Asking a bartender out

[Anela]

No. I don't THINK I am a good catch. I KNOW it. And I don't need a man to chase me to know it. So yeah, his loss, of course. I enjoyed the sex, too. What's the big deal?

 

You woke up regretting it.

 

I had a cousin who slept with hot guys in high school, college, and beyond. Casual sex was more her thing, and she was perfectly happy feeling free. She didn't marry her son's father, when the condom broke and she fell pregnant. She wasn't dating anyone with the hopes of marriage - when she finally did get married, she eloped, five years ago this Summer.

 

I do have some idea of how you're feeling: you have no idea how much. I wish that I were capable of being the way my cousin was, but I haven't been so far.

[NoMoreJerks]

You woke up regretting it.

The regret had to do with the fact that I knew the guy was just interested in sex with me, and didn't want a relationship. It wasn't regret about having sex per se. The sex was out of this world, so enjoyable. It's the "what next?" that made me think of the word "regret", because I did not think of it as a ONS when it was happening.

[Anela]

Oh please. Not THOSE double standards again. So a guy is allowed to think of a woman as not relationship material because she enjoyed having sex just as much as he did, but he is supposed to be considered relationship material regardless of the fact that he wanted to have sex on his first date? He who judges should expect to be judged by the same standards. Why is a man's judgment so important? If a man is going to judge me because I opened my legs "too fast" and therefore am a "whore" rather than a "madonna", I do not want to be with him in the first place... Ever thought of that one? Apparently not. Apparently, standards are supposed to be set by men, eh? Dream on.

 

Yes, but what he's saying is that the man got what he wanted, regardless of his potential belief in the double standard.

 

I've just seen your reply above. That was why people were amazed that you had sex with him: you saw him as boyfriend material, not just sex.

[NoMoreJerks]

Yes, but what he's saying is that the man got what he wanted, regardless of his potential belief in the double standard.

 

I've just seen your reply above. That was why people were amazed that you had sex with him: you saw him as boyfriend material, not just sex.

I got what I wanted too. Sex. I would've preferred to keep on dating him, but I had no expectations that this would be the case beyond the shadow of a doubt, and I had sex with him knowing that full well. I didn't have sex with him because I thought I can "sex" my way into a relationship with him. I had sex with him because towards the end of my date, I realized that he probably did not want a relationship. And anyway, I never said I would not have sex with a guy who I thought was boyfriend material. I said I would not have a ONE night stand with a guy I thought was into a relationship. He did not appear to be, and so I see no problem with having a ONS with him. In fact, he texted me an hour ago, and I did not reply to his text.

 

Also, why should I be concerned that he got what he wanted ? This is not some silly childish game about who got what he/she wanted and who didn't. As far as I am concerned, we both got what we wanted, because we both wanted sex. I wasn't raped.

Edited June 12, 2013 by NoMoreJerks

[Mme. Chaucer]

My husband's a truck driver. There are women who hang around truck stops, drinking or drugging and available for the use of the truckers passing through. They're known as "lot lizards."

 

I think these are very sad women with terrible self esteem and certainly some deep problems. They are not liberated, sexually free women who are having a blast. They are desperate, lonely, attention starved, and this is the way they think they can ease that. Also they're usually addicts and / or alcoholics.

 

Is there a word for women who hang around in bars making their bodies available for traveling salesmen, or whatever they are, who are looking for some anonymous and effortless pussy?

 

Does that sound like the woman you want to be, OP? Because that is the picture you've painted of yourself. I'm not projecting or judging. I am looking at a picture that you've shown.

 

Anyway, back to the OP - how's things going with your bartender? Asked him out yet? I know you caught a lot of heat because he's a bartender, but at least he is not just passing through your city. That would be a good step.

Edited June 13, 2013 by Mme. Chaucer

[NoMoreJerks]

Does that sound like the woman you want to be, OP?

There is a difference between women who are desperate for some attention and who act like whores, and women who want to have some fun with a guy they are very attracted to.

 

I don't need a man to make me feel good about myself, though it definitely feels nice to be appreciated sometimes and told I am sexy, but I suspect everyone likes that sort of attention every now and then. I don't seek it out, though. I go to bars with zero intentions of getting picked up... Most of the time, I have my laptop with me, and work on it, especially when I go around 7pm or so, which is usually when I go to the bar anyway. As I said, I rarely if ever stay beyond 9pm, and most of the pick-up-some-pussy/cock crowd get active after 9-10pm..

