Obsessed With My Only Friend

[PlatonicGuy]

Hey everyone, hopefully I'm posting in the right section. I’m honestly not the kind of guy that pours his feelings out on a page so that strangers can give advice, but in this case I figure I’m out of options. And most of you seems like a thoughtful bunch, so why not. Just forewarning, this is going to be a really long post.

 

As for some background, I’m going to turn 19 this summer and will be leaving for college in a little over 2 months. I’m an extremely introverted person, and usually won't say more than a few words per day. However, I’m fairly well respected and will be going to an ivy league school with aspirations of becoming a doctor. Basically, I’m the silent smart guy.

 

I have zero friends and have never had any sort of intimate relationship (never been kissed, etc.). I’m actually a decently good looking guy – hopefully it’s not blasphemy for me to say that heh – but I’ve always preferred solitude. Being around people has always exhausted me, and although I never appear awkward or embarrassed in front of others, I do come off as being kinda terse and ‘not amused’.

 

What about the girl? Well, there has to be one of course or I wouldn’t be on here hah. For almost the past 4 years (2 years on a much more personal level) I’ve known this girl and we’ve had a … complicated friendship.

 

This girl has an amazing personality that people just love. She doesn’t ask for the spotlight, but she has a presence that people pay attention to. She is super fun and is not afraid at all to say what’s on her mind, which is part of what makes her funny and lovable. She’s fairly smart and can be quite wise and thoughtful when she feels the need to be more serious.

 

She is also stunningly beautiful (not so sound crude but a solid 9/10). She is also very feminine in both her personality and mannerisms, although she can relate to both guys and girls on many levels. She has several close friends, a couple of which she will be going to the same college with. She has also had 3 serious boyfriends in the time that I’ve known her. None of them worked out.

 

The two of us couldn’t be more different in most ways, and no one would ever guess that we’re actually extremely good friends, although in a ‘weird’ way. Many of you may criticize that the relationship I believe to exist is just imaginary based on what it’s been like so far. To put it bluntly, we’ve never hung out together in real life.

 

For these past years, we’ve built our friendship solely through chatting online and texting. While some months we’d only chat/text once a week or so, the vast majority of the time we’ve had conversations on a daily basis. Many days these convos have lasted hours and hours. I admit we’ve had a couple real life convos at school but they were fairly brief and nothing serious.

 

As of about 18 months ago we started sending each other videos every once in a while just talking about random things or in reply to certain topics. In the past couple months, we’ve graduated to speaking on the phone (I think 6 times so far) and it’s been okay I guess. I feel like she might be disappointed that I’m not as fun as I sound online although she says she doesn’t care about that (I on the other hand think she’s just being nice but I get so happy when I hear her voice heh).

 

We’ve had a lot of fun texting and such, playing around most of the time, although we’ve had plenty of deep convos as well. We both have opened up to each other on an extremely personal level, saying things we’ve never said to anyone else.

 

However, we are indeed platonic friends and she has even said this outright when we once had an argument. I forgot what precipitated it, but I said that I didn’t think she really cared all that much for me and would have plenty of her other friends she could talk to instead, and she replied that I couldn’t even fathom how much she “loved me platonically”.

 

I don’t pretend to think that we’re more than platonic friends. I always address her as dude, man, etc. in my convos and have never directly flirted with her. I honestly don’t want to be more than platonic friends either.

 

Here’s the problem. I’m totally obsessed with her. I think about her every moment of every day, no exaggeration. She’s my best and only friend, my source of fun and personal confidant. I can’t get her out of my head and it’s so impossibly distracting.

 

I’ve been planning to grind the books this summer, and for this past week in particular I’ve been failing miserably. I think about her almost all the time, and it has gotten exponentially worse recently. I know that she keeps herself busy and often hangs out with other friends, which frustrates me although I know it shouldn’t. I feel like some sort of jealous boyfriend.

 

I don’t know what to do at this point. It would be silly for me to ask her to hang out in real life since we’ll be going to opposite sides of the country in a couple months. I’ll admit that it was mainly my doing that we’ve never hung out in real life. She’s wanted to in the past but I adamantly refused to let it happen. I stupidly figured that my horrible social skills would ruin what we had. Now I really wish I’d let myself spend time with my friend.

