Infomercials Posted June 8, 2013 Posted June 8, 2013 Hi all, I've been on and off these forums for about three years, and sadly, it's been all about the same guy. He's treated me badly, he's loved me well, and it's been such a whirlwind of highs and lows for six years that I'm completely lost. I need serious help. First, here’s why I’ve stayed. I believe that he’s my soulmate. When he and I met at thirteen, as crazy as it sounds, I knew he and I were supposed to be together forever. It was like a piece of my heart had always been missing, and my soul recognized something in him. When he and I are together, it’s like my life is complete. Even when we’re not physically together, the strength of our love can get me through anything. When we’re together and things are good, I’m the center of his world. I feel complete, I feel okay. However, there are also lots of times when things are bad. I lie to myself. I blame myself for everything that’s gone wrong. Although I’ve done things wrong, they pale in comparison to what he’s done. I’m so used to making excuses for him. I minimize his faults and his mistakes and maximize my own. I love him unconditionally. He’s done so many things that have either hurt me or been things I don’t agree with. I’m in love with his potential--the person he could be. He has more love to give than anyone else I’ve ever seen in my life, but he’s been so damaged that he doesn’t know how to really be with someone without causing pain. He’s been on drugs, he’s lied to me extensively, he’s hidden things from me. He’s broken up with me several times only to come back a few weeks or months later to beg for me back. He’s had an emotional affair (while we were engaged and planning our wedding), and he ended up leaving me for her. Then, he left her for me because, as he tells me, he really loves me more. After they’d slept together (and he’d cheated on her with me...though I didn’t know it because he kept her a secret). I’m first in his heart and everything, he says. He wanted me to start wearing my engagement ring again--I didn’t.Three weeks later (about a week ago), he left me for her again. He won’t admit to it, but he wants me hanging on so that when he’s “ready” again, I’ll still be here waiting. The smaller things: he’s lazy, he’s unmotivated (though he does feel bad about it). He wouldn’t even take out the damn trash when I did everything else in the apartment we shared. He’d stay up until 4-5 A.M. (he did work late, but not THAT late) hanging out with his friends almost every night. Almost every night he had free, he spent with his friends, or more recently, smoking pot with his new girl while lying to me about where he was and who he was with. He doesn’t take responsibility for anything. He tells me he thinks we’re soulmates, but that we “met too soon.” He tells me that he thinks we’ll be together again someday, and he wants to remain friends. He got into a car accident the other night, and I was the one he called first, not her. He said he “thought I would want to know,” but really, I know he wanted to be reminded that I love and care about him. I’ve told him several times that he can’t have it both ways...I need to either be everything or nothing to him, but I’m having trouble sticking to it. Again, I keep making excuses and blaming myself. He wants to stay in “our” apartment. I don’t want him to, but I haven’t been able to say no. I want to stop wanting him. I want to stop feeling like my life isn’t worth anything without him. Objectively, I am a person that people should want to be with. I should be treated better than this. I feel like I deserve this treatment. I don’t want to be first in his heart and second in his life. I want to move forward, but I feel stuck. If you’ve read Wuthering Heights, I feel like Cathy. Like he’s my Heathcliff and we’re going to destroy each other. I want to escape and although I’ve thought about that in the literal sense, I don’t want that. I want to move forward, find someone who loves me like I deserve (though deep down I know I just want him to become that person), and I want to have children. I have goals. I just want to know why none of them seem to matter when I don’t have him. I’m trying to follow the idea that: if you love someone, let them go. If they come back to you, they were always yours. If they don’t, they never were....But he always comes back. He’ll come back again, and he’ll hurt me. But I keep hoping he won’t. One thing I need from you all: I need some parameters. I need to know what to tell him about my conditions for taking him back because he WILL come back at some point. If I don’t have help with this, I know I’ll let him back no matter what. I need help to have strength. I apologize for the length and truly appreciate any help you can give. A quote from the book that is completely how I feel: “If all else perished, and he remained, I should still continue to be; and if all else remained, and he were annihilated, the universe would turn to a mighty stranger.” ― Emily Brontë, Wuthering Heights
