telling guy i'm dating about herpes contracted from ex b/f (PLEASE HELP)

[lostinlove0479]

About 4 months ago I broke up with my b/f after finding out he had been not only cheating on me with his ex-girl but he hid the fact that he had been infected with herpes years ago. I was infected with herpes as well. But, he didn't admit giving it to me until I found out that he was cheating and confronted him about it enlight of his deception. About a month after we broke up I met another guy who works with me and we began talking on the phone. A month later, we went out on a date and had a great time. We've been dating ever since. And we are really into eachother. We have not had any type of sexual intimacy b/c I needed time to get over my previous relationship and to get my trust issues with men back on my own. My current love interest is a wonderful guy. I never imagined our relationship to be the way it has become. He is everything plus more that my ex was not, morally. He isn't rushing me into having sex. But the desire is there for both of us. I am glad he's allowed us to get to know eachother before taking the relationship there. My problem is telling him about my std. I have cried, am crying as I type this, everytime I think about telling him. I want to tell him soon, not only so he know off top, but for my own health. I have been stressing big time over this because I'm afraid he may not want to continue to see me or take our relationship further. He seems to really like me alot. Okay, he does...because he constantly tells me how he feels. The feelings are obviously mutual. But, I can't help but be afraid. If there are any men out there I would definitely like to hear from you. How would you handle a situation like this? Everything is great between us and I really think we'll be a couple soon. But, I want to tell him before we get there, of course. There is definite long term potential. PLEASE GIVE ME SOME FEEDBACK!!

 

Thanks,

LostInLove004

[mj108]

How long have you and this guy been going out?

[lostinlove0479]

a little over 3 months

[mj108]

If the relationship with him is serious---yes I think you should talk about it. I know it's hard but if you don't talk to him then it's going to be on your mind/heart to tell him & it will drive you crazy. If he truly--deeply--loves you, he will not leave & he will accept it. I know a friend that has it & it concerned her the same way.....it basically hurt her...cause she was 'hurting' to tell him but was so shy & she didn't know how to approach it. Well, she did---& told him about it---& now they are married because he loved her. She told me that he told her that it showed loyalty/devotion/honesty on her part & that's what made him love her more. You just have to get the courage. I know it's hard but you know deep inside your heart..you've got to do it. Stay strong!

[Mr Spock]

Yes, you're going to have to tell him. Better BEFORE you do the nasty than after-there is NO WAY to make it sound any better than "Hey!! I have Herpes!!!

 

So get it over with. If you don't feel you can trust him with that knowledge, don't date him anymore.

[dizi]

I think one of the most important things you can do is inform yourself as much as you can and get information together-from books, web sites, your doctor, etc., before you bring it up to him. A lot of people are misinformed about the disease and don't understand that there are ways to protect yourself, and there is medication out there-while it won't cure it, it will make the break-outs less frequent. Don't let it discourage you...Many people live with it and have happy, loving relationships. If this guy is sooo wonderful, he will understand how hard it has been for you to tell him. Like I said, though-make sure you have plenty of information to present to him so that if he has questions you'll be able to answer him. And yes, make sure you tell him before you do anything sexual with him. And don't wait too long to tell him, either...he has to know he can trust you...and it will ease your mind...I wish you all the luck in the world

[snilljente]

Lostinlove...please let us know how it is going..I too have Herpes and want to know how to handle telling someone I care about.....please share if you don't mind. thanks

[emmy lou]

Originally posted by Mr Spock

Yes, you're going to have to tell him. Better BEFORE you do the nasty than after-there is NO WAY to make it sound any better than "Hey!! I have Herpes!!!

 

Puhlease. You're making it sound like there's no way to have a dialogue about it. A person doesn't have to blurt out "I HAVE HERPES!" to their partner. First of all, Herpes isn't the end of the world - for most people it's a minor annoyance that flares up from time to time. It's not a death sentence..nor does it mean a person who has it will have to live a life of loneliness and celibacy.

 

I got it from my first boyfriend back in 87. I was a virgin and supposedly he was too, well obviously he wasn't. He'd been cheating. He actually had the audacity after I was diagnosed (which was a nightmare for me because I felt like God was punishing me for not waiting for marriage to have sex, which I of course no longer believe - but hey, I grew up in a strict Catholic home) to try and blame me for contracting it. It was definitely from him as I found out from his brother's girlfriend (one of my close friends) after we'd broken up that he knew about it all along and didn't tell me.

 

He was very mean and abusive to me, verbally and mentally. A real pig, but I stayed with him far longer than I should have because I didn't think I'd ever find anyone who'd want to be with me, because of "H". But I couldn't have been more wrong.

 

I've gone on, over these past 17 yrs, to have a great dating life. I've always "told" prior to getting intimate and nobody has ever dumped me because of it. I used to find the only way I could do it was wait until the relationship seemed solid and was going somewhere, then write them a "letter" (because I didn't know how to sit there and tell them "this" face to face).....it was not bad (telling) as I'd envisioned it to be. I remember one guy saying to me, "God, when you told me you had something to tell me, I feared it was something like you had cancer - this is nothing."

