HokeyReligions Posted June 8, 2013 Posted June 8, 2013 I'm curious about what LS' s think about a couple who have been together 30 years and who had a JP wedding renewing their vows in a small church wedding in a different season from their first wedding.
TaraMaiden Posted June 8, 2013 Posted June 8, 2013 It's more logical to renew them on an important anniversary... My parents renewed their vows in a different location all together - but on their 50th anniversary.....
Author HokeyReligions Posted June 8, 2013 Author Posted June 8, 2013 Interesting. Why is it more logical to have it on an important anniversary?
LittleTiger Posted June 8, 2013 Posted June 8, 2013 I'm curious about what LS' s think about a couple who have been together 30 years and who had a JP wedding renewing their vows in a small church wedding in a different season from their first wedding. I don't think it matters what LSers think. It matters what the couple themselves think. If you fancy doing it all again at a different time of year, go for it! 2
Author HokeyReligions Posted June 8, 2013 Author Posted June 8, 2013 I don't think it matters what LSers think. It matters what the couple themselves think. If you fancy doing it all again at a different time of year, go for it! Thank you for your feed back. We already know what we will do. I Just like hearing the varied viewpoints and opinions of others. Some people think it's "stupid" to renew at all, others think its sweet and there are all sorts of opinions and 'justifications' for and against. Those are what I am curious to hear then I'll share more about my situation.
TaraMaiden Posted June 8, 2013 Posted June 8, 2013 Interesting. Why is it more logical to have it on an important anniversary? It's a testimony to how far you have come, a celebration of a milestone, and a public avowal of your intent to dedicate the remainder of your lives to one another. 3
Author HokeyReligions Posted June 8, 2013 Author Posted June 8, 2013 It's a testimony to how far you have come, a celebration of a milestone, and a public avowal of your intent to dedicate the remainder of your lives to one another. Thank you. I love how you expressed it.
Author HokeyReligions Posted June 9, 2013 Author Posted June 9, 2013 Did the original vows come with an expiration date? If you do this you are not having a "small church wedding" because it won't be a "wedding." You're already married, correct? But, if you need to go through this to show each other and everyone else that you still love each other, go right ahead. Frankly vow renewals always make me think "I wonder which one of them cheated on the other (if not both), this must be the pay-back." A wedding is not a marriage. Neither of us has ever cheated. I feel very bad for those who have cheated or been cheated on. I can only imagine the pain that causes, and not just for the couple but also for their family especially children. My husbands mother cheated and that hurt my husband especially when left with his abusive drunken father who drilled into him that women were things to be used and not trusted. Hubby was 11. When he discovered girls he had some bad experiences because he didn't know better but as he got older he vowed to himself that he would never cheat on any girl he was seeing because he Knew how much it hurt. Even at our marriages' most fragile state I had an opportunity to cheat but because of his experience and my own commitment to my vows I did not. I was going steady with a guy once for about a year and found out he was cheating on me, but I wasn't in love with him and while disappointed and hurt a bit, I got it past it quickly. We never slept together and that had a lot to do with my not being seriously hurt by him. It makes me sad for those whose experiences has hurt them so much that they can't believe there are couples who trust and don't cheat. I wish I could wave a wand and take that pain away.
whichwayisup Posted June 9, 2013 Posted June 9, 2013 Do what you feel is right in your heart, don't even worry or be concerned what others might think. That day is for you and your husband! Celebrate the 30 years by renewing your vows is something special, and will only strengthen what you two share now. 1
Nyla Posted June 9, 2013 Posted June 9, 2013 It's more logical to renew them on an important anniversary... My parents renewed their vows in a different location all together - but on their 50th anniversary..... You don't feel that a 30th anniversary is important? 30 years is a very long time to be married, especially in this day and age. Nothing wrong with your idea, HR. We are renewing our vows for only our 5th anniversary. We would wait until the 10th, but my parents will be out of the country by then. Our elopement was a disaster and I know my mom would love to see me in a wedding gown, so vow renewal at five years it is. We were originally just going to have another private ceremony, but my best friend and my mom talked me out of it. In only three years of marriage, we have already handled unemployment, serious illness, injury from being struck by a car, financial difficulties, returning to college, racist neighbours who hated that we are an interracial couple and in-law drama. We have been through so much and my therapist says that our marriage is unusually solid for such a short time. That deserves a celebration. I could have been dead by now! In a few weeks, I am going to have a liver tumor burned away. My husband has been my rock through broken bones, workplace bullying and asthma attacks. He leaned on me when the company he worked for shut down and he could not find work for an entire year.
