-up or move on without too much fanfare..

 

Unfortunately, due a lot tp factors such as kids and econimics, people get stuck in dead marriages. People throw around divorcing like its a walk in the park..Its not..Its devastating..I think I read somewhere that it is one of the most stressful events in one persons entire life..As someone who is in the teeth of one now, I can concur..Its quite unpleasant.

 

YNL...You are a kid..Dont get too serious. Personally I think you are setting yourself up for a huge letdown if you got back with the last ex(I havent been following it too closely. What makes you think that everything will be OK? I wish you well..I really do..Enjoy y our youth and dont get hung up on this one deal..my .02..

 

TFY

[Els]

I believe they should make a marriage a "renewable contract" like, say, every 4-5 years you have the possibility of re-evaluating where you are in the relationship and either decide everythings great and re-up or move on without too much fanfare..

 

This already exists in many places - it's called a de facto relationship. Do you not have that over there?

[thefooloftheyear]

This already exists in many places - it's called a de facto relationship. Do you not have that over there?

 

Not that I am aware of...I would think that would be a pretty popular deal..But it would almost have to be religion nuetral and non denominational..

 

TFY

[youngnlove89]

Thanks for the replies.

 

I am 23, will be 24 soon. I know I am young and am by no means ready for the big, I DO. I see it as a possibility in the future, but am very fearful of it. For I see so many failed marriages and infidelity that I'm afraid to let someone in like that. Just so they can hurt me. I can't handle that kind of vulnerability.

 

Even with my current relationship, I am scared. I have this immense fear that it won't work out. So as soon as we get close again, I push him away. I ignore his calls, I don't call back right away, I say I'm busy, I become kind of cold, just so I can re-establish a safety net, regain control and power back in my life. Once I have that, I'm ready again, but only to a certain amount. It's a push and pull thing.

 

I'm scared of the big commitment because I'm afraid the person will leave me right when I love them the most. I'm afraid of death, divorce and infidelity.

 

I think that being with a commitment phobe has turned me into one.

[Woggle]

There are genuinely happy marriages where both people truly love each other but they are very rare. I would have never settled for anything less in my life.

[youngnlove89]

There are genuinely happy marriages where both people truly love each other but they are very rare. I would have never settled for anything less in my life.

 

 

I know that. but I don't see that many anymore. And it makes me wonder if I'll be the lucky one to have a marriage like that or if I'm just going to be miserable.

 

I'm just scared of the unknown.

[Woggle]

I know that. but I don't see that many anymore. And it makes me wonder if I'll be the lucky one to have a marriage like that or if I'm just going to be miserable.

 

I'm just scared of the unknown.

 

If I got lucky anybody can. You just have to marry for the right reasons and know who you are marrying. Also be 100% who you are and don't put on a false persona to catch a spouse because nobody can keep up a charade forever.

[youngnlove89]

If I got lucky anybody can. You just have to marry for the right reasons and know who you are marrying. Also be 100% who you are and don't put on a false persona to catch a spouse because nobody can keep up a charade forever.

 

Maybe I'm just one of those people who will take longer than others. Jennifer Aniston took forever to find her perfect man. I didn't know if she would ever get married. But she is so pretty and she deserves to find someone like that.

 

The whole kids thing scares me too. I'm afraid of loving someone so much that if anything happened to them it would kill me.

 

Why do I have this fear?

[Roadkill007]

Why do I have this fear?

 

 

Everyone has fear of the unknown, and this is something that's unknown for you in your near future. It's like first day of work, hoping you'll fit in just fine and that you won't get stuck with a bunch of asshats

 

There are things you can and can't control in your life. Many of these things are things you can't control... the only thing you can control is your reaction to these events and the way you handle them. So understand things you CAN control and prepare for them, while not overthinking about things you CAN'T control.

[thefooloftheyear]

Maybe I'm just one of those people who will take longer than others. Jennifer Aniston took forever to find her perfect man. I didn't know if she would ever get married. But she is so pretty and she deserves to find someone like that.

