Asking a bartender out

June 12, 2013

NoMoreJerks. I'm from Canada too. And guess what, the one and only time I've ever been to a bar, the bartender bought me a drink (and I said barely two words to him all night! I only asked to use the pool table.)

The guy you're seeing for dinner doesn't sound interested to me tbqh. Unless a guy is shy, usually they're pretty proactive if they want to see you. At least, that's what I found from my experience. Even male friends pick the place and the time (though they check with me first). If a guy wants to see you, he'll make an effort. A decent effort, not the half-a$$ thing your guy's doing.

June 12, 2013

I had a great time. The dinner was great fun, we never had an awkward moment . I am usually nervous at dates, but I did really well. I managed to shake off the nervousness and enjoy myself. I also asked him to come back to my place, and had sex with him. He had to leave, since he has to get up for work. He said he will see me again soon. He was totally unselfish in bed and did everything for me. It was all about me.

June 12, 2013

NoMoreJerks. I'm from Canada too. And guess what, the one and only time I've ever been to a bar, the bartender bought me a drink (and I said barely two words to him all night! I only asked to use the pool table.)

Not all of Canada is the same. I had a great time with total strangers when I went to New Brunswick, for example. The bar scene there is totally different than the bar scene where I am.

The guy you're seeing for dinner doesn't sound interested to me tbqh. Unless a guy is shy, usually they're pretty proactive if they want to see you. At least, that's what I found from my experience. Even male friends pick the place and the time (though they check with me first). If a guy wants to see you, he'll make an effort. A decent effort, not the half-a$$ thing your guy's doing.

He is sorta shy. He was actually hesitant to talk to me at the bar, where I met him -- because he thought I might not want to talk to him. He ended up talking to me anyway. He is not a bar scene type person, he was just there to grab a bite. He's actually not a big alcohol person either.

He was very respectful and treated me like a queen. Do I regret opening my legs for him on my first date? (technically, the first time we met doesn't count as a first date , even though we did spend 3 hours together). Maybe I will, soon enough. But whatever. I might as well relax and enjoy my time.

June 12, 2013

I had a great time. The dinner was great fun, we never had an awkward moment . I am usually nervous at dates, but I did really well. I managed to shake off the nervousness and enjoy myself. I also asked him to come back to my place, and had sex with him. He had to leave, since he has to get up for work. He said he will see me again soon. He was totally unselfish in bed and did everything for me. It was all about me.

I think I already know how this is going to end...

June 12, 2013

I had a great time. The dinner was great fun, we never had an awkward moment . I am usually nervous at dates, but I did really well. I managed to shake off the nervousness and enjoy myself. I also asked him to come back to my place, and had sex with him. He had to leave, since he has to get up for work. He said he will see me again soon. He was totally unselfish in bed and did everything for me. It was all about me.

Not all of Canada is the same. I had a great time with total strangers when I went to New Brunswick, for example. The bar scene there is totally different than the bar scene where I am.

He is sorta shy. He was actually hesitant to talk to me at the bar, where I met him -- because he thought I might not want to talk to him. He ended up talking to me anyway. He is not a bar scene type person, he was just there to grab a bite. He's actually not a big alcohol person either.

He was very respectful and treated me like a queen. Do I regret opening my legs for him on my first date? (technically, the first time we met doesn't count as a first date , even though we did spend 3 hours together). Maybe I will, soon enough. But whatever. I might as well relax and enjoy my time.

Like...at this point, I couldn't care less about analyzing the situation or how interested this guy is or not...I really think that's way besides the point and what I would really like to just know is...

What in the world is wrong with you right now?

You're doing the whole flip-flopping again...it's not really not adding up, but I'm not going to hound you for the same things I've already mentioned and talked about, I'm just going to accept the fact that you're choosing to not see what is there or the major problem here.

