Asking a bartender out

June 11, 2013

Anyway, the guy called me 10 minutes ago. I did not pick up. He left a voice message, but I am not going to listen to it. I know what the voice mssg is going to say. Trying to get me to come over so that I can satisfy his late-night sexual desires. It's never about anything more than that.

Edited June 11, 2013 by NoMoreJerks

June 11, 2013

About the free drinks thing.

Bartenders can do that. They're the ones in charge of the drinks, so they can do whatever the hell they want.

Or at least, where I live. I've been given free drinks by a bartender the one time in my life that I went to a bar, but I think he thought I looked like hot stuff or something, and I saw him checking me out earlier.

You were giving him attention, he was liking it. A free drink, why not? If I were a bartender and a hottie walked up to me and started a chitchat, a free drink is nbd.

June 11, 2013

Are you for real, Ninjainpajamas? I don't need validation from anyone. I am an intelligent and well-educated person, good-looking, and have everything going for me. I don't do ONS because I need validation. I do it because I miss that sort of intimacy, and also have sexual urges that have gone unsatisfied during my 'relationship'/whateveryouwannacallit with my ex/whateveryouwannacallhim. As I stated, I really was not looking for a ONS when it happened. It just came to my feet, and I didn't say no because it sounded like a good idea. And I do not regret it. I felt a bit bad right after I did it, but that soon gave way to good feelings. And it made me feel more confident and appreciated, physically/sexually, something that my ex never showed me. I am not seeking validation -- I am reflecting confidence, and that is why, unlike in the past, men are coming over and wanting to sleep with me. No one wants to sleep with some weirdo non-confident woman, even if sleeping with her is all they want from her.

You are looking for validation if every guy and ONS you have been with are better than your ex. In some way, you are trying to convince yourself and us, that you are okay with ONS, but then why is ONS with one guy, Okay but the next, not? Having an ONS mentality doesn't mean comparing the behavior of individuals you meet at bars with your ex; it's more of an attitude of living in the moment. You don't have that. In fact, I find you kind of fake that you're trying to convince everyone that you are sexy and you can bang any guy you want. I'm sure you are beautiful and you can get any guy you want, so then why are settling for all these guys who are after only one thing? If you can truly spot a user, then why are you still hanging out with them? Just trying to hang out with them when you know they only want sex from you, screams validation.

Also, which is it- do you want a relationship or do you want an ONS? Because the way you are trying to analyze this new guy tells me you want something more from him, but if as you'd predicted, he's only after a booty call, why are you still over-analyzing and getting frustrated over his behavior?

Maybe you should reread Ninjainpajamas' post. I don't know why you feel the need to go on the defensive when all he has pointed out is how inconsistent you are in your wants and how you should just take a step back to understand yourself a little better. If he had used certain adjectives that rubbed you the wrong way, then maybe you should try to figure out instead of jumping on the defensive.

I'm sure you are a smart, intelligent and beautiful woman, but so far, from every posts of yours I read, the only vibe I'm getting from is your need of entitlement from these strangers you only chatted up for a few hours.

June 11, 2013

@NoMoreJerks- Ok so you said you'd be totally cool with an ONS, now a guy wanting to have an ONS calls you up and you get your panties in a wad and act all self-righteous. Am I the only one confused? Make up your mind!

June 11, 2013

@NoMoreJerks- Ok so you said you'd be totally cool with an ONS, now a guy wanting to have an ONS calls you up and you get your panties in a wad and act all self-righteous. Am I the only one confused? Make up your mind!

I said I don't mind ONS, and no, I do not always seek it. There is a difference between being OK with it and doing it every now and then, on the one hand, and wanting it and doing it all the time on the other hand. I don't want a ONS with this guy, because I wanted more than that from him. I don't do ONS with people I had higher expectations from. I only do ONS with people I never expected more than a ONS with.

June 11, 2013

I'm sure you are beautiful and you can get any guy you want, so then why are settling for all these guys who are after only one thing?

Last I checked, I am not settling for anything. I am just having ONS with them. As for why I am having a ONS with these guys, and not a relationship with decent guys, you mean there are decent guys out there? Very few men in this day and age want a relationship. The cheating rate is so high, even when men do have relationships. I have a few friends who tell me about their friends and how they were cheated on by their bfs and husbands. Thanks but no thanks.

