ConfusedT Posted June 9, 2013 Posted June 9, 2013 As many of you know my story, I left my ex (BU was early May) because he cheated and abused me, however dysfunctional it was, I still loved him and hoped some miraculous force was going to cause him to change for me, well it didn't, surprise surprise!! I have been NC for 5 days (GO ME finally!!) but for some reason, even as the time passes, i still feel like there is a void in me. I am finally at the point where i recognize that he is NOT going to change and I came to terms with that. But I still think about him all the time, I don't understand what is wrong with me? & how I am still putting myself through this. I am going to therapy and trying to work things out, but I feel like something is missing NOW that when I was with him, wasnt.. even as bad as it was. How did you get past that point? How do you start feelin whole again? How do you come to terms with being "alone"?
aloneinaz Posted June 9, 2013 Posted June 9, 2013 Two things help- 1) Time 2) A new significant other 1
TaraMaiden Posted June 9, 2013 Posted June 9, 2013 It's good that you feel like this, because you recognise the dysfunctional dependency. I hate to tell you, but you must, absolutely, focus on your therapy, and how really, truly bad he was for you. A poor influence and a bad component of your life, you've had to excise form your existence, like a canker..... It may well get worse. In fact, (sorry) I can guarantee it will. This is precisely what No Contact is: Cold Turkey for the heart. It's coming off the addictive aspect of your relationship; expunging the noxious effect of neediness, clinging and quiet desperation. And it hurts more than a ton-weight medicine ball to the solar plexus. And - it will get worse before it gets better. If you think this is pain, wait until you hit the 2/3-month barrier. What a damn hell of a brick wall that will be - like hitting it at 90mph.... Stick with us - and FOLLOW ADVICE. Truly, it will be the only way to survive this.... 3
Author ConfusedT Posted June 9, 2013 Author Posted June 9, 2013 Its so hard to explain, even though the bad way overwhelmed the good, the good is what I focus on. I hate that I KNOW it will get worse, it's like preparing for something that you know is going to hurt you and there is nothing you can even do about it! I am so clingy and needy too. He even told me that and that I was weak, etc, etc. & honestly, I am. I have been through a lot this year (lost two family members, stopped speaking with my Mom, lost my job, income, support) and was trying to hold on to the one thing that was a constant (even though it was bad).. I havent followed any advice up until last week, where I was just like OK, what are you doing here Trisha? like you are doing this to yourself at this point... I just want to feel WHOLE, without needing someone to fill that gap!
mtnbiker3000 Posted June 9, 2013 Posted June 9, 2013 It's good that you feel like this, because you recognise the dysfunctional dependency. I hate to tell you, but you must, absolutely, focus on your therapy, and how really, truly bad he was for you. A poor influence and a bad component of your life, you've had to excise form your existence, like a canker..... It may well get worse. In fact, (sorry) I can guarantee it will. This is precisely what No Contact is: Cold Turkey for the heart. It's coming off the addictive aspect of your relationship; expunging the noxious effect of neediness, clinging and quiet desperation. And it hurts more than a ton-weight medicine ball to the solar plexus. And - it will get worse before it gets better. If you think this is pain, wait until you hit the 2/3-month barrier. What a damn hell of a brick wall that will be - like hitting it at 90mph.... Stick with us - and FOLLOW ADVICE. Truly, it will be the only way to survive this.... Yes, I can attest. The 60/90 day mark is brutal. I'm not sure if I feel better or worse than the first few days/weeks. I am hoping the 100 day point will start to allow me to feel better. I hope...
aloneinaz Posted June 9, 2013 Posted June 9, 2013 It's good that you feel like this, because you recognise the dysfunctional dependency. I hate to tell you, but you must, absolutely, focus on your therapy, and how really, truly bad he was for you. A poor influence and a bad component of your life, you've had to excise form your existence, like a canker..... It may well get worse. In fact, (sorry) I can guarantee it will. This is precisely what No Contact is: Cold Turkey for the heart. It's coming off the addictive aspect of your relationship; expunging the noxious effect of neediness, clinging and quiet desperation. And it hurts more than a ton-weight medicine ball to the solar plexus. And - it will get worse before it gets better. If you think this is pain, wait until you hit the 2/3-month barrier. What a damn hell of a brick wall that will be - like hitting it at 90mph.... Stick with us - and FOLLOW ADVICE. Truly, it will be the only way to survive this.... Why is the 2-3 month barrier so bad?
LostOne1 Posted June 9, 2013 Posted June 9, 2013 Why is the 2-3 month barrier so bad? because it's like an addition and it takes time for your body to withdraw and get away from it. Once you don't get it anymore.. the cravings and urges go away slowly to a point where you are not exposed to your ex for so long. That your body becomes used to the fact that the ex is not needed now.
TaraMaiden Posted June 9, 2013 Posted June 9, 2013 Why is the 2-3 month barrier so bad? To be exact, everyone has their own 'brick wall' or barrier - and they know when they've hit it. The feeling is monumentally overwhelming.... It can vary person to person, but that's a kind of standard.
aloneinaz Posted June 9, 2013 Posted June 9, 2013 To be exact, everyone has their own 'brick wall' or barrier - and they know when they've hit it. The feeling is monumentally overwhelming.... It can vary person to person, but that's a kind of standard. Gotcha. Thank you for the explanation. I'm not sure how the first week or two isn't WORSE. Anxiety, insomnia, no appetite. I can't imagine it could be worse?
TaraMaiden Posted June 9, 2013 Posted June 9, 2013 Sadly, it can be. Look at it this way: Every person actually has no idea how all-consuming their relationship was - until they break up. For some, it's a once-a-month heroin habit to get over. For others, it's a crack-cocaine-twice-a-week ordeal.... The harder - and sooner - they hit the wall, the more intense the liaison was.... TbH, it's also possible (and I stress, this is my conjecture) that the harder and more difficult a person finds it to go through this particular barrier, the more 'unhealthy' the dependency on the relationship, was. A person should attain a level of independence within a relationship, a 'maturity' if you like, that actually enables them to process the break-up in a manageable way. The more distressed a person is - the more they "lose the plot", the more it seems they were putting too much dependence on the other person to bring them happiness and to maintain that level of happiness for them. When that particular rug is swept from under their feet, they hit the marble floor....and hard.
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