Casablanca Posted June 10, 2013 Posted June 10, 2013 Sure, they can be friends, but best friends...? Someone you go to for anything and everything? Shouldn't someone's best friend of the opposite gender be his significant other...? Well I agree if you're seeing someone, then the person you're seeing should be your best friend...but when I'm not seeing someone my friend Lindsey is one of my two best friends Male/female friendships = she's not currently willing to have sex with me, but im working on it. I don't tolerate opposite sex friendships. Don't put all men into that one category because that is not how it is for me and my close female friends. Honestly, I'd be much more likely to sleep with an acquaintance because I wouldnt want to ruin the friendship (and if I had any romantic interest in a good female friend, I would have already made that clear, it would kill me to be just friends with someone I care about and either not know her feelings or have been rejected and thus they wouldnt be friends)
Emilia Posted June 10, 2013 Posted June 10, 2013 Sure, they can be friends, but best friends...? Someone you go to for anything and everything? Shouldn't someone's best friend of the opposite gender be his significant other...? But it takes time to get to that level with a significant other. Should I just dump my male friends I have known for years for men I date?
Emilia Posted June 10, 2013 Posted June 10, 2013 Well I agree if you're seeing someone, then the person you're seeing should be your best friend... Automatically? How many people do you date who never turn out to be LTRs? Do you dump your friends for every single fling?
Casablanca Posted June 10, 2013 Posted June 10, 2013 Automatically? How many people do you date who never turn out to be LTRs? Do you dump your friends for every single fling? Well I used dating more in the LTR sense
Emilia Posted June 10, 2013 Posted June 10, 2013 Well I used dating more in the LTR sense but a definition of LTR is at least a year or maybe at least 18 months, isn't it? It seems that one should dump one's opposite sex friends for anyone with an LTR potential. Certainly the impression I'm getting from this thread. Which would beg the question: what is everyone's definition of a 'friend'? Mine is people whom you love and who love you in return. Am I not allowed to love men that are not my significant other? Because I do.
Aerrie Posted June 10, 2013 Posted June 10, 2013 ...if you don't trust a guy enough to have a close female friend, then there is problems there already. I would not trust any guy enough for that lol. Being a guy myself
Casablanca Posted June 10, 2013 Posted June 10, 2013 but a definition of LTR is at least a year or maybe at least 18 months, isn't it? It seems that one should dump one's opposite sex friends for anyone with an LTR potential. Certainly the impression I'm getting from this thread. Which would beg the question: what is everyone's definition of a 'friend'? Mine is people whom you love and who love you in return. Am I not allowed to love men that are not my significant other? Because I do. Well, lets define that once two people are serious then that is when the process of them becoming each others best friend begins...hard to put a time stamp on it...
Emilia Posted June 10, 2013 Posted June 10, 2013 Well, lets define that once two people are serious then that is when the process of them becoming each others best friend begins...hard to put a time stamp on it... So do I dump my male friends when I think my SO might ask me to move in with him? That wouldn't make me much of a friend, would it? Sorry I don't mean to be mean but I don't understand why people would expect anyone to destroy important interpersonal relationships. I thought an SO was supposed to add to your life, not take away 1
Casablanca Posted June 10, 2013 Posted June 10, 2013 So do I dump my male friends when I think my SO might ask me to move in with him? That wouldn't make me much of a friend, would it? Sorry I don't mean to be mean but I don't understand why people would expect anyone to destroy important interpersonal relationships. I thought an SO was supposed to add to your life, not take away No, I'm not saying that...a best friend is usually the friend you see most...if you're in a committed and exclusive relationship, then that is the person you should see the most and consider your best friend. It does not mean you are no longer friends with them or you never hang out with them, but I'd say a SO should eventually become the most important friend in your life AND NOT take away from your friends you already have. You should be closest to your SO over time, but that doesnt mean it has to take away from your current friendships. 1
Emilia Posted June 10, 2013 Posted June 10, 2013 No, I'm not saying that...a best friend is usually the friend you see most...if you're in a committed and exclusive relationship, then that is the person you should see the most and consider your best friend. It does not mean you are no longer friends with them or you never hang out with them, but I'd say a SO should eventually become the most important friend in your life AND NOT take away from your friends you already have. You should be closest to your SO over time, but that doesnt mean it has to take away from your current friendships. The above I agree with. However the OP says she isn't even considering dating the person and other people expressed similar views in this thread. I agree that ideally your SO should become your best friend and there is certainly a hierarchy. Obviously your friends should accept this.