June 11, 2013

Last I checked, I am not settling for anything. I am just having ONS with them. As for why I am having a ONS with these guys, and not a relationship with decent guys, you mean there are decent guys out there? Very few men in this day and age want a relationship. The cheating rate is so high, even when men do have relationships. I have a few friends who tell me about their friends and how they were cheated on by their bfs and husbands. Thanks but no thanks.

Gee, I wonder who these women they are cheating with are...oh wait, half the time the same women who cheat with these men but don't expect to be cheated on themselves, they deserve a "good loyal man" because he's relationship material now and when you're cheating with a man who is cheating it's "his responsibility" and you have nothing to do with it, but when you're the woman naturally it's a big problem...not saying you think that way or not, and not all women take a part in the other side of cheating either, but I've seen many women engage in this behavior and were ok with it until it happened to them, then they cry out bloody murder as a "victim".

It's ironic to me how often when people are doing something wrong it's ok by their own account as long as they aren't getting hurt themselves, but as soon as it impacts them in some way now it's a problem and expect the world to open it's arms in sympathy...why me! why me! she'll cry.

But never mind, all is excused in the eyes of many women as long as she can rationalize her own behavior using some twisted, biased self-absorbed and self-loathing emotional philosophy that contradicts all reason or sanity, let alone consideration for someone else other than themselves and their own "feelings".

I have a hard time feeling sorry for the executioner who's crying his eyes out now when their time comes to have their head on the chopping block...unfortunately that's the "norm" since people are allowed to be such spineless and selfish beings, and not think of the repercussions their actions have an affect on somebody else...that simple thought and realization alone would explode people's minds...its' quite sad.

June 11, 2013

But never mind, all is excused in the eyes of many women as long as she can rationalize her own behavior using some twisted, biased self-absorbed and self-loathing emotional philosophy that contradicts all reason or sanity, let alone consideration for someone else other than themselves and their own "feelings".

I haven't seen one woman in this thread agree with her actions. I also haven't seen anyone else say, "I cheated, but that was different."

June 11, 2013

I said I don't mind ONS, and no, I do not always seek it. There is a difference between being OK with it and doing it every now and then, on the one hand, and wanting it and doing it all the time on the other hand. I don't want a ONS with this guy, because I wanted more than that from him. I don't do ONS with people I had higher expectations from. I only do ONS with people I never expected more than a ONS with.

But … so far, you've had ONE ONS in your life, and it was like the day before yesterday … right?

How can you have an entire theory around it and analyze so much? There is nothing to analyze. You want to have sex with some guy, see if he wants to have sex with you. If he does, go get 'er done. If he doesn't, there are more drunk guys in that bar you could hit up.

Just for the record, NIP or whomever wrote this is correct - you will NOT get "more" than a ONS with any guy if you're trolling bars with this mind set. You are projecting that you're generally available for easy sex, and the guys you meet are only going so far as to decide whether they're interested in that or not. Fiscal conservatism debates make NO difference.

I don't see this experiment going well for you. You've only had sex with 2 guys, right? And if you're honest with yourself, you'd probably like to have a stable and loving relationship in your life sometime in the future? Can you not try to heal and find some kind of balance before completely debasing yourself out of hurt and spite?

If you were coming from a healthy place, sure. One night stands galore. But you are not healthy and you seem to be abusing yourself.

June 11, 2013

I just checked my voice mail, and he was just asking if I wanted to go out for dinner tomorrow evening, and to let him know. I guess I'll go and see what this is all about.

June 11, 2013

Gee, I wonder who these women they are cheating with are...oh wait, half the time the same women who cheat with these men but don't expect to be cheated on themselves, they deserve a "good loyal man" because he's relationship material now and when you're cheating with a man who is cheating it's "his responsibility" and you have nothing to do with it, but when you're the woman naturally it's a big problem...not saying you think that way or not, and not all women take a part in the other side of cheating either, but I've seen many women engage in this behavior and were ok with it until it happened to them, then they cry out bloody murder as a "victim".