ThomasD Posted June 9, 2013 Posted June 9, 2013 (Yes, technically it's NOT a wedding but if the clergy involved in your ceremony approve you may call it that.) Your reasons, the location, and the scheduling, are your own, and you are free to share them with a wider circle - or not - as you see fit. Other responses have been very eloquent and significant and I won't try to improve on them. My wife (of almost 39 years) and I have our own version of "renewal". We were married in a church her family had attended for many generations - well over a century. The sanctuary where we had our wedding is still there, though now only used occasionally. On many occasions, when we are with her family for holidays or family events, and things are quiet I will drag her to the very spot (as best as I can determine) where we stood when we were pronounced to be "Man and Wife" and first introduced as "Mr. and Mrs". There is a short little ritual we do there, which is personal and private to us, but serves as a sort of vow renewal. (From time to time others have seen us do this, which is no big deal. It's a GREAT way to embarrass the heck out of your kids! The conversation goes something like, "Where are mom and dad?" ; "I think they're in there, doing that . . . you know."; "Oh . . . that mushy stuff.".) 1
TaraMaiden Posted June 9, 2013 Posted June 9, 2013 You don't feel that a 30th anniversary is important? 30 years is a very long time to be married, especially in this day and age. You misunderstand me. I was responding to this. Interesting. Why is it more logical to have it on an important anniversary? Of course 30 years is important. It's a milestone. Where did I give the impression that it ISN'T important...?
LittleTiger Posted June 9, 2013 Posted June 9, 2013 On many occasions, when we are with her family for holidays or family events, and things are quiet I will drag her to the very spot (as best as I can determine) where we stood when we were pronounced to be "Man and Wife" and first introduced as "Mr. and Mrs". There is a short little ritual we do there, which is personal and private to us, but serves as a sort of vow renewal. (From time to time others have seen us do this, which is no big deal. It's a GREAT way to embarrass the heck out of your kids! The conversation goes something like, "Where are mom and dad?" ; "I think they're in there, doing that . . . you know."; "Oh . . . that mushy stuff.".) This is beautiful! I'm a big believer in vows being something very personal to a couple and 'repeating' them in private in a special place, whenever the urge takes you is a testament to how much they meant at the time. I hope my man and I make it 39 years married with similar 'mushy' moments - although me might have to use zimmer frames to help us reach the appropriate spots!
OpenBook Posted June 9, 2013 Posted June 9, 2013 From what I've seen in the media, too many people use renewing vows to try to bolster a troubled marriage. Whenever I see a celebrity renewing their vows I think uh-oh they'll be divorced next year. It's kind of like a red flag - "Oh I didn't know they were having trouble." But I suspect that's not the case with you HR... from everything I've read you've been married (happily) for a very long time, so this is just a formal ceremony of something that's already in place, am I right? If so, I think you should renew wherever, whenever, and however you and DH want to do it!! And I don't believe it will matter whether it's on a particular milestone day or not. The point is, you're making new memories together. Congratulations and best wishes to you both!!
Author HokeyReligions Posted June 9, 2013 Author Posted June 9, 2013 I guess people define "wedding" differently around the world. As a point of reference we define wedding as "the ceremony or celebration of a marriage". One can have a marriage without a wedding but one cannot have a wedding without a marriage. Those of you who remember me when I first came to LS may remember that hubby and I were having problems. I vented here a lot. Those problems stemmed from the abuse he suffered growing up, the fact that I had no male role models growing and my bi-polar mom was living with us -- our two children died our dog rescues were aging and dying off, we hadn't had sex in a decade, hubby was having healt h problems, financial problems plagued us after I quit a job where the 'affair opportunity' was-------- we have our share of problems like everyone else. Fast forward to now. Mom passed away in 2006. Hubbys father passes a year before. We have only two dogs now. We are older. Hubby is still disabled and will never work again. I changed careers (again) and while I earn more I'm in a project billable role so I move around to different employers following the work. Over the past ten years hubby and I have grown closer than either of us ever thought possible. We are unique individuals and whilw we each recognize and celebrate our individuality we also feel as though there is no line where one of is begins and the other ends. A year or so ago we were sitting on the patio and hubby said he loved me - we say it to each other daily whenever the mood strikes - and then he followed it with "I can't breathe without you". We are close. Hubby had three strokes last year. I almost lost him. His health is rapidly declining. We are both scared and we are embracing every second together and doing everything we can to control his blood pressure. June 6 was our anniversary. We got married on 6/6/86 for one reason - I wanted my mom there and she was moving to another state. It was the only date we could coordinate. Hubby and I were already living together. I could only get half a day off from work but it was the only day hubby could get to have a long weekend. Mom, my SIL, and I drove to the JP in one car and hubby and hid BF in another. We got married and had a small party at the apartment. My FIL came with his wife and he was drunk. He and mom had never met before and he aays to my mother ON MY WEDDING DAY "I give it six months tops" and laughs. Mom was horrified. There were a few other people who came and we ordered pizza. My brother showed up late wearing overalls a red plaid shirt and John Dere cap. I had no flowers at my wedding. We used the cash wedding gifts to buy the pizza and I had a beautiful two tiered wedding cake with bells. I didn't realize what a "red neck" wedding I had until I saw the photos mom took! We laugh about it. It was funny. Even after we were married we left the JP in separate cars so hubby and his best man could go to the store and get soft drinks while mom SIL and I went to the apartment. We didn't even think about the fact talhat we had JUST got married! Back to now. On our anniversary hubby and I were reminiscing and he told me he felt bad that I didn't have a 'proper' wedding. I laughed and said I prefer the unique wedding we had. Blah blah blah lets plan a church wedding to celebrate where we are now and what we have endured and do this in a way that reflects the growth and changes in our religioys daith. I.e. a church wedding. Because it so freaking Hot where we live and because one of our favorit holidays has always been Halloween (we use to run a haunted house - did it for years and ir was a blast!) We decided October 31 next year. Its not an anniversary except we met in 1984. This gives us something to work toward and look forward to. Hubby is enjoying the fact that he has plans to make and goals. We look for things to do to help his blood pressure. This is one of those things too. We both realize that it may not happen because of hubbys health but we are planning it. If it does happen there won't be many there. No one from the original wedding because they are all gone now. But we have a few people to invite and there won't be a pizza party at home we will have a venue with music and I'll have flowers. We will celebrate our marriage. In costumes!
