When did you make the decision to have sex with someone else?

[2.50 a gallon]

My Ex and I had moved across country about 6 months prior to us getting married. We did not know anybody there so quickly made friends with new co-workers. My Ex was brassy with her talk and unbeknownst to me, sometime during the Christmas party with my co-workers, she had bragged about my sexual skills, especially oral to some of my female co-workers

 

Six months later we separated and I go on the infidelity diet. My female co-workers who generally lunched together conspired to bring and extra helping for me. Thus I began to have lunch with them daily. It did not take long before they saw me a man they could use to get the male point of view. One of their constant gripes was their sex lives. None of them had ever experienced oral sex but wanted to before they died.

 

To be honest prior to marriage I had been a pussy hound, was a good dancer and had learned how to seduce a woman on the dance floor.

 

I was also a short guy, with super long hair, when long hair on a man was still not all that common.

 

Our work place encouraged team work and also encourage us to get to know each other after hours. Hence about every other week a number of us co-workers would meat for a few drinks and dancing on a Saturday night. It was during one of these get togethers I over heard the husband of one of my co-workers remark to another husband, that he was not sure whether I was a man or a woman.

 

This hurt my pride and I set out show him, and proceeded to seduce his wife right in front of him. Before the night was out, the two of us went outside to cool off and have a smoke. Actually it was to give her a taste of what oral sex was like. Within a week we had hooked up, she spread the word and before long I had 4 or 5 married woman asking me for sex.

 

There was a sixth, she was not part of the group, was very happily married to her college seat heat, and had been married for 5 years. With their fifth anniversary coming up, they could now afford to have a child, and they began to plan to try and conceive on their fifth wedding anniversary.

 

At the last minute he cancelled and chose to go with a male friend to Reno to watch a Poker tournament. She had never been to one of our get togethers, but showed up that night dressed in a super hot red dress, which left nothing to the imagination. She was on a mission to get laid and break her marriage vows

[2.50 a gallon]

My Ex and I had moved across country about 6 months prior to us getting married. We did not know anybody there so quickly made friends with new co-workers. My Ex was brassy with her talk and unbeknownst to me, sometime during the Christmas party with my co-workers, she had bragged about my sexual skills, especially oral to some of my female co-workers

 

Six months later we separated and I go on the infidelity diet. My female co-workers who generally lunched together conspired to bring and extra helping for me. Thus I began to have lunch with them daily. It did not take long before they saw me a man they could use to get the male point of view. One of their constant gripes was their sex lives. None of them had ever experienced oral sex but wanted to before they died.

 

To be honest prior to marriage I had been a pussy hound, was a good dancer and had learned how to seduce a woman on the dance floor.

 

I was also a short guy, with super long hair, when long hair on a man was still not all that common.

 

Our work place encouraged team work and also encourage us to get to know each other after hours. Hence about every other week a number of us co-workers would meat for a few drinks and dancing on a Saturday night. It was during one of these get togethers I over heard the husband of one of my co-workers remark to another husband, that he was not sure whether I was a man or a woman.

 

This hurt my pride and I set out show him, and proceeded to seduce his wife right in front of him. Before the night was out, the two of us went outside to cool off and have a smoke. Actually it was to give her a taste of what oral sex was like. Within a week we had hooked up, she spread the word and before long I had 4 or 5 married woman asking me for sex.

 

There was a sixth, she was not part of the group, was very happily married to her college seat heat, and had been married for 5 years. With their fifth anniversary coming up, they could now afford to have a child, and they began to plan to try and conceive on their fifth wedding anniversary.

 

At the last minute he cancelled and chose to go with a male friend to Reno to watch a Poker tournament. She had never been to one of our get togethers, but showed up that night dressed in a super hot red dress, which left nothing to the imagination. She was on a mission to get laid and break her marriage vows

[phillygirl]

When did I make the decision to have sex with another man?

 

When my STBXH passive-agreesively denied me sex for the nth time.

 

Sorry.

 

You withhold sex. You risk being cheated on, and subsequently...served with divorce papers and forced to pay alimony.

 

Moral of this story, gentlemen:

 

Don't be a d*ck! Put it inside of your wife.

 

No guilt.

Edited June 19, 2013 by phillygirl

[wanting more]

I'd say it just happened but since that not an acceptable answer I' try to explain what I was thinking them.