Except that a lot of women who have that sort of mentality have never been cheated on themselves. So yes, they do deserve to be cheated on, if they are doing it for no good reason. Anyway, I have no expectations at this point, that I won't be cheated on. I expected not to be cheated on, when I got into my first ever relationship (with the guy who cheated on me), and back then, I would NEVER have contemplated cheating on him, with a married OR an unmarried man. Even when we had one of many of our "break-ups", I couldn't contemplate the idea of going out (not even having sex) with another man, because in my head, that STILL felt like cheating... even though HE had dumped me. Anyway, I blame him more than I blame the woman, but yes, I do hate the woman he cheated on me with. I don't expect this ONS guy's wife not to hate me. She has every right to hate me. It doesn't mean I did the wrong thing, though. "Wrong" is very relative in this case. Wrong for whom? Not for myself. I did what I had to do, to feel better. Being nice never got me anywhere, not even any sexual satisfaction. I was just treated like a sexual object by my ex, and not one he was necessarily attracted to. I was just a hole he could f*ck, and not even very often. I was just a blowjob machine. But now? At least I can demand that my sexual needs be satisfied. In a relationship, when the guy knows you want a relationship and not just sex, you sort of lose the upper hand. Now, I never thought of relationships as a struggle as to who gains the upper hand, but a lot of guys who get into these sorts of pseudo-relationships in order to keep getting sex, engage in this sort of dynamics. I don't want that, or a pseudo-relationship. Yes, I've only done a ONS once so far, but I'm more than willing and happy to do more. It doesn't bother me in the least. I enjoyed it a lot. It was also a way for me to prove to myself that I don't have to get attached to someone just because I had sex with him, which is a problem I had with my ex.

June 11, 2013

I said I was up for dinner, and left the ball in his court to decide on when and where, because men are supposed to lead/ be more assertive?? He got back to me by saying he finishes work at 5:30, and that "if you'd like to pick a time and a place that works for you, i'd be happy to meet you."

Happy to meet me? That sounds so... um.. non-chalant.

June 11, 2013

I said I was up for dinner, and left the ball in his court to decide on when and where, because men are supposed to lead/ be more assertive?? He got back to me by saying he finishes work at 5:30, and that "if you'd like to pick a time and a place that works for you, i'd be happy to meet you."

Happy to meet me? That sounds so... um.. non-chalant.

Blech. That is truly one of my biggest pet peeves in dating -- guys who are like "Oh, pick a time and a place and I'll be there." Just so unimpressive. Did he say he was in a hotel? Is he from out of town...because then that might, might excuse his asking you to pick a place. But I don't know...at this point I would not be impressed. At most, I think you should reply and tell him what time you are available (unless you already told him). Then leave the ball to him to find a place.

(I'm so happy you are no longer with your ex!)

June 11, 2013

Blech. That is truly one of my biggest pet peeves in dating -- guys who are like "Oh, pick a time and a place and I'll be there." Just so unimpressive. Did he say he was in a hotel? Is he from out of town...because then that might, might excuse his asking you to pick a place. But I don't know...at this point I would not be impressed. At most, I think you should reply and tell him what time you are available (unless you already told him). Then leave the ball to him to find a place.

(I'm so happy you are no longer with your ex!)

Yes, actually, he IS from out of town, so he is staying in a hotel, but he comes here often, so he knows a few places. It's not like he can't just pick one and make the suggestion.. I was sort of willing to gloss over the fact that he made me choose, but that "I'll be happy to meet you" just made it look like he didn't care either way and he was doing me some sort of a favour by just being there and giving the impression that I was chasing after him.. Which I wasn't. He called me last night at 10pm, and I didn't pick up the phone, so he left a voice mssg and asked me to text him if I wanted to go out to dinner tonight.. I texted him at 11am this morning. Maybe he thought he had come off as a bit desperate, since I also did not reply to his booty-call-sounding text last night? I don't know. I have had men do this to me so often, though. A guy once texted me to set up a date, and he's like ,you pick the time and place. I did, and a few hours later, he cancelled on me.