 

how's things going with your bartender? Asked him out yet? I know you caught a lot of heat because he's a bartender, but at least he is not just passing through your city. That would be a good step.

I haven't been back to that bar (or any bar) since last week. I am just having relaxing evenings at home lately. I actually don't feel like going back to that bar for now. Or any bar actually. I am going to stick to coffee shops and bookstores and try to motivate myself to go to the gym. I feel a bit emotionally drained. I don't think I am ready to date anyway. I had a full-range STD testing 2 days ago and yesterday. I hope I am clean, and if I am, I will give myself a fresh start and just take things easy.

[dasein]

Yeah, I thought I wasn't imagining things. Oh well. I am going to leave that one unanswered.

 

Stopped reading thread here. Wait a minute, I thought you wanted a ONS with this guy? If that's the case, he is leaving the door open.

 

One of my best friends is a top level bartender, and have known many bartenders over the years. He has been with countless women from the bar, as in hundreds, so you will likely be a ONS and nothing more.

 

Finally, bartenders are generally allowed to feed women free drinks, within reason, at their station to keep them there. They make more money when there are women at their bar, as men drink, spend and tip more. Simple bar business.

 

And if I ever get a whiff that a woman I find baseline interesting is carrying on ONS with one group or "type" of men, and leading different groups of men towards a relationship by acting differently with them, and there is even a whiff of overlap in these activities, I'm gone instantly, and any self-respecting man will likely feel the same.

[CryForNoOne]

Stopped reading thread here. Wait a minute, I thought you wanted a ONS with this guy? If that's the case, he is leaving the door open.

 

One of my best friends is a top level bartender, and have known many bartenders over the years. He has been with countless women from the bar, as in hundreds, so you will likely be a ONS and nothing more.

 

Finally, bartenders are generally allowed to feed women free drinks, within reason, at their station to keep them there. They make more money when there are women at their bar, as men drink, spend and tip more. Simple bar business.

 

And if I ever get a whiff that a woman I find baseline interesting is carrying on ONS with one group or "type" of men, and leading different groups of men towards a relationship by acting differently with them, and there is even a whiff of overlap in these activities, I'm gone instantly, and any self-respecting man will likely feel the same.

 

I used to bartend and everything you say is spot on. I broke this down for her already. But apparently she lives in the one bizarro city in North America where bartenders frown all the time and never comp drinks. Also people go to bars so they can avoid talking to strangers...

[NoMoreJerks]

I used to bartend and everything you say is spot on. I broke this down for her already. But apparently she lives in the one bizarro city in North America where bartenders frown all the time and never comp drinks. Also people go to bars so they can avoid talking to strangers...

Actually, what I said about my city is very true, and no , other cities that I've visited are not like that. Heck, I was in D.C and San Francisco only 2 months ago, and I had ZERO trouble talking to people -- they were so friendly, it felt like taking a breath of fresh air after being in solitary confinement for years.

[Emilia]

Actually, what I said about my city is very true, and no , other cities that I've visited are not like that. Heck, I was in D.C and San Francisco only 2 months ago, and I had ZERO trouble talking to people -- they were so friendly, it felt like taking a breath of fresh air after being in solitary confinement for years.

because you didn't have a reputation in those places...

 

this is a very sad thread OP, you are not getting at all what people are telling you about your behaviour

[NoMoreJerks]

because you didn't have a reputation in those places...

 

this is a very sad thread OP, you are not getting at all what people are telling you about your behaviour

EH? What are you on? What reputation do I have? I am not even talking about going to bars. I am talking about just going ANYWHERE. Even walking down the street. People here are just miserable and wear frowns ALL DAY LONG, ALL THE TIME. It has NOTHING to do with having any "reputation", and no, I have NO reputation. Bartenders hardly even know me.... In the past 2 years that I've been going to bars, I have only talked to exactly 3 men. So if you have nothing nice to say and are just going to go on a rant about my reputation when you know nothing about me and are judging me because I go to the bar on my own or because I had ONE ONS, then why are you participating in this thread? I suspect that many of you who are expressing how you "pity" me are actually doing it to feel good about yourselves, because it makes you feel that there are "worse" people out there. I hate to disappoint you, though. I am a classy person, not trashy like you are trying to make me out to be. I am intelligent, doing a PhD, and very independent. And I sure as hell do not like judgmental people who put labels on people based on a few things they read about them.

