Leigh 87 Posted June 9, 2013 Posted June 9, 2013 To fall "in love" with someone, does it have to be mutual? I do not get it when people infer that one person is in love, yet the love is unrequited. I think that you both feel "it" if something is there that has potential. I do not think it can be a one way thing if something undeniable is just there between you. Not everyone, even beautiful and wonderful people, can just make anyone fall in love with them. I believe "it" is either there, it is not. How can one person fall IN love with another person who does NOT feel in love with them? Isn't it a two way street, at least to begin with? Since people supposedly fall OUT of love? I thought there was just "that feeling" that triggered falling IN love, versus just loving someone dearly (and not being in love) It is hard to comprehend that something special enough can just "be there" without BOTH parties feeling it! I am just testing my beliefs out. I have set beliefs, that I want to debate with people, as I am open to changing the way I view things, if enough people can compel me to. I want to consider some important questions before I am ready to date again after getting my heart broken. Which will NOT be anytime soon:sick: I want to figure some things out about love when I am single, so when I find someone in the distant future, I do not have to come on here and ask all these silly questions and can take a break from loveshack when I have found my own other love, lol!
Author Leigh 87 Posted June 9, 2013 Author Posted June 9, 2013 Well, my parents very obviously feel the same way about love. I can't explain how I know this, it is just obvious that they are on the same wave length about it. They are happily married for over 35 years. The whole falling "in love" thing, that compels men to do things they never previously did with girls they really loved dearly, though. Surely such a special "click" would be felt by BOTH parties in the early stages? I fail to see how something very special can be there, if only one person feels it.
miss_jaclynrae Posted June 9, 2013 Posted June 9, 2013 So you are saying that you don't believe it is love unless the person you love loves you back?
ChessPieceFace Posted June 9, 2013 Posted June 9, 2013 How can one person fall IN love with another person who does NOT feel in love with them? Only love I ever felt was unrequited. Was it really love? I don't know for sure, since I've never experienced any other kind. Whatever it was, it was soul-crushing.
Author Leigh 87 Posted June 9, 2013 Author Posted June 9, 2013 So you are saying that you don't believe it is love unless the person you love loves you back? I just think something has to be "there", something that is felt from both people. To fall IN love, surely one person not only has to have strong feelings, but these feelings actually need to be mutual and therefore, built upon? There has to be something, for example that a guy "feels" about a girl, which he just did not "feel" with all the other pretty women he dated. Not necessarily the prettiest girl or most inspiring women he meets elicits this "feeling", either. Do you understand what I mean? The feelings that LEAD to falling in love with a person. Another example: two people meet and they fall in love, and is results in a very long and happy relationship, where that are both crazy about each other. They have dated other people and not fell IN love before, or at least as deeply as they feel with each other. SURELY such a strong love, is something that is felt early on in the relationship, and by both people? If only once person feels it towards someone, the feeling will die and burn out, if there is not another person who lights the fire. Perhaps one person can truly fall in love with a person, that does not feel the same way? Or, is it just infatuation?
Author Leigh 87 Posted June 9, 2013 Author Posted June 9, 2013 Only love I ever felt was unrequited. Was it really love? I don't know for sure, since I've never experienced any other kind. Whatever it was, it was soul-crushing. Wow that must have sucked! Well, now I am thinking that, yes, one person can fall IN love without the other person feeling the same way. But, it is not as strong as when BOTH parties fall in love; falling in love one way is strong enough. Both people feeling it will build it and make it a much stronger feeling, than is only one person falls in love. Does that make sense? I think that is what must happen. Therefore yikes, I hope I do not fall in love with someone who does not feel the same (again).
