awaywiththenight Posted June 9, 2013 Posted June 9, 2013 My ex and I had a good relationship and I was crushed when he dumped me. This was a while ago and we've been meeting up for several years and having sex. He has said it's the best sex he's had (maybe that's something to do with it?) We didn't have contact when he went to uni and then started to meet up in the holidays and have sex. Now we've both finished and we've been meeting up for like, a year now. We get on really well, it's more than FWB because we go for dinner, go to the cinema, go to festivals. Sometimes I stay over his. We see each other once a week, every week. He was with a girl at one point and was seeing me at the same time. Said it wasn't cheating because he wasn't 'with' either of us. I couldn't handle it so stopped seeing him/talking to him for a while but we ended up back to normal within a couple of months. Eventually this girl broke with him and since then I see him each week, mainly going to his and hanging out and having sex or going for meals out etc. We recently went away on holiday together and it was really good- really fun. The holiday photos went on Facebook and now people think we're together. He's adamant we're not. What's this guys game? We've been doing this for so long it's stupid and we get on SO well and the sex is good. He refuses to be with me point blank and says he has no romantic feelings for me- but his actions say completely different. Why else would he go on holiday with me? I can't talk to him about it because he has said he will refuse to see me again if I have feelings for him - because he wouldn't want to lead me on and hurt me. Is he scared of committing to me? EVERY time we do non contact he ends up getting back in touch. It can't be just FWB but I'm so confused. It's going no where and I know that the more I invest in this- time- holidays etc- the more it will break my heart if/when he goes off with someone else. He has said he wouldn't care if I went off with someone else. He also said he will be really sad when I meet someone else because we wouldn't be able to do what we're doing anymore. I'm so confused and came across this site- I need your advice and opinions on what this guy is thinking. Thank you.
Jono85 Posted June 9, 2013 Posted June 9, 2013 oh man. this kind of stuff is just surreal to see. you HAVE to be just in epic denial, to not see what's happening here. i suggest, though i doubt you'll comply given your obvious weaknesses to said individual, you go strict NC from him, and work on your SELF-ESTEEM. you have none of it. zero. there is a good guy out there who will want to be with you and tell the world about it, but i doubt there's a quality guy RIGHT NOW who'd want a girl with these issues. so accept defeat, like many of us have, build your self-esteem back up to the point where you know you have value and deserve to be treated a certain way. set those values and bounderies as FIRM (eg. you will not let a guy have no strings attached sex with you). you're being epically used, it's clear to everyone but you. 2
Author awaywiththenight Posted June 9, 2013 Author Posted June 9, 2013 oh man. this kind of stuff is just surreal to see. you HAVE to be just in epic denial, to not see what's happening here. i suggest, though i doubt you'll comply given your obvious weaknesses to said individual, you go strict NC from him, and work on your SELF-ESTEEM. you have none of it. zero. there is a good guy out there who will want to be with you and tell the world about it, but i doubt there's a quality guy RIGHT NOW who'd want a girl with these issues. so accept defeat, like many of us have, build your self-esteem back up to the point where you know you have value and deserve to be treated a certain way. set those values and bounderies as FIRM (eg. you will not let a guy have no strings attached sex with you). you're being epically used, it's clear to everyone but you. Used just for sex- or just as 'someone' - like a 'fake' girlfriend? I thought the holiday might mean it was more than sex or do you think this was just because he wanted to go on holiday ... and have sex? And thank you for being honest- I suppose I need that because I still thought going on holiday and for meals etc meant it was more than sex. Maybe it's just me being blind.