 

And here you go, here is a sample of people's experiences in my city:

 

http://www.city-data.com/forum/montreal/1160700-rude-folks-montreal-typical.html

 

I've lived in this city all my life, and I know what it is like. I don't need you to tell me what my city is like, and that people are so rude because "I have a reputation". You made it sound like everyone in my city knows me by name because I am some notorious whore. Wow, how rude and silly.

Edited June 13, 2013 by NoMoreJerks

[jcrew11]

I don't want to try online dating. The last time I tried getting to know a guy on an online dating site, he set up a date with me, then dropped me last minute, saying that he had decided he had feelings for this other girl that he had been seeing (from the same site).

 

That hurt more than anything else. The fact that I was taken for that ride. Maybe I just don't need a relationship right now -- I definitely don't need the bullsh*t associated with trying to get into one.

 

You say no one in your city wants to date you, but you refuse to meet any of the available men in online dating sites. Sure, there are creeps and players, but there are a few nerdy nice guys on online dating that are willing to commit to you. Like I said, you go to bars to meet traveling businessmen because you are afraid of getting hurt by a guy, and would prefer the excitement and novelty of meeting an out of town stranger.

[NoMoreJerks]

You say no one in your city wants to date you, but you refuse to meet any of the available men in online dating sites. Sure, there are creeps and players, but there are a few nerdy nice guys on online dating that are willing to commit to you. Like I said, you go to bars to meet traveling businessmen because you are afraid of getting hurt by a guy, and would prefer the excitement and novelty of meeting an out of town stranger.

Well, thanks -- I guess I now have my very own team of psychoanalysts on this forum...

 

I don't do online dating because: 1) it seems forced/artificial; 2) everyone writes bull**** and silly stuff and most of the time it's just embarrassing to read the stuff people write; at least in person, you can tell what someone's after right away without wasting any time; 3) most people in online dating are just using it to play around.. 4) most of the men I've seen on online sites I've just not felt intrigued by, and this is not a looks problem most of the time. 5) i've had a man set up and cancel a date on me, and tell me he liked some other girl better. at least he was honest and didn't just use me for sex, but really? if he had reached a point where he was on the verge of developing feelings for a girl he had been seeing for months before seeing my profile, why on earth would he set up a date with me? I wouldn't be surprised if it was an ego thing he was doing. no thanks. 6) most of the men on online dating sites are way below my education level and in terms of a career, unlike people I've met in person, including in bars (I'd like to meet people I can have an intelligent conversation with, and my experience in conversing with people I've messaged on online dating sites is that it's such a shallow, unintelligent level of conversation). 7) I hate writing about myself and telling people what I'm about and what I like. I don't like "selling" myself. It's sort of like a form of prostitution, almost.

Edited June 13, 2013 by NoMoreJerks

[CryForNoOne]

EH? What are you on? What reputation do I have? I am not even talking about going to bars. I am talking about just going ANYWHERE. Even walking down the street. People here are just miserable and wear frowns ALL DAY LONG, ALL THE TIME. It has NOTHING to do with having any "reputation", and no, I have NO reputation. Bartenders hardly even know me.... In the past 2 years that I've been going to bars, I have only talked to exactly 3 men. So if you have nothing nice to say and are just going to go on a rant about my reputation when you know nothing about me and are judging me because I go to the bar on my own or because I had ONE ONS, then why are you participating in this thread? I suspect that many of you who are expressing how you "pity" me are actually doing it to feel good about yourselves, because it makes you feel that there are "worse" people out there. I hate to disappoint you, though. I am a classy person, not trashy like you are trying to make me out to be. I am intelligent, doing a PhD, and very independent. And I sure as hell do not like judgmental people who put labels on people based on a few things they read about them.

 

And here you go, here is a sample of people's experiences in my city:

 

Rude folks in Montreal -- typical? (sale, live in, shoppers) - City-Data Forum

 

I've lived in this city all my life, and I know what it is like. I don't need you to tell me what my city is like, and that people are so rude because "I have a reputation". You made it sound like everyone in my city knows me by name because I am some notorious whore. Wow, how rude and silly.