Appleness Posted June 8, 2013 Posted June 8, 2013 Never ever EVER bet on potential. There isn't (and shouldn't be) "unconditional love" for another person. The only person in this world who you should love unconditionally is yourself. If you are going to invest time, effort, sweat, and money on, invest in yourself. You are the only person who has been with you since you were born and the only person you can count on to be there with you when you die. You know yourself the best; what your favorite food and colors are, what makes you feel beautiful and what your deepest secrets are. And yet despite all that, you aren't in love with yourself. This guy clearly does not love you. You shouldn't need him to be complete, you should work on being happy and content on your own. If you are not a whole person to begin with, no one can ever fill that void, at least not completely and definitely 100% of the time. In reading your story, you say lots of the same things I said myself during my on-again-off-again relationship. I also didn't love myself because I assumed that if he saw how much I loved him and how we were meant to be, he's eventually come around to being that guy he was I first fell in love with. I put him first and gave him what I thought was unconditional love because I thought one day, he'd be moved and realize how much effort it took out of me to always be there for him, no matter what. Guess what? This chapter does not have a happy ending. I was essentially a doormat for him and instead of cherishing me, I was humiliated and ultimately it took all my courage (along with all the advice that people gave me here of LS) to rid myself of this toxic relationship. Read Natalie Lue's "Mr. Unavailable and the Fallback Girl" or go on her site here if you want to read for free. I think once you started, you'll start seeing how what you're doing is really what's pushing him away. Don't buy into the whole soulmate thing. Anyone who is special and is your soulmate would never hurt you. He's not the man for you. Not now, now like this, with all the laziness and cheating and the lies. You deserve better. Change your way of thinking about yourself and tell yourself "I want a man who will love me properly." Don't wait for someone else to validate your existence. Take charge of your own life if you aren't happy with something. Good luck! 1
Author Infomercials Posted June 8, 2013 Author Posted June 8, 2013 Thank you -- It's all stuff that I know, but I can't seem to get myself to believe. That's what I'm struggling with the most right now. I believe that, in his way, he does love me. However, it's not anything close to the way I deserve. I guess I'm just trying to figure out how I get my heart caught up to what my head pretty much knows. I've told one of my friends most of this, and she always says, "you know how crazy you sound, right?" And I do, I really do. I don't want to be this person. I just don't know how not to be this person.
swimswithjeans Posted June 10, 2013 Posted June 10, 2013 Infomercials, Thank you for your reply to my posting earlier this morning. After reading it, I looked for other posts from you; I was interested in your perspective and what you must be going through. I am reading this and it feels so eerily familiar to me. I- unlike you- am only 6 months in, though. I was talking to my boss about my relationship and he told me that things should be incredible right now; we should still be in the honeymoon period, and if we were having issues now... I should take it seriously. He told me that relationships NEVER get better. I am still considering this, but, as a rule, I think it is true. I feel the soulmate thing. I completely understand what you're saying. When I met J, it's not like I consciously made a decision to have a crush on him or start communicating with him... It's just... It's just what had to happen. I didn't really have a choice in the matter. I realize how someone could reading this might find it ridiculous. I understand as well how damaged your poor boy is; maybe they are doing the best they know how to. My boy and I have broken up before; I lost it, was so hurt... Right after we broke up, he told me that he would still pick me up at the airport as we had planned for a month before. Needless to say, he didn't show up. 2 weeks of NC, he came back, apologized for letting us go... I thought it was the 180. But it wasn't. I have to wonder if he will come back again... I secretly hope he does... And, like you, even more secretly, I hope he doesn't. These kinds of things are the worst. They hurt and hurt and you can still convince yourself that they make you happier than not. I miss J. I miss him so much my body hurts. I share in your unconditionally loving this man. I am so, so sorry for what you are going through. I feel like our stories are very similar and I want the best for both of us. I might have the strength to get through this, but I am not sure I would have the strength to say no if he wanted us to be together again. This is so hard. You have my support. 1
Author Infomercials Posted June 10, 2013 Author Posted June 10, 2013 Hey Swimswithjeans, I understand the feeling. Right when he left, I straight up told him that "I could forgive him for anything and would take him back no matter what." Thankfully, I got a little better than that. I sent him a letter telling him I'm not his doormat and listing what I'd need to happen for us to be together and make it work (someday). The secret hopes are hard. What I'm trying to do now is to stick to my new decision of NC. I've never been able to do it before. Right now, all I'm doing is trying to stick with it...I'm also trying to get involved in a support group. Doing the best I can at the moment.
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