TaraMaiden Posted June 9, 2013 Posted June 9, 2013 No two people in love EVER feel exactly the same. but they must have similar, if not identical, goals in mind, and principles regarding what constitutes a successful relationship. There are couples who live miles - even continents - apart, who have very successful relationships. There are couples who see each other every single day, and who work together in business, 24/7, who have very successful relationships. There are couples who meet late in life, who have very successful relationships. There are couples - first loves - who have never known, or been with anyone else - who have very successful relationships. It's not 'Love' that binds. It's principles, objectives, goals, tastes, and ambitions. 2
Eternal Sunshine Posted June 9, 2013 Posted June 9, 2013 I have also only ever been in unrequited love.
todreaminblue Posted June 9, 2013 Posted June 9, 2013 No two people in love EVER feel exactly the same. but they must have similar, if not identical, goals in mind, and principles regarding what constitutes a successful relationship. It's not 'Love' that binds. It's principles, objectives, goals, tastes, and ambitions. i dont like shortening peoples posts when i quote them tara its like i am disregarding points i am not......but i got in trouble for quoting whole posts.....got flagged...so i am trying not to annoy.... i agree with all you posted.......smilin...but........dotn you think its is a common "love" of certain principles objectives values that binds...so in actual fact that is love too....and that you can fall in love with someones ideals and values which makes you love that person even more..so in essence its all love that binds......from me to you...(((hugs))))).havent hugged you in ages..:bunny:...deb
TaraMaiden Posted June 9, 2013 Posted June 9, 2013 Absolutely. Love is essential. But my point is, that everyone's definition of 'love' is different. And even two people in the same relationship, may define 'love' in different ways. These are all components of a true and lasting Love. They're part of that definition. And for them to function, they have to coincide... I think we're in total agreement here. Huge ((((hugs)))) back atcha, deb.... 1
KatZee Posted June 9, 2013 Posted June 9, 2013 Unrequited love is definitely real, and it's absolutely possible for one person to be so in love, and the other to feel only platonic feelings. Take a guy and a girl who are "best friends" for instance. (This is actually a real life scenario of my best friend and her male best friend.) They've been BFF for years. They hang out all the time, even one on one. She sees him strictly as a brother. She's not attracted to him, she doesn't want to date him, but she loves him as a great friend, loves hanging out with him, etc. He on the other hand I would say loves her. He asks her out all the time. Makes side comments such as, "I need a girl who acts like you. Would it be awkward now if we dated?" When they go out, he often picks up her tab, is considerate of her etc. He would date her in a second. So there is nothing coming from her end to make him think he has a chance. They've never hooked up and she doesn't act "affectionate" with him like that. She's even told him many times that she doesn't see him like that, she only thinks of him like a brother. But needless to say he hasn't given up yet.
Author Leigh 87 Posted June 9, 2013 Author Posted June 9, 2013 This all makes more sense now. Thanks a lot. There is no way I would hang out with a dude that I was in love with though, if he did not love me back!?!?! As in, he only felt platonic feelings towards me. KatZee - does the guy feel hurt when she dates other guys? Or is unrequited love not painful if they have never actually been together? For instance, I would be devastated if *ahem* a certain idiot I was once in a relationship with, got together with a new women. Yet, on the other hand, I can't say whether or not I would care if I was in love with male friend that I had never actually had a relationship with. Once your in a relationship with someone, you break up, and they date other people, if you are still in love with them you would hurt a lot since they were once so "yours". If you were never committed and they were never "yours" in that sense, then you could not get as upset in that same way, right? In saying all of this, I still do not think it would be that thrilling to be around a person you were falling in love with, when they literally only viewed you as a "brother" or "Sister"
TaraMaiden Posted June 9, 2013 Posted June 9, 2013 Sadly, katzee, this seems to be a common occurrence in so-called 'platonic' relationships. And as far as I can see, for the most part, it's always the guy who's hoping for more. Women are perfectly capable of existing quite happily in such a relationship. Men are not mentally equipped to see a boy/girl relationship as just a friendship. For them, there has to be something more. And that's not being sexist, patronising or condescending. I happen to honestly believe it's just a difference in 'mental wiring'. I know of only one such situation where the guy/girl are simply friends. The guy is definitely straight, and they have known each other since primary school. They're exactly like brother and sister. They act that way too. The thought - to either of them - of there being anything more than friendship, is a complete anathema, and they recoil in horror at such a suggestion. it truly is the only case I know of.