 

I became as informed as I could, got a book on it, and was very open in sharing information and inviting them to read the book themself. There's a really good book out there now, I believe it's called "The Truth about Herpes" that I'm sure can be ordered online.

 

I had a very mild case. I only had 2 small outbreaks over the past 17 yrs. I was paranoid, though, everytime I'd get a yeast infection and was "sore" down there, I'd run to the doctor and have them test for a herpes outbreak, it never was. I have had a normal sex life......nobody ever contracted it from me, this I know as my past relationships were always long term and we'd made the decision after it was certain our relationship was totally exclusive and serious not to use condoms. Now each person's case is different but it's said that if you have few outbreaks, they lessen and lessen over the years. Of course there is "asymptomatic shedding" of the virus..where you can transmit it when you're not having symptoms - but the longer you go between outbreaks, the less asympt. shedding of the virus will occur, this is based on scientific studies.

 

All these years later, even though I've had no problems, I still "tell" to a partner prior to sex, because I feel that's how I'd want it if the tables were turned. Honesty has to be the foundation of a relationship. Now I'm to the point where I don't have to write a letter, but many people still do it that way.

 

There is a great website that was a lot of support to me and many others......on dealing/living with H. Here it is:

 

http://www.racoon.com/herpes/

 

Check out the "Support" forums there......where you can communicate with others who are in the same boat or have BEEN in the same boat.

 

Today there's suppressive medications like Valtrex etc..that can reduce the severity and frequency of outbreaks. There's much more available now than their was 20 yrs ago.

 

Herpes is not the end of the world. It's one of the 2nd most common non-curable STDs out there. Millions of people have it and don't even know it.

 

There's even Dating sites for people who have Herpes (do a search on Google for: Antopia Dating) and youll find one of the largest dating sites around).

 

Hope this helps.

[snilljente]

Yes, thank you...the information you shared definitely helps...yes, funny how when you go back and ask your partner...they swear they didn't give it to you...Oh well, I am beyond pointing fingers, I just want to move forward. I went on Valtrex from Day 1 because I want to avoid any further outbreaks and my doctor said it was safe to do so long term....it upsets my stomach a little, but nothing more....my thinking about going on it from the beginning was to avoid the asymtomatic shedding....am I correct when I believe that this shedding only occurs for a certain # of days after an outbreak...so if you have gone months, years without an outbreak, chances of any asymptomatic shedding occuring is almost 0? Thanks for your help.

[emmy lou]

it is my understanding (and you may want to confirm this by checking out the site I posted the link to above - folks there are very knowledgable and they can answer questoins about asympt. shedding and direct you to good resources w/ info on it) that the longer a person goes between outbreaks, the less chance of asymptomatic shedding (shedding the virus without actual symptoms of the virus being active)...but of course, there's no way to know for sure if you're shedding or not. I do know only for myself (and each person is different) that I've never given it to any boyfriend I had. Go to the Herpes website and ask these questions, you'll get more comprehensive current info that I'm likely given.

[lostinlove0479]

Oh my God! I love this site. I'm just getting your responses but I truly appreciated reading them. I should've posted an update but about 3 weeks ago I told my friend. And he was great. Very supportive. I was so afraid and I think because I kept procrastinating what I wanted to say, when I finally said, he was like "Oh. That's it?" He even told me that I could've told him a long time before I did. He understood and said that things were no different between us. Three weeks later, our relationship has not changed and for me it has gotten better. I think I had held back alot emotionally because I wasn't sure how he'd react when I told him. Immediately after I told him, I felt 10x's lighter. Now, I think I've really let go and I'm loving every minute even more than before. We still are taking the slow route. Which I appreciate from him. After my previous relationship, I just want to fall in love and know that it's not about the physical. I'm certain that this relationship will be around for a while and I'm so very excited about it. He is the best, not just because of how he handled this, but so much more. I always heard about good men, but I've never had one (and I feel safe in saying that he is)of my own. I try to think of it like this, "I know I'm a good woman. Never cheated or thought about it. I'm as real as they come." Why wouldn't there be men out there who think on the same page as I do? My honey's not perfect but he's definitely a beautiful work of art in all areas. In one of the previous responses, one of you ladies said that you feared leaving ur b/f because u thought no one else would want you. Wrong!!! I never felt that way, but I almost ended things with my current guy because I feared the rejection. Think of what I'd be missing b/c of fear. Don't even think it to be true. This one thing does not ruin you or even define you. It is something you have to deal with and love can be yours if you believe that. I'm rambling now...sorry.

 

I had been having outbreaks alot because I was so stressed about telling him. And I mean I was mega stressed. I had gotten to the point where I was crying when I'd think about how he might react. I've been outbreak free for the past few weeks. Hopefully, it'll stay this way. I thank you guys again.