Casablanca Posted June 10, 2013 Posted June 10, 2013 The above I agree with. However the OP says she isn't even considering dating the person and other people expressed similar views in this thread. I agree that ideally your SO should become your best friend and there is certainly a hierarchy. Obviously your friend should accept this. Oh I know, I don't get why people would be so black and white about it, I was just agreeing with someone (maybe only a little bit) that you should be closer to your SO over time, but yeah, that doesnt mean you should drop them all together. Having friends of the opposite sex is healthy and helps us learn more about them and that can be used to better our relationships 1
Roadkill007 Posted June 10, 2013 Posted June 10, 2013 ooey gooey= hugging cheek to cheek in every picture that they have together, one picture with her laying back on his chest, just stuff like that. If I were looking at them from afar and didn't know their situation, I would think they were either dating or banging... I don't think this type of "friend" is a strictly platonic friend, so yea, I'd have to say pass. There's nothing wrong if who you're considering dating has a strictly platonic best friend opposite their gender, but this is clearly muddling the lines between platonic and romantic, and will probably not end well for you. Then again, I HAVE known some hug monster platonic friends.... but yea it was mostly the head on chest thing that's making me think they're not purely platonic. 1
Emilia Posted June 10, 2013 Posted June 10, 2013 Having friends of the opposite sex is healthy and helps us learn more about them and that can be used to better our relationships Absolutely. The people I see that struggle the most tend to be the ones without opposite sex friends ie are not able to relate to the opposite sex well. And I'm talking real friends as opposed to people you are hoping to bang or are hooking up with when you aren't dating anyone. 1
will1988 Posted June 10, 2013 Posted June 10, 2013 My fiance's two best friends are male. One is a closet case (because he is from a super baptist family... but if he acts the way he does around her or me, but around his family, they must suspect) and the other one is an out gay male. I have no problem with this. However, I do get antsy when she would hang out with straight male friends. Yet, I trust her not to do anything I wouldn't do... so I let it slide. Thankfully since she moved in with me, 8 hours from her hometown, I've not had to worry about that. My fiance on the other hand has a problem with me hanging out with my self procalimed bull dike friend! She isn't even my best friend, but we do hang out sometimes because she takes night classes where i do, and works a few blocks for me... but nope, my fiance gets insecure and thinks that my friend likes me. Hello, she has short spikey hair and wear plad shirts! Yet, I have some relatively attractive older middle aged female friends from my classes, and I mention them a few times to my fiance (we don't hang outside of class) and she gets a little antsy, but she knows i'm not in to them... however, just to be cautius i don't bring them up. I'm not doing anything wrong, but talking to them in class and maybe a little bit before... but just talking to women will sometimes piss off my fiance. Now, on to your end... as i always say, a woman will never come between me and my friends. Every time i let that happen the woman would suck me in and i would not see my friends and then she would dump me and they would be there to pick up the pieces. My fiance knows my rule about my friends. She may get ticked when i hang out with them, but oh well... You should not try to change this guy. If they are BFFs then you should either date someone else if him having a best friend that is female will be a problem, or you should learn to live with it. Because trust me, the second you start telling him not to hang out with her, he will pull away. 1
Casablanca Posted June 10, 2013 Posted June 10, 2013 Because trust me, the second you start telling him not to hang out with her, he will pull away. There are two things that will happen if a girl (or I'm sure a guy) makes their SO pick between them and their friends, either they will pick the friends and leave you, or they will pick you, but leave you down the road when they realized they made a mistake 2
