amkxoxo Posted June 8, 2013 Posted June 8, 2013 Some background...I'm a 21 year old who has dated men but never been in a serious relationship. I want one but feel I have not found the right guy to have one with. Don't get me wrong I have been with some really nice men, but sometimes they are just too nice. I seem to attract the super nice guys who fall in love with me off the bat and want to give me the world. I know sounds great, but I never seem to truly like these guys because they lack truth and I actually like a guy who takes time to know me and see me for who I really am. A lot of times these guys don't know me very long and are already telling me that I'm perfect, and good at this and that, when they haven't actually experienced any of what I have to offer. I have dumped multiple suitors over this. I recently started dating someone (its been 3 months) who I really like. He is smart, attractive, talented, and more...I really want to make it work with him and want to impress him, but find myself getting insecure. I am so comfortable in myself at the beginning, but then slowly turn into that person that I hate dating. They like me at the beginning but I end up losing myself in the relationship. I dote on them, compliment them like crazy, and am too nice. I feel like our conversations have gone sour because I can't relax and just be myself anymore. I'm trying to be what I think he wants, and am afraid of judgement.When we talk on the phone I'm not the fun loving girl he likes, I'm bland. I ask "how's classes" or "what did you do today" Blahhhh! He fell for me for a reason, but this guy doesn't seem to like the over niceness because to be honest its boring. I'm becoming boring. I have started to like some things he does, but I feel like thats normal when seeing someone. I have been more open to trying new things with him too. What should I do?? How do I fix myself?
Author amkxoxo Posted June 8, 2013 Author Posted June 8, 2013 Yes, we've dated for three months and we just went long distance (its been three weeks) My losing myself seems to have gotten worse and my insecurities heightened since going long distance.
LittleTiger Posted June 8, 2013 Posted June 8, 2013 I've just seen your other thread. It's not surprising you're feeling so insecure when the guy you're supposedly dating is a jerk! Start building a new life without him. When you have something else to focus on you'll realise how much more there is to life than a boyfriend who shows so little interest in you and treats you with so little respect! 2
justwhoiam Posted June 10, 2013 Posted June 10, 2013 I'm a 21 year old who has dated men but never been in a serious relationship. If you're looking for a serious relationship, you should stop dating men casually. If you just hook up... why should they want a relationship with you? First, they already have what they want without the hassle of doing the boyfriend part, and secondly, they might think you're too easy to actually consider you as girlfriend material. That combo attracts the wrong people. I seem to attract the super nice guys who fall in love with me off the bat You shouldn't date guys just because they are attracted to you. Spend more time on the preselection. It'll be worth it. If you're so in demand, it won't be difficult either. I never seem to truly like these guys because they lack truth ... these guys don't know me very long and are already telling me that I'm perfect, and good at this and that That's their job. And it's your job to turn them down. find myself getting insecure. I am so comfortable in myself at the beginning ... but I end up losing myself in the relationship. I dote on them, compliment them like crazy, and am too nice. I feel like our conversations have gone sour because I can't relax and just be myself anymore. I'm trying to be what I think he wants, and am afraid of judgement. In short, you're fake. And you think they won't notice? That's why they hook up with you but decide not to go any further with you. I'm becoming boring. I have started to like some things he does, but I feel like thats normal when seeing someone. I have been more open to trying new things with him too. What should I do?? How do I fix myself? The more you want him bad, the more you'll see him distancing himself. So now, is that a pattern as it seems to be from your own words? Or are you talking about the last guy you're dating? If it's a pattern, the results should have taught you that you need be yourself, and if you feel they run away after knowing the real you, ask yourself if it wasn't the switch scaring them away. They can't be deceived thinking they're dating Marilyn Monroe and find out they're going out with Lady Gaga. You can understand what happens in their minds. So just be yourself. Instead of dating anyone for 3 months, you'll just need a date or two to see if you're compatible with him. And give them a clear message about what you're looking for (boyfriend vs casual dating).
cluelessXgirl Posted June 10, 2013 Posted June 10, 2013 (edited) Sorry to barge in on this threat like that but.....justwhoiam do you have facebook or skype? I would like to ask you something in private but I cant here Edited June 10, 2013 by cluelessXgirl
justwhoiam Posted June 10, 2013 Posted June 10, 2013 Sorry to barge in on this threat like that but.....justwhoiam do you have facebook or skype? I would like to ask you something in private but I cant here You can open a new thread with your questions.
