chris00 Posted June 9, 2013 Posted June 9, 2013 Hi, new to the forums. So I've been seeing a new girl. We've been together for about 7 months now. She's naturally really flirty and met some guy at a family party. He asked her out for drinks sometime and she said yes. Now, she just turned 19, which is the legal drinking age here so she's kinda naive to the whole bar scene. I'm kinda giving her the benefit of the doubt because of that, maybe she doesn't realize the guy is asking for a date that she just agreed to. After all, she told her friend about it while I was there so if she thought it was a date, she probably wouldn't have let me hear that. But can she be that naive to think the guy wasn't wanting a date? I'm conflicted on whether I should bring this up to her. I should also add that this "date" never ended up happening. He idiotically went up to her father unknowingly and asked about her....he wasn't too pleased. But the fact that it never happened is besides the point in my mind. He asked for a date, she said yes. Even if she didn't realize it. But since it didnt even happen and the fact that I'm not even sure if she knew it was a date, do I stir up the water sotospeak and possibly get into a fight about it? I like her a lot and trust her but I'm not gonna lie, I'm a bit of the jealous type and can sometimes overreact so I want some opinions.
USMCHokie Posted June 9, 2013 Posted June 9, 2013 I like her a lot and trust her but I'm not gonna lie, I'm a bit of the jealous type and can sometimes overreact so I want some opinions. I don't necessarily think this is a jealous reaction. There are only two instances I can think of where this is appropriate. (1) She asks you to come along, or (2) the guy is a friend she already knows and she tells you about the meet up. Though if (2) was the case, I don't see why she wouldn't do (1). I don't think it was naivety so much as craving and enjoying the attention.
Author chris00 Posted June 9, 2013 Author Posted June 9, 2013 Well she didn't ask me to come along and it was a guy she met that night. The fishy thing though was that she told me before about this night but only said there was a guy hitting on her. Then tonight we were out with one of her close friends and tells the story to her but adds that he asked her for drinks and she said yes. Maybe in that moment, she forgot I was there and just slipped up? Or maybe she just really didn't think it was a date? Not really sure what I should do because I like her and am scared I'm gonna mess things up. I kinda just passed over it during the conversation, playing it off like I didn't hear or didn't care. I never mentioned it or really acted differently so bringing it up the next day or a couple of days later is kinda random.
USMCHokie Posted June 9, 2013 Posted June 9, 2013 Not really sure what I should do because I like her and am scared I'm gonna mess things up. I kinda just passed over it during the conversation, playing it off like I didn't hear or didn't care. I never mentioned it or really acted differently so bringing it up the next day or a couple of days later is kinda random. Have you stopped to consider that she could mess things up? Don't be so quick to blame yourself for the actions of others. Are you abusive, inattentive, uncaring, or otherwise unloving? Stop putting her on a pedestal. She's not infallible. 3
Author chris00 Posted June 9, 2013 Author Posted June 9, 2013 (edited) You're right. I dunno, I've been out of the game for a few years and due to a few things have developed a pretty low self esteem during that time so maybe finally having someone who cares about me is warping my brain a little. But you're absolutely right. Edited June 9, 2013 by chris00
StanMusial Posted June 9, 2013 Posted June 9, 2013 Apparently she doesn't consider you to be her real bf. Otherwise she would've told the guy "no thanks, I have a bf." If you want to play the game, start asking random girls out so you'll have something to do while she's with the other guy. 4
aliveagain Posted June 9, 2013 Posted June 9, 2013 When two people are exclusive to each other they let others know that they are not available. When someone is looking to upgrade they accept dates. What good could possibly come from meeting someone she just met at a party for drinks? Alcohol, single man, your not invited, just where do you think this is going? She said yes, that alone should tell you everything you need to know, she's open to the idea, that's one really big red flag. Even if you never discussed boundary's, they are perceived, you protect each other from predators. Ask her how she'd feel if you asked someone you just met out for drinks without her? 2
k100danny Posted June 9, 2013 Posted June 9, 2013 I can think of only one way where this would have been acceptable, if it was in a group way such as weve enjoyed tonight if there were a group of them there and we should ALL do this again, otherwise it isn't acceptable, he hasn't done anything wrong unless he knows she has a boyfriend then it's not great of him. but yeah i would expect anyone in this situation to mention their boyfriend/girlfriend at this point.