I just hope you kind of wake up and realize that not only are disarming yourself even more by pretending to be in control of your "emotions" while engaging in these "activities" with men...you're not empowering yourself in the slightest even though you may not think so right now but it's going to damage you and have an impact on your psyche because you're in this careless state of mind where you're just living in the moment and the decision making and thought process in the moment is reflecting that by how you even react to what these guys do and say, it's clear and transparent and exposing that you clearly are in a much more vulnerable state than you are stating you're not even in...you're intelligent, educated, yadda yadda...why in the world you think those things matter when you're acting just like every insecure/jaded/vying for attention from men for validation or some internal struggle to prove to yourself that you can't be hurt or emotionally affected...like it's some feat of strength to prove it like you get a special badge or something...when in reality all you do is make the problem worse.

Chances are you're just going to prove to yourself that these men are just looking for casual sex or a FWB scenario with you and then you're going to let that whole thing manipulate the way you conduct yourself with them...I'm not even sure how that's even worth it to you.

You might think you're just flowing through this and gaining ground on the confidence level, but all you are really doing is gradually throwing your hands up in the air, spiraling out of control deeper down and basically cutting your own wrist to test if you can feel the pain...I can see right through it and everybody else can too here, I'm not sure why this guy won't get his spider senses tingling either and realizing you're exactly the type of girl that's out there looking for a man in a bar.

Instead of facing the pain and resolving it, women that have been through what you have been through merely justify the behavior and continue the cyclical behavior...like if you're strapped to a horse you can't get off of.

Because there's a deep internal part of you that is emotionally wounded so you just keep poking at that wound like a little kid who knows it's just going to make it hurt even more. You can't help it, and you can't help yourself...you won't help yourself, because you don't want to change, too stubborn and overestimate your own wisdom and experience even though I know you know you're only lying to yourself.

I am if anything fascinated and disappointed that you refuse to look in the mirror and address the real issues...even if you do meet a decent guy that does want a relationship, it's going to go up in flames because of all this pent of crap you're carrying around you that you think just magically goes away if you bury it deep enough...from what you've shown I cannot imagine it going any other way, that is if the "fixer" nice guy happens to come across your way amongst the typical males that will just likely use you for a wet hole (of course while you don't have any feelings or hope involved ) that you seem to be encountering as of late...you're like a ripe piece of a flesh to a flock of mosquito's.

You're clearly in desperate need for attention though.

June 12, 2013

I'm quite surprised no one has mentioned this so far:

Here's a girl who'd **** a guy for a ONS if they both want it.

On the flip side, she states that she wouldn't have a ONS with a guy who's dating material.

What the ****?

So basically you'd make the guys that you want a relationship with wait, but give it up easily for guys that you don't want to date?

This blows my mind.

Why should a guy who you deem worthy of a relationship work for sex when you've been giving it away for free?

June 12, 2013

I'm quite surprised no one has mentioned this so far:

Here's a girl who'd **** a guy for a ONS if they both want it.

On the flip side, she states that she wouldn't have a ONS with a guy who's dating material.

What the ****?

So basically you'd make the guys that you want a relationship with wait, but give it up easily for guys that you don't want to date?

This blows my mind.

Why should a guy who you deem worthy of a relationship work for sex when you've been giving it away for free?

I never said I'd make anyone wait for sex. I said I would not have a ONE NIGHT STAND with men I want to have a relationship with.

June 12, 2013

Like...at this point, I couldn't care less about analyzing the situation or how interested this guy is or not...I really think that's way besides the point and what I would really like to just know is...

What in the world is wrong with you right now?

You're doing the whole flip-flopping again...it's not really not adding up, but I'm not going to hound you for the same things I've already mentioned and talked about, I'm just going to accept the fact that you're choosing to not see what is there or the major problem here.

I just hope you kind of wake up and realize that not only are disarming yourself even more by pretending to be in control of your "emotions" while engaging in these "activities" with men...you're not empowering yourself in the slightest even though you may not think so right now but it's going to damage you and have an impact on your psyche because you're in this careless state of mind where you're just living in the moment and the decision making and thought process in the moment is reflecting that by how you even react to what these guys do and say, it's clear and transparent and exposing that you clearly are in a much more vulnerable state than you are stating you're not even in...you're intelligent, educated, yadda yadda...why in the world you think those things matter when you're acting just like every insecure/jaded/vying for attention from men for validation or some internal struggle to prove to yourself that you can't be hurt or emotionally affected...like it's some feat of strength to prove it like you get a special badge or something...when in reality all you do is make the problem worse.