[lostinlove0479]

I think it is a shame how a person could know that they have an std, a contagious one at that! And not tell someone. I understand the rationale but I don't understand the morale in it. It is extremely hard to tell this to a person your seeing. My personal analyzation on it was that he didn't need to know while in the beginning but when I could tell he was really into me and vice versa I knew it was time. Beyond any sexual desires, I had to let him choose. I, unfortunately was not given the same opportunity. I've visited many sites and this seems to be common. I entertained the thought of staying and forgiving my ex, but as I fast forward to the present, I'm glad that I didn't. I can see the lesson in this for me and I think I serve as an example to those around me. I have a greater appreciation for alot of things. Things happen to you in life that are hard to deal with, but they are so hard because they are placed there for a larger impact on the type of person I will be in the future. Staying with my ex, would have been a mistake. And I fear anyone in this situation who stays is making a mistake. Think about the mindframe of a person who could be so selfish to put their wants and needs before their suppossed love! Do not settle. It's not worth it. Learn the lesson and move on. It's hard to leave those things that have grown comfortable to us, but the only thing constant in life is change. Remember that. I don't know why I'm writing this (I just felt compelled to say this)but maybe these words will provide clarity for someone. I'd like to think someone's angel is asking me to put this in writing. I'm speaking what I know because I'm living these words. Be strong. Be courageous.

 

lostinlove

[dizi]

Awww! I'm so happy for you! See, it wasn't so bad! And you have a new lease on life to boot~ CONGRATS!!!

[DJ_Dork]

I don't date people who have STDS. Please note those who are infected. Don't you care about "REDUCING STDS" overall rather than "living it" There's nothing wrong about putting a huge wall against your kind, I want to live clean.

[Vicereine]

Wow how rude. While opinions should be allowed to be said, I think that was rather harsh especially in her situation, and should've been kept to yourself or said in a nicer manner at least! "your kind" "live clean", how degrading.

 

Personally I could see it being a challenge, I mean no one wants to risk catching them from someone, but I think it's terrible to just discard someone like that. It's not like she was the one who slept around and cheated while not using protection, it was her cheating ex that gave it to her.

[snilljente]

DJ Dork.....wow, you don't sound like the most educated person out there....your ignorance and insensitivity definitely came through on that response....of course, no one wants to spread STDs...that's why it is important for all of us to practice safe sex......by the way, many people with STDs don't know they have them...so they continue spreading them without knowing it....so, when you stick to "your kind" remember that some of "your kind" could very easily be giving you an STD.

[dizi]

DJ Dork~

 

 

You know, this gal came here looking for support. She didn't ASK for this disease. No one does. You may end up dating someone who DOES have a disease, and they might not tell you. With your attitude, it would just be your luck. Of course, she probably doesn't WANT to spread it around! But YES, DORK, she DOES have to live with it for the rest of her life, but it doesn't mean she needs to stop enjoying life, either. You know, 4 out of 5 people have herpes...so, watch out, DORK. You could be next.

[lostinlove0479]

Well DJ Dork since your opinion was so strong against "my kind", I will inform your sheltered mindset on reality. I applaud your effort in not spreading std's...how great of you. (that was most sarcastic) The reality is this. I can not speak on anyother std but I can speak on herpes. There are many men and women of all ethnicities and of all ages walking around spreading herpes to others and they don't even know they, themselves have it. Then there is another large group of people, who because of people like you who will outcast them from society because of an std will not disclose such information. And you will fall in love with him/her and have unprotected sex with them and they may tell you before or later and if it's later, you may have it already.

 

You must be young in age and obviously in mind. You must lack experience in love. I assume this about you DJ Dork because love is blind. It sees beyond any thing measurable or identifiable by the eye. In most people's sexual lifetime they will unfortunately be diagnosed with some type of std (curable or noncurable).

 

My fear for my boyfriend was that he might think like you. Thank God he's more mature than that. Unfortunately, in this day and age the only sure fire way to "live clean" is abstinence. Condoms are no guarantee for anyone. You can't tell by looking at a person, and even sadder having a sexual discussion may or may not tell you the truth about your partner/mate.

 

It is your right to live the way you want to live. I believe that as well. Trust me this was no choice of mine and I'm sure most that have it. The Herpes fanclub was not one I chose to join. But, this doesn't define me as a person. And it does not begin or end me. I am a beautiful person, inside and out. Having this has humbled me in alot of ways. Because it is morally right. I gave my friend a choice. I was not given a choice, my ex made it for me. Your posting does not hurt me, I don't even find it as an insult. You are so uninformed, immature and uneducated it is ridiculous. If you were more knowledgeable about herpes and other std's you may not have the view that you do. I've found in my 25 years that people with strong opinions know little to nothing about what they protest as truth. I wish you good luck in staying std free.