 

Id been in a loveless relationship for years. I'd convinced myself this was how it was going to be until my youngest was older. And I was fine with that. My relationship with BSO had always been up and down, a little good, a lot bad. Separations. Getting back together. I changed over the years. I was not and am not the financially dependent, low self esteem, scared to be alone girl I was when we'd met.

 

I moved my family hundreds of miles away from the small town I'd grown up in. I needed my independence. I did everything. Financially and emotionally for my kids. My BSO would travel here to spend time with the kids. He did father/son things that I couldn't do. I felt bad for my kids not having him in their everyday lives. He moved here with us. Things were ok. Not great, not horrible. This went on for a couple years. As I said, this was my life.

 

It was a co-worker/friend relationship. We traveled for work but nothing ever happened. It never even crossed my mind. I did have opportunities at work. I like to go out, have fun, dance, drink. And we did it every so often after work. I never considered having an A. There was always a big group of us and it was fun. The way we worked, xMM and I traveled a lot together. We became friendly but never crossed a line. We talked about family, kids, spouses. But no deep dark secrets. After a couple months he and I were very comfortable with each other.

 

Things were the same at home. One travel time, it was a long day of drinking and golf. After dinner and it was just he and I we decided to go out to a bar. He was such a gentleman. Complimented me. Opened doors for me. Respected my work. On the way to the bar Iooked at him and thought "I like how I feel when I'm with him". In my mind (and yes, ALL the alcohol I'd had that day helped) I thought I could see myself with him. He's nothing like my BSO. I had all the responsibility at home and when I traveled it was carefree for me. No bills, no

Cleaning, no carpooling kids to every imaginable sport or school activity. It was ME. he was also drunk and I'm sure not thinking clearly. We got to the bar and he held my hand and I didn't think "I'm going to have sex with him" I thought "I could have sex with him". And I did. And it was great. And it was exciting. And lasted for hours. and the next morning I thought i hope this happens again.

 

We went back to work and it was just co-workers again. But then we started texting and agreed we wanted to be together again. SOON.

 

I went home and my life was as it was before. All responsibility on me. My A became my escape. My fantasy world. And for quite a few months it was just a fun escape. months later I realized I was falling in love with him. That's when it got difficult for me. Because I realized I didn't want to "settle" for the life I had convinced myself was all I had

 

Couple of d-days later and my life is still a mess. No more xMM (except when he broke NC a while back then his BW called again blaming me. It's getting better but I still deal with not being able to forgive myself for getting involved the way I did and hurting others.

[Realist3]

OK so now the actual question, at what point did you make the decision to have sex with someone else? What went through you mind to where you decided it was time to be with someone else? How much time past between the time you decided you were going to have sex with another person and you actually did it?

 

 

I would say that I made the decision some 5 years before I actually became involved in my affair. We had grown apart. It wasn't a sexless marriage, but was about as close as you could get, and I take some of the blame in that. I just didn't want to have sex with HER. I didn't like her as a person, so as beautiful as she was, and even though the sex was fine when we did do it, I had tuned out emotionally.

 

I don't know if I would call it actively looking, but I was certainly receptive to the possibility should it arise. While there were many many opportunities none of them seemed to be just right. Yes, I'm very picky. Was not interested in a ONS, or some crazy who would fall in love with me and then try and destroy my marriage/family. Once I met the right woman it didn't take long at all. Our chemistry emotionally and physically was off the charts... still is. Within a month of actually getting to know one another we were having sex on a weekly basis.

[JustAReformedGirl]

 

OK so now the actual question, at what point did you make the decision to have sex with someone else?

 

This is in regard to cheating/affairs, correct? The decision was made a few days before I saw my AP. We got to talking one night (he lives 5 hours away, where I lived before moving with my now husband (who's in the military, and was my fiancé at the time). We had been talking about our mutual feelings for one another, and the next thing I knew, I was agreeing to what we believed would be a "one-time deal".

 

 

 

What went through you mind to where you decided it was time to be with someone

else?