 

Ok so this actually makes a bit of sense as Montreal has a slight reputation for being rude, particularly Québécois towards English speakers. Do you speak French fluently? If you don't, that explains a lot. That being said I've been to Montreal many times as a kid and adult and have had a really fun time and met some great people in bars despite this reputation for being slightly rude. Paris has the same reputation but it doesn't prevent it from being an amazing city with amazing people...

[NoMoreJerks]

Ok so this actually makes a bit of sense as Montreal has a slight reputation for being rude, particularly Québécois towards English speakers. Do you speak French fluently? If you don't, that explains a lot. That being said I've been to Montreal many times as a kid and adult and have had a really fun time and met some great people in bars despite this reputation for being slightly rude. Paris has the same reputation but it doesn't prevent it from being an amazing city with amazing people...

I speak French fluently. However, that doesn't stop people from being rude and generally very cold! It's not always or primarily a language issue, unlike what a lot of people make it out to be. It's a cultural thing. Men, in particular, are especially cold, almost to the point of being asexual. The only place where they are more or less "approachable" or approach women, is in night clubs, but that is a very young crowd scene that I do not particularly fit into, nor am enthusiastic about. And anyway, it's unwelcome attention -- all about sex. Bars are at least places where you can talk to people... Even then, Montreal is known for having live bands in bars, which makes it incredibly difficult to talk in a bar past 9 or 10pm. People just sit there and listen to some crappy band. One would expect that at least that would open the way for more flirty behaviour, and make it easier for men to approach women, but even that is rare... The only good times I've had has been when interacting with foreigners -- be they men or women -- or people from outside Quebec, especially people from Ontario and Newfoundland. I've lived in Toronto for several years, and I know for a fact that Toronto differs from Montreal in that respect. You get people chatting with you at bus stops, supermarkets, etc. Here?Everyone just pushes everyone around and is generally very impatient and has very little sense of humour, interest in others, etc. In a way, it is almost a very narcissistic atmosphere. As for the bar scene, did you visit bars on Crescent street/downtown? That's usually the liveliest it gets, and even there, the ones doing the approaching/talking? They are all foreigners. No wonder I've had so many foreign men talk to me. I mean, one would think that in the years that I've been going to bars here, I would've been approached at least once by Montreal men, but nope..... Good luck with that... it's like they are on bromide or whatever it is that they say makes people asexual..

[jcrew11]

Well, thanks -- I guess I now have my very own team of psychoanalysts on this forum...

 

I don't do online dating because: 1) it seems forced/artificial; 2) everyone writes bull**** and silly stuff and most of the time it's just embarrassing to read the stuff people write; at least in person, you can tell what someone's after right away without wasting any time; 3) most people in online dating are just using it to play around.. 4) most of the men I've seen on online sites I've just not felt intrigued by, and this is not a looks problem most of the time. 5) i've had a man set up and cancel a date on me, and tell me he liked some other girl better. at least he was honest and didn't just use me for sex, but really? if he had reached a point where he was on the verge of developing feelings for a girl he had been seeing for months before seeing my profile, why on earth would he set up a date with me? I wouldn't be surprised if it was an ego thing he was doing. no thanks. 6) most of the men on online dating sites are way below my education level and in terms of a career, unlike people I've met in person, including in bars (I'd like to meet people I can have an intelligent conversation with, and my experience in conversing with people I've messaged on online dating sites is that it's such a shallow, unintelligent level of conversation). 7) I hate writing about myself and telling people what I'm about and what I like. I don't like "selling" myself. It's sort of like a form of prostitution, almost.

 

I don't want to pile on you or blame you for your failures. We all have people nagging us about our problems. But you wrote on this forum because you want help and advice. As outsiders, we can provide insight that you may not be aware of. I think a lot of your social failures stem from your naivety and lack of experience dating or with men, in general. Online dating is annoying, and its a pain in the butt, but its also probably the easiest way to meet available men in your city. Even if you just use it to make platonic friends. There are also lots of other websites that you can use to meet people and forums for whatever are your hobbies or interests. Meetup is also a good site to meet people in platonic events. As an outsider, it just seems like you are choosing to place yourself in bad situations and then complaining about those situations. A lot of this drama, is for people who experience promiscuoity in high school and college, and get it out of their system or learn from their mistakes. Perhaps now is your time to get the wild times out of your system before you hit 40.

