Lonestar Posted October 9, 2004 Posted October 9, 2004 My former ex and I just had a horrible fight on the phone. Almost every hurt that happened in the past was brought up. Stuff done during the divorce 2.5 years ago that we've been ignoring. I feel I was blamed for things that were not my fault, and his excuses for hurting me only made me feel worse. I honestly can't see how we're going to work through this. He also refused to hear me when I explained my pain over the whole thing. We tried to discuss it, but it only escalated to the point that I had to get off the phone because I was in tears. I want to call him back, but I think if I do that I'm accepting blame for terrible hurtful things that were done to ME. I'm sitting here flippin out right now, and feel my whole weekend is destroyed. I feel paralyzed like I used to feel with him in the past. I don't want to feel this way again. Someone give me a pep talk, tell me what to do and how to handle this. I don't want to screw up my second chance, but I will NOT let him treat me like dirt ever again or hurt me ever again. And I won't accept blame for things that were not my fault.
bluechocolate Posted October 9, 2004 Posted October 9, 2004 Sorry to hear this. I haven't read all of your other posts so forgive me if I'm asking stuff you've previously covered. Have you guys sought counselling to help with getting back together? Clearly you have unresolved issues from your divorce & they'll need to be worked out or you will indeed be continually covering old ground like this. Have you tried setting some ground rules for the reconciliation? Such as, I will NOT let him treat me like dirt ever again or hurt me ever again. And I won't accept blame for things that were not my fault. or We forgive each other for past wrongs, and We do not drag up garbage from the past in a desconstructive or angry manner.
Author Lonestar Posted October 9, 2004 Author Posted October 9, 2004 No counseling and I don't think either one of us wants to go there. We tried it when we were married and it was a nightmare. If we can't work it out on our own, then that's that basically. Yeah, there are a ton of unresolved issues and you are so right about not bringing up the past, but that's the thing.... we haven't been bringing it up and trying to focous on forgiving past wrongs, but does this revert back to the past mean that we're screwing it all up? Nothing in that phone call was constructive. Not a thing. In fact, it was as childish as it could get. I'll admit to that. It was filled with "I may have done that but you did this" blah blah blah. I can call back and try to approach this in a more adult manner, but the problem is that I can't do it alone. Thanks for the advice, blue. Right now I'm trying to figure out if I should put some space between us for awhile.
Heartagram Posted October 9, 2004 Posted October 9, 2004 Oh damn...it's always something huh. This definitely calls for a day to cool down...call him back tomorrow and talk about it. But by saying you can't do it alone, would you feel more comfortable having a mutual friend around to talk with? Maybe as a moderator? It could work if such a friend is available. I was considering doing something along the same lines myself. IM me.
bluechocolate Posted October 9, 2004 Posted October 9, 2004 but does this revert back to the past mean that we're screwing it all up? That depends on how you deal with it. In this case it sounds like you both screwed up. Personally I would have stopped it as soon as it started, "It is not going to be helpful if we accuse each other & argue over things which happened years ago. I'm willing to talk about it if you feel it's necessary, but I will not argue.". That sort of thing. we haven't been bringing it up and trying to focous on forgiving past wrongs Could that be part of the problem? ie. ignoring the past. Would it be possible to have it all out one night - all of it - hurt feelings & accusations, tears & forgiveness, with the express intention that that will be the end of it? If you know what I mean. Agree to put the past to bed, once and for all, then agree to move forward. This must be so difficult because you know where you failed once already & will constantly be looking for signs of that failure again. I can only imagine that you will both have to be very strong & committed to a second chance if it has any chance of success. I take it that you're some distance from each other? Is that way this is being conducted via the telephone? Normally I wouldn't want to have these kinds of conversations over the phone.
Author Lonestar Posted October 9, 2004 Author Posted October 9, 2004 I talked to him again and we worked things out for now. We both acknowledged each others pain and the fact that we have hurt each other in the past. We then both decided not to promise never to bring up the past again, because we don't know that we can keep that promise. Ocassionally, something could trigger the past and it might get brought up, but we're going to try and keep it where it belongs and focus on now. We talked about how we need to work on communicating better, and other things, so all in all, the fight is over. Let me tell you, working things out with an ex is very hard work, even if you are committed to making it work. Heartagram, sorry I missed you. I replied to you PM and you're on my buddy list. I also left my AIM name in the PM. IM me when you catch me online. blue[/], You've got some really sound advice there. Please feel free to respond to my ocassional cries for help. I value what you have to say. We did both screw up this time, and it was entirely immature of us. Would it be possible to have it all out one night - all of it - hurt feelings & accusations, tears & forgiveness, with the express intention that that will be the end of it? If you know what I mean. Agree to put the past to bed, once and for all, then agree to move forward. That's what happened today on the phone. Everything came out and that's why I ended up intears over the whole thing. It hurt like nothing else to drag all that past pain to the present. We BOTH hashed out everything, but now the key lies in what you said... putting the past in the past. I'll bring that up again with him later. Without getting into the things that were done in the past, yes, this is extremely difficult for us, and that's why this fight happened I suppose. We only live about 10 minutes away, but we happened to be on the phone this morning when everything exploded. Once it started, we couldn't stop.
bluechocolate Posted October 9, 2004 Posted October 9, 2004 Good to hear you two spoke again. At least your weekend isn't a total loss now.
Weird Posted October 9, 2004 Posted October 9, 2004 well, hope it works out since it is important to you. Al I know is that I dont think people can just ignore unresolved past issues and trying to only leaves things building inside until one or both people blow up and when that happens it can get nasty. It sounds like that is what happened with you two. The best thing to me seems to be people be open and try and resolve things quickly and bring up stuff that was bad so they can avoid it in the future. Honesty is the key. Naturally, I have sorta tried this with my ex and she isn't the type of person that can face stuff head-on and resolve issues. Ticks me off but nothing I can do to change the way she deals with stuff. Bummer.
Heartagram Posted October 9, 2004 Posted October 9, 2004 Thank goodness there was some reconciliation. It's important as everyone said to address the past issues and not ignore them, and now that you did maybe things will progress. I'll IM you when I catch you online. ::hugs::
Author Lonestar Posted October 10, 2004 Author Posted October 10, 2004 Thanks everyone (Heart, blue, Weird) for being here for me today. I truly appreciate the help and support I got from all of you. I took my daughters over to his place today and he's coming over here tonight, so all is well again in 2nd chance land.
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