 

Many things. My AP and I were old high-school friends. Back then, we'd both liked each other, but neither one knew it. On top of that, many rational and irrational thoughts went through my mind. First, there was a chance that, a year prior, my then fiancé had cheated on me. He woke up next to another woman after a drinking bender (he was quite a few hours away at the time, due to military training). There's no actual knowing, if they got that far; but, it came to mind. Second, My AP's health isn't the greatest; I hadn't seen him in about 6-7 years, and if something were to ever happen to him, A) I wanted to give him something he'd never had with me, something he always wanted and B) I didn't want to regret passing up the opportunity. There were other thoughts, but these were the main ones, I think.

 

 

How much time past between the time you decided you were going to have sex

with another person and you actually did it?

 

I think it was 5 days, when he and I initially talked about it. But honestly, I think I'd been considering it, even before he asked. It just took him asking-and it took a great deal of time, even once we entered that conversation-for me to full-out say "yes".

 

"It just happened" does NOT count and will not be accepted as an answer. At

some point people make a conscious decision for a penis to go into a vagina.

That is a process, and a pretty complicated one that can be stopped or derailed

at thousands of different points. Sex does not "just happen."

 

Agreed. There are cases of people being black-out drunk and having no recollection of it, but those people consciously chose to get drunk, and at some point, their subconscious state decided to have sex with someone else.

 

The reason I am asking is I want to know and understand what goes on in the mind

of someone who has sex behind their partner's back and how that decision process

works.

 

In my case, it involved a lot of guilt, but emotionally, I was very torn. And despite the deceit, which I do regret, the actions themselves, I don't, really. In the sense that I enjoyed my time with my AP, and that it went beyond just physical. The decision-making process was still not easy; from the moment I decided, I knew things would never, could never, be the same. Even if I had decided not to act on it, something inside me changed.

[Confused48]

 

The decision-making process was still not easy; from the moment I decided, I knew things would never, could never, be the same. Even if I had decided not to act on it, something inside me changed.

 

Your story is very interesting. Thanks for sharing it. I don't know your history. Did you then leave your H? Did you stay and continue to have affairs? Did you stay but insist upon a better relationship with your H? Something else?

[Realist3]

I actually agree with Rebel.

 

When the moment of truth came there was still a definite line that I knew was being crossed and things would never be the same.

[JustAReformedGirl]

Your story is very interesting. Thanks for sharing it. I don't know your history. Did you then leave your H? Did you stay and continue to have affairs? Did you stay but insist upon a better relationship with your H? Something else?

 

My story, sadly, has not reached a conclusion. The affair has been limited, on the physical front, but I did wind up doing it a few more times. Being five hours away, I think, makes it seem somehow more urgent. I'll simultaneously hate myself for the deception and yet, I still did it. Most of the affair has been through texts, and there's a large dose of it, on the emotional front.

 

My H knows nothing of the infidelity, but does know about my feelings for the other person. He's known since before we tied the knot. It was a fool-hardy thing for us to do, given that knowledge. We've both sat down, on many occasions, and spoke about the eventuality of me leaving.

 

I actually have a thread I mistakenly put in the OM/OW forum, if you're interested to know more.

[Confused48]

Hey Rebel,

 

I'm interested in your story bc it seems similar to mine but of course I'm the BS. I want to understand my WS. I know it's not healthy to be so focused on understanding my WS but I am.

 

My story, sadly, has not reached a conclusion. The affair has been limited, on the physical front, but I did wind up doing it a few more times. Being five hours away, I think, makes it seem somehow more urgent. I'll simultaneously hate myself for the deception and yet, I still did it. Most of the affair has been through texts, and there's a large dose of it, on the emotional front.

 

My H knows nothing of the infidelity, but does know about my feelings for the other person. He's known since before we tied the knot. It was a fool-hardy thing for us to do, given that knowledge. We've both sat down, on many occasions, and spoke about the eventuality of me leaving.

 

I actually have a thread I mistakenly put in the OM/OW forum, if you're interested to know more.

 

I knew my WS and the AP were close. I knew it was inappropriate. But I loved and trusted my WS. I had no doubt that my WS would be faithful to me. I let WS carry on with AP bc I new for sure that my WS would NEVER have an A!

 

I knew my WS might leave me some day for the AP. But I knew also that WS would never have an A as a way to leave me. I know very well how your H will feel when he finds out the truth about you.