Casablanca Posted June 9, 2013 Posted June 9, 2013 Talk with her about it, dont get mad and yell and accuse her of things. Have an adult conversation about it and why it makes you uncomfortable. Surely she can't be this naive right? She might have told the guy she has a boyfriend, which doesn't mean much for some guys, so she could be thinking that it is platonic because the guy knows she is seeing someone, but I'd imagine that isn't the guys intentions good luck OP, let us know how it goes...you have every right to be concerned 1
phineas Posted June 9, 2013 Posted June 9, 2013 I could say if a woman I was dating pulled this stunt i'd drop her but honestly, I don't think I would girlfriend up someone who was like this in the first place.
sweetheart5381 Posted June 9, 2013 Posted June 9, 2013 Imho this is totally unacceptable behaviour and she should know better. Perhaps she is looking for attention from you, testing your reaction, etc but that doesn't make it right. Don't tolerate others walking on you. Relationships are about respecting the other's feelings and she clearly has crossed a boundary with you. I would have an honest talk with her about it, let her know how it made you feel and why you feel that way. Nice and calm. Be prepared to walk, depending on how you feel about her response to your feelings. 1
Author chris00 Posted June 9, 2013 Author Posted June 9, 2013 So I took your advice and brought it up to her as calm as I could. She said she told the guy she had a bf beforehand. She also said she didn't actually have any intention of going out with the guy. She apparently knew he would ask around at the party, find out her age and drop it (she's 19, apparently the guy was like 30). Basically she was attention whoring, which is a whole nother discussion.
RedRobin Posted June 9, 2013 Posted June 9, 2013 So I took your advice and brought it up to her as calm as I could. She said she told the guy she had a bf beforehand. She also said she didn't actually have any intention of going out with the guy. She apparently knew he would ask around at the party, find out her age and drop it (she's 19, apparently the guy was like 30). Basically she was attention whoring, which is a whole nother discussion. ...or she is young and really bad at managing potential conflict and saying no. A lot of people do this... say yes when they are face-to-face, then find rather passive ways to back out after the fact. I'm a lot older than your GF and I do it occasionally when the situation calls for it. Rather than attention whoring (I hate that word...) I'd say her need to be viewed as a 'nice' person probably trumped her need to protect your relationship... which frankly, is only 7 months old. It's not like you are married. On the other hand, how people manage these things does impact quite a bit how things progress... or don't. I wouldn't be too hard on her. Sounds like you managed it well. If she keeps it up now that you've talked, that would be a problem. 2
sweetheart5381 Posted June 9, 2013 Posted June 9, 2013 So I took your advice and brought it up to her as calm as I could. She said she told the guy she had a bf beforehand. She also said she didn't actually have any intention of going out with the guy. She apparently knew he would ask around at the party, find out her age and drop it (she's 19, apparently the guy was like 30). Basically she was attention whoring, which is a whole nother discussion. Sounds like she was trying to be nice... however the fact that she told her friend and you at the same time is questionable. The fact that she led him on and let you know she did so, is even more troubling. If she knew that he wanted her, then she could have easily said no at the time. Easy peasy... hell they were in a bar, its real easy to make it clear that you are not available. I would have politely said "thanks, but no thanks, I'm taken". Easy and simple. It would save my bf getting upset about a situation he should never be upset about in the first place. Just sayin.
electricjw Posted June 10, 2013 Posted June 10, 2013 Yeah if she told him that she had a bf, and then she stills agree to go with him, then I would have to rethink the relationship. She said she has a bf, so then she should easily say no.