Chances are you're just going to prove to yourself that these men are just looking for casual sex or a FWB scenario with you and then you're going to let that whole thing manipulate the way you conduct yourself with them...I'm not even sure how that's even worth it to you.

You might think you're just flowing through this and gaining ground on the confidence level, but all you are really doing is gradually throwing your hands up in the air, spiraling out of control deeper down and basically cutting your own wrist to test if you can feel the pain...I can see right through it and everybody else can too here, I'm not sure why this guy won't get his spider senses tingling either and realizing you're exactly the type of girl that's out there looking for a man in a bar.

Instead of facing the pain and resolving it, women that have been through what you have been through merely justify the behavior and continue the cyclical behavior...like if you're strapped to a horse you can't get off of.

Because there's a deep internal part of you that is emotionally wounded so you just keep poking at that wound like a little kid who knows it's just going to make it hurt even more. You can't help it, and you can't help yourself...you won't help yourself, because you don't want to change, too stubborn and overestimate your own wisdom and experience even though I know you know you're only lying to yourself.

I am if anything fascinated and disappointed that you refuse to look in the mirror and address the real issues...even if you do meet a decent guy that does want a relationship, it's going to go up in flames because of all this pent of crap you're carrying around you that you think just magically goes away if you bury it deep enough...from what you've shown I cannot imagine it going any other way, that is if the "fixer" nice guy happens to come across your way amongst the typical males that will just likely use you for a wet hole (of course while you don't have any feelings or hope involved ) that you seem to be encountering as of late...you're like a ripe piece of a flesh to a flock of mosquito's.

You're clearly in desperate need for attention though.

Wait, what? All this diatribe because I took the guy back to mine for sex, on the first date? What exactly is wrong with that, if it feels right at the time? That said, I woke up today feeling bad about it, and I think I regret it, because I think I may have given it up way too quickly, but whatever. I have zero expectations at this point that this businessman will be able to maintain a relationship with me even if he comes to my city regularly.

June 12, 2013

Wait, what? All this diatribe because I took the guy back to mine for sex, on the first date? What exactly is wrong with that, if it feels right at the time? That said, I woke up today feeling bad about it, and I think I regret it, because I think I may have given it up way too quickly, but whatever. I have zero expectations at this point that this businessman will be able to maintain a relationship with me even if he comes to my city regularly.

We all knew this was going to happen except for you...

June 12, 2013

We all knew this was going to happen except for you...

What do you mean "except for you"? I knew there was a chance that he wasn't really looking for a relationship, just a casual thing. There's always that risk, regardless of whether the guy lives in my city or lives across the ocean. I don't care what happens. If what he had always wanted was just a one-night-stand, so be it. If that's the case, he's not relationship material, and I had fun banging him. His loss anyway.

June 12, 2013

I have zero expectations at this point that this businessman will be able to maintain a relationship with me even if he comes to my city regularly.

He won't want to, whether he would be 'able' to or not. Worst case scenario: you'll be a casual booty call in case he happens to be horny and bored when he passes through again, unless he finds a different willing girl that day. Just like you with the so-called "ex." Which devastated you. Nothing more. That's fine? I really doubt it. If that sad "worst case" happens, you'll be re-inventing the situation to one where he's your "boyfriend," and then when he conducts himself exactly as he's shown you he does, you'll viliianize him and fall apart, and drag it all on endlessly until somehow, some way, it mercifully comes to an end.

Best case scenario: He finds a different easy lay next time he's in your local bar, and spares you all that torture.

NMJ, you certainly free to conduct yourself however you choose. I don't even think that posters here are leveling judgement upon you because you have one night stands or go to a bar and drink a ton of booze BY YOURSELF almost EVERY DAY OF THE YEAR.

Not judgements, but concern. You are NOT behaving or presenting yourself as an "easy sex" kind of person … not by the longest shot imaginable.

What happened to your claim that you WOULD NOT have a ONS with this guy because there was "potential for something more," anyway? Why did you believe there would be "potential," no signals of anything like that came your way. And why did you change your mind?

Why don't you just go on dates with some regular guys who live in your huge city, rather than putting yourself out there to be used? Your pretense that you are using them just as much is not holding up.