 

You should tell him. He deserves to know. And you will be better off than my WS who had to suffer more bc I found out without WS telling me. BTW on Dday, WS realized that the A was a stupid choice. We don't know how this will end but we are trying recon. It would be easier if the A had been disclosed rather than discovered.

[JustAReformedGirl]

Hey Rebel,

 

I'm interested in your story bc it seems similar to mine but of course I'm the BS. I want to understand my WS. I know it's not healthy to be so focused on understanding my WS but I am.

 

I don't think it's unhealthy for you to want to understand; especially since you guys are attempting reconciling.

 

 

 

I knew my WS and the AP were close. I knew it was inappropriate. But I loved

and trusted my WS. I had no doubt that my WS would be faithful to me. I let WS

carry on with AP bc I new for sure that my WS would NEVER have an A!

 

I am very much under the impression that this is my husband's viewpoint, as well. Either that, or he does suspect, but is in denial.

 

I knew my WS might leave me some day for the AP. But I knew also that WS would

never have an A as a way to leave me. I know very well how your H will feel

when he finds out the truth about you.

 

I agree you have a very good idea of how he'll react, but there's a chance it will be quite different. Even with the situations being so similar, you and my H are still two different men. But, feel free to tell me what you think will follow. (If you want, post in my thread "How Cliché Can It Get?" You'll get more of the story there, as well).

 

You should tell him. He deserves to know. And you will be better off than my WS who had to suffer more bc I found out without WS telling me. BTW on Dday, WS realized that the A was a stupid choice. We don't know how this will end but we are trying recon. It would be easier if the A had been disclosed rather than discovered.

 

I know I should tell him. I've been wrestling with it from the start, but even more so in the last few months. I know he deserves the truth, and he deserves a lot better than I've turned out to be. This is going to take a lot of preparation.

[Confused48]

 

 

I know I should tell him. I've been wrestling with it from the start, but even more so in the last few months. I know he deserves the truth, and he deserves a lot better than I've turned out to be. This is going to take a lot of preparation.

 

He does deserve the truth. You know it. And I sense that if you don't give it to him you won't be able to look yourself in the mirror. You are that good. You did a bad thing but you will not compound that by not telling him about it. Whether or not you want to leave him.

 

What will he do when he finds out? You are right that every A is unique in the details so it is hard to predict. But 70% of people who are in a love triangle try to recon. So really, what will you do? When you see your H in tears, lying in a fetal position? Will you decide to recon? Will' he? Who knows. Likely yes to both. Will it work? Again, who knows, but more likely yes if you come clean on your own.

[JustAReformedGirl]

He does deserve the truth. You know it. And I sense that if you don't give it to him you won't be able to look yourself in the mirror. You are that good. You did a bad thing but you will not compound that by not telling him about it. Whether or not you want to leave him.

 

What will he do when he finds out? You are right that every A is unique in the details so it is hard to predict. But 70% of people who are in a love triangle try to recon. So really, what will you do? When you see your H in tears, lying in a fetal position? Will you decide to recon? Will' he? Who knows. Likely yes to both. Will it work? Again, who knows, but more likely yes if you come clean on your own.

 

Your advice is sound. I'm honestly surprised by your level of compassion and understanding for my situation. In fact, every BS that has asked me more about my situation has been really decent about it. I'll admit, I find this a tad unnerving, since I figured your first response would be filled with venom. Such has not been the case. I agree with you; I'd rather he hear it from me, not find out through some other source.

[Confused48]

Your advice is sound. I'm honestly surprised by your level of compassion and understanding for my situation. In fact, every BS that has asked me more about my situation has been really decent about it. I'll admit, I find this a tad unnerving, since I figured your first response would be filled with venom. Such has not been the case. I agree with you; I'd rather he hear it from me, not find out through some other source.

 

Whether you tell him about the A, as you tell him your relationship is over, or tell him with the intent of trying recon, he will be devastated, and then grateful, that you told him rather than he discovered. I hope you try recon. But that is just my personal bias slipping in. Best wishes Rebel.,

[JustAReformedGirl]

Whether you tell him about the A, as you tell him your relationship is over, or tell him with the intent of trying recon, he will be devastated, and then grateful, that you told him rather than he discovered. I hope you try recon. But that is just my personal bias slipping in. Best wishes Rebel.,

 

Thank you, Confused48. I can understand your feelings; I'll be honest though, when I say I don't think recon will happen. But, I guess we'll see. When something changes, I'll definitely update.