BC1980 Posted June 9, 2013 Posted June 9, 2013 He refuses to be with me point blank and says he has no romantic feelings for me- but his actions say completely different. No, his actions say exactly what he is telling you. He will not commit to you. That is a deliberate action, not committing to someone. It sounds like he is being very straightforward with his intentions. I'm not confused in the least from reading your post. This is a classic case of friends with benefits, but you want something mor
BC1980 Posted June 9, 2013 Posted June 9, 2013 I can't talk to him about it because he has said he will refuse to see me again if I have feelings for him - because he wouldn't want to lead me on and hurt me. He also said he will be really sad when I meet someone else because we wouldn't be able to do what we're doing anymore. He would refuse to see you if you have feelings for him? Well, there's your answer. He is being crystal clear, and you are being monumentally used. Yeah, I'm sure he would be sad if you met someone else because it would mean an end to his no strings attached sex. That would sure put a damper on things for him. I'm sure he knows you have feelings for him, but he continues to use you. I wouldn't even associate with a guy who did this. I can't tell you how sad it makes me that you are actually chasing this guy. Because that is what you are doing by engaging in this "friendship" with him. He is not your friend. Not even close. Now, realize that you are just as responsible for allowing yourself to be used as he is for using you. Get rid of this person now. 1
Jono85 Posted June 9, 2013 Posted June 9, 2013 Used just for sex- or just as 'someone' - like a 'fake' girlfriend? I thought the holiday might mean it was more than sex or do you think this was just because he wanted to go on holiday ... and have sex? And thank you for being honest- I suppose I need that because I still thought going on holiday and for meals etc meant it was more than sex. Maybe it's just me being blind. you are definitely "just being blind". why not invite you on vacation considering he doesn't have a girlfriend right now (ie. the better option that he is looking for) and he knows you'll give him all the sex he needs, whenever he wants?? sounds like an awesome deal for him while he looks for Mrs. Right. most of us have been there. i haven't allowed a girl to use me like that but we've all been told our exes don't want to be with us anymore in an official relationship. he's been very honest with you about his lack of romantic feelings for you. but guys, and girls, still need sex. guys don't have as many options at ease as most girls for good sex, so they'll settle for ex sex until they find something better. you need to realize what's happening, and stop this. it'll be hard, b/c you really haven't let go yet. but cut this guy out...don't let him talk his way back into your life, tell him you deserve so much more and there are guys out there that will give you that 'more'. you have to be strong and resist his ways to still get sex from you. he's just taking advantage of you right now. time to start valuing yourself. 2
Author awaywiththenight Posted June 9, 2013 Author Posted June 9, 2013 Thank you both. I can't see it- I am always holding on hope that he is harbouring some feelings for me- just because of things like the holiday or going out for coffee or meals. But it sounds like he's just having it as something/someone to hang around with whilst looking for someone else. It's embarrassing to realise that this is my situation. Thank you for being honest though.
Jono85 Posted June 9, 2013 Posted June 9, 2013 Thank you both. I can't see it- I am always holding on hope that he is harbouring some feelings for me- just because of things like the holiday or going out for coffee or meals. But it sounds like he's just having it as something/someone to hang around with whilst looking for someone else. It's embarrassing to realise that this is my situation. Thank you for being honest though. forgive yourself. we've all been there, in other ways if not this way. i reeked of desperation after my last ex broke up with me. for 6 months after the breakup i would intermittently try to patch things up and convince her to work on things/try again. it was the worst feeling in the world realizing that this girl that was head over heals in love with me for some time, and whom i struggled to get my feelings up to where hers was, to see her ignore me post breakup at times and opt for other guys and not really care that i was in her life anymore and she really did truly want nothing to do with me, it hurt like hell. it was embarassing and to a degree still is, b/c i gave her so much damn power and i bet she felt almost sorry for me. that's how much the attraction had faded lol. so don't worry about the past, forgive yourself and grow from it. that's all you can do at this point. same with me. i have opted not to pursue ANY women over the last 6 months or so b/c i know she killed my self-esteem and there are areas is my life i neglected and am working hard to correct so i'll be much more confident and not have to rely on girls' opinions of me to validate myself etc. i think you might benefit from something similar, to rebuild your self-esteem. anyway no problem for the hard truths, good luck with everything 2