June 12, 2013

He won't want to, whether he would be 'able' to or not. Worst case scenario: you'll be a casual booty call in case he happens to be horny and bored when he passes through again, unless he finds a different willing girl that day.

Yeah well, like I said, his loss, if he does not want a relationship and just wants a casual FWB arrangement. I am not doing that again. I have no shortage of men who would do ONS with me, and I have no reason to do a FWB. It might be better for me if this guy doesn't even call me again and conveniently disappears. I , for one, am not texting or calling him. That said, he was at least a gentleman when we spent time together. I have not seen him do anything so far that makes me think he's a bad person, or that sort of person. But he might not be interested in a relationship if he travels so often.

you'll be re-inventing the situation to one where he's your "boyfriend," and then when he conducts himself exactly as he's shown you he does, you'll viliianize him and fall apart, and drag it all on endlessly until somehow, some way, it mercifully comes to an end.

I never invented a situation where I thought my ex was my bf. He made it look like it, because he wanted to continue a FWB arrangement and I told him outright that I didn't want a FWB situation. If this is what this guy wants too, he can look for it elsewhere. But I do not regret banging him. Worst case scenario: it would've been a memorable ONS.

Best case scenario: He finds a different easy lay next time he's in your local bar, and spares you all that torture.

Sure! Whatever floats his boat. I don't really care. I have zero attachment to him, even after having had sex with him and gone on a date with him. Zero expectations.

What happened to your claim that you WOULD NOT have a ONS with this guy because there was "potential for something more," anyway? Why did you believe there would be "potential," no signals of anything like that came your way. And why did you change your mind?

Well, as far as I am concerned, the sex with him was not a ONS. I just really liked him, enjoyed his company, and was turned on by him. So I had sex with him. That is all. If it turns out that he does not want a relationship, then it would've been a ONS, and I don't mind that, really. But that was not my intention initially. My point was: I WANTED to date this guy, not just have a ONS and say bye to him and never see him again, EVER. But if that is what ends up happening, after I've had sex with him, then that was not an intentional "ONS".

Why don't you just go on dates with some regular guys who live in your huge city, rather than putting yourself out there to be used? Your pretense that you are using them just as much is not holding up.

Um, what do you mean by regular guys? Where would I meet these "regular" guys? And if they are not interested in asking me out, are you suggesting that I should chase after them? Stop them in the street and ask them for their number? Or what? If I were ugly, I bet I would have more dates than I've ever had. But being good-looking is a sort of a curse, because men only think of sex when they see me. I guess I should just go out in sweatpants and make myself look as unattractive as possible -- that might get me the "keeper" / regular guys, eh? Oh well. By the way, I do not even make the attempt to look "sexy." I wear jeans and a non-revealing top when I go to the bar. I dress "classy", not "trashy", so it's not like I'm attracting the wrong types anywhere I go, because of that. And no, bars aren't the only places I hang out in and get ogled.

Oh well. Whatever. It's not like if I went out with someone from my city, they would be totally uninterested in using me as a booty call. That happens all the time. A guy who is into that thing will go on 6 dates if that is what it takes to get you in the sack. And then drop you like a hot pot.

I don't want to try online dating. The last time I tried getting to know a guy on an online dating site, he set up a date with me, then dropped me last minute, saying that he had decided he had feelings for this other girl that he had been seeing (from the same site). That hurt more than anything else. The fact that I was taken for that ride. Maybe I just don't need a relationship right now -- I definitely don't need the bullsh*t associated with trying to get into one.

June 12, 2013

I'm sorry but this is just so sad to me.

NoMoreJerks, I really hope you stop this habit you have of drinking in bars alone and having ONS with the "traveling business men" that you meet.

You're going to turn into a walking cliche. The sad, middle-aged woman sipping on her cosmo waiting for Mr. Right to blow through the front door of the dank little bar you sit at alone.

Read: Men do not want a relationship with this woman. EVER.

June 12, 2013

I do not believe in "Mr. Right", nor do I have the fantasy of being swept off my feet by prince charming. As far as I am concerned, we were having a bit of fun.

