asellythia Posted June 9, 2013 Posted June 9, 2013 I'm not great at understanding what people really mean at the best of times - I'm very much a take people at face value sort of person, I'm very honest (probably too honest) and tend to say what I think and mean...and expect that others do too. So my most recent ex has had me foxed. He's a very intense, emotional type of person; or has played that character, at least. We haven't been together long, he initially came to me for just one thing (after some heavy flirting and come-ons from me) but when he got here, we both realised we couldn't do it, and spent the night talking instead. And the next night...and quite a few after that; he ended up coming over almost every night, and each time we would cuddle and kiss, then spend the next 4-6 hours talking (and ending up shattered the next morning ) After the first 7-10 days it felt very 'right', and we got very intense, talking about marriage and all sorts, then I freaked out and started back peddling, which caused arguments. We split up a few times, but within 24 hours at the most he was back, saying he couldn't lose me...but then the arguing started again as he just seemed very confused as to his feelings, saying he can't commit to anyone, didn't want to hurt me in the future, he's not emotionally strong enough for a relationship...but then all of a sudden saying marry me and strange things like that, but then the next day saying he was just hurting me and couldn't do it anymore. He seemed very troubled. He ended things 'finally' about 2 weeks ago, but after saying he couldn't lose me altogether, he agreed to just keep in contact through text for a bit, if we got on without arguing too much then maybe arrange a date...once he'd sorted out his issues and feelings. It had started to go quite well, a bit of flirting via text, nice conversation, he'd agreed to come over Thursday night to talk and see what happened...then I did something stupid and betrayed his trust which almost cost him his job (he'd been unprofessional at work and I effectively 'told' on him) but he didn't end it at first; he said he still wanted to see me, was begging for an invite, saying he still liked me etc - and then his boss wanted to speak to me, he freaked out as he'd lied to his boss originally (told them I had made up what i'd told them) and went to his boss then to explain I'd been telling the truth and stick up for me a bit...then texted me to finish things for good He's now refusing to see or speak to me, says he knows after what happened that I'm not for him, he cares about me and is physically attracted to me but doesn't ever want a relationship as he knows he hasn't got that core 'want' to be with me - this is despite the fact that on Tuesday he said he was 'working on' being with me properly. He has agreed I can text him sometimes, I asked how he knows he won't develop any feelings for me in say, 6 months or a years' time and he says he can't say for certain, but doesn't want to give me false hope for something he feels unlikely to happen...based on previous experience, when he feels this way about someone; it's over - but he also says he's never found it as difficult to finish it for good with anyone else as he has with me, there was always something drawing him back to me that he couldn't put his finger on, and I've meant more to him than any of his previous partners. He also said (maybe just an easy let down, not sure) that all I can do is try in the future, and see how he reacts at that time. I don't understand how, after everything and how hard he fought to 'keep' me even though it was a very short relationship, all the things he said about wanting to be with me or at least not that long ago, and how on Thursday afternoon he wanted to see me (he knows says that was a last ditch attempt at 'us' and he wanted me to ask him over, but I never did), but 2 hours later he was 'sure' it was over for good. How can he say I'm not 'right' for him, when we haven't really had a proper go at things? Outside influences prevented us from being a proper couple - as in, going on dates in our home town etc., so how can he know without giving it a proper try? He says he just doesn't feel it
TaraMaiden Posted June 9, 2013 Posted June 9, 2013 What you need is Closure. And you won't get it from him. Ever. He's basically shut you off. He doesn't feel it, so no matter how much you persist, you can't turn a dandelion into a rose. Leave him be. Go/stay No Contact. Closure means you move on, accept it and get over it. Closure doesn't come from them. It comes from you. You have to let go. He's stated his case, so that's it.
Author asellythia Posted June 9, 2013 Author Posted June 9, 2013 Oh But he had told me to 'leave him alone' twice previously, and then within a week had changed his mind...so I thought this time he might do it again. He did even say on Friday that if I'd left it alone for a bit, it might have been 'fixable' - but I didn't, so it isn't. How can he possibly know how he'll feel in 6 months time? I was hoping maybe he was just cross at the moment, about the work thing.
TaraMaiden Posted June 9, 2013 Posted June 9, 2013 Read the No Contact Guide in my signature (2) Link. It's the first post - but you need to read the remainder of the thread for the valuable lessons it can give you. It's over. you're dumped. The Guide is for you. Eat it up, drink it devour it. It's timeless, and has no time-limit. This is over. for good. Go No Contact, stay No Contact. For good. (Remember this: he cannot break no Contact. As you are the one to implement it, only YOU can break it. You break it, by initiating contact, or responding to him. Do neither.)
Author asellythia Posted June 9, 2013 Author Posted June 9, 2013 Read it Seriously? NC is the only way to go?? Even though I've pissed him off so badly and he will never think well of me or miss me? Even though only a few days ago he said I'm always on his mind and under his skin? What if he's just confused and I miss out on him realising he does care, by going NC?
TaraMaiden Posted June 9, 2013 Posted June 9, 2013 Read it Seriously? NC is the only way to go?? Yes. Without a shadow of a doubt. It is. Even though I've pissed him off so badly and he will never think well of me or miss me? Even though only a few days ago he said I'm always on his mind and under his skin? Yes. Especially so. What if he's just confused and I miss out on him realising he does care, by going NC? Yeah. What if? That's on him to determine, not you to guess at. If he really cares enough, he will make sure you know. But make sure it's 110% clear. Breadcrumbs, remember?
Author asellythia Posted June 9, 2013 Author Posted June 9, 2013 I know, but we ended on such a bad note that there will be nothing positive for him to remember Ok, NC it is then.
TaraMaiden Posted June 9, 2013 Posted June 9, 2013 You have to go the full-blown version. Do everything it tells you to do. Block, delete, deny, change your number if necessary. Go complete AWOL and fall off his radar. Trust me on this one: If he really sees true value and worth in trying to keep in touch with you - he WILL find a way. But the best thing you could do, for you both - is to disappear.
Recommended Posts