Recently Moved In With Boyfriend - Struggling To Adjust

[Subject13]

Hello all, new one here. I'm posting because to be honest I don't have anyone I can talk to. I apologise it's long in advance. I tink this is the most appropriate forum to put this.

 

I've recently moved in with my boyfriend, recently being only 5 weeks. I love him and he means the world to me, just want to make that perfectly clear.*I appreciate it's very early days and I knew exactly what I was getting myself in to but I'm finding it very hard to settle in and a times I just feel incredibly down. We've been together two years and were previously in an LDR. I'll try and break this up and not get too bogged down in details.

 

I left my family and friends and moved over 200 miles away. I'm living in an area I'm not familiar and I've not got any friends. I gave up a pursuing a potential volunteering opportunity which may have lead to my dream career. I'm currently unemployed, I gave up a very well payed job which I thoroughly enjoyed and if I couldn't have gotten into my dream job I know I could have progressed there and I'd have been happy.*

 

I feel like I'm getting under my partners feet and getting in the way. I've moved into his place because we can't afford somewhere else at the moment but this means he's already established himself there and got everything he needs, I've brought nothing to add or have anything to make my mark there to show it's ours.*

 

On top of that we have a BDSM element to our relationship, him being the dom. I do enjoy it, it was how we got involved in the first place. We've not done much of that recently sexually (or anything sexually really for that matter) but more and more that seems to be slipping into our normal life. Him regularly making decisions to the point sometimes it feels I can't be trusted with something.

 

I'm trying to contribute by buying the shopping and keeping the place tidy and occasionally doing meals (due to his shift pattern at work) My partner has been very understanding, trying his best to help but his answer seems to be to take me out to dinner or the cinema but I would rather just stay in and watch tv. He seems to think money will solve it, I've told him I don't want him to feel like he has to take me out because I've not been able to do much but he tells me he wants to do it so we will. I appreciate it's hard for him too I really do, have to adjust to sharing his place with someone now and that it's not easy for him and he's finding his feet too. He is desperately trying to get me to talk, discuss and tell him how I feel but I have incredible difficulty opening up. I am really trying to work hard on it and I'm slowly improving but how do I tell him how I feel about this? I don't want him to think that I'm having regrets or that I'm blaming him and I think it's his fault. I don't know a way to word it in a way that doesn't worry him. I think he wouldn't take it that way necessarily but it's a worry I have.

 

I don't really have any particularly close friends to share this with and my mum only know a part of it. I don't really entirely know the reason for this. I guess I just needed to rant and get it out of my system a little bit. I really do love him, I wouldn't give up everything for just anyone and I know it was going to be hard but I'm struggling to cope. Thanks for reading if you managed this far.

[Nyla]

You have made huge changes which take far more than five weeks to get used to.

 

Do you live in a large city? There are usually social groups available.

[whichwayisup]

Hello all, new one here. I'm posting because to be honest I don't have anyone I can talk to. I apologise it's long in advance. I tink this is the most appropriate forum to put this.

 

I've recently moved in with my boyfriend, recently being only 5 weeks. I love him and he means the world to me, just want to make that perfectly clear.*I appreciate it's very early days and I knew exactly what I was getting myself in to but I'm finding it very hard to settle in and a times I just feel incredibly down. We've been together two years and were previously in an LDR. I'll try and break this up and not get too bogged down in details.

 

I left my family and friends and moved over 200 miles away. I'm living in an area I'm not familiar and I've not got any friends. I gave up a pursuing a potential volunteering opportunity which may have lead to my dream career. I'm currently unemployed, I gave up a very well payed job which I thoroughly enjoyed and if I couldn't have gotten into my dream job I know I could have progressed there and I'd have been happy.*

 

I feel like I'm getting under my partners feet and getting in the way. I've moved into his place because we can't afford somewhere else at the moment but this means he's already established himself there and got everything he needs, I've brought nothing to add or have anything to make my mark there to show it's ours.*

 

On top of that we have a BDSM element to our relationship, him being the dom. I do enjoy it, it was how we got involved in the first place. We've not done much of that recently sexually (or anything sexually really for that matter) but more and more that seems to be slipping into our normal life. Him regularly making decisions to the point sometimes it feels I can't be trusted with something.

 

I'm trying to contribute by buying the shopping and keeping the place tidy and occasionally doing meals (due to his shift pattern at work) My partner has been very understanding, trying his best to help but his answer seems to be to take me out to dinner or the cinema but I would rather just stay in and watch tv. He seems to think money will solve it, I've told him I don't want him to feel like he has to take me out because I've not been able to do much but he tells me he wants to do it so we will. I appreciate it's hard for him too I really do, have to adjust to sharing his place with someone now and that it's not easy for him and he's finding his feet too. He is desperately trying to get me to talk, discuss and tell him how I feel but I have incredible difficulty opening up. I am really trying to work hard on it and I'm slowly improving but how do I tell him how I feel about this? I don't want him to think that I'm having regrets or that I'm blaming him and I think it's his fault. I don't know a way to word it in a way that doesn't worry him. I think he wouldn't take it that way necessarily but it's a worry I have.

 

I don't really have any particularly close friends to share this with and my mum only know a part of it. I don't really entirely know the reason for this. I guess I just needed to rant and get it out of my system a little bit. I really do love him, I wouldn't give up everything for just anyone and I know it was going to be hard but I'm struggling to cope. Thanks for reading if you managed this far.

 

Print this out and show it to him. Or another version of this but make the points you made above.

 

It's not easy moving in with someone, especially since you don't know anybody, are far away from your family and friends, you gave up a possible career opportunity too - Or a lead that could help you get there. You've given up a lot. I can understand it feeling more like 'his' place rather than it being 'our' place (meaning you and him). Maybe let him know that you'd like to paint a room, make it different?

 

Have you started looking for another job? Joined a group or maybe take a course just so you are meeting new people?

 

Also, there's nothing wrong with staying in and cuddling, watching tv and having a nice dinner at home.

 

With time, things will adjust nicely, it just happens! Each of you have to be comfortable to spend time together, BE together at times but also back off and just 'be' in the same place but not BE together, if that makes any sense. It's okay to do your own thing and he does his own thing at home.