June 11, 2013

Blech. That is truly one of my biggest pet peeves in dating -- guys who are like "Oh, pick a time and a place and I'll be there." Just so unimpressive. Did he say he was in a hotel? Is he from out of town...because then that might, might excuse his asking you to pick a place. But I don't know...at this point I would not be impressed. At most, I think you should reply and tell him what time you are available (unless you already told him). Then leave the ball to him to find a place.

(I'm so happy you are no longer with your ex!)

I actually said I was up for dinner, and did not say what time I was available. I just said, let me know what time you want to go, etc.. I expected that he'd get back to me with the time and place. Bleh.

I think I'll just flake out and ignore his text. :S His "I'd be happy to meet you" made me nervous.

June 11, 2013

I actually said I was up for dinner, and did not say what time I was available. I just said, let me know what time you want to go, etc.. I expected that he'd get back to me with the time and place. Bleh.

I think I'll just flake out and ignore his text. :S His "I'd be happy to meet you" made me nervous.

I think you need to read Ninja's posts, every single one of them, over and over again.

June 11, 2013

You can go for it but it probably won't lead anywhere.

I've had two male bartenders try to pick me up. One I actually dated for 2-3 months before he decided he didn't want anything serious. The other one just talks to me now and wants to screw me but I told him I'm not interested.

Not to be stereotypical, but I even have guy friends who are bartenders and they want nothing to do with serious relationships. I know another bartender who has a gf of 3 years and flirts with every girl he tends for... I would personally hate that. It's probably a waste of your time.

June 11, 2013

Discussing the thread starters username in the context that it is being used is off topic and rude, move on from that

June 11, 2013

Late to this thread but after reading it my head is spinning. OP, never mind the assessment of your emotional state - ninjainpajamas nailed it and in probably too much detail. Just at a basic level of reading and interpreting facts, most of the stuff you wrote has me scratching my head. There are so many contradictions in what you say, it makes me question what is and isn't real...

Now, I do not know how bar etiquette works, and this is the first time ever I buy a bartender a drink... so I don't know if this is routine for them or if there was more to it than that... Maybe some bars have an allotted quota for employees to give out free drinks... if it doesn't, then I guess the bartender would have to pay out of pocket? If the latter, he must've liked me a lot. But anyway, I can't tell what the pub's policy is, but given that I've never seen a bartender give out free drinks for a patron, I am assuming it is NOT bar policy to allow bartenders to offer free drinks, at least at this pub.. In fact, I have never seen this happen at any of the other bars in my town that I've been to..

Not sure what town you are in. Is it really in Canada or North America for that matter? I've NEVER spent an evening at a bar and NOT seen drinks getting comped. I can't tell you how many times I've heard a bartender say "This one's on me..." I know I did it EVERY night when I bartended back in the day... I have been heavily involved with both sides of the bar scene - a patron and regular through my band and also the management and ownership side. With the exception of VERY tiny mom and pop establishments, every bar I've seen (across many states and several countries) keep "comp tabs" for bartenders to comp food and drink for a variety of reasons - accidents/spills, patron rejects order, kindness... Once they exceed that amount, it is automatically deducted from their tips. These days in the US, even dive bars use elaborate point of sale (PoS) systems like Aloha in combination with web cams to track every plate, drink, order station, and register. Before technology enabled management and owners to track every little action, the #1 reason popular bars and restaurants failed was because of shrinkage, excessive comped tabs, and skimming off the top. Some bartenders and managers basically get fired because too many of their buddies frequent a place and invent ways to cheat ownership every way imaginable...

From what you've described, I read nothing to suggest he was being anything more than friendly as any good bartender would...

I've been to enough pubs on a daily basis for the past 5 years to know what goes on in pubs in my city. Ditto for restaurants. I used to frequent this one pub (not the same pub this bartender works at) for a year, on an almost daily basis...

Almost daily for a year - what does mean? 100, 200 times that year? How could you not know how bar etiquette works???

it's incredibly hard to meet people, for relationships or even for one night stands. I sat in a bar for a year on a daily basis, for hours, and no one even bothered talking to me. That's how dry and unfriendly pubs are here.

I am VERY good looking.

