Chris715 Posted June 9, 2013 Posted June 9, 2013 It's been around 3 weeks of NC with my ex girlfriend now and I'm still thinking about her constantly. I don't want to find someone like her, I don't want to find someone just as good as her, I want her, simple as that. I'm terrified that NC is just going to make her forget about me and maybe that's what's happening because I've heard nothing from her these 3 weeks. Anyone gotten back together with someone after NC? This is currently killing me
aloneinaz Posted June 9, 2013 Posted June 9, 2013 It's been around 3 weeks of NC with my ex girlfriend now and I'm still thinking about her constantly. I don't want to find someone like her, I don't want to find someone just as good as her, I want her, simple as that. I'm terrified that NC is just going to make her forget about me and maybe that's what's happening because I've heard nothing from her these 3 weeks. Anyone gotten back together with someone after NC? This is currently killing me You can never say never but you shouldn't count on it. Focus on your recovery and not on her. TRUST ME, I know this is easy but she isn't contacting you either and her silence has meaning behind it. Again, worry about getting over her and moving on with you life w/out her in it. Continually telling yourself that you only want her, etc, etc... isn't going to help you either.
Giha Posted June 9, 2013 Posted June 9, 2013 It's rare but it happens. Don't hold you breath though. Having said that, using NC as a method to get her back is a bad idea. It is manipulative and it holds back your progress. Give up hopes of her coming back, start moving on. If she ever feels like trying again she will let you know, but until such moment you must take care of yourself. 1
Author Chris715 Posted June 9, 2013 Author Posted June 9, 2013 This is the woman who told you that she was using you for comfort, nothing more. It's over, and from reading your previous threads was over a long time ago. You sound like a "fixer" and a rescuer. She's not interested in that anymore. I'm truly sorry you're hurting, but it's time to move on. So, in your case, no, it's highly unlikely that breaking NC will do anything more than prolong your pain. Everyone keeps saying I'm a "fixer" like it's a bad thing. What exactly do you consider a "fixer" anyway? And is it really so terrible I tried to help my girlfriend through things when she was depressed and suicidal?
itto ogami Posted June 9, 2013 Posted June 9, 2013 It's admirable but you can't be her savior -- and speaking from experience what I've learned is that you often drag yourself down to lift up another. And that is not going to make your ex beholden to you. Time to work on YOURSELF. Let your ex miss you and your concern -- if it's always there, then she took you for granted and likely began to even resent you for it. Which sucks but there it is. Stay NC and focus on making yourself strong again. It's a win-win if there is a chance she'll come back. 1
TaraMaiden Posted June 9, 2013 Posted June 9, 2013 Being a 'Fixer' is a bad thing on several counts: a) If you're not clinically and professionally trained. b) If the person you're trying to 'fix', doesn't actually want fixing. c) if the person you're trying to 'fix' is actually doing nothing for themselves, but uses you as a crutch. d) If what you're doing has an underlying agenda i.e., You want to be in a relationship with that person,You want that person to be grateful to you,You want that person to 'need' you. e) There's a very fine line between Wise Compassion and Idiot Compassion. Wise compassion enables healing and provides impetus for growth without compromising your emotions. Idiot Compassion always has ulterior motive, and bears a great resemblance to being a doormat. 4
TheMink Posted June 9, 2013 Posted June 9, 2013 Everyone keeps saying I'm a "fixer" like it's a bad thing. What exactly do you consider a "fixer" anyway? And is it really so terrible I tried to help my girlfriend through things when she was depressed and suicidal? There's not a damn thing wrong with being a fixer, because you know what? I'm one too. I'm currently going through a break up with my first love, I'm a bit younger than you however. I met my girlfriend when I think we both needed someone. I was lacking confidence/self-esteem etc. And she was going through a rough time in her life. She suffers from depression/anxiety due to being physically abused by her father, growing up in an abusive household, she saw someone try to kill themselves as a child, and her father is serving a prison sentence for murder at the moment, and she was a wreck. There were times when I feared for her own life, she would tell me how she was thinking about suicide, I found cuts on her thighs, and times when I spent the night with her I would have to hold her when she was having night terrors. I would do all that I could to help her with her issues. I was her only support structure. But from this I've learned that going into a relationship with a broken person doesn't end well, which I'm sure you have discovered by now. As unfortunate as it is, we entered their lives when they were at their lowest, and helped them get back on their feet, and now they don't need us anymore. My ex said that she had lost her feelings for me. Which really played a toll on me as it really made me question if her feelings were really genuine in the first place, but the more that I think about it, to me it doesn't really matter. Because if we truly love these people we want the best for them, and I've told my ex that no matter what she thinks of me, or how much she abuses me or despises me I'll always be there for her if she needs me. And there's no one that can take that away from us, no one can say that we didn't try enough or care, or give it our all. So I invite you to take that attitude on because it has really helped me deal with things recently. So to answer your question, there's nothing wrong with being a fixer, however we're attracted to broken people. And these broken people are like cancer to a relationship, and they can't help it. We can only help them, they're like a bird with a broken wing, we fix them and let them go. And if they come back later then that is entirely up to them. Not us. But we had an impact on their lives, and no one can take that away.