KatZee Posted June 9, 2013 Posted June 9, 2013 There is no way I would hang out with a dude that I was in love with though, if he did not love me back!?!?! As in, he only felt platonic feelings towards me. KatZee - does the guy feel hurt when she dates other guys? Or is unrequited love not painful if they have never actually been together? I wouldn't be able to do it now either. I know I've done it in the past when I was naive and I thought the guy would eventually see how cool I was. But now I know if a guy doesn't feel it for you, nothing is going to change his mind, and it def hurts too much to be so into someone and have them not reciprocate. So I wouldn't continue to hang out with him either, luckily this situation has never really happened to me. Maybe once or twice when I was much younger but not as an adult. Unrequited love I think is even MORE painful than if they would have dated because even though he knows her well, he doesn't know exactly what she's like in a relationship. So all he has are these extreme ideals in his head of what he thinks it would be like. And he wants to experience that. So it hurts MORE than if he actually knew.. "Oh she snores when she sleeps" or "yeah she nags me over little things." Things that would bring her down to a more human level. My friend actually talks to him about other guys. She tells him who she's interested in, and asks why she can't get a guy, why she's still single. He doesn't show much emotion from what I've seen when she does this but I'm sure there's a twinge on the inside that hurts him.
TaraMaiden Posted June 9, 2013 Posted June 9, 2013 Leigh - it's 'a WomAn'! Singular!! WomEn is plural! Ie, more than ONE!! ....Although that said, WomEN (plural) would certainly apply to *ahem* said certain idiot.....
Author Leigh 87 Posted June 9, 2013 Author Posted June 9, 2013 My ex sucks but I would still feel a depth of despair, jealously and disbelief if he saw a new girl RIGHT away before No Contact gets me over him. He was once mine and it is too much to fathom him with someone else. Yet. Where as with two friends that have never been together, sure, perhaps there is a heightened sense of how great it would be. Still though, it is not as painful as losing someone to someone else. It feels like something was yours, is not someone else's, versus just feeling down that you cannot be with someone (I would feel BOTH for my ex).
Author Leigh 87 Posted June 9, 2013 Author Posted June 9, 2013 I only have two very good male friends. I once had another once in my past too. Totally platonic. One of them, however, is not an "old" friend, from way back. I met him last Christmas when I was working and him and his WIFE and children visited my job. I bumped into him later on and we talked for ages and got each others numbers. He is into life music like me, and he has a lot of friends he likes to get together with for events. Honestly? He is that rare type of a person who is REALLY interested in other people. He is TOTALLY consumed with his family life on a DAILY basis, which is why, when I asked him about his interest in spending so much time with friends, he answered that " he wanted a life outside his family" He is into reikei and reading peoples energy (we seldom discus this) but he is just really interested in people. What more can I say. He finds me attractive, but there is just.... nothing there. He recently married his wife. There is just none of that "questioning" of things with him. It is obvious it is platonic. We have seen movies together. His wife knows and asks about it. She doesn't care. This is the ONLY time in my life that I have met a man I "felt" genuinely secure around. He has his crap together, he has a good job and a good family, he is very emotionally attuned and he knows that he cannot hang around women too often so as to risk getting feelings. He knows better and would pull away if they ever happened. His wife means too much to him. All the other immature dudes I have asked to be friends with just flat out said " no, sorry, but I cannot be friends with a women if I am sexually attracted to her". A big difference between men like that, and men like my good married friend, is that: the married man is a deep thinker. He likes to discuss a lot of issues in depth. He talks about feelings. Most men are not like him in general. My best friend is a guy who is years older than me, who I met in 2009. Maybe they won't be able to resist me for ever:lmao:
Author Leigh 87 Posted June 9, 2013 Author Posted June 9, 2013 Leigh - it's 'a WomAn'! Singular!! WomEn is plural! Ie, more than ONE!! ....Although that said, WomEN (plural) would certainly apply to *ahem* said certain idiot..... Yeah. Any hole will do for them. They have no standards:sick: And I know about that rule, you told me once before:D It was genuinely a typo as I do consciously know that women is more than one. My mum is an English teacher. You wouldn't know it though:o 1
Author Leigh 87 Posted June 9, 2013 Author Posted June 9, 2013 Well at least I got my they're/their/there down pat. I was once involved with an *idiot* who did not know the difference between hear/here, the their/there's, or too/to Neither did the idiots friends, for the most part. Trust me on this one. There are mature aged adults who really are less adept than me with their spelling and grammar:lmao::lmao: I would classify myself as average.
