irc333 Posted June 9, 2013 Posted June 9, 2013 I was wondering, sometimes I'm one to give people the benefit of the doubt about their behavior, usually based upon the impression they had given to me about how they act up until a point. For instance, can a woman ( or a man) , who are normally well behaved, courteous, respectful, etc...can even flake? I think some might think "flaky" behavior might be disrespectful, but is it more of a flight or fight or self-defensive response instead, and can be justifiable?
sillyanswer Posted June 9, 2013 Posted June 9, 2013 I associate being flaky with being disrespectful and being cowardly. The best of people do not have both of these qualities, although some people who are still pretty awesome do have them.
Casablanca Posted June 9, 2013 Posted June 9, 2013 I associate being flaky with being disrespectful and being cowardly. The best of people do not have both of these qualities, although some people who are still pretty awesome do have them. I agree with this, I've had one really nice girl flake on me, a few others who werent as sweet. It is just really being a coward, sure it sucks to have to let someone down, but its even worse for the other person to wonder what is going on while you fade away, not sure if its a fade away, really busy or just wants to slow things down...it is like slowly taking off a band-aid, better for a quick rip
Mme. Chaucer Posted June 9, 2013 Posted June 9, 2013 All this talk about "flaking" … sure, some people are flakes and do flakey things. But often, around here, a person (usually the term "flakes" refers to women) decides not to go on a date that she previously agreed to, and cancels. What is flakey about that? It's dating. A person is allowed to change their mind, if they realize that nothing's really going to be coming of it or for any reason at all, actually. That doesn't signify a character flaw. "Fading away"? Girls sure don't have the market cornered on that one! Anyway, IMO it's only "flaking" if the person just stands you up. 2
mammasita Posted June 9, 2013 Posted June 9, 2013 I don't think it's justifiable but I agree 100% that its some internal fight or flight self preservation/defense mechanism.
fortyninethousand322 Posted June 9, 2013 Posted June 9, 2013 All this talk about "flaking" … sure, some people are flakes and do flakey things. But often, around here, a person (usually the term "flakes" refers to women) decides not to go on a date that she previously agreed to, and cancels. What is flakey about that? It's dating. A person is allowed to change their mind, if they realize that nothing's really going to be coming of it or for any reason at all, actually. That doesn't signify a character flaw. "Fading away"? Girls sure don't have the market cornered on that one! Anyway, IMO it's only "flaking" if the person just stands you up. I don't know, it depends. If someone on Tuesday agrees to a date for Friday night then calls Thursday and says they can't make/changed their mind/have to wash their hair that day/etc., I think that's fair. But, if the date is at 7 and you call at 6:52 to cancel (or, worse yet don't cancel at all), that's ridiculous. And deliberately wasting someone's time. That's the only conclusion to come to. You wouldn't do it to your employer or a client (I hope) so you shouldn't do it to someone you're thinking about dating... 1
Casablanca Posted June 9, 2013 Posted June 9, 2013 All this talk about "flaking" … sure, some people are flakes and do flakey things. But often, around here, a person (usually the term "flakes" refers to women) decides not to go on a date that she previously agreed to, and cancels. What is flakey about that? It's dating. A person is allowed to change their mind, if they realize that nothing's really going to be coming of it or for any reason at all, actually. That doesn't signify a character flaw. "Fading away"? Girls sure don't have the market cornered on that one! Anyway, IMO it's only "flaking" if the person just stands you up. I don't think anyone is claiming that only women flake, I have female friends who have had men flake on them Not going on a date or canceling in itself isn't flaky, but if you agree to go on it and never show up and never contact that person again, you flaked on them. If you cancel because you don't want to see them anymore, but give a BS response and not tell the truth and never contact them again, that is being a flake. There is nothing flaky telling a person you don't want another date because you dont see it working out. It is flaky when you just disappear after you've had a few dates/been talking for awhile. I dont think not calling back after a first date is flaky. I don't really look down at people who have a date and never call back/return call...but after two dates, the other person is owed a "you're nice, but I dont think it will work out"....I've had ladies (and for mammasita), I'm sure guys have done this too, but I've had ladies after we've had 4-7 dates, been talking for a month or so, slowly stops responding to calls and texts. That is just rude and the ideal example of a flake. Just tell the other person you're not interested. 1
fortyninethousand322 Posted June 9, 2013 Posted June 9, 2013 One quick word about flaking in general. People who flake generally do so because a) they have the luxury of doing so (i.e. they don't have problems getting dates) b) they have some kind of social anxiety disorder or c) they are so repulsed or creeped out by the thought of spending 30 minutes with you (the bare minimum for a date I'd say) that they just can't do it. Some of that says something about them, some of it says something about you. Food for thought...