Also, not all men who go to bars are looking for a woman to bang. This guy I met, had come to the bar because the entire restaurant in his hotel had been taken over by one of the Formula 1 teams, so he had to find somewhere else to eat. I normally would not go to a restaurant on my own, but bars are easier to eat at alone, since you can sit at the bar. He was even hesitant to start a conversation with me.

There seems to be this bias against meeting men on your own, as opposed to being introduced to them through mutual friends. That, to me, is bullsh*t.

So no, I don't need you to feel sorry for me. I am quite happy with what I am doing, and I don't see why you think I am to be pitied. I do not feel lonely -- in fact, I prefer to do things on my own, because my "friends" are mostly two-faced people who do not invite me to their social events, or if they do hang out with me, constantly talk about the same thing over and over again. It gets boring after a while when all someone talks about is Middle Eastern politics, or whatever. I like more varied discussions, and I just feel like I'm being dumbed down by hanging out with some of these people. So yes, I am an independent person and have no fear of being on my own or going out on my own. I like socializing, but I also love spending nights in, curling up on the couch, with a magazine or a book, or watching TV. My life is good. I really honestly think that maybe marriage is just not for me. I have a hard time bending to other people's whims. If I am made to do that, I get upset and unintentionally go into silent treatment mode, because I fume internally, and don't really say much about it. So I don't think I'd want to live with anyone. Not anytime soon anyway. I've lived at home for a long time, and that was not a good experience, so I value living on my own a lot more than most people do. I also come from a very socially conservative family, and that has backfired big time. I hate anything and everything conservative. It feels so pretentious. I'll take sexual promiscuity any day over that bullsh*t fake conservatism whereby everyone thinks everyone else's sexual life is any of their business. That whole episode with my family in many ways shapes my behaviour now, I suppose. I did not lose my virginity until I was 29, because of that, and because I was brought up to feel guilty about anything and everything I did or didn't do. I still struggle with that a lot,but I am trying to shake it off. ONS definitely help. So there are a lot of, and good, reasons for why I do the things I do. It's not some pathological self-destructive cycle I have gotten sucked into. And I definitely am not a miserable, middle-aged woman who is waiting for prince charming, and who should be pitied. Spare your pity for people who have bigger problems.

June 12, 2013

I'm sorry but this is just so sad to me.

NoMoreJerks, I really hope you stop this habit you have of drinking in bars alone and having ONS with the "traveling business men" that you meet.

You're going to turn into a walking cliche. The sad, middle-aged woman sipping on her cosmo waiting for Mr. Right to blow through the front door of the dank little bar you sit at alone.

Read: Men do not want a relationship with this woman. EVER.

Yeah, I'm just really puzzled by her weird feminist idealogy. She just keeps on choosing to put herself in bad situations with unatainable men. I think there is a certain "romanticism" with a rich stranger living in a nice hotel, and she can be a princess for a few nights a week sleeping in the hotel with a rich guy. I think she's just scared of getting dumped by a guy who lives in the same town, that she could potentially run into, rather than having FWB and ONS with traveling businessmen. If she wants to have kids and get married, then she needs to date a more reliable type of guy, but I don't think she knows what she wants.

June 12, 2013

Yeah, I'm just really puzzled by her weird feminist idealogy. .

Oh, no, please don't call it that. I've felt the conflicting feelings, I just didn't fully act on them. And I am a feminist, not a "feminazi."

June 12, 2013

Yeah, I'm just really puzzled by her weird feminist idealogy. She just keeps on choosing to put herself in bad situations with unatainable men. I think there is a certain "romanticism" with a rich stranger living in a nice hotel, and she can be a princess for a few nights a week sleeping in the hotel with a rich guy. I think she's just scared of getting dumped by a guy who lives in the same town, that she could potentially run into, rather than having FWB and ONS with traveling businessmen. If she wants to have kids and get married, then she needs to date a more reliable type of guy, but I don't think she knows what she wants.

Actually. Both of the guys I slept with recently, I took them back to my place, not back to their hotel. I'd feel safer playing on my own turf than on his.

June 12, 2013

Oh, no, please don't call it that. I've felt the conflicting feelings, I just didn't fully act on them. And I am a feminist, not a "feminazi."

I think its okay to be an independent sexual female, but then she gets so emotionally dramatic about every guy, that it becomes a very co-dependent traditionalist expectations.