Author amkxoxo Posted June 11, 2013 Author Posted June 11, 2013 I don't hook up with them, nor have I hooked up with this guy, because I want them to earn that right with me. I want a boyfriend and I really like this guy and want it to work in the long run. I talked on the phone with him today, and I'm so confident going in and when I talk to him I get so self conscious about what I say??? I get so afraid something I say will turn him off or he will judge me.
justwhoiam Posted June 11, 2013 Posted June 11, 2013 I don't hook up with them, nor have I hooked up with this guy, because I want them to earn that right with me. I want a boyfriend Did he ask you to be his girlfriend?? Because it's no where in your posts. After 3 months and he doesn't say I love you, he didn't ask you to be his girlfriend, what is he doing? He's going out with you casually. No commitment. Did I say no commitment whatsoever? Oh yes. I get so self conscious about what I say??? I get so afraid something I say will turn him off or he will judge me. It looks like you're inviting yourself to the prom and answering your own invitation. That's why it feels awkward. You can't prompt him to say what you want him to say.
Author amkxoxo Posted June 11, 2013 Author Posted June 11, 2013 We had a serious talk about commitment and the future back when we were in school together. I told him I wanted to try a long distance relationship but he was hesitant. He had just gotten through a break-up right before he met me and I think getting back into one, especially seperated freaked him out. He said he just didn't know what he wanted to do and that he wasn't saying "no" and he could change his mind any day, any month. As the semester came to a close he kept saying he was going to "miss me" and that he was "so happy he ended up meeting me and getting to know me." When I mentioned a paycheck I was getting in he mail, he told me to save it to do something nice for myself and to "come to *******" which is where he lives. When I asked him if he really wanted me to come there he said "Of course how else are we going to go out for drinks and chill in his pool" I take words seriously and it seemed like he was really into it. He even said that there are so many forms of communication out there these days and he listed them and that he wasn't worried about us. I took this as hope for our future. I told him "I am not planning on seeing other people you know" and he responded "Well yeah thats not the best impression when your trying to make it work with someone." A week into being apart he was not responding to my messages. He ended up calling me because he wanted to tell me he was sick in person (on the phone) and explain why he wasn't available. His school schedule is online so the work and classes are random and intense. We do talk back and forth often. I truly feel like if things were different- he didnt graduate and was coming back to school next year or we lived closer- we would definitely be in a relationship. I don't know what to think.
Carenth Posted June 11, 2013 Posted June 11, 2013 All I will really say is. You may take words seriously, however actions speak much louder than words. If he is constantly having excuses as to why he is not replying or talking to you then he probably isn't as serious as you think. Also if he wanted something serious I think he would of expressed such feelings by now. If you try to force it out of him he will bolt (if he hasn't already). From what you have said I don't know if his heart is really in a LDR which I can understand they are not easy and not for the faint of heart.
Author amkxoxo Posted June 11, 2013 Author Posted June 11, 2013 I appreciate your response. Yeah long distance is hard. I have never done it and he has and I'm learning as I go. I guess I'm just frustrated because its not that far away. Its a 3 hour drive and I know he is having hard times right now and doesn't have transportation or money to see me. It kind of seems like he has to get his life in order before getting serious with me. I support him but at the same time it sucks for me. Like will it ever be enough, he has a lot of school work and some family stuff he is working through, but when thats all over in a couple weeks, then it wil be "Oh I have to get a job and get my own place" Will I always be second best to his life? Maybe, Maybe not.I didn't text him/ contact him for a few days and he contacted me saying "I know time is important to you, and Im so sorry I haven't been able to give much of it, hope your day is going well" so he knows I value time because I've told him in the past. Is it enough that he acknowledges it though? I don't know. I have transportation and money to see him and I think he knows this. When we go back to school we will only be an hour from each other, which is nothing for me. I guess I'm going to try and keep doing what were doing and see what happens.
Recommended Posts