[NoMoreJerks]

Well, I just went on one of the major dating sites.. and signed up... and to my shock and horror, lol, that guy I had a date / ONS(?) with, has a profile there... His profile states: "Looking for an outgoing person who can show me all Montreal has to offer. I am an active person who loves outdoor adventures... cycling, hiking, running, and swimming to name a few. My friends would describe me as quiet, but very funny once you get to know me. I'm opening an office for a US based company in Montreal so I'm currently splitting time between both places. It's nice to get away from the heat on the west coast in the summer, but the winters here are a bit intimidating!" And he was "active within 24 hours"...

 

So he is looking for...? of course, a one night stand / fwb.... and he was looking for it while he was supposedly also texting me. what a douchebag. And you want me to try online dating? lol yeah, right. And many of the people on the dating site are actually not from Montreal, and are here on long-term or short-term business trips... great, so what's the difference? If I'm going to end up going out with people like that, I'd rather do it by going to the bar and socializing with them rather than picking them out of an online catalogue.

Edited June 14, 2013 by NoMoreJerks

[Mme. Chaucer]

In the past 2 years that I've been going to bars, I have only talked to exactly 3 men.

 

And you had sex with each of them ?

[NoMoreJerks]

And you had sex with each of them ?

I have "talked" with many more, but by "talk" I meant, have long conversations. And yeah, I did sleep with all three. One of them was my ex ( I slept with him after going out on dates with him 3 times), and the other was a ONS. And this third one, I slept with him after a proper dinner date, but it now turns out that he's a player -- he's on online dating sites trying to get women to hang out with him/have sex.

 

He actually texted me today, asking me if I had big plans for tonight. I didn't reply for about 5 hours, and when I did, I said, not really, if you don't have any plans already, and would like to go site seeing, let me know. He texted me saying he was going out for dinner with co-workers, but that he'd call me later. I get another text a while ago (3 hours after the last text), saying that it looks like it's gonna take a while, but that he'd try calling me later... of course, it may well be that the "co-workers" is not really who he's hanging out with (I doubt it would take 4 hours to dine with co-workers), but rather, someone he met on that online dating site.... I was actually going to hang out with him and then come back home by myself, but forget it. Men are so disappointing.

Edited June 14, 2013 by NoMoreJerks

[Mme. Chaucer]

Well, I just went on one of the major dating sites.. and signed up... and to my shock and horror, lol, that guy I had a date / ONS(?) with, has a profile there…

 

What's wrong with that? He's not your boyfriend, you aren't even dating! You are complete strangers who had sex!

 

****, I thought you were gonna be HAPPY that he had the profile up, because now you know he's single.

 

So he is looking for...? of course, a one night stand / fwb.... and he was looking for it while he was supposedly also texting me. what a douchebag.

 

Why does that make him a douchebag? Honestly, you make NO sense. Because he met you in a bar and you guys exchanged some texts and then had sex, he's supposed to stop looking for a relationship? In what world does one have anything to do with the other?

 

Look. You made it very clear by your actions that you were not interested in getting to know this man and that you were ready for sex. Evidently he felt the same about you. He's not any more of a baddie than you are for doing that.

 

PLEASE explain to me how his online profile makes him a douchebag? Or how his search for a relationship using the Internet has anything to do with your night of sex together?

[NoMoreJerks]

What's wrong with that? He's not your boyfriend, you aren't even dating! You are complete strangers who had sex!

Um, it was supposedly a date. Just because we had sex at the end of it does not mean it wasn't a date.

 

****, I thought you were gonna be HAPPY that he had the profile up, because now you know he's single.

I already knew that. And no, that does not mean he is necessarily single. Plenty of married men have profiles unbeknownst to their partners.

 

Why does that make him a douchebag? Honestly, you make NO sense. Because he met you in a bar and you guys exchanged some texts and then had sex, he's supposed to stop looking for a relationship? In what world does one have anything to do with the other?