BC1980 Posted June 9, 2013 Posted June 9, 2013 Yes, do forgive yourself. Trust me, a younger version of myself has done some pretty pathetic things with exes. 1
Author awaywiththenight Posted June 10, 2013 Author Posted June 10, 2013 When you say this isn't a friendship- is it then pssible that all the 'friend' stuff we do (ie- not involving sex) - he does it just so he can have sex? If that makes sense? He just does this stuff to keep me 'sweet' so I won't want to look for anyone else? Because I think if he had me over for a few hours-had sex with me and then told me to leave- I probably wouldn't go over. It's the hope he gives me that keeps me going back. Although you've all said he's been clear about his feelings. I've probably been looking for an excuse to keep this going. And metalchick - I do agree that no one would give up easy sex until they met someone better. It is embarrassing to think I've wasted my time and myself, but in a way it's comforting to knowI'm not alone. It's a bit scary knowing where to start now. What did you guys do? Hit the gym- read- write? x
Jono85 Posted June 10, 2013 Posted June 10, 2013 When you say this isn't a friendship- is it then pssible that all the 'friend' stuff we do (ie- not involving sex) - he does it just so he can have sex? If that makes sense? He just does this stuff to keep me 'sweet' so I won't want to look for anyone else? Because I think if he had me over for a few hours-had sex with me and then told me to leave- I probably wouldn't go over. It's the hope he gives me that keeps me going back. Although you've all said he's been clear about his feelings. I've probably been looking for an excuse to keep this going. And metalchick - I do agree that no one would give up easy sex until they met someone better. It is embarrassing to think I've wasted my time and myself, but in a way it's comforting to knowI'm not alone. It's a bit scary knowing where to start now. What did you guys do? Hit the gym- read- write? x doesn't matter what his motives are with the friendship. maybe he does like having you as a friend, or maybe like you said he would feel really guilty if he just invited you over to have sex knowing you'd feel used. at the end of the day, it doesn't matter! he's having no strings attached sex with you while knowing he is free to go out and have sex with other girls and look for other girls. you clearly still have lots of feelings for him; stop accepting this. as for your earlier question about whether he actually values you as a friend, i can GUARANTEE you, that if you took sex away from the equation, he would stop inviting you out places and stop wanting to hang out. i would tell you to try it for a while, but it's highly doubtful you could hang out with him for a month plus without giving in to sex. but trust me, that's what you're there for, to provide easy/often sex while he doesn't have any other great/comfortable/easy options. you're still looking to find hope, and maybe it will need to take time for this all to sink in, but you need to take a stand, put your foot down and get out.
Leigh 87 Posted June 10, 2013 Posted June 10, 2013 If you were okay with this arrangement, you would not post on here about it. Love is funny. Human emotions are funny. And unfair! It sucks that he could literally have no romantic feelings towards you, even when he kissed, hugged, had sex and went on holidays with you. You, on the other hand, are not indifferent. You were once with him. You may not be madly in love with him yet you are hurting that he can just do this to you, without falling in love with you. Since you're obviously starting to catch feelings for him. I would not do that with my ex, unless it was YEARS. Literally a YEAR or more, after No Contact, and I did not give a crap if he suddenly met the love of his life. I could only do FWB with an ex if I felt THE SAME WAY. 1
Author awaywiththenight Posted June 10, 2013 Author Posted June 10, 2013 Thank you all. The reason I joined this site was to get some honest feedback from people who have no bias. I thought I didn't have such strong feelings for him because I see how he cheats- how he treats me sometimes makes me feel so small. And I thought I wouldn't want a boyfriend who treats me the way he does but convince myself it was just casual sex. Reading the comments and reading my own words- I'm clearly in a mess. I do want to stop this somehow. I know NC is the answer although because I've told him I'm fine, I'm a bit worried he will twig that something is up if I go sudden NC. That said I haven't spoken to him for two days so far and am not planning to. But the weekends are the hardest. I am trying to fill my days up- so I'm too busy to think. X 1
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