Author Leigh 87 Posted June 9, 2013 Author Posted June 9, 2013 With love, I reallllly do not think that it will ALWAYS occur, when a guy hangs around a woman who they are sexually attracted to, and who is also a really awesome woman (in his eyes). I think falling IN love, versus just hanging around a person long enough and coming to love them dearly and have some sexual feelings, are different feelings. I do not think a guy that hangs around a girl, who thinks the world of the girl and is also super attracted to her, will necessarily fall "in" love with her. He will just get a boner around her which would technically be annoying. Elaborating on the inability to just fall IN love with a woman, if your a man; I do not think the truest feeling of love comes easily. For example; most couples these days tend to settle with a person that they have sexual feelings towards, yet they are not IN love with them; they grow to love each other dearly and are sexually into each other. That is all. To fall IN love, surely, is a more rare feeling? And from just being around opposite sex friends, surely you do not start to feel "that" elusive feeling of falling "in" love so easily? In my opinion, it would just be inconvenient to be around a girl that made you get boners all the time. It is not that they would easily just fall in love. I am not sure IN love is an easy feeling to come across.
todreaminblue Posted June 9, 2013 Posted June 9, 2013 This all makes more sense now. Thanks a lot. There is no way I would hang out with a dude that I was in love with though, if he did not love me back!?!?! As in, he only felt platonic feelings towards me. KatZee - does the guy feel hurt when she dates other guys? Or is unrequited love not painful if they have never actually been together? For instance, I would be devastated if *ahem* a certain idiot I was once in a relationship with, got together with a new women. Yet, on the other hand, I can't say whether or not I would care if I was in love with male friend that I had never actually had a relationship with. Once your in a relationship with someone, you break up, and they date other people, if you are still in love with them you would hurt a lot since they were once so "yours". If you were never committed and they were never "yours" in that sense, then you could not get as upset in that same way, right? In saying all of this, I still do not think it would be that thrilling to be around a person you were falling in love with, when they literally only viewed you as a "brother" or "Sister" hey leigh........i am in contact with a guy i have really strong feelings for......he makes my heart skip beats...;0)...i kamikazed last year and told him so.....rather early in the picture actually ...probably scared the crap out of him..i was scared crapless myself..but when i feel it i know....and i felt something so i kamikazed...i was so nervous and i did it over the phone ....which was a first.......and i crasssssshed big time....he was a gentleman about it ...told me his heart was set on someone else...i respected the way he dealt with me.....he was gentle.....made me like him even more............my feelings have not diminished in the slightest.......so i am ...yep...unrequited ball of mush......lol......i will not make him uncomfortable again ......adn i enjoy hsi company and his huge heart....my grandfather said to me....when you feel something for someone always tell them.....you dont know how long you are going to be on earth.....always let people know how you feel about them...and i did..... so i followed my heart....i have no regrets about that....sometimes you just cant pick and choose who you develop feelings for...whatever you feel has merit...unrequited or not.......and over a year......even though my feelings however strong are still unrequited and now are unspoken...they havent changed......they exist for whatever reason... i didnt think i would ever feel anything for another guy after i broke up with my last ex.... ....but...i guess i was wrong and i can without a doubt in my mind, be his friend...because i actually care for him.....and those feelings ....are as strong as the attraction i feel......if he were to be in a relationship or start one with a woman...i dont know how i woudl feel...i am guessing it would be hurtful and a real heart break for me...thats a risk...ill face that enigma when it arrives...until then...i am his friend ...hopefully..he can see that in me..deb