 

The whole kids thing scares me too. I'm afraid of loving someone so much that if anything happened to them it would kill me.

 

Why do I have this fear?

 

 

You're a young kid....relax...

 

One thing...NEVER base anything on what the so called "stars" and Hollwood Elite are doing..Look at the freakshow that is the Kardashians..What a disaster.. These people live in an alternate reality that isnt something you or I will ever conceive of knowing anything about.

 

Im sure you will be an excellent mom..It comes natural to most people.

 

You are just micro analyzing things too much. Be a kid and enjoy your life.. You will know when the "right one" comes along..But be careful.. Dont settle for anything..Too many people get married for the wrong reasons.. Looks are important, but not everything. People change over time and its the core beliefs that hold things together.

 

One more thing, amd this is VERY IMPORTANT...I wished I had taken this advice,..Opposites attract only when you are talking about magnets. For people to marry or settle down with someone who is opposed to you on many things is just about a guaranteed recipe for failure.

 

TFY

[youngnlove89]

Thanks.

 

A few years ago I went on a date with Mr. Perfect, he was everything I ever thought I wanted. But I was afraid of him because he wanted marriage, kids and to prosper and grow. He really liked me, but I couldn't open up to him and eventually told him I wasn't interested. Even though I was. He moved on, met another girl and they are now living together, got a dog together and are always out having fun. He is a Facebook friend so that's how I know.

 

Why couldn't I be with him? He was attractive, made good money and was commitment minded. But that scared me.

 

Now, I've been dating a guy for 2 years that is quite the opposite of commitment minded. I love him, I do. But I complain about how he doesn't want this or that, but yet I choose to be with him, I choose to stay and settle for what he has to offer me. BUT the minute a guy shows me any kind of commitment or overwhelming love, I freak and I hide until I feel safe to come out.

 

I just don't know what I want. If I wanted commitment so badly, I would go out and get it, right? All of this has just made me think a lot about what I really want.

[tman666]

With great risk can come great reward, I've found. It can also result is great loss. I think that this is basically the way the universe works. If a person constantly lives within their comfort zone, right in the middle of the bell curve, their results will most likely match.

 

Does a title make a relationship? I think not. All one has to do to see this is look at how many unhappy marriages there are. A good relationship is based on mutual support, mutual love, mutual trust, and a lot of WORK from both people.

 

One of the things about marriage (as an institution or title) is that I think it can help solidify a relationship in that it makes it more difficult to simply pack your bags and leave. There will be times in every relationship where the thought of spending another second with the other person seems unbearable. With a wide-open door, it's much easier to do this. Divorce is such a large disincentive for ending things that hopefully it forces people to try harder to reconcile differences, rekindle passion, rebuild trust, etc., even if it is a long and difficult journey.

 

As far as marriage/kids: I don't know that I know anyone, including myself, who has truly felt 100% unafraid of such things. They are both huge, life changing events, that no matter how much one prepares for, they almost never feel 100% ready.

 

For what it's worth, I think you guys, having just gotten back together, shouldn't even be thinking in terms of long term commitment, legally binding or otherwise, yet. If you guys are still going strong a few years down the road, it might be worth starting to think about it. Right now though, don't get too caught up in worrying about it.

[youngnlove89]

Thanks Tmann, we are definitely not even talking about that kind of commitment yet. This is just me trying to figure out what I want as a person. And concluding if I am in the right relationship to get what I want.

 

We still have a lot of work to do in our own relationship. After so many back and forth and push and pull we are working on gaining that stability and trust again.

 

He is buying a house by the end of this year and has already made plans with one of his guy friends to be his roommate. I am not entirely happy about that as he didn't even consider me as an option. But at the same time, I understand. We have a history of breaking up and getting back together that moving in should be the last thing on our minds right now. Plus, when I really think about it, I don't know if it would work out right now. But eventually, after more time together and we have created a stable relationship then yes, I would hope to be an option for him to move in together. I would hope we would be on the same page when that time comes.