Its the catch-22, a woman can't be sexually adventurous and promiscuous while also expecting the guy to be traditional and monogamous.

June 12, 2013

Actually. Both of the guys I slept with recently, I took them back to my place, not back to their hotel. I'd feel safer playing on my own turf than on his.

But do you like hooking up with "traveling consultants" because they are more disposable and it protects you from getting emotionally hurt if things don't work out?

June 12, 2013

No guy who lives in my city has offered to date me. The only things I've gotten offers for are sex. Including from people outside bars, such as men I've worked with or studied with. So, no, I am not "scared" of anything. I just don't have sex with men I work with. As for having a relationship with them, that was never on offer.

June 12, 2013

But do you like hooking up with "traveling consultants" because they are more disposable and it protects you from getting emotionally hurt if things don't work out?

No, not really? I don't sit down and plan these things, you know...? I don't turn down Canadian men and go for the foreigners....

June 12, 2013

I think its okay to be an independent sexual female, but then she gets so emotionally dramatic about every guy, that it becomes a very co-dependent traditionalist expectations.

Its the catch-22, a woman can't be sexually adventurous and promiscuous while also expecting the guy to be traditional and monogamous.

Eh? Which guy was I emotionally dramatic about?? I did a ONS, and slept with another guy I had a date with last night (possibly a one night stand?), and I am not dramatic over either of them.In fact, I could care less if the second guy got back to me. I mean, it would be great if he does, but I am not sitting around and waiting for prince charming to , um, text me.. I used to be a "wait by the phone" type of person, but not anymore. I have a life of my own, and stuff to do, and places to go, and no one is worth that much of my time/worries/anxiety, etc. Definitely not someone I've just met anyway.

June 12, 2013

What do you mean "except for you"? I knew there was a chance that he wasn't really looking for a relationship, just a casual thing. There's always that risk, regardless of whether the guy lives in my city or lives across the ocean. I don't care what happens. If what he had always wanted was just a one-night-stand, so be it. If that's the case, he's not relationship material, and I had fun banging him. His loss anyway.

His loss? Seriously?

He managed to enjoy you to his fill during his first date with you and you are saying that it is his loss if he doesn't pursue you anymore?

Look at the situation in this manner: OP got what he desired without much effort on his behalf. Since you are so easy to have, it is unlikely that a man who is actually interested in having a committed relationship, will put you high on his list of potential suitors.

You think that you are a catch? You need to prove this with your actions and not silly behavior.

Please keep in mind that men also judge women. Men mainly classify women in to two categories:

1. Marriage-worthy

2. Fling-worthy

Their is no middle-ground.

So decide which category you want to fall in to.

Also, highly dignified women would not weigh themselves as cheap for being ONS material. Nope.

I think that you have been immensely hurt by your ex's behavior and you are now vulnerable and enjoy getting used.

Don't you have any fear of catching an STD? Why are you taking risks with your body?

You need to drop the bar-scene and do following:

1. Seek Individual Counseling (IC) to fix your self-esteem issues

2. Get involved in healthy social activities

3. Sue your ex for not protecting your privacy, if possible

4. Their are (safe) methods to control sexual urges without having sex; look in to them

Put your life back on a healthy track.

June 12, 2013

No. I don't THINK I am a good catch. I KNOW it. And I don't need a man to chase me to know it. So yeah, his loss, of course. I enjoyed the sex, too. What's the big deal?

June 12, 2013

OP got what he desired without much effort on his behalf. Since you are so easy to have, it is unlikely that a man who is actually interested in having a committed relationship, will put you high on his list of potential suitors.

Oh please. Not THOSE double standards again. So a guy is allowed to think of a woman as not relationship material because she enjoyed having sex just as much as he did, but he is supposed to be considered relationship material regardless of the fact that he wanted to have sex on his first date? He who judges should expect to be judged by the same standards. Why is a man's judgment so important? If a man is going to judge me because I opened my legs "too fast" and therefore am a "whore" rather than a "madonna", I do not want to be with him in the first place... Ever thought of that one? Apparently not. Apparently, standards are supposed to be set by men, eh? Dream on.

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