No, because we had a date, and it so happened that I liked him a lot and we clicked so much that I wanted to have sex with him. The fact that we had sex after the first date does not make it a ONS. Plenty of people have sex after the first date and go on to have relationships. In what way does one have anything to do with the other? Are you for real? He kept texting me on a daily basis after the dinner/sex.AND at the same time ssurfing that website. And no, he is not looking for a relationship. He is looking for FWB. What he posted is the long version of "I am looking for a friend with benefits." I can't believe you'd so blatantly side with a douchebag player. But then again, maybe I shouldn't be surprised: after all, you always defended my ex's behaviour , and blamed me for his ****ty treatment of me.

 

Look. You made it very clear by your actions that you were not interested in getting to know this man and that you were ready for sex. Evidently he felt the same about you. He's not any more of a baddie than you are for doing that.

What, by talking to him for 3 hours the first time we met, then another 4 hours during a dinner? Oh yeah, because most women do more than that? Yeah right. We talked non-stop during those 2 times that we spent time together, and we got to know each other quite well. He was witty and funny, and sounded like a good guy. I just didn't like the text he sent me the following evening, which was a blatantly booty call type text. A man who is interested in a woman and doesn't want to just use her for sex, will not be turned off by the fact that she had sex with him after the first date. And if he is, I don't want to have anything to do with such a man. And yes, I want to have nothing to do with this guy, if that is why he thinks I am just booty call material! I do not tolerate hypocrisy and double standards.

[Mme. Chaucer]

And this third one, I slept with him after a proper dinner date, but it now turns out that he's a player -- he's on online dating sites trying to get women to hang out with him/have sex.

 

Why do you think he's a player? You wanted to have sex, he's single, he went for it. You loved it. YOU didn't care about taking any time to get to know HIM. Evidently the feeling was mutual. THAT IS FAIR.

 

Why would it be wrong for him to be interested in having sex with some other ladies? You want to have sex with all kinds of men these days, right?

 

HE IS SINGLE. FREE.

 

You're already heading down the exact same road you went down with your so-called "ex" (which I call the guy who took advantage of your availability for booty calls when it was convenient for him).

 

You want to behave like an easy lay, be prepared to be treated like one.

 

 

He actually texted me today, asking me if I had big plans for tonight. I didn't reply for about 5 hours, and when I did, I said, not really, if you don't have any plans already, and would like to go site seeing, let me know. He texted me saying he was going out for dinner with co-workers, but that he'd call me later. I get another text a while ago (3 hours after the last text), saying that it looks like it's gonna take a while, but that he'd try calling me later... of course, it may well be that the "co-workers" is not really who he's hanging out with (I doubt it would take 4 hours to dine with co-workers), but rather, someone he met on that online dating site.... I was actually going to hang out with him and then come back home by myself, but forget it. Men are so disappointing.

 

So … do you want to date this guy? Is that what you want? If you do, then DO NOT text things like "if you want to go sightseeing later, bla bla bla." Let him ask you out for a date without ANY prompting from you. And if this does not happen? DO NOT BECOME HIS BOOTY CALL. Never initiate a text, call, or have sex with him again. Or you'll go completely bonkers.

 

If he really likes you, he'll make the efforts to date you.

 

And, no, I do NOT believe that guys have to do all the work and chase girls. But you've set a precedent here of just being seen as somebody to go have sex with, and if you don't like that you'll have to behave a lot differently now. And frankly, I doubt it will work.

 

Tonight? No, he likely IS doing what he says he's doing, and enjoying himself. He's probably leaving the option to pop over for a quick bang at your place if he feels like it after hanging out with his friends, since you are probably up for it. And if he's too tired or feels more like watching the Sports Channel in his hotel room than having sex, he won't contact you later.

 

You set the precedent, so don't be trashing on him if he avails himself.

 

This is not a double standard. If you want to screw, you can call him at the spur of the moment and see if he's up for that. It's not about men vs. women. It's about a different way of comporting oneself if one is looking for a relationship of ANY kind or just quick & easy sex.

 

NMJ - THIS is why you cannot keep conducting yourself as you are sexually. If you were really fine with ONS's, you would never, ever even have a moment of thinking to write something about this guy being a "douchebag." You had fun sex with him and that was what it was. Maybe it will happen again, maybe it won't. Maybe you'll actually date (unlikely). End of story.