TaraMaiden Posted June 9, 2013 Posted June 9, 2013 We can't fix anyone. Nobody can fix anyone who won't be fixed. They have to want to be fixed, and then the fixing is up to them. What a 'fixer' has to do, is to understand this, and know when to quit. And when to quit, is illustrated in my post, above. nobody has the power, or the gift, or the ability or the talent, to fix anyone else. It's like having a broken leg and having it set in plaster by the Doctor. The doctor - doesn't 'fix' the leg. The patient - fixes their own leg. All the doctor does is to keep it straight and set it in the correct position to facilitate clean healing. That's all their input entails. But if that patient persists in playing soccer, or skipping, or running a marathon, or going swimming, or doing whatever they were initially doing when they broke the leg in the first place - then no amount of medical ministration will heal - that - leg. 1
Simon Phoenix Posted June 9, 2013 Posted June 9, 2013 Being a fixer is not a good thing. Being a supporter is. There's a significant difference between the two concepts. 2
Author Chris715 Posted June 9, 2013 Author Posted June 9, 2013 It's admirable but you can't be her savior -- and speaking from experience what I've learned is that you often drag yourself down to lift up another. And that is not going to make your ex beholden to you. Time to work on YOURSELF. Let your ex miss you and your concern -- if it's always there, then she took you for granted and likely began to even resent you for it. Which sucks but there it is. Stay NC and focus on making yourself strong again. It's a win-win if there is a chance she'll come back. I think you pretty much hit the nail on the head here with what happened between me and my ex.
Author Chris715 Posted June 9, 2013 Author Posted June 9, 2013 There's not a damn thing wrong with being a fixer, because you know what? I'm one too. I'm currently going through a break up with my first love, I'm a bit younger than you however. I met my girlfriend when I think we both needed someone. I was lacking confidence/self-esteem etc. And she was going through a rough time in her life. She suffers from depression/anxiety due to being physically abused by her father, growing up in an abusive household, she saw someone try to kill themselves as a child, and her father is serving a prison sentence for murder at the moment, and she was a wreck. There were times when I feared for her own life, she would tell me how she was thinking about suicide, I found cuts on her thighs, and times when I spent the night with her I would have to hold her when she was having night terrors. I would do all that I could to help her with her issues. I was her only support structure. But from this I've learned that going into a relationship with a broken person doesn't end well, which I'm sure you have discovered by now. As unfortunate as it is, we entered their lives when they were at their lowest, and helped them get back on their feet, and now they don't need us anymore. My ex said that she had lost her feelings for me. Which really played a toll on me as it really made me question if her feelings were really genuine in the first place, but the more that I think about it, to me it doesn't really matter. Because if we truly love these people we want the best for them, and I've told my ex that no matter what she thinks of me, or how much she abuses me or despises me I'll always be there for her if she needs me. And there's no one that can take that away from us, no one can say that we didn't try enough or care, or give it our all. So I invite you to take that attitude on because it has really helped me deal with things recently. So to answer your question, there's nothing wrong with being a fixer, however we're attracted to broken people. And these broken people are like cancer to a relationship, and they can't help it. We can only help them, they're like a bird with a broken wing, we fix them and let them go. And if they come back later then that is entirely up to them. Not us. But we had an impact on their lives, and no one can take that away. The top bolded part is my exact experience, seems like we're dealing with similar pain. And the last part I think is a good way to think about all of this, thanks man.
Author Chris715 Posted June 9, 2013 Author Posted June 9, 2013 Being a 'Fixer' is a bad thing on several counts: a) If you're not clinically and professionally trained. b) If the person you're trying to 'fix', doesn't actually want fixing. c) if the person you're trying to 'fix' is actually doing nothing for themselves, but uses you as a crutch. d) If what you're doing has an underlying agenda i.e., You want to be in a relationship with that person,You want that person to be grateful to you,You want that person to 'need' you. e) There's a very fine line between Wise Compassion and Idiot Compassion. Wise compassion enables healing and provides impetus for growth without compromising your emotions. Idiot Compassion always has ulterior motive, and bears a great resemblance to being a doormat. Thanks for somewhat spelling out a "fixer" for me. In my experience I think it was mainly c and d. Throughout helping her with all of this I definitely wanted to feel needed and wanted her to feel gratitude towards me but I never, ever said that to her. And yeah, looking back she definitely used me as a crutch.
TaraMaiden Posted June 9, 2013 Posted June 9, 2013 Then if you consider NC to be a means of getting her back, you have a very incorrect view of what NC is for. And if she does come back, and you 'resume' your relationship with her, as things stand, she will drain you dry and bleed you of every ounce of energy you have, until you become as dependent on her needs and attention, as she would be to your crutch-like 'support'. This relationship, going to those extremes would be dysfunctional and toxic. Really, believe me - you truly are better out of it. 3
johan Posted June 9, 2013 Posted June 9, 2013 Write her off. Cutting off contact is a smart thing to do for your own mental health. That's all it's for.
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