freebird Posted October 9, 2004 Posted October 9, 2004 I need help!! This board has offered me comfort and solace before and I'm turning to it again. My question for all you wise people, is when is it time to end a friendship? I have been friends with someone I met while in school, we never really talked much until this past year. She is very selfish and closed off at times, yet she is a sweet person if that makes sense. She recently started dating this guy who is very mentally abusive towards her and has done nothing but make her cry - and this has gone on for months - but, being a good friend - loving, loyal - I've stuck it thru with her - always listening to her and giving her advice when needed. The friendship became very lopsided with me giving alot more than receiving. Not that I have to get back something to be a good friend, but it would be nice to have an EQUAL friendship. All this hell went on for months - her self-esteem was low, she always talked about what she needed and if I needed anything, it was always sort of thrown to the side. She says she tries to be there when she can and I believe her. I have been the only friend she's had - who she could turn to and soon, I seemed to be giving her advice almost daily. something I do not like to do - but it always ended up that way. Now that she seems to be finding her own voice and seeing that the guy she dated is using her - she seems to have all this anger within her. TOday, when she called me - it wasn't even to say hi or thank you for the birthday present, but to STOP lecturing her and that I don't respect her and that I Don't listen to her - when, all I've done for her all this year is EXACTLY that!! It pissed me off and I told her I felt angry and offended that she could even say these things since she only seems to call when she needs something - her comments about how she feels towards me throw me for a loop and I end up getting hurt since the whole time, I've done nothing but be her friend and listen and love her. I have not had to deal with this type of person in AGES - my inner gut keeps saying to let the friendship go - should I now follow this? I am a truly nice person, always tried to put myself in her shoes etc...I'm just not sure we are compatible - what do you all say? I think most of the time I feel bad with her than good - this must be a sign. Would you end this friendship - nicely but end it? Thanks for the input!!
Mr Spock Posted October 9, 2004 Posted October 9, 2004 You are in a situation where she takes, and you give. So stop that situation. Doesn't mean you have to swear off friendship-but if she calls to talk about HER tell her you have to run and will chat another time. Don't allow her to use you. Don't offer advice. Listen, if needed, but make no comment until you hear her ask WHAT DO YOU THINK.
Author freebird Posted October 9, 2004 Author Posted October 9, 2004 I read your post to Angelpie Mr. Spock, and I was hoping YOU would be one of the people to reply. Your advice seems so perfect, it's what I should do and know what I should do - and am GOING to do, but don't you think in the end, the friendship will just fizzle? Okay by me at this point - I just believe in bad karma, not wanting to you know, end a friendship badly - do you think I should talk with her about the semi-argument we got into and suggest we take our friendship down a notch to - half friends, half acquaintence? I don't think she is a bad person, but honestly, have not had to deal with such ambiguity in a person. More advice please?! IF you were around, I'd buy you a beer!
Mr Spock Posted October 9, 2004 Posted October 9, 2004 There comes a point in time where these kinds of friendships start to really push the fine point of being a caring person and looking out for your own best interests. What do you get out of this friendship? There are people that constantly throw drama fits and are always crying or raging because they KNOW their friends are the ones who get their kicks by soothing them, calming them-it makes them both the centre of attention. I don't think you're like that. Are you? What you need to do now is start looking out for yourself. Not so much calling her up and stating "You are leeching off me emotionally" but making yourself less available. Let your voicemail screen her calls. If she doesn't have anything good to say, don't return those calls. It would be a mistake with this person to actually state you're bumping things down a notch (she's so ambiguous-let her figure it out) and that WOULD affect the freindship in a negative way. Only allow her to be postive around you. If she starts talking about her drama crap life, listen politely for a few minutes then make your excuses. If she REALLY starts to go on, direct the conversation towards you. It's not hard to do. Sometimes it can be a kindness, to make someone try to figure out their problems on their own.
Author freebird Posted October 9, 2004 Author Posted October 9, 2004 There are people that constantly throw drama fits and are always crying or raging because they KNOW their friends are the ones who get their kicks by soothing them, calming them-it makes them both the centre of attention. GEEZ! I never thought of it like that! I 'm always exhausted after talking with her, I hope I don't have this deep unknow passion to WANT to help her so I Can be the center of attention. You know, that is really worth something to think about. Another question: What would you do about people, like her, who you really thought, all this time, because THEY TELL YOU that you are the best friend, thank you, blah blah for the advice etc...then all of a sudden, because they start feeling better about themselves they just slam you with, and out of the blue - you don't respect me, stop lecturing me etc...would you just blow them off? She also had a plan to come on a vacation with me - now I'm not so sure this is a a good idea - she is so issue ridden!! She is the type that holds grudges secretly, rather than tell you then all of a sudden you're surprised by her comments - I don't want this, don't need to deal with this - but for some reason, why am I scared to just let her go? Am I too nice? Do I have abandonment issues? What WOULD YOU HONESTLY DO. HAs this happened to you before?!! I love your advice! you should write for a column! Wish you lived down the road! I could use a good friend.
Mr Spock Posted October 9, 2004 Posted October 9, 2004 I'm not sure. I'm no expert. Chances are, now that she's up a bit emotionally she's embarassed that she was leaning on you so heavily....or she's looking to blame old problems on you. Being the advice giver can be a double edged knife sometimes. Is she really that important to you? You mentioned she had no other friends. Do you? I wouldn't blow her concerns off. You've told her what you think-Now, take a step back. She's accused you of lecturing and being heavy handed. Don't OFFER that kind of support towards her anymore. If she's really having a bad time, and you FEEL like listening, do so-but don't offer your thoughts unless asked. If she wants to go shoe shopping, fine, but if she needs help let her pay for a psychologist she can pour her heart out to. You're not getting the same service in return-it's not true friendship. You should do this without actually telling her you're doing it-don't give her any more opportunity to resent you.
Mr Spock Posted October 9, 2004 Posted October 9, 2004 PS-It doesn't sound like you'd be having much fun on the vacation. Keep YOUR plans to go-let her do what she will.
Author freebird Posted October 9, 2004 Author Posted October 9, 2004 Thanks Mr. Spock!! I think you are right. I actually spoke with her this morning and after getting a lot out and clearing the air - it was what you said! To the tee!! You sure you aren't a Psychologist?! ~ Anyway, I told her unless she asks me for advice - I'm remaining silent. Eventually, I will probably taper off the contact. We are on better terms, but from what you told me last night and what I learned today and the thoughts you gave me...this is a lesson I shall not forget!
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