GG3 Posted June 9, 2013 Posted June 9, 2013 (edited) I have an ex that I dated last year who started blowing cold after 6 months. He felt "unsure." I broke up with him. I do regret not pushing him to communicate things better, but at the time felt there was nothing i could do and that he wanted me to dump him. He later told me that he was depressed for 3 months after we broke up. Very depressed. All the while, he kept pushing to be friends and I kept saying no. Here it is almost a year later and the push for friends continued. I finally gave in. After a couple of months of casual contact, he started flirting with me a LOT. Everyday for a month. He asked if I was seeing anyone and was reminiscing over our times together. I laughed and engaged with it, but never said, "Hey come on over" or "let's meet up." He seems to be the type to drop hints, so I wondered if that is what he wanted. So after about a month, he seemed to back off. I do not know if he backed off because he wanted more of a response or if it really was innocent flirting. He then put a personal ad up online. (He doesn't know I know this.) I kind of felt toyed with, so I cut back on talking. He noticed and tried to start up the flirting. I nicely and jokingly put it that you shouldn't flirt and tease and get people excited if you aren't really interested. The conversation became more serious. I called him later that evening to talk. He said he was sorry and he knew he was a flirt. Without my asking, he said "I'm not going to say never but I'm open to dating again...but I'm not jumping into anything. We can hang out as friends and maybe date later on. I hate to say it...but I've been dating the last couple of months." I said, "You've been dating?" He said, "Yeah, nothing serious." I said, "well I hope you didn't flirt with exes like that when you dated me." He seemed taken back by that and said No. I didn't show it in the phone call, but this made me mad. I felt like it was a trick. I never asked him to start dating me again either. Of course I had been receptive to the flirting so I'm sure he figured I must be open to it, but I hadn't been calling him up and asking him out or to get back together. I feel like this may have been a trick and I do have ex that used to do things like this. Anyone else ever had this happen? I'm not sure what I'm going to do, going to wait a week before I say anything. Part of me has thought of saying, "You know I thought about it...and I think you should continue your dating and we can be friends." I WAS interested...but now I'm too mad I think. I know how those online dating websites go. Women get a ton more responses and men really have to work at it to get a response, let alone a date. So in three weeks time this guy actually met anyone on the dating site and hit it off? I'm thinking unlikely. And if he was seeing someone not from online, I can't see him deciding to THEN put up an ad online. So I'm thinking if he is seeing anyone, it's been a couple of coffee dates. The fact that he felt the need to put that in my face is weird to me. Edited June 9, 2013 by GG3
inaya42 Posted June 10, 2013 Posted June 10, 2013 he sounds like a classic confirmed bachelor or, in more colloquial terms, a player. he has found a way to have his emotional, ego, and sexual needs met by women (multiple if necessary) without giving much of himself, time, or resources to them at all. and he likes you. he is charmed and challenged by you. but he also knows that to be with you would likely require exclusivity and emotional investment. and he likely knows that you want him -- he flirts both to see if you are still available to him and to keep you available to him. and he keeps the connection going with you to make sure that you will be there if he decides to have a relationship. if this man is over 25, i think you should leave him alone -- or enjoy him for a fling if he's good in bed... good luck. 1
Author GG3 Posted June 10, 2013 Author Posted June 10, 2013 he sounds like a classic confirmed bachelor or, in more colloquial terms, a player. he has found a way to have his emotional, ego, and sexual needs met by women (multiple if necessary) without giving much of himself, time, or resources to them at all. and he likes you. he is charmed and challenged by you. but he also knows that to be with you would likely require exclusivity and emotional investment. and he likely knows that you want him -- he flirts both to see if you are still available to him and to keep you available to him. and he keeps the connection going with you to make sure that you will be there if he decides to have a relationship. if this man is over 25, i think you should leave him alone -- or enjoy him for a fling if he's good in bed... good luck. Can you believe 42? Ugh. He wants to get married very badly. I think he really believes that about himself.
eleve82 Posted June 10, 2013 Posted June 10, 2013 It looks like you want to date someone who is more pro-active than your ex appears to be (and who doesn't? my last ex didn't go beyond emails, facebook or text messages to ask me out. It was lame, and this attitude was manifest in his "I don't know" response to almost everything.) It is worse when their lack of any commitment to pursue things can be observed in other parts of their lives. Nothing you do is really going to be able to change that fundamental attitude (unless they want to), so unless you are prepared to go back and be the "pursuer" in the relationship, you may find that you won't be very happy with dating your ex again.
Author GG3 Posted June 10, 2013 Author Posted June 10, 2013 It looks like you want to date someone who is more pro-active than your ex appears to be (and who doesn't? my last ex didn't go beyond emails, facebook or text messages to ask me out. It was lame, and this attitude was manifest in his "I don't know" response to almost everything.) It is worse when their lack of any commitment to pursue things can be observed in other parts of their lives. Nothing you do is really going to be able to change that fundamental attitude (unless they want to), so unless you are prepared to go back and be the "pursuer" in the relationship, you may find that you won't be very happy with dating your ex again. It's funny you say that about the "I don't know" attitude. That was all over the place and including in what movie to watch or activity to do. The man can't seem to decide things and over analyzes. And yes the lack of proactiveness is annoying. I've dated men that have no problems booking a date. Going to dinner doesn't mean we're getting married or means we are in a major relationship so I find it so annoying that someone has anxiety from even doing that.
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