 

Our relationship can continue as it always has however via texting and calling. But I don’t want this obsession of mine to keep consuming my every thought, particularly when I have to worry about all my college studies. I honestly don’t know what’s wrong with me.

 

Not to sound creepy, but I constantly check her facebook and other social network profiles. I instinctually glance at my phone literally every minute and I’ll often rewatch past videos she’s sent me. I know, it sounds messed up but I can’t help myself. She really is everything to me.

 

One moment in particular sticks in my head. A few months ago we were talking -maybe arguing or maybe having a deep convo I’m not sure – but she said that she has always thought that we were soul mates. She’s the kind of person that genuinely means what she says, and I’ve known that she has always cared about me on a deeper level. But, guys come on. Soul mates. My heart aches thinking about that.

 

So what should I do? Is this relationship unhealthy? Does it need to change or should it stop altogether? I really want to be able to get past this obsession that I have, especially since I want to make focusing on my studies a priority. However, this relationship really does mean a lot to me, and I’m not sure what’s right at this point. I’d really appreciate any advice.

[TaraMaiden]

If you're going to be a doctor, you are seriously going to have to improve your social skills.

You're going to have to interact with people on a regular basis, and deal with all manner of social situations: many good, some bad.

 

Hopefully, when you go away to continue your studies, you will be surrounded by many other like-minded students with the same vocational objective.

This will give you something in common with them.

Your circle will broaden, widen and you will have many things to occupy you.

 

You're obsessing over this girl, because you're obsessed with her.

 

That is to say, you're just creating a vicious circle.

 

You're very young, and if I may point to some research, you're not fully-cooked yet, so actually, you're having problems processing some things in a 'mature' way.

 

This is not insulting you, it's biology.

 

You may need to find a suitable distraction in the interim period.

 

Studying won't do it.

So as summer is coming up, it may be a good idea to consider going on a camping expedition, or just doing some exercise and body-building at a gym....

but you need to go beyond your four walls and quit closing yourself in on one train of thought.

 

What branch of medicine are you hoping to specialise in?

[iwanttobeagoodwoman]

I wasn't able to fully understand what you are more worried about; Losing your only friend (or source of fun as you put it), or losing a woman you are in love with (i'm not sure if obsession is love in your case, you know better)? You have to understand your feelings per se.

 

Deep inside, you think you are more of an introvert, or a shy extrovert? Do you miss having more good friends (let's say 2 more) and social-fun interactions? Or do you miss an intimate relationship with a girl (this girl you are describing)? You also seem to be kind of avoidant. I'm not criticising you, I was also struggling with that (I still am, but far less), and Campus has helped me a lot. You just need to practise your social skills. There are people who like you for you and not your social skills. One of those people, you have to realize, is this female friend of yours.

 

If I were you I would do this; For now I would try to keep communication and obsession away, since entering college is a big challenge. I would deactivate my social network accounts for some amount of time if it helped.

 

Then, I would wait a little bit to make a decision about how I feel for my friend, until I entered college.

 

[in College/University you meet many people and you become more social. It's okay to be a little awkward in the start, that's how some people are and no one will judge. I used to be a very awkward person, but this changes with time and through interactions/collaborations with people.]

 

Finally, you can reflect about your feelings, and hang out with her at least, either as a friend or a potential girlfriend. I mean, if you feel love for this person (friendly, romantic, whatever) why not pursue to maintain a closer relationship? No one will judge you. You are who you are, people will love you exactly the way you are, all the self-improvements you have to make will be for you, in order for you to feel best.

[PlatonicGuy]

@Tara

Yeah you’re right, my social skills really are lacking and I’ll need to improve them. I’m hoping that over the years I’ll be able to mature and learn how to make small talk. I will be volunteering on a regular basis at a hospital throughout college, so maybe that will help. It’s just hard to me to find things to talk about when it seems they don’t have purpose or substance.

 

Put me with other people doing a lab or project and I’m a little better at speaking up if necessary and if it revolves around the work. But if it’s for random small talk when everyone’s in a circle just chatting away, then I get uncomfortable and won’t say anything. I will say that in the few instances I’ve had one-on-ones I’ve actually been fairly comfortable and have spoken a bit. But yes, I’m far from where I need to be.