Xinreeki Posted June 10, 2013 Posted June 10, 2013 If its innocent then she won't mind if you go along with her, right? If instead she doesn't want you along, then yes you certainly have a right to voice your concerns about it and to tell her how it makes you feel.
shexy Posted June 10, 2013 Posted June 10, 2013 Nobody is THAT naive.....unless she's been living under a rock for 19 years and has never seen a television before in her life. Have the two of you had the talk about dating exclusively? Are you officially gf/bf?
MomsSpaghetti Posted June 10, 2013 Posted June 10, 2013 The fishy thing though was that she told me before about this night but only said there was a guy hitting on her. Then tonight we were out with one of her close friends and tells the story to her but adds that he asked her for drinks and she said yes. Yep, that is confirmation enough. You've got a girlfriend who interested in seeing other guys. What always puzzles me about the proverbial cheating threads is how the significant other planned on pulling the ruse off. In this case she was gonna have to lie about where she was and then sober up before returning to you and telling her bogus story about how she took so long to get back from the grocery store because of a flat tire or something.
Jon Tenzo Posted June 10, 2013 Posted June 10, 2013 Drop her like a hot buttermilk biscuit fresh off the baking pan. Or you are going to end up at the STD clinic with something from Dude 301 from down the road.
Author chris00 Posted June 10, 2013 Author Posted June 10, 2013 Have the two of you had the talk about dating exclusively? Are you officially gf/bf? Yes we have and yes we are officially bf/gf. She was even the one going on about how loyal she is and how much she hates cheating (she was cheated on in her last relationship). We get along really well and the chemistry is there. It FEELS like we could really work together in the long run. Which is why I'm more lenient to give her the benefit of the doubt here. Sounds like she was trying to be nice... however the fact that she told her friend and you at the same time is questionable. The fact that she led him on and let you know she did so, is even more troubling.. I know right?? It seems almost like a lose/lose situation here. If she was telling the truth that she wasn't actually intending to go out with him then I'm dating a manipulating girl who doesn't mind breaking a few hearts even if she was trying to be nice (either that or it was for her own amusement aka attention whoring like I said before). On the other hand, if she wasn't telling the truth and was actually intending to go out with him, then I'm dating a potential cheater. Any way you look at it, the situation doesn't portray her in a positive light. I'm leaning towards one of the first two though. The way her last relationship ended (her being the victim of cheating) and the way she talks about exclusivity, I don't really see her as a cheater. If she keeps it up now that you've talked, that would be a problem. I think this is the route I'm taking for now. Like I said, I really like her and by the way she acts and treats me, it seems like she really likes me too. We have a good thing going so I don't want to hastily kick her to the curb. But after this incident, I'm going to have to keep a close eye on her. If anything like this ever happens again, I'll have to cut her loose.
Mrlonelyone Posted June 10, 2013 Posted June 10, 2013 ...or she is young and really bad at managing potential conflict and saying no. A lot of people do this... say yes when they are face-to-face, then find rather passive ways to back out after the fact. I'm a lot older than your GF and I do it occasionally when the situation calls for it. Rather than attention whoring (I hate that word...) I'd say her need to be viewed as a 'nice' person probably trumped her need to protect your relationship... which frankly, is only 7 months old. It's not like you are married. On the other hand, how people manage these things does impact quite a bit how things progress... or don't. I wouldn't be too hard on her. Sounds like you managed it well. If she keeps it up now that you've talked, that would be a problem. This Your GF is 19 and being hit on by a 30 something she liked that attention. Take it from me as a 30 something involved with early-mid 20's women that's not a negative to a mature 19-21 year old. She would trade you for a 30 something who's $h1t is together, or cheat on you with them. She will be depending on your inexperience to give her cover. While you're thinking that a man with 10-15 extra years of resources and experience is a turn off...he will be ramming your woman then hand her back to you when he is done. Don't confront her, just date other women and play it casual.
InJest Posted June 10, 2013 Posted June 10, 2013 Rather than attention whoring (I hate that word...) I'd say her need to be viewed as a 'nice' person probably trumped her need to protect your relationship... which frankly, is only 7 months old.. Whether you like it or not, that's what she was doing, and that is what you are doing when you do act like this too.
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