I seem to attract a certain kind of woman...

[Mrlonelyone]

I seem to attract a certain kind of woman these days. They are of a certain ethnicity, white but relatively recent immigrants compared to my family. They come from a background of what could be called "old world values" but they wish to somewhat rebel against those values. They seem to see me in those terms but not as really fully a person.

 

But, and this is a hint and the problem, while they may be ready to fool around with Othello they would not be ready to make Desdemona's speech* in Act I regarding him. Indeed they seem ready to cheat on some poor schlub with me nothing more. (Not so much in the latest case everything is/was casual anyway). I do not envy the men who's women this old black ram has tupped but to have the public respect as a SO of a woman is something I've never really known. I've only known the private disrespect they heap upon those they claim to love. The most detrimental case was a teacher in high school. She was very married about 25-26 years old, and at school she was for all practical high school purposes my girlfriend....yet I was a secret. Only in hindsight can I tell how much that really did hurt me.

 

That I seem to attract such women is something I cannot deny.

 

Today I have a date off an online dating website. Of all the women of all the kinds of women I wrote this is who responds. A woman in many ways like M is who responds (Who while saying they want me to stay away stakes out places she knows I'll be at times that she has no reason to be there).

 

Maybe I just shouldn't be dating? Right now all I want is for a woman to want me and not feel it an act of some kind of rebellion or a strange thing. I'm gonna go on this date and see if I even like this new woman. If she ends up reminding me as much in person as I have come to realize her profile does then why shouldn't I take it as a red flag?

 

 

If I have questions they are this.

 

Do other men find that they attract certain kinds of women more than others?

 

Has anyone else ever come to take that type which approaches them most as being a red flag after enough bad experiences?

 

 

*No Fear Shakespeare: Othello: Act 1, Scene 3, Page 8 I could cast all of Othello based on my last six months with M.

Edited June 9, 2013 by Mrlonelyone

[Mrlonelyone]

I could really use a pep talk here people. Or perhaps someone to tell me I am right or wrong to be leery of dating women whose background here in the states doesn't reach back to, say, at least before the civil war? Perhaps the cultural differences are just too great, not unlike the early settlers who first met the Indians.

[El Brujo]

I seem to attract a certain kind of woman... the ones who look like fat teenage boys and have the manners of barbarians.

[ScreamingTrees]

Honestly, are you expecting a positive response when you're basically admitting that you're willingly engaging in infidelity multiple times? I wouldn't settle for such a scenario if it were to present itself, not only due to my own dating/romantic standards, but because I also have moral standards. Perhaps one with great self-control is a rare breed indeed.

 

So, what? Should we be expected to feel sorry for you? I thought you were an alright guy, but, c'mon, man. You believe that it's wrong that they've betrayed the trust and love of their men, but still you engage these women willingly?

 

You're clearly just as wrong as they are, it's not as if the mind behind the screen typing out pseudo-poetic musings is separate and floating outside of the vessel pounding away at the keys.. You're not that vessel's adviser, exempt from it's wrong-doings.. You are the vessel just as much as the mind it encases. You're not watching some sort of soap opera where you sympathize and identify with the lead good-bad guy.. You're a part of it, you already know how things have gone, how they're going, and more than likely how things will end.

 

I hope you've already realized all of this, it may allow you to grow and mature and potentially become more of the (dare I say) man that you'd like to be, the one that may command a woman's respect to the point where she might see herself with you. One that can be trusted to cherish and truly appreciate a more thoughtful, intense, passionate connection.

 

You're not acting as if you are that aware, and never having been in a "proper" relationship should be no excuse.

 

Needless to say, if you were looking for support, or even *sympathy*, I'd say that the most you should've really expected would be tough love, and/or disappointment.

[xxoo]

I could really use a pep talk here people. Or perhaps someone to tell me I am right or wrong to be leery of dating women whose background here in the states doesn't reach back to, say, at least before the civil war?

 

Before the civil war??? I highly doubt that all women from families who've immigrated to the US in the last 150 years have much in common regarding values. That's an incredibly diverse group. Are you serious about this point?

 

You are unconventional. IMO, you should date unconventional. Date someone who sees you as a peer, not a novelty. This has less to do with number of generations in the States, and more to do with the person's identity.

 

Have you ever dated someone who had openly dated a GLBT person before? Someone who identifies as GLBT?

