Author emoore2013 Posted June 10, 2013 Author Posted June 10, 2013 He also has had one serious relationship prior; he's 21. From the looks of it, it doesn't seem like he's interested in something serious. We're both in college.
Quiet Storm Posted June 10, 2013 Posted June 10, 2013 The lies + the comments are a red flag, IMO. Ask his friends what they meant by that statement. Has he been diagnosed with a mental illness or personality disorder? If you want a dependable boyfriend, I'd pass. He's already lying, so you already can't even depend on him to be honest with you. His friends are probably trying to warn you. My sister is a Borderline and she has no problem finding dates. She seems perfectly normal at first, and appears to be a great catch. However, she gets attached very quickly and then the drama starts. Before you know it she is crying, threatening, accusing, manipulating. The men are probably thinking "WTF did I get myself into?". I know some of her friends have warned her dates. Many people think that mental illness means a person is not smart or they are noticibly crazy. It's usually not that way. Many people suffering from mental illness function well for the most part, until they are faced with stress or conflict in their life. It can be very subtle. If people that know him say he is "mentally off", then I would not ignore that information. Have you seen him under stress or pressure yet? How does he deal with conflict? My guess is that his "out of character" or "mean" behavior comes out under stress. How a person deals with stress is a HUGE clue when it comes to choosing a partner. You do not want to be on the receiving end of one of his episodes. If he is mentally ill, you will want to avoid allowing him to become too attached to you.
Author emoore2013 Posted June 10, 2013 Author Posted June 10, 2013 The lies + the comments are a red flag, IMO. Ask his friends what they meant by that statement. Has he been diagnosed with a mental illness or personality disorder? If you want a dependable boyfriend, I'd pass. He's already lying, so you already can't even depend on him to be honest with you. His friends are probably trying to warn you. My sister is a Borderline and she has no problem finding dates. She seems perfectly normal at first, and appears to be a great catch. However, she gets attached very quickly and then the drama starts. Before you know it she is crying, threatening, accusing, manipulating. The men are probably thinking "WTF did I get myself into?". I know some of her friends have warned her dates. Many people think that mental illness means a person is not smart or they are noticibly crazy. It's usually not that way. Many people suffering from mental illness function well for the most part, until they are faced with stress or conflict in their life. It can be very subtle. If people that know him say he is "mentally off", then I would not ignore that information. Have you seen him under stress or pressure yet? How does he deal with conflict? My guess is that his "out of character" or "mean" behavior comes out under stress. How a person deals with stress is a HUGE clue when it comes to choosing a partner. You do not want to be on the receiving end of one of his episodes. If he is mentally ill, you will want to avoid allowing him to become too attached to you. I feel like if anyone were to become too attached it would be me. It seems like he's not looking to settle down anytime soon. I have seen him get in quarrels with one person and he does yell A LOT while trying to avoid avoid talking things out or resolving the situation. Overall, I don't think he likes dealing with his emotions and wishes to avoid conflict of any kind. Personally, that's somewhat of a turn off because I strongly believe in good lines of communication in a relationship. Although, I don't like getting into tiffs either as it stresses me out, as it would with most people. I do think they are trying to warn me though. Although it is college, it's slightly off-putting when I run into a seemingly amazing guy who is 100% single, and hasn't had any real relationships for a while. I feel like the shine will wear off eventually if and when his true self comes out. I just don't like the white lies and not to mention he has somewhat of a Napoleon complex.
Trimmer Posted June 10, 2013 Posted June 10, 2013 I have seen him get in quarrels with one person and he does yell A LOT while trying to avoid avoid talking things out or resolving the situation. Overall, I don't think he likes dealing with his emotions and wishes to avoid conflict of any kind. Uh... I think we're going to have to add these to the "downsides" column on your Reliable BF spreadsheet... I do think they are trying to warn me though. I do think that's a definite possibility. Like just saying he's "insane" could be, as someone pointed out earlier, that he's a crazy, fun-loving boundary breaker... But to say "clinically" kind of underlines it, like "no, I'm serious, like really crazy", even if it doesn't have a technical meaning. It sure does sound like a tactfully-delivered warning, doesn't it? ...it's slightly off-putting when I run into a seemingly amazing guy who is 100% single, and hasn't had any real relationships for a while. I don't normally like judging a person based on relationship numbers, etc. but it does seem consistent that even though he looks great on the surface, if he does have these worrying red flags and issues, that could be why he doesn't have much successful recent relationship history for a seemingly amazing guy. I'm not claiming that it proves anything, but it is consistent with the overall view that is emerging... If you were my daughter, I think I'd say: if you see a pattern of red flags and concerns, don't spend a lot of time trying to make excuses for him and rationalize your way around them.
Author emoore2013 Posted June 11, 2013 Author Posted June 11, 2013 Uh... I think we're going to have to add these to the "downsides" column on your Reliable BF spreadsheet... I do think that's a definite possibility. Like just saying he's "insane" could be, as someone pointed out earlier, that he's a crazy, fun-loving boundary breaker... But to say "clinically" kind of underlines it, like "no, I'm serious, like really crazy", even if it doesn't have a technical meaning. It sure does sound like a tactfully-delivered warning, doesn't it? I don't normally like judging a person based on relationship numbers, etc. but it does seem consistent that even though he looks great on the surface, if he does have these worrying red flags and issues, that could be why he doesn't have much successful recent relationship history for a seemingly amazing guy. I'm not claiming that it proves anything, but it is consistent with the overall view that is emerging... If you were my daughter, I think I'd say: if you see a pattern of red flags and concerns, don't spend a lot of time trying to make excuses for him and rationalize your way around them. Exactly. I've heard people playfully used "insane" to describe someone or something that's wild, entertaining, or fun. But "clinically insane" puts up a red flag for me that there could be a serious underlying mental issue. So far it's not looking so great as the downsides outweigh the positives. I definitely don't want to make excuses for him; if things continue to go the way they are going I should probably head in a different direction. For now, I'm just going to get to know him a bit better, keeping the red flags in mind.
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