ThomasD Posted June 10, 2013 Posted June 10, 2013 . . . One can have a marriage without a wedding but one cannot have a wedding without a marriage. Well, I think I have seen a few weddings where there wasn't much of a marriage - at least not very close to the marriages that you and I now enjoy. And it's true that the fancy trappings of a "wedding" can too easily detract from the significance of the marriage it celebrates. (My dad once commented that my wedding was easily the most "frugal" (his word) of the four kids in my family - but I had the most solid and longest-lasting marriage. The other three were in divorce proceedings within 10 years.) But many of those traditions and trappings surrounding a wedding are based on good ideas but just got out of control over the years. It actually saddens me that you two missed out on many of the "celebration" parts of a wedding. While selecting a notable anniversary, special location, etc, may contribute to your experience of your "renewal", I see nothing wrong with doing it just because you want to publicly express your gratitude to each other, future intentions, and throw a party to celebrate the event! Certainly MANY couples choose their original wedding date on rather flimsy excuses such as "That's the only day we can get the church next summer.", or "That's the week after Grandpa will retire, so he won't have to work nights and can attend.". If those reasons are good enough for the original wedding, your reasons are good enough for your renewal. I told my kids that after a respectful marriage ceremony they were not only free to celebrate their marriage in any suitable way, but I encouraged them to do so. If they wanted to have all the guests dress as knights and ladies of the round table, or have a hot air balloon take the couple away to happily-ever-after, or hire an entire carnival, I was OK with the idea. (Of course, finances MUST be considered - in fact, I was among the "long-term unemployed" when both kids married.) They both had fairly low-budget weddings by today's standards. One was a quite traditional church event; the other happened in a scenic meadow at a mountain retreat lodge - with about half the guest list showing up early to craft the decorations, set up chairs, etc. I hate to cast a dark shadow on your plans . . . but . . . I recently attended a somewhat extravagant multi-purpose celebration. It honored a couple's 65th anniversary, a 90th birthday, and a couple other less significant family events that fell within a few days of each other on the calendar. The woman of the couple was well into Alzheimers, though it was obvious that she was enjoying the festivities. About a month later she was moved to a care facility, and two months after that was entered into hospice care. It's impossible to predict the future but it would grieve me to know that a celebration became meaningless or impossible because I postponed it while working to make it "the best", when it could have been joyously celebrated sooner.
Author HokeyReligions Posted June 21, 2013 Author Posted June 21, 2013 ThomasD that is so beautifully tragic to have the celebration then pass. We are enjoying the planning of ours that's half the fun. If we don't make it to the day well we'll take the memories we do make. I'm going to be optimistic and look forward to the wedding. Our theme is the 1980's. People can dress however they want as long as its from that period. The only thing we ask is that they dress as though for a 1980s wedding or choose a character from an '80s movie or play or something recognizable from that period. One friend said he was going to bust out his boy-George outfit! Our minister said that sounded like fun and will also dress accordingly. We will have a some serious moments in our vows and not underplay the depth of our commitment but its also going to be fun. Hubby is going to try to use only his walker and its going to be in costume too. If he can't walk he will use his scooter with bells and whistles! Oh and our dogs will be there too. Not in costume but with very nice collars. They will walk me down the isle. Our lives have revolved around dogs. We've spent our lives rescuing and fighting for the rights of animals and working in shelters and to improve and enforce laws that protect animals.
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