[Mrlonelyone]

Before the civil war??? I highly doubt that all women from families who've immigrated to the US in the last 150 years have much in common regarding values. That's an incredibly diverse group. Are you serious about this point?

 

Perhaps I wasn't clear. I meant at least as far back as the civil war...to mean... before the civil war. My own family was all here by 1750, not counting the Indians the earliest go back to 1607 and include the first recorded English American baby born in Jamestown, and some of the first Africans brought to English America. Soldiers red black and white who fought in the continental army, for the red white and blue, are my ancestors.

There are heritage clubs for people like us i.e. sons of the American Revolution.SO, I am not the first to think this.

 

You are unconventional. IMO, you should date unconventional. Date someone who sees you as a peer, not a novelty. This has less to do with number of generations in the States, and more to do with the person's identity.

 

Have you ever dated someone who had openly dated a GLBT person before? Someone who identifies as GLBT?

 

The date I just went on was with a bisexual woman.

 

However like most Bi people most of those we date aren't bi. Straight and gay people alike hold stereotypes about us.

 

 

@ Screaming trees, the only married woman was a teacher and I was 15-16 years old. Their sexually abusing me by statutory rape isn't my infidelity. As for sleeping with someone's girlfriend, by cannon law, halacha and Shari they are fornicating anyway....so why not me?

 

This all misses my point anyway.

 

My current issue is that this new woman, who's name also begins with an M....is a great deal like the M I have written about here so much it makes me think twice about dating her.

Edited June 10, 2013 by Mrlonelyone

[LOSTnMT]

I didnt want to have to point this out to you but the civil war 152 years ago.

 

The relevance it has on your life NOW or in the future is the closest thing science has ever came to absolute zero.

[ScreamingTrees]

Perhaps I wasn't clear. I meant at least as far back as the civil war...to mean... before the civil war. My own family was all here by 1750, not counting the Indians the earliest go back to 1607 and include the first recorded English American baby born in Jamestown, and some of the first Africans brought to English America. Soldiers red black and white who fought in the continental army, for the red white and blue, are my ancestors.

There are heritage clubs for people like us i.e. sons of the American Revolution.SO, I am not the first to think this.

 

 

 

The date I just went on was with a bisexual woman.

 

However like most Bi people most of those we date aren't bi. Straight and gay people alike hold stereotypes about us.

 

 

@ Screaming trees, the only married woman was a teacher and I was 15-16 years old. Their sexually abusing me by statutory rape isn't my infidelity. As for sleeping with someone's girlfriend, by cannon law, halacha and Shari they are fornicating anyway....so why not me?

 

This all misses my point anyway.

 

My current issue is that this new woman, who's name also begins with an M....is a great deal like the M I have written about here so much it makes me think twice about dating her.

 

Well, I guess you weren't clear enough. Why not you? I guess if you're willing to stoop to their level, but what does that say about you and your true character, deep down? A whole lot, if you ask me. I don't care who anyone is, it takes two to tango.

 

You didn't really clarify on any of that additional information, either. You basically phrased it as if to say that you were a part of it, that you willingly had sex with this person, and they kept you as their dirty little secret.. Well, if they were mentally f***ed and sexually abused their student, yeah, of course they're going to be hush hush about it..

 

I have no idea what you're talking about with the cannon law comment, or the terms/names halacha and shari.. No idea what relevance or significance any of that bears, and I'm not sure if anyone else on this forum would know either. Maybe Google will inform...

 

EDIT: OK.. So, as I suspected, it's religious. I'm disappointed in the fact that you practice what I consider to be a kin to occultism, but I'm more so disappointed in the fact that you're using it as a security blanket to shift the blame away from yourself..

 

I'm not talking about someone molesting you, that's a terrible situation and I truly sympathize with you, but.. I'm talking about your train of thought that... so long as someone is cheating, why not let it be with you? As if your moral judgement/character isn't just as low as theirs for accepting knowing you're having a hand in possibly severely hurting someone who may not have done anything wrong..

 

And you somehow would have the self control not to cheat on your own wife someday should the opportunity arise? Why not? That's the reasoning you're giving right now.. Why not? Or just someone that truly "gets" you, where the feeling is mutual?

Edited June 10, 2013 by ScreamingTrees

[Mrlonelyone]

I didnt want to have to point this out to you but the civil war 152 years ago.