[veggirl]

God you're confusing. First it's all just fun then you're upset a guy you went on one date with doesn't want a "relationship" with you and you say it's his loss.

 

What do YOU want?

Did you want a relationship with the guy you went on one date with and proclaimed it all just fun?

 

Girl. Figure it out, if you want a real R then quit it with this fun sex ons BS. It won't get you a relationship and sport fking while you wait is just very unbecoming to potential partners. Really.

 

If you want just fun then quit being upset when traveling businessmen just want the sex.

 

Is this guy even single?

Edited June 14, 2013 by veggirl

[Mme. Chaucer]

Um, it was supposedly a date. Just because we had sex at the end of it does not mean it wasn't a date.

 

Going out with someone ONE TIME does not equate to "dating."

 

No, because we had a date, and it so happened that I liked him a lot and we clicked so much that I wanted to have sex with him. The fact that we had sex after the first date does not make it a ONS.

 

NMJ. Think about this. How do YOU distinguish between being in a real "dating" relationship and being a booty call for some guy?

 

Because, you're right. Having sex the first date does not make it a ONS. If you have sex again, it won't just be one night any more.

 

But you still might be a booty call.

 

You behave like a booty call girl. So don't be mad or indignant or insulting when guys who are into that are happy to go along with you.

 

YOU SET THE TONE.

 

He kept texting me on a daily basis after the dinner/sex.

 

Um … didn't you just have your (maybe) ONS the day before yesterday? So the "daily basis" doesn't mean much, does it?

 

 

AND at the same time ssurfing that website.

 

At the same time? You've "known" this man for a total of 3 or 4 days, and all of the time evidently spent drunk. Sorry. Not worth taking a profile down over that!

 

"I am looking for a friend with benefits." I can't believe you'd so blatantly side with a douchebag player.

 

Are you stark raving mad??? You've been posting here nonstop about how you "prefer" one night stands to anything else, you boasted about screwing somebody's husband a few days ago, now this guy, and you have the nerve to whine about him being a "douchebag player"?

 

Somebody could have a few really nasty things to call you, if you want to go down that road.

 

He has done nothing that you haven't done. And he probably didn't have sex with a married stranger a few days before he poked you, either, so you're probably a few rungs below him in the virtue department.

 

I am not taking his side. I don't give a crap about him and I didn't give a crap about your fake "ex."

 

You're doing it again. You are behaving in a certain way and when it gets the 100% predictable results, you get all indignant and even crazy-like.

 

Look. Women who hang out in bars drinking alone and going home with strangers match up perfectly well with men who hang out alone in bars and go home with strangers. No douches here. But if one of those people wants to make something more of it in their imagination? That still doesn't make the other person a douche.

 

A man who is interested in a woman and doesn't want to just use her for sex, will not be turned off by the fact that she had sex with him after the first date.

 

Who says he's "turned off" by the fact? I'm sure he enjoyed it as much as you did.

 

And if he "just used" you for sex, you did exactly the same thing.

 

 

he thinks I am just booty call material! I do not tolerate hypocrisy and double standards.

 

But … what you have shown is "booty call material." He has nothing else to go on.

 

And, I'll reiterate - THERE IS NO DOUBLE STANDARD. You are just as entitled to call him up for sexy times when you're bored as he is to call you.

 

No double standard. Same for each of you.

[NoMoreJerks]

So … do you want to date this guy? Is that what you want? If you do, then DO NOT text things like "if you want to go sightseeing later, bla bla bla." Let him ask you out for a date without ANY prompting from you. And if this does not happen? DO NOT BECOME HIS BOOTY CALL. Never initiate a text, call, or have sex with him again. Or you'll go completely bonkers.