 

I really don’t know how to get out of the house. I exercise daily, but it’s a routine that doesn’t require equipment or the need to go to a gym. I know it seems like I might just be making excuses for myself, but I genuinely feel like studying the same textbooks for the classes I’ll be taking would be the most productive thing I could do this summer.

 

I have no idea what branch of medicine I’d want to practice. I don’t pretend to know what medicine really involves or the intricacies of each branch. At this point, I feel like my desire to go into medicine is as far into the future as I can predict.

 

I really appreciate the reply.

 

 

@iwanttobeagoodwoman

I’m worried about losing my only friend. I imagine it’d be silly for me to think I’m in love with her when I haven’t even really spent time with her in real life. I really do care about her so much, but I’m pretty sure that I’m just obsessed rather than in love. I guess I don’t understand my feelings, which is why I’m frustrated and am asking for advice heh.

 

I’m an introvert; I prefer having time to myself rather than spending it with other people. I know it seems at odds with my desired future profession, but I figure that I can compensate if necessary – I just wouldn’t be the chattiest doctor there hah. I can speak with confidence if necessary (which is rare), but at the present time I usually come off as sorta tense and without humor.

 

I’ve never had any friends, so I can’t compare this to any previous friendships since they don’t exist. I’d definitely miss the intimate friendship I have with this girl if I were to break it off. But I’m not sure if I want to do that. I do wish I hadn’t been so avoidant and had actually let her hang out with me though.

 

Are you saying that I should stop talking to her until I start college? That does seem to be one of the only options, but I know she’d freak out if I stopped. We’ve stopped talking for temporary periods a couple times before and it was pretty rough, although I did stop thinking about her as often as usual. I guess I don’t want to hurt her in any way if I was to do that, and I’m worried that it might not help regardless.

 

We’re going to different colleges that are on opposite sides of the country, so hanging out with her in the future isn’t going to happen. That’s part of why I’m concerned that this relationship is unhealthy and won’t change. I don’t want my distracting obsession to continue, particularly when my relationship with her would never manifest itself in a ‘real life’ friendship.

 

Thanks for the advice though. I don’t want to seem like a confused hermit stalker, but I guess that’s what it seems like. But I suppose if I stop talking to her for the time being, then I won’t be staring at my phone as often and can actually start to be productive.

[TaraMaiden]

I'm just thinking at a complete tangent here, but you sound like a considerate and sensitive person.

 

Think carefully about maybe specialising in tropical diseases, then volunteering overseas in 3rd world countries.

 

The world needs sympathetic medics.

It needs people who can be altruistic and giving, and who know how to have a good 'bedside manner'.

It won't be easy, or pleasant, but it WOULD make a difference. And very rewarding.

 

Just batting a ball back atcha....

 

I get your desire to study for this coming period, but similarly, you know what they say.... "All work and no play...."

[PlatonicGuy]

@Tara

That actually seems like a very real possibility for me. It sounds like an interesting specialty, and more importantly it would be nice to make a significant difference. It’s a difficult yet rewarding path to take as you said, and I’ll definitely keep it in mind.

 

 

I hope I don’t sound too selfish though if I bring it back to the issue I’m having with my friend. A few hours ago I couldn’t help but have another texting conversation with her that lasted ~90 minutes.

 

She sent me a video saying a few random/funny things, but then added that one of her friends had just texted her and that this friend wanted to hang out. So basically she left to spend time with this friend, and ended the conversation saying she would call me tonight.

 

For the past few hours I’ve been sitting here obsessing about her again. I obviously don’t blame her for having a social life, but I feel frustrated that my social life revolves only around her and I can’t say the same in the other direction. I tried to do some studying, but my mind wandered so easily. Pathetic, I know.

 

On one end I sound in charge of myself talking about my future endeavors as a doctor, and on the other end I really am lacking in maturity to be able to focus on anything but her again. I really feel confused, and I hope I don’t sound like I’m whining because of it.

 

I’d really like to know some exact advice on the best route to take. Should I really stop talking to her until college starts? How would I even do that? Just not answer the phone when she calls tonight? That definitely doesn’t sound like the mature thing to do, although I know she’ll be angry with me if I tell her that we should stop talking for a while.

 

She’d say that I was trying to sabotage my chances of being happy by cutting myself off from people/her. I know this since we’ve talked about my social issues that I have with her and others on several occasions.