sillyanswer Posted June 9, 2013 Posted June 9, 2013 One quick word about flaking in general. People who flake generally do so because a) they have the luxury of doing so (i.e. they don't have problems getting dates) b) they have some kind of social anxiety disorder or c) they are so repulsed or creeped out by the thought of spending 30 minutes with you (the bare minimum for a date I'd say) that they just can't do it. Some of that says something about them, some of it says something about you. Food for thought... Can I add a fourth option? d) they are really bad at saying "no" when you ask them out that they say "yes" with no firm intention of actually turning up. (I'm not sure that's as simple as being an example of your option b) )
fortyninethousand322 Posted June 9, 2013 Posted June 9, 2013 Can I add a fourth option? d) they are really bad at saying "no" when you ask them out that they say "yes" with no firm intention of actually turning up. (I'm not sure that's as simple as being an example of your option b) ) Well, that is another option. I just didn't want to offend anyone by saying people who flake are sometimes gutless, spineless worms with the intestinal fortitude of a sea sick newborn with lactose intolerance...
sillyanswer Posted June 9, 2013 Posted June 9, 2013 What is flakey about that? It's dating. A person is allowed to change their mind, if they realize that nothing's really going to be coming of it or for any reason at all, actually. That doesn't signify a character flaw. You're right that there's nothing wrong with changing your mind, and that doesn't signify a character flaw. Flaking is more than just changing your mind, though. It's being too cowardly or too disrespectful to tell the other person that your mind has changed (or was never set on going on the date in the first place). 1
Casablanca Posted June 9, 2013 Posted June 9, 2013 You're right that there's nothing wrong with changing your mind, and that doesn't signify a character flaw. Flaking is more than just changing your mind, though. It's being too cowardly or too disrespectful to tell the other person that your mind has changed (or was never set on going on the date in the first place). Bingo! It is never fun letting someone down, but better to just say it and get it out of the way then drag it on because it drives the other person nuts as its a process over a couple days
happykat Posted June 9, 2013 Posted June 9, 2013 No, the best of people don't flake. The best of people face things head on, even if it feels uncomfortable. When someone flakes on me I am hurt, but I'm also thankful that they are showing me their true character, and I don't waste any more time. It may sound harsh - and I am harsh about who I choose to spend my time with. 1
hppr Posted June 9, 2013 Posted June 9, 2013 Flakes? If you have ever hired someone for a position that kind of behavior is easy to spot. Like, you tell them to show up at X time and bring Y tools with them. The good ones make an effort to get there on time, bring the right tools, etc. No excuses, if they are late they are honest about it, no BS. Bad ones, flakes, they are the ones that are chronically late/make mistakes/no responsibility for their actions. If they get caught in a lie they make up a new one or get defensive and shift the blame. Dating, friendship with people like that follows the same pattern. edit: the best of people don't flake. They might not show up but they'll have the guts to tell you beforehand, they won't lie about it or that kind of thing either.
hppr Posted June 9, 2013 Posted June 9, 2013 Can I add a fourth option? d) they are really bad at saying "no" when you ask them out that they say "yes" with no firm intention of actually turning up. (I'm not sure that's as simple as being an example of your option b) ) Like I said, lying to protect their own feelings. They'll say it's because they don't want to hurt the other person's feelings but really they just don't want to get that bad feeling that goes along with saying no. Good people are honest even when it's not fun to be honest is the best way I can put it.
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