Again - seriously, is this bar in Antarctica? I've only been an "insider" at bars in the US. But I've been to bars in Canada (Vancouver, Montreal, Toronto) and all over the world (Latin America, Europe, Asia). If there is one truism, it's that men descend on "VERY good looking" women like flies on $h!t. Most places it takes less than 60 seconds if they walk in alone. Often they don't even care if you are with a guy. I remember an almost comical moment a few weeks ago at a bar with my GF. It was not crowded - basically a sausage fest with about a dozen guys and maybe one other girl there with her BF. When I went to the bathroom, 6 guys literally swarmed around her. She said she was so relieved when I returned because it was like I tossed a hand grenade when I walked back as they all scattered. It was so blatant it was really funny.

So your account of your bar experience is again - incomprehensible to me...

At the end of the night, the married guy and I decided to go back together. I haven't gone, and never will go, back with someone without engaging in conversation for a few hours, to see what they're all about and if they are a creep, etc.

And I didn't really know what else to say anyway... It's hard for me to keep small talk going.

Actually, if the bartender has categorized me, he knows that I am a highly educated, smart person who always has debates in the bar, and is there for good conversation and company and not necessarily anything else. In fact, yesterday, while I was talking to that other guy, the bartender was listening in on our conversation and also shared some funny experiences he had had....

Again all over the place. You can spend hours talking to random guys to suss out if they are creeps, but you shied away from Mr. Bartender because you don't know how to keep small talk going? You then avoid him because you don't know what to say next. Yet, if he were to categorize you it would be one who always has debates in the bar, and "good conversation and company and not necessarily anything else. You shared some funny experiences he had..."

If that isn't the definition of small talk, then I don't know what is...

I actually had a great night at the bar. This guy from the U.S started talking to me, and he seemed like a very intelligent and nice guy. We talked for 3 hours about random stuff, and it was never boring or awkward. We seemed to really click. Then some other guy started talking to us, so we couldn't really talk privately about ourselves, etc. And he had to leave early. But when leaving, he handed me a piece of paper (lol, he had written on the back of the bar bill )... It had his email and phone number on it. Man , this is such a huge ego boost... And I love the way he did it... :love::love: :o I'm going to call or text him tomorrow. (oh, and he settled my bill at the bar, without even telling me).

"3 hours random stuff" - so again, small talk. At least I found some consistency here: If indeed this bar is in Antarctica, it makes sense that it was a guy from the US that started talking to you and gave you his digits. Because here in the US, and every other developed country, single men hit on very good looking women who are alone in bars ALL THE TIME. And finally I must say your giddy reaction makes it seem as if you aren't very experienced in the bar scene. Another thread responder mentioned you only had one sexual partners and one ONS? IS THIS TRUE??? And you're already concluding ONS's are a lifestyle you're comfortable with??? Sorry but this whole thread wreaks of extreme naivety and serious potential for long term emotional damage as you stumble blindly through this period of self discovery. I mean this sincerely when I say it - PLEASE BE CAREFUL!!! You're playing with fire when you clearly don't get how this all works...

One other comment about bartenders - no they aren't all jerks but MANY of them are. It's widely known that if you are even average to good looking, that being a bartender is one of the BEST jobs in the world for getting laid. Not only that, it's a chronic problem from the ownership perspective that most bars are like orgies among the staff (if they are in their 20's and 30's). It's only a matter of time before at least half the waitresses have slept with about half the bartenders and vice versa. Then guess who are the most likely tandems to start skimming off the top. It's always easier to steal when you've got a partner in crime...