Emilia Posted June 10, 2013 Posted June 10, 2013 Now, on to your end... as i always say, a woman will never come between me and my friends. Every time i let that happen the woman would suck me in and i would not see my friends and then she would dump me and they would be there to pick up the pieces. My fiance knows my rule about my friends. She may get ticked when i hang out with them, but oh well... You should not try to change this guy. If they are BFFs then you should either date someone else if him having a best friend that is female will be a problem, or you should learn to live with it. Because trust me, the second you start telling him not to hang out with her, he will pull away. I would too. It's a matter of integrity and loyalty. His insecurities are not my problem. Having said that, there are golden rules: introducing your SO to your friends and minimising - or cutting out - the time spent with opposite sex friends one on one. I certainly don't go drinking with them one on one or extremely rarely anyway but not when I'm in a relationship. I completely get why someone would feel uncomfortable with that. 1
StanMusial Posted June 10, 2013 Posted June 10, 2013 In my experience, people that have a lot of opposite sex friends and few or none same sex friends have failed to socialize properly. Its something to keep an eye on as a possible indicator of other issues. Having a platonic "best friend" like this seems suspect at best. In the case of the OP it could be the guy is a wannabe player. 1
USMCHokie Posted June 10, 2013 Posted June 10, 2013 But it takes time to get to that level with a significant other. Should I just dump my male friends I have known for years for men I date? We aren't talking about friends. We are talking about best friend. One person. Who is the best.
Emilia Posted June 10, 2013 Posted June 10, 2013 We aren't talking about friends. We are talking about best friend. One person. Who is the best. that doesn't change my point that getting to best friend status takes time. The OP says she wouldn't even consider dating that guy. She would expect 'best friend' status straight away? That's not realistic.
Author adb22 Posted June 10, 2013 Author Posted June 10, 2013 My fiance's two best friends are male. One is a closet case (because he is from a super baptist family... but if he acts the way he does around her or me, but around his family, they must suspect) and the other one is an out gay male. I have no problem with this. However, I do get antsy when she would hang out with straight male friends. Yet, I trust her not to do anything I wouldn't do... so I let it slide. Thankfully since she moved in with me, 8 hours from her hometown, I've not had to worry about that. My fiance on the other hand has a problem with me hanging out with my self procalimed bull dike friend! She isn't even my best friend, but we do hang out sometimes because she takes night classes where i do, and works a few blocks for me... but nope, my fiance gets insecure and thinks that my friend likes me. Hello, she has short spikey hair and wear plad shirts! Yet, I have some relatively attractive older middle aged female friends from my classes, and I mention them a few times to my fiance (we don't hang outside of class) and she gets a little antsy, but she knows i'm not in to them... however, just to be cautius i don't bring them up. I'm not doing anything wrong, but talking to them in class and maybe a little bit before... but just talking to women will sometimes piss off my fiance. Now, on to your end... as i always say, a woman will never come between me and my friends. Every time i let that happen the woman would suck me in and i would not see my friends and then she would dump me and they would be there to pick up the pieces. My fiance knows my rule about my friends. She may get ticked when i hang out with them, but oh well... You should not try to change this guy. If they are BFFs then you should either date someone else if him having a best friend that is female will be a problem, or you should learn to live with it. Because trust me, the second you start telling him not to hang out with her, he will pull away. I already stated that I would never try to make someone choose between me and a friend, so I probably wouldn't get involved anyway. This thread was basically made to find out if other people had the same reservations about getting involved with someone in this situation.
USMCHokie Posted June 10, 2013 Posted June 10, 2013 that doesn't change my point that getting to best friend status takes time. The OP says she wouldn't even consider dating that guy. She would expect 'best friend' status straight away? That's not realistic. Yea, this is true... 1
Author adb22 Posted June 10, 2013 Author Posted June 10, 2013 Uh...I never mentioned anything about expecting "best friend status" at any time. I was just simply stating that I would be a bit reserved about getting into a relationship with someone who has a super close best friend of the opposite gender. That's all.
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