Saw him last night and feel miserable - how do I not break NC?

[ottoline]

The breakup happened 2 months ago and I've had a really hard time with NC so the last time I talked to him was Wednesday. I guess that's nothing but it is a struggle every single second not to call him...especially now. (more details: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/399622-devastated-over-loss-first-love)

 

I was having a really nice time last night, dancing with my girlfriends and then I look over and see him at this party. I just freeze and probably looked visually upset and then I just continued dancing. He came over and said hi with some term of endearment I can't remember and grabbed my waist and the waist of my friend somewhat affectionately, and then asked how the concert was that we went to. I either said nothing or just "hi" and my friend did all the talking and then basically enveloped me in a hug to shield me from him! Then I ignored him for a bit...trying to dance and looking like I was having a good time but there were a couple times where I know I must've looked very very upset. I remember just thinking (and sometimes saying) 'oh my god oh my god' and then just going to another friend and hugging her for a long time. I ran right by him to the bathroom, dragging my friend behind me, and then hid in there for a little bit. And then when I got back out he was gone. I don't know if I handled this situation very well. Maybe I should've just talked to him.

 

His former friend talked to me after (I guess they ditched him) about how much he wanted to kiss me because he thought I was beautiful and out of spite for my ex. I didn't do it. I just want to call my ex and tell him about that and how messed up that was. I want to call him and talk to him about most things, still.

 

My last contact with him was that I wrote him a long email about how I loved him so much and wanted to be with him and only him. He responded that he had been wanting to hear that for so long but now it only makes him cry. He said he loves me soooo much but he's not ready to come running back to me although he wants to, and that we need to take some time. He wants to pursue a relationship with his new girlfriend. I thought that I had said everything I wanted to say and that it would be a good time to really try this NC thing. Last night ruined everything and I'm scared that I acted immaturely and all I want to do is call him and see how he feels. It was the first time I've ever seen him when we haven't been lovey dovey and close. I've been feeling this awful pain in my chest ever since that won't go away. Sometimes I feel like the only way to make that feeling go away is to call him. I just really want it to go away and I don't know how to be strong! I just love him so much and he's the only person I've ever loved and I can't imagine ever loving anyone else.

[BC1980]

You know how awful you feel right now? Imagine that magnified by 10. Yep, that's what it will feel like to break NC.

 

Now, do you really want to break NC? I didn't think so.

 

It's like a habit. It gets easier to say no each time.

Edited June 8, 2013 by BC1980