 

The relevance it has on your life NOW or in the future is the closest thing science has ever came to absolute zero.

I was writing of heritage and culture. Inspire on rhetoric there is a uniquely US American culture which my family helped establish.

 

I was just saying it would be nice to have that in common with a SO.

 

Screaming trees you wrote of fidelity, which implies a solemn promise or path as if before God has been made.

 

There cannot be fidelity without a promise. Marriage is the only such promise and marriage is religious.

Edited June 10, 2013 by Mrlonelyone

[ScreamingTrees]

I was writing of heritage and culture. Inspire on rhetoric there is a uniquely US American culture which my family helped establish.

 

I was just saying it would be nice to have that in common with a SO.

 

Screaming trees you wrote of fidelity, which implies a solemn promise or path as if before God has been made.

 

There cannot be fidelity without a promise. Marriage is the only such promise and marriage is religious.

 

The terms of an inter-personal relationship may be established without religion.. What if two people willingly agree to a monogamous relationship? That is what 90% of modern civilized humanity does nowadays when in a formal established relationship, correct? They draw a line.. I doubt that many find it acceptable for the other party to go off and have sexual relations with total strangers, for both health and moral/romantic reasons.

 

Promises can be made without marriage or religion. I'm surprised many people still cling to religious doctrine anyway, which is simply how I personally feel. Outdated means of control, is all I see them as.

 

Bottom line, you can meet another person and agree to remain faithful to them because YOU genuinely CARE for how they feel, after having spent x amount of years with them and knowing that you want them in your life permanently. You don't need any outside social constructs to nudge you in the direction of making this natural decision..

 

Even most animals tend to be protective of their mates, whether those animals do a little pea-cocking dance to attract them or perhaps the dance is just them banging them over the head and dragging them back to their cave.. Either way, I'd say that agreeing to monogamy is no different than the various manners in which animals secure their partners.. It's just an advanced form of a dance as old as any living organism in this existence.

[xxoo]

I was writing of heritage and culture. Inspire on rhetoric there is a uniquely US American culture which my family helped establish.

 

I was just saying it would be nice to have that in common with a SO.

 

Screaming trees you wrote of fidelity, which implies a solemn promise or path as if before God has been made.

 

There cannot be fidelity without a promise. Marriage is the only such promise and marriage is religious.

 

You seem to be out of touch with modern culture. You seem to have a much better handle on Othello

 

Finding someone whose family dates back before the Civil War is not going to solve your very modern dating issue. I didn't misread your op.

 

Marriage is not the only promise. People promise fidelity to each other in ways other than marriage. Many couples choose not to marry at all, for myriad reasons, but the promise of fidelity may still be made. Marriage is historically religious, by currently often civil only.

[Mrlonelyone]

You seem to be out of touch with modern culture. You seem to have a much better handle on Othello

 

Finding someone whose family dates back before the Civil War is not going to solve your very modern dating issue. I didn't misread your op.

 

Marriage is not the only promise. People promise fidelity to each other in ways other than marriage. Many couples choose not to marry at all, for myriad reasons, but the promise of fidelity may still be made. Marriage is historically religious, by currently often civil only.

 

If someone wants to speak holier than thou about fidelity then they open the door to the very definition of a promise. It can't be implied by so many dates or inferred. It is explicit and permanent.

 

I simply don't view GF BF situations that way. Unless fidelity has been promised and in that case it is up to the people in the relationship to keep their promises.

[Leigh 87]

So you attract mostly women that have no morals.

 

Well that makes sense.

 

Like tends to attract like:)

 

Hey, I'm just wondering. Have you ever thought about how the betrayed spouses feel?

Edited June 10, 2013 by Leigh 87

[Mrlonelyone]

So you attract mostly women that have no morals.

 

Well that makes sense.

 

Like tends to attract like:)

 

Hey, I'm just wondering. Have you ever thought about how the betrayed spouses feel?

 

ONE betrayed spouse. The spouse of a teacher that sexually abused me (yes women can abuse men).

 

I refuse to call a boyfriend a "spouse". They haven't paid the dues to be called that... to do so would denigrate the very institution.

[CompleteFailure]

They seem to see me in those terms but not as really fully a person.

 

It seems like you're half way to raising the standards you expect in a partner, in a relationship and of yourself. If not, maybe you should.