Geez. Do you even read half the stuff I write? I NEVER, NOT ONCE initiated texting, except that one time after he gave me his phone number and didn't manage to get mine. I texted him so that he'd have my number. THAT IS ALL. I NEVER, NOT ONCE, initiated texting with him. And texting has so far been restricted to setting up dates or asking if I had any plans for the evening. That is all. I do not like doing back and forths by text, about how my day is, etc. If he wants to talk to me about that during the day, he can pick up the phone and CALL me. That is one thing I learned from the experience with my ex. I no longer do conversations via text. Here's the full story with this guy: while we were having dinner, he asked me what my favourite movie was and I said Blade Runner. He said he's never seen it. At the end of dinner, he said, so what do you want to do now: do you want to go somewhere else together? Or watch Blade Runner? I wanted to leave the ball in his court, to see what HE wanted to do. If he had wanted to "get to know me better", as you stated, he would've picked going somewhere else, or even just heading our separate ways and continuing from where we left off in a future date. He picked "watching Blade Runner", which I knew was key word for sex. In no way did the fact that I asked "what do YOU want to do?" indicate that I was inviting him for sex. Anyway, that night we had sex, and he left -- he claimed he didn't have the solution for his lenses, or something. He texted me when he got to his hotel, saying: "Made it back, but I wish I were there! Thanks again for a great night " The following afternoon, at 4pm, he texted me: "still thinking about last night... hope you had a good day!" I replied an hour later, with a simple "Me too Enjoy the rest of the day ", because I assumed that since he hadn't set up anything for that evening ahead of time, we wouldn't be meeting up. He got back to me 10 minutes later: "Does that mean no blade runner tonight?" = "no sex?"

 

I didn't reply to that text. This morning, he texted me around noon. "Any big plans tonight?" No mention of anything he wanted to plan with me. I didn't reply until 5pm, and said, "no not really. I am free after 7pm. If you don't have other plans already, got any places you'd like to visit in Montreal?" It was just a casual invitation to spend some time together, because I had ZERO intention of having sex with him, and I expected that he might've made other plans since I didn't reply to his text until 5pm. He got back to me almost immediately: "Cool, some folks from work are taking me out to eat after work, but I'll give you a call after." I didn't reply. I mean, I see no need to. Then he texted me 3 hrs later, at 8:30pm (he usually leaves work at 5:30 and I am assuming they went to dinner straight after that), saying: "I'm sorry, it looks like I'm going to be stuck with my coworkers a little while I'll try calling you later ". I didn't reply.

 

So where have I initiated anything? I mean, I didn't exactly want to show total lack of interest (I was up for going some place together), but I didn't chase after him either.

 

If he really likes you, he'll make the efforts to date you.

Yes, well, apparently he doesn't? Or is "any big plans tonight?" enough of an effort? I didn't think so.

 

And, no, I do NOT believe that guys have to do all the work and chase girls. But you've set a precedent here of just being seen as somebody to go have sex with, and if you don't like that you'll have to behave a lot differently now. And frankly, I doubt it will work.

And how is that the case??! Just because I had sex with him once? I already ignored his text in which he treated me like a booty call, and pretty much ignored his next text as well, for most of the day.

 

Tonight? No, he likely IS doing what he says he's doing, and enjoying himself. He's probably leaving the option to pop over for a quick bang at your place if he feels like it after hanging out with his friends, since you are probably up for it.

Good luck with that... Nope, no chance, no way. In fact, if he does ask me out to dinner next time, and that's a big if, I am not going to have sex with him. If he doesn't like that, he can go bang one of the whores on the online dating site, who probably won't even be able to have an intelligent conversation with him.

 

And if he's too tired or feels more like watching the Sports Channel in his hotel room than having sex, he won't contact you later.

I don't want him to contact me, if he is that kind of a person. I already do not answer texts or phone calls from him after 9pm.....

 

How have I even given an inkling here that I am a booty call? I fail to see that. I have had sex with him after a first date. That is all. Plenty of people do that, and that is no big deal if the guy is interested in more than just sex in the first place.

 

NMJ - THIS is why you cannot keep conducting yourself as you are sexually. If you were really fine with ONS's, you would never, ever even have a moment of thinking to write something about this guy being a "douchebag." You had fun sex with him and that was what it was. Maybe it will happen again, maybe it won't. Maybe you'll actually date (unlikely). End of story.

Oh I can have one night stands alright. I would not exchange numbers with someone I want to have one night stand with. Easy. He goes off, and I never see him again and he can't call me up for another booty call / and it doesn't get messy because I start having feelings/expectations.

 

Also, earlier you were bashing me for having had sex with this guy who is a mere "businessman looking for some sex". Now all of a sudden you think he's looking for a relationship? Yeah right.

Edited June 14, 2013 by NoMoreJerks