 

If I knew a way to distract or occupy myself effectively, I really would try it. But at this point, I really don't know what to do. I’d really appreciate any final advice.

[TaraMaiden]

In your current situation, it's almost impossible for you to stop thinking about her in the way you do.

Obviously, discussing things on a forum, gives us no window to speak of, on your life....

Trouble is, there is no easy way around this.

 

You sound like a really nice guy, and no, I don't think you're whining.

If anything the subject slewed off-topic; that was your purpose for posting, after all....

 

Maybe if you were to tell her, this evening, exactly WHY you think perhaps it would be wise to reduce contact, she may be more understanding.

If she still gets irritated after that, then to be honest, you might like to consider that a red flag:

 

This would indicate self-interest and self-absorption. That is, she would be offended on part of her feelings on the matter, not concerned for yours.

That would be thoughtless, inconsiderate and frankly, selfish.

 

It would further indicate that she's flattered by your attention, but has no intention of reciprocating or changing the situation to accommodate or compensate for the lack of gratification on your part.

No compromise would smack of egotistical behaviour....

 

If conversely, she were to sympathise and be understanding, then I would be inclined to thank her, and tell her this isn't the end, but you need to get your head straight - and improve your social skills!

 

Then, you'd have to concentrate your mind on doing just that.

 

But let us know how it goes this evening.

[PlatonicGuy]

We ended up having a 3 hour conversation just joking around and talking about random things. Actually, she did almost all of the talking because I as usual can’t ever think of things to say. Eventually she said she had to go to sleep because she was planning to hang out with a couple friends tomorrow early in the morning.

 

I knew that I had to tell her right then about how distracted I’ve been all the time waiting to text/talk to her. So I asked her to not say anything and to just listen.

 

I explained that it may sound a bit weird but I haven’t been able to focus on anything including my studies, and have instead found myself glancing at my phone every minute. I said that I also check her facebook and other profiles often and find myself being a little obsessive thinking about her.

 

I said that I don’t know what’s wrong with me, but I think it would be best to not talk or text again at least until college starts which will be 10 weeks from now. I explained that I really needed to focus on my work and that I was frustrated about how distracted I was becoming.

 

Then I said goodnight, waited a few seconds, and hung up. I’m a little disappointed that I didn’t phrase some of what I said a little better especially since it sounded a bit creepy, but I was really nervous. I really should have explained how much she means to me, but I could barely even articulate my words through the rest of what I had to say.

 

I guess we’ll see how it goes. I miss her already heh. Thanks everyone, and I really appreciate your advice, Tara.

Edited June 10, 2013 by PlatonicGuy

[kazuma]

I would never be able to spill my guts like that so I applaud you. How did you feel after feeling her and how do you feel now that some time has passed?

[PlatonicGuy]

I felt really depressed and a little scared after I hung up. I was worried about the fact that I may have gone too far in my explanation of what I was going through, which would have made it too awkward to reconnect after 10 weeks. And I was of course sad that I would be cutting off contact with someone that I’m so close to.

 

I wish I could say that it has helped, but then I’d be lying. I guess it’s been only 6 days, although it feels more like a month. I’m still just as distracted as ever and I couldn’t help but check her online profiles a few times.

 

On one of her more private profiles (basically a diary), I saw that she posted about me a couple times although not by name. She ended one of the posts about me with “love you” and a post from last night with “I miss you”. She doesn’t know whether or not I’d read these posts.

 

Basically, I’m having an extremely difficult time here. I want to message her, but I know that’d be silly. I don’t want to keep complaining on these forums, but I felt that it would be a bit lame of me to leave your post unanswered. Nonetheless, I appreciate your curiosity on how things are going.

[WordvAction]

Dude, you made a great decision by taking a break from here, and then still check her profiles? That's like wondering why you haven't lost weight after replacing drinking 6 cakes a day with 12 sugar-free cakes; that's not how it works. You're not going to make any progress until you get rid of her completely, at least until you have new friends.

 

Also, you're in love with her, and heavily in the friendzone, but we'll get to this matter later on down the road when you're livin it up and bangin girls left and right in college. For now drop her like a bad habit; it sucks for both you and her, but it's necessary for both of you to learn and grow.