[Confused48]

Thank you, Confused48. I can understand your feelings; I'll be honest though, when I say I don't think recon will happen. But, I guess we'll see. When something changes, I'll definitely update.

 

I think that like me, 99% of people think they would never attempt recon if their spouse cheated. Then, when the particular facts of the situation present themselves, 70 % of them do attempt recon. Like me. And possibly you and your H.

[Got it]

First off let me make clear this post is NOT to judge or to tell anyone what they did was wrong and it is not try to change anyone's mind or behaviors on anything. I am simply seeking to understand what some of the thought processes and decisions were.

 

PLEASE NO BLAMING, SHAMING, JUDGING OR BASHING!!!

 

OK so now the actual question, at what point did you make the decision to have sex with someone else? What went through you mind to where you decided it was time to be with someone else? How much time past between the time you decided you were going to have sex with another person and you actually did it?

 

"It just happened" does NOT count and will not be accepted as an answer. At some point people make a conscious decision for a penis to go into a vagina. That is a process, and a pretty complicated one that can be stopped or derailed at thousands of different points. Sex does not "just happen."

 

The reason I am asking is I want to know and understand what goes on in the mind of someone who has sex behind their partner's back and how that decision process works.

 

Again, NO JUDGING, SHAMING, BASHING ETC!!!!! It's OK to not agree with someone else's decisions or behaviors but it is important to try to understand what lead them to that place.

 

It was a slippery slope leading up to it definitely where being okay to flirt, kiss, etc. someone else that allowed that thought process. For me having sex with someone else really stood out because I had never had sex with anyone else besides my ex husband. We never had a good sex life and that was an area of great dissatisfaction for me.

 

A long story short, that year I was working on the end of my marriage, I finally gained acceptance it was the way it was and it wasn't going to change, not going to get him to go to therapy, etc. So I was working on my exit plan. I started spending time with the OM. Basically, in its crudest sense, when we started making out, and even prior, he just really turned me on. And every step of the way was like Wowzer! So after taking me on a very special date, I decided to have sex with him. And, no, at no point did I feel guilt over my husband during that time period.

[janedoe67]

I have been pondering this question a good bit even since answering it, and I would like to thank the OP as it has been a good lesson in progressive self-honesty.

 

The most honest answer I can give as I think about it more is that I decided to sleep with the OM as soon as I fully decided that my wants were more important than my husband or my children or my family.

 

That is about as clear as I can make it.

[Confused48]

It was a slippery slope leading up to it definitely where being okay to flirt, kiss, etc. someone else that allowed that thought process. For me having sex with someone else really stood out because I had never had sex with anyone else besides my ex husband. We never had a good sex life and that was an area of great dissatisfaction for me.

 

A long story short, that year I was working on the end of my marriage, I finally gained acceptance it was the way it was and it wasn't going to change, not going to get him to go to therapy, etc. So I was working on my exit plan. I started spending time with the OM. Basically, in its crudest sense, when we started making out, and even prior, he just really turned me on. And every step of the way was like Wowzer! So after taking me on a very special date, I decided to have sex with him. And, no, at no point did I feel guilt over my husband during that time period.

 

Did it end up being an exit or did you attempt recon? Are you still with the OM?

[Got it]

Did it end up being an exit or did you attempt recon? Are you still with the OM?

 

No I left the marriage about a month into the affair, we have been divorced and he is happily remarried with a child.

 

The OM also divorced.

 

We are married now.

[JustAReformedGirl]

No I left the marriage about a month into the affair, we have been divorced and he is happily remarried with a child.

 

The OM also divorced.

 

We are married now.

 

May I ask for how long? I ask in the interest of my own situation, though I know the results won't necessarily be the same. Still, it would be interesting to have at least an idea, of what to expect.

[Got it]

May I ask for how long? I ask in the interest of my own situation, though I know the results won't necessarily be the same. Still, it would be interesting to have at least an idea, of what to expect.

 

How long what?

 

How long we were in an affair? That was a little over a year.

 

I left at a month, divorced a little over a year later (due to state law). My ex married the person he started dating a few months after we separated and married the same year we divorced.