 

The most detrimental case was a teacher in high school. She was very married about 25-26 years old, and at school she was for all practical high school purposes my girlfriend....yet I was a secret. Only in hindsight can I tell how much that really did hurt me.

 

This must have been a strange and difficult experience, even now. If you have issues with it, seek some professional help.

 

Maybe I just shouldn't be dating? Right now all I want is for a woman to want me and not feel it an act of some kind of rebellion or a strange thing. I'm gonna go on this date and see if I even like this new woman. If she ends up reminding me as much in person as I have come to realize her profile does then why shouldn't I take it as a red flag?

 

Clearly you're not happy with how you've been doing things, so do the opposite of what you would normally do. If it doesn't work out you'll eventually find someone for the type of casual relationship you're used to.

 

If I have questions they are this.

 

Do other men find that they attract certain kinds of women more than others?

 

Nope, I don't attract any women. If you're worried that you keep attracting the same type of women, just let yourself go and get fat and ugly. Problem solved, nobody will want to use you for sex anymore.

 

Has anyone else ever come to take that type which approaches them most as being a red flag after enough bad experiences?

 

It all depends what you want out of the relationship. Your red flag could be another person's godsend.

[Mrlonelyone]

True. Perhaps I am just reacting to this new woman because, it feels too good to be true.

 

I mean breaking up with one woman, after nine months, only for one who is like them in many ways BUT not like them in ways that make them a better find (on paper at least).

 

It is like they pat you on the back and say "you can do better". As many said to me, now here, I have done better (On paper). Yet it does not really feel as wonderful as I know it would if my heart were truly free.

[CompleteFailure]

True. Perhaps I am just reacting to this new woman because, it feels too good to be true.

 

I mean breaking up with one woman, after nine months, only for one who is like them in many ways BUT not like them in ways that make them a better find (on paper at least).

 

It is like they pat you on the back and say "you can do better". As many said to me, now here, I have done better (On paper). Yet it does not really feel as wonderful as I know it would if my heart were truly free.

 

Is this on paper stuff some kind of code for your lack of desire for her physical attraction?

 

I'm not sure what kind of answers you're seeking, you've basically figured it out yourself that you're not over the previous M and are just looking to replace her with an upgraded version.

[Mrlonelyone]

Is this on paper stuff some kind of code for your lack of desire for her physical attraction?

 

No, the new woman is quite attractive, no, beautiful in fact. This isn't about the physical.

 

The on paper stuff comes down to this. We have been on one date, we had some very honest feeling freely flowing conversation. We had fun just walking and talking.

 

However, at my age, I know that who someone says they are, and who they really are, are different things most of the time. Even when a person is trying their best to be totally honest, there is no substitute for spending time with someone.

 

I spent two to three days a week for many hours, with M, for nine months. We saw eachother around for years before that. We got to know eachother, friends, and family. I got to see M's good and bad sides. She could be a fair woman, a wise woman, a sweet woman.... then make me want to scream damn her in the same week. (Yes that is an Othello reference).

 

 

I'm not sure what kind of answers you're seeking, you've basically figured it out yourself that you're not over the previous M and are just looking to replace her with an upgraded version.

 

I wasn't looking to replace her with a really similar woman. It just seems to have worked out that way. I just really really wish I could feel butterflys and such for this new woman. it's early yet. I suppose time will tell the true tale.

[SlickWalrus]

All the women that've been interested in me, ever have been:

 

Short

Curvy

Vegetarian (In most of the cases)

Bisexual

More or less "crazy"

 

Whereas I am:

 

Average height

Slim (I consider myself proportional, hence me using the word "slim" instead of skinny)

Straight (Though I appreciate male appearance & beauty)

Nerdy

Introverted

 

I wouldn't consider myself socially-inept, I'm capable of holding a conversation just fine and I can reach out to people, only I don't bother.

 

I'm Scandinavian (and ginger-ish, I consider it auburn - there's nothing wrong with being ginger though!) and the ones I have attracted have been from Scandinavian to Indian to American (I only had sex with 2 of them, unfortunately I didn't get around to the Indian even though there's still hope!).

 

I'm starting to wonder if it has anything to do with bisexual women usually being more "open" and therefore a bit "different"?

I mean, the curvyness (except for one of them) could be a coincidence, but when bisexual women are head over heels for me, I suppose it could mean I have feminine traits? No clue, to be honest.