June 11, 2013

^ your entire post is highly repetitive and rests largely on your claim that the bar scene EVERYWHERE is the same. I live in Canada, and I go to bars in the downtown area of the city I live in, and I have never, not once, seen a bartender buy anyone drinks... I've seen them being bought drinks.. Maybe it's the fact that these are bars downtown, and so they serve a very varied and non-regular customer base, and so do not have that policy or do not have that many regulars. But even bars that I've seen regulars at, do not offer free drinks. It's just the way it is here. Also, unless you stay very late when everyone is tipsy or highly drunk, you won't have anyone talk to you. 95% of the bars I've been to here, the bartender constantly wore a frown, and was highly unfriendly. I've even been to bars where the bartenders and the waitresses stood there and whispered about me sitting on my own. It's a very group-oriented bar scene, actually. And bars have a tiny "bar", and mostly just tables for groups of people... there are usually only half a dozen seats at the bar, if that... a lot of the time, people who do not come alone also sit at the bar, which makes it impossible to talk to anyone because they're just there to catch up with one another, and not to socialize with others. I can imagine that bar scenes vary from one country to another. I would not claim that the bar scene in England or Ireland are the same as those in Canada. The same goes for different cities in Canada. I've lived in other cities in Canada, and the bar scene there was quite different to the one in my city as well. So there are lots of variations.

So yes, I used to go to pubs almost daily -- most of the time with friends after class, but a lot of the time also by myself (especially in the summer when a lot of my friends traveled, etc.). I know how bar etiquette works. I've just never seen free drinks being offered in bars in my city, that is all.

Again - seriously, is this bar in Antarctica? I've only been an "insider" at bars in the US. But I've been to bars in Canada (Vancouver, Montreal, Toronto) and all over the world (Latin America, Europe, Asia). If there is one truism, it's that men descend on "VERY good looking" women like flies on $h!t.

If you stay late enough, sure, they do. If you go at 7pm, no one talks to you. I usually go early and tend to leave before the sh*t hits the fan (i.e. everyone gets drunk). It's rare for me to stay out beyond 10pm. But even when I've gone out a bit later than that, I've rarely been approached until recently. I've had a few men try to pick me up (one of them tried to get me to join him and his friend at their table, when I was broken up with my ex, but I felt too guilty to join them, because in my mind, that would've been equivalent to cheating on my ex), but I mostly rebuffed their attempts. I've had a few creeps try to pick me up/ talk to me, but ignored them or just left after they kept bothering me. But the number of times I've been hit on in bars, is tiny, compared to the number of times I've been to bars...

Most places it takes less than 60 seconds if they walk in alone. Often they don't even care if you are with a guy.

You've got to be kidding me.. That would NEVER happen in pubs and bars in my city. It would probably happen in clubs, sure. Also, I used to go to pubs with my ex, and we'd sit there on our own (at the bar) all night long, and no one would talk to us, even though we'd make an effort at small talk with people next to us, etc.

When I went to the bathroom, 6 guys literally swarmed around her. She said she was so relieved when I returned because it was like I tossed a hand grenade when I walked back as they all scattered. It was so blatant it was really funny.

Yes, I can totally relate to that. It happened to me once, when my ex went out for a smoke, and it took him 30 minutes to get back, because he claims he got talking with a homeless person outside (I doubt that story was true, I think he was talking to girls outside -- he also claimed he had given the guy $20, but I doubt that's also true, I think he may have bought the girl drinks). Anyway, long story short, a bunch of guys swarmed around me when he was gone. It was SO uncomfortable. They left when he got back. I was so mad at him, though. But that was a one-off, and it was at midnight, and everyone was piss drunk. And usually, a taken girl is more attractive to men, I guess.

Again all over the place. You can spend hours talking to random guys to suss out if they are creeps, but you shied away from Mr. Bartender because you don't know how to keep small talk going?You then avoid him because you don't know what to say next.

Um, what? I did not shy away from the bartender -- he was busy that night I bought him drinks, so couldn't get much of a chance to talk to him. And I didn't try after he turned down my second offer to buy him drinks. Another night, I tried being friendly and smiling and talking, but he sort of backed away and it felt like he was avoiding me, so I did not push it. It was not because I "shied" away. I just didn't like the vibe I was getting, so I dropped it. I did not avoid him. I was sitting at HIS bar. This is a three-story pub, and I could've sat at other bars, but that is my favourite "level" in the pub, and there are more people there than upstairs..

Because here in the US, and every other developed country, single men hit on very good looking women who are alone in bars ALL THE TIME.

Yes, well... the guy I had a ONS with, AND the guy who gave me his number, were both from the U.S. That says a lot. The guys who have always talked to me, have mostly been foreigners, actually. I've had Englishmen (my ex), Northern Irishmen, Americans, etc., hit on me and try to pick me up. But no Canadians. Well, except for that one guy who wanted me to join his and his friend's table, and a few older creeps, and that swarm of drunk men.