[Els]

Not that I am aware of...I would think that would be a pretty popular deal..But it would almost have to be religion nuetral and non denominational..

 

TFY

 

It's pretty much just a legal entitlement, no religious/social ceremonies for it. You receive some of the legal benefits that married couples do, after living together for a certain period of time, but can separate without any alimony/assets issues (unless you bought assets in both your names). The specific legal entitlements and number of years of cohabitation required to qualify probably differ depending on country, as well as the consequences of splitting up (though they are definitely much less severe than the legal ramifications of a divorce).

 

Thanks for the replies.

 

 

I am 23, will be 24 soon. I know I am young and am by no means ready for the big, I DO. I see it as a possibility in the future, but am very fearful of it. For I see so many failed marriages and infidelity that I'm afraid to let someone in like that. Just so they can hurt me. I can't handle that kind of vulnerability.

 

Even with my current relationship, I am scared. I have this immense fear that it won't work out. So as soon as we get close again, I push him away. I ignore his calls, I don't call back right away, I say I'm busy, I become kind of cold, just so I can re-establish a safety net, regain control and power back in my life. Once I have that, I'm ready again, but only to a certain amount. It's a push and pull thing.

 

I'm scared of the big commitment because I'm afraid the person will leave me right when I love them the most. I'm afraid of death, divorce and infidelity.

 

I think that being with a commitment phobe has turned me into one.

 

I'm not sure the bolded is a logical reason for not desiring to commit? Not bashing on you, just pondering. Your choice to commit has little bearing on the other person's choice, no? Even if you are not committed, they can still leave you when you love them the most. And vice versa. Unless you are referring more towards guarding yourself from investing emotionally too much in a relationship, rather than long-term commitments per se? In that case, I suppose I would ask you the question: Do you think it is better to have loved and lost, or to never have loved at all?

[thefooloftheyear]

Here is another thing to add...

 

I got married at the same age as the OP is now.. Now iin my 40's I realize that I didnt know shyt about life back then. And I was more responsible than most at that age, I put myself through college and was already a homeowner for 2 years. But knowing what I know now, NO effin way would I get married to the same person today for the same reason.

 

I was just blinded by the Double D's... ..It was like THAT was all that mattered...How effin stupid is that? And I consider myself an intelligent person. Sheesh...

 

Point is take your time and know who you are and what you want...If the other person isnt pretty much aligned, then its a recipe for failure 100% guaranteed.

 

TFY

[youngnlove89]

I'm not sure the bolded is a logical reason for not desiring to commit? Not bashing on you, just pondering. Your choice to commit has little bearing on the other person's choice, no? Even if you are not committed, they can still leave you when you love them the most. And vice versa. Unless you are referring more towards guarding yourself from investing emotionally too much in a relationship, rather than long-term commitments per se? In that case, I suppose I would ask you the question: Do you think it is better to have loved and lost, or to never have loved at all?

 

Yes. This.

 

I'm in it now, so I can't turn back. I already love him too much and I find myself pulling away now.

[Treasa]

On the other hand, I know people who aren't married and are completely happy and have the greatest relationship with their best friend. They are dedicated and loyal to each other and are knowingly in love. BUT society has taught them that if you don't put a label on a relationship or get married, then you aren't committed to each other. And they must not really love you.

 

 

This is my situation, and no one's ever given me **** about it. And if they did, I'd tell them to eat me.

 

Who gives a **** what "society" thinks. Most people are too focused on their own lives to give a crap about yours anyway, which is a good thing.

[youngnlove89]

This is my situation, and no one's ever given me **** about it. And if they did, I'd tell them to eat me.

 

Who gives a **** what "society" thinks. Most people are too focused on their own lives to give a crap about yours anyway, which is a good thing.

 

 

You are the most brilliant person on here. Your shining demeanor is so uplifting. It's nice to have someone of your caliber on here. Always thinking positive. Good attitude!