 

After the year mark on the affair, and after dday, we were broken up about 2 months and started dating after he separated.

 

We were dating before engagement about 3 years.

 

Engaged over a year.

 

Married a few months ago.

 

Together, in total, over 5 years.

[JustAReformedGirl]

How long what?

 

How long we were in an affair? That was a little over a year.

 

I left at a month, divorced a little over a year later (due to state law). My ex married the person he started dating a few months after we separated and married the same year we divorced.

 

After the year mark on the affair, and after dday, we were broken up about 2 months and started dating after he separated.

 

We were dating before engagement about 3 years.

 

Engaged over a year.

 

Married a few months ago.

 

Together, in total, over 5 years.

 

Sorry, I meant how long have you been married to OM. But this answered it nicely.

[Got it]

What proactive steps are you/your current spouse taking to ensure neither of you will repeat past history and cheat again?

 

(And no, "we trust each other" is NOT the correct answer! LOL)

 

Umm, based on your last sentence am I taking some sort of quiz where I am going to be told what is right and what is wrong?

 

What have we done? We have been in CC since the affair, through separation, divorce and up to a few months ago with the idea that we will go back when needed. We have also both been in IC since the affair as well and through divorce. We have worked on our relationship, communication, conflict resolution, and are completely transparent. We have basically taken the counseling of a couple where one has cheated/been cheated on, and used that to move our relationship forward into a healthy state.

 

Is it a guarantee? Absolutely not and that has been driven home that there is no way to ensure that one or both parties won't cheat ever. We saw what happens when one does, the repercussions from it, and neither has any interest to repeat that, but again no guarantee. What we have done is taken proactive steps continuing to focus on our relationship and those around us to try and be healthy mentally and emotionally. We work on what Amir Levine and Rachel Heller call the "couple bubble". It is a marathon, not a race, and we are still trying to help mend the damage done.

 

The beginning pieces that we are working on is any codependency and disconnect, conflict avoiding, and basically leading separate lives in the relationship which was the foundation for the issues in our prior relationships.

 

Do I have a perfect plan to fixing it and keeping it fixed going forward? No. That is where both parties willingness to go to counseling whenever needed by either party, by not going into a passenger role in the marriage and both staying invested. But that is just hoping to a degree. There is no way to predict the future so my stance is the best we can do is focus on today and hope for the best for tomorrow.

[Bittersweetie]

 

OK so now the actual question, at what point did you make the decision to have sex with someone else? What went through you mind to where you decided it was time to be with someone else? How much time past between the time you decided you were going to have sex with another person and you actually did it?

 

 

Hi oldshirt,

 

This is a good question and I've been thinking about it for a while (as you can see since your post is from over two weeks ago!). My answer:

 

There had been some physical issues for years in my M. And after we moved apart, I got this idea that if I could try to sleep with someone else, I'd be able to see if those issues were me or us. But I didn't know if I could go through with it. When I started talking to OM I thought maybe he could be the one. But it wasn't until after we met the first time that I thought, yes, I'll risk things to move forward with him. I had this silly romantic notion of telling him this in person ("you're the one" - ugh) but meetings got cancelled and the next thing I knew I was dumped.

 

Fast forward six months later, we're talking again, then we meet again. And I find I still feel the same way...I want to try, and want to try with him. So the next time we meet I invite him and that's that. At that time I would've done it again in a heartbeat but we ended up not seeing each other again for weeks. And by then I was questioning my actions...why did I do that? Who am I to do that? What am I doing to my H? Is this really how I want to do things? WTF is going on with me?

 

Then the opportunity presented itself again and I thought I could but I couldn't. I invited him in but then it was like cold water rushed over me. This will probably sound cheesy but in my mind I saw this bridge. It was battered and broken and in pieces but still crossable, barely. It was the bridge between my H and I. And I knew for a fact that if I slept with OM again that bridge would be done, uncrossable, and I didn't want that. So I told OM to leave.

 

After d-day I worked specifically on my physical issues by myself and with my H. Things improved greatly (which required a lot of hands-on work from us...LOL). Before the A I didn't think our issues there were fixable...but they were...I just wish I/we could've fixed them in a less destructive way.

 

Hope this helps,

B

Edited June 26, 2013 by Bittersweetie