Sorry but this whole thread wreaks of extreme naivety and serious potential for long term emotional damage as you stumble blindly through this period of self discovery. I mean this sincerely when I say it - PLEASE BE CAREFUL!!! You're playing with fire when you clearly don't get how this all works...

How do you mean? How is there the potential for long-term emotional damage? I had zero emotional attachment to the person I had a ONS with. I liked the idea of sex with no expectations, commitment, etc. I would not be able to do a FWB, but I can do ONS without any problems. Edited June 11, 2013 by NoMoreJerks

June 11, 2013

Well, I think you should go for it, but he might have a GF or FWB on the side, since most confident attractive men have girlfriends, so be prepared if he says he is seeing someone. You can become a regular customer, and become friends with the guy, and slowly get to know him at work. If you want to "date him outside of work" then you can just ask him what kinds of things does he do "when he is not working" and join him on whatever thing he does; or if you are having a BBQ party or your friend's are having a party, then just invite him to come hang out with you outside of work. Ask him for his phone number of friend him on facebook.

June 11, 2013

I actually said I was up for dinner, and did not say what time I was available. I just said, let me know what time you want to go, etc.. I expected that he'd get back to me with the time and place. Bleh.

I think I'll just flake out and ignore his text. :S His "I'd be happy to meet you" made me nervous.

I honestly think you are too neurotic and over-analyzing things. No one likes to get hurt or be used and emotionally fragile. Just go for it and try to spend as much time with the guy until you get sick of each other. Just try to "have fun and relax."

But if you just want guys that don't want booty calls, then there are plenty of no-nonsense engineer types that want to date any girl that talks to them. Join a dating site, and date nerdy looking guys that work with computers.

June 11, 2013

I live in Canada, and I go to bars in the downtown area of the city I live in, and I have never, not once, seen a bartender buy anyone drinks... But even bars that I've seen regulars at, do not offer free drinks. It's just the way it is here. Also, unless you stay very late when everyone is tipsy or highly drunk, you won't have anyone talk to you. 95% of the bars I've been to here, the bartender constantly wore a frown, and was highly unfriendly. I've even been to bars where the bartenders and the waitresses stood there and whispered about me sitting on my own.

Sounds like a blast.

...impossible to talk to anyone because they're just there to catch up with one another, and not to socialize with others.

Awesome.

Also, I used to go to pubs with my ex, and we'd sit there on our own (at the bar) all night long, and no one would talk to us, even though we'd make an effort at small talk with people next to us, etc.

Even better.

Yes, well... the guy I had a ONS with, AND the guy who gave me his number, were both from the U.S. That says a lot. The guys who have always talked to me, have mostly been foreigners, actually. I've had Englishmen (my ex), Northern Irishmen, Americans, etc., hit on me and try to pick me up. But no Canadians. Well, except for that one guy who wanted me to join his and his friend's table, and a few older creeps, and that swarm of drunk men.

I retract my previous advice and have a new recommendation...

MOVE.

June 11, 2013

I am going out on a date tonight. I gave him a few options, and said I was flexible, so we can either go to one of those places, or if he had any other place in mind, we could go there. He said, pick one of those places, maybe the closest to your place, since it's been pouring today... So I picked the place and let him know. We're on in 20 minutes.

June 12, 2013

I am going out on a date tonight. I gave him a few options, and said I was flexible, so we can either go to one of those places, or if he had any other place in mind, we could go there. He said, pick one of those places, maybe the closest to your place, since it's been pouring today... So I picked the place and let him know. We're on in 20 minutes.

I hope you have a good time, but … I confess that I'm completely confused by your posts here, which have been profoundly inconsistent and outright contradictory. So I'm mixed up … but is this date with the one guy you said you would NOT have an ONS with because you believe there's potential for "something more"?

If it is, please, reconsider. The last thing you need to do is to believe you're getting into "something more" with a traveling business man you met in a bar whose home base in your city is a hotel. Remember where this got you last time …

I'm worried.

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