Author Leigh 87 Posted June 9, 2013 Author Posted June 9, 2013 hey leigh........i am in contact with a guy i have really strong feelings for......he makes my heart skip beats...;0)...i kamikazed last year and told him so.....rather early in the picture actually ...probably scared the crap out of him..i was scared crapless myself..but when i feel it i know....and i felt something so i kamikazed...i was so nervous and i did it over the phone ....which was a first.......and i crasssssshed big time....he was a gentleman about it ...told me his heart was set on someone else...i respected the way he dealt with me.....he was gentle.....made me like him even more............my feelings have not diminished in the slightest.......so i am ...yep...unrequited ball of mush......lol......i will not make him uncomfortable again ......adn i enjoy hsi company and his huge heart....my grandfather said to me....when you feel something for someone always tell them.....you dont know how long you are going to be on earth.....always let people know how you feel about them...and i did..... so i followed my heart....i have no regrets about that....sometimes you just cant pick and choose who you develop feelings for...whatever you feel has merit...unrequited or not.......and over a year......even though my feelings however strong are still unrequited and now are unspoken...they havent changed......they exist for whatever reason... i didnt think i would ever feel anything for another guy after i broke up with my last ex.... ....but...i guess i was wrong and i can without a doubt in my mind, be his friend...because i actually care for him.....and those feelings ....are as strong as the attraction i feel......if he were to be in a relationship or start one with a woman...i dont know how i woudl feel...i am guessing it would be hurtful and a real heart break for me...thats a risk...ill face that enigma when it arrives...until then...i am his friend ...hopefully..he can see that in me..deb Well I have a lot of respect for you, not only because you come across as a very nice women, but the fact you took that risk and told him of your true feelings, is amazing. Not all people would do that, which I totally understand. I am the type of woman who needs..... a guy to SHOW he is just as interested with actual signs. Such as calling or texting me often; and alluding to being interested in me. I would need them to blatantly show that they were just as into me as I was them. Once they show me enough affection and attention, only then would I feel comfortable enough to throw things out there.....In a joking way I would be like, well, lets just date then haha. I may or may not directly ask them. I suppose that I feel if, a guy who I really had feelings for was not showing me anything BACK, as in your case, am I right? I would just either not hang around him often, or at all if I could not contain my romantic feelings. I know myself well enough to know that; if I am really falling for a guy, he better show signs he is into me too, and if he does not ask me out when I give him a clear signal that I am into him, then it is done. I am not sure what I would do after that; if I had feelings for a dude that did not like me back and did not ask me out to confirm it. I am not even sure I am the type of person who could get upset though, if they were not into me and showing me clear signs they liked me back, I find it hard to believe I would stick around and let myself fall for them. If I like someone... and they do not like me back and show SIGNS. I would not continue to be into them, it needs to feel like it goes both ways. Otherwise it is just a silly crush as far as I am concerned, from my end.
TaraMaiden Posted June 9, 2013 Posted June 9, 2013 Well at least I got my they're/their/there down pat. I was once involved with an *idiot* who did not know the difference between hear/here, the their/there's, or too/to Neither did the idiots friends, for the most part. Trust me on this one. There are mature aged adults who really are less adept than me with their spelling and grammar:lmao::lmao: I would classify myself as average. No, you're cool. You don't commonly make mistakes. Grammatical ones, that is..... 1
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