MitchB83 Posted June 8, 2013 Posted June 8, 2013 I recently hooked up with a girl I've known for a few years. I wasn't really looking for it and it was sort of out of the blue. We were hanging out and I sensed a flirtatiousness I hadn't noticed before so I made a move and she was into it. Anyhow, I called her about a week after we hooked up to see if she wanted to hang out. We went out last night, met for drinks had a bite to eat. We talked about where our relationship stood. She said that us hooking up "caught her by surprise" and that moving forward we should "go with the flow" (whatever that means). She wasn't sure if us dating was a good idea since her last serious relationship was with a guy who she was also previously friends with. Her breakup was messy and she's no longer friends with her ex and also lost some other friendships due to the breakup. She also said she was ready to start dating again. I was a bit confused. She's not the type of girl who just hooks up with guys and never sees them again. She's very measured and careful about the guys she's with. Why would a girl hook up with someone, agree to go out with someone (on a Friday night which is a premium night!) and act lukewarm? She also got really dolled and dressed up and looked amazing. She definitely put more effort into dressing up than she usually does (which also threw me off). Guys, girls, etc. Is it me or this girl sending mixed signals? Is anyone else as confused by this as me?
phineas Posted June 8, 2013 Posted June 8, 2013 Let's go to the map. You have a woman you thought wasn't the type to hook up. She just proved you wrong. Now she is giving you mixed signals. Do you see where i'm going here? My experience with women like this is they will lead you on & drive you insane. She knew when she was meeting you out again exactly what you were interested in. Why show up when she didn't want the same? To waste your time. FYI lot's of hot women don't have dates over the weekend. so her being free means nothing. Personally I would of told her I was looking for a woman to date but if she wanted to hang out as just friends to give you call then I would of excused myself & left. But i'm kinda a jerk when it comes to women who play games with me. 1
Zio Corda Posted June 8, 2013 Posted June 8, 2013 Mitch, there's nothing to be confused about. She's obviously into you she's just scared that she'll mess up another friendship. She probably feels like she rushed into things by hooking up with you, realized she has more feelings for you than she thought she did, and now she's overthinking the possible consequences. Reassure her that things are still cool between you and that you're cool with just hanging with her and seeing where things go from here. No pressure to get into a relationship or even hook up again. But you do like her and are open to something more too. 1
truth_seeker Posted June 8, 2013 Posted June 8, 2013 Phineas and Zio got me confused. lol. Phineas has her pegged as a player and Zio has her as an insecure girl. I love Phineas' stance of being an a-hole to women who play games... but I got to agree with Zio on this one. 1
Zio Corda Posted June 8, 2013 Posted June 8, 2013 truth, I said what I said because most people are not cold and calculating mind game players. MOST people are driven by their emotions. So I think Mitch would need a lot more evidence that this girl is in fact trying to manipulate him before reaching Phineas' conclusion. Putting myself in her shoes, I would be thinking: "Whoa I really got carried away the other night. Even though I like Mitch, I need to slow down and get my head on straight, or I'll just screw up another great friendship."
Author MitchB83 Posted June 9, 2013 Author Posted June 9, 2013 Zio, thank you for your thoughts. I agree with you that I think she was caught off guard and she's trying to slow things down. It is confusing as hell when she says "I'm not sure if us dating is a good idea" and then follows that up with "let's go with the flow and see what happens".
starrynightz45 Posted June 9, 2013 Posted June 9, 2013 She definitely likes you and wants to keep seeing you BUT 1. She's genuinely afraid of messing up the friendship 2. Women have it DRILLLLLLLLLLED into our skulls that if we admit to a guy that we actually want a relationship, they will RUN. So we pretend to be nonchalant. We pretend as if "oh yea I'm not in a rush for anything, yadda yadda" even if we absolutely know that we're looking for something serious, and if we really think the guy is a great person. She's being cautious, but she wouldn't waste her time getting all dolled up for you if she didn't care.
Author MitchB83 Posted June 9, 2013 Author Posted June 9, 2013 She definitely likes you and wants to keep seeing you BUT 1. She's genuinely afraid of messing up the friendship 2. Women have it DRILLLLLLLLLLED into our skulls that if we admit to a guy that we actually want a relationship, they will RUN. So we pretend to be nonchalant. We pretend as if "oh yea I'm not in a rush for anything, yadda yadda" even if we absolutely know that we're looking for something serious, and if we really think the guy is a great person. She's being cautious, but she wouldn't waste her time getting all dolled up for you if she didn't care. So the move is "proceed with caution"? Give her space, keep hanging out as friends and see what happens from there? I did see her again last night at a mutual friend's party. We kept the conversation light and didn't talk about our relationship. We hugged goodbye and made eye contact for a few seconds and she gave me a really longing look. I've never seen her look at me like that in all the time I've known her. Anyways, did I play the situation right?
starrynightz45 Posted June 9, 2013 Posted June 9, 2013 So the move is "proceed with caution"? Give her space, keep hanging out as friends and see what happens from there? I did see her again last night at a mutual friend's party. We kept the conversation light and didn't talk about our relationship. We hugged goodbye and made eye contact for a few seconds and she gave me a really longing look. I've never seen her look at me like that in all the time I've known her. Anyways, did I play the situation right? I think you played the situation right. It's tough to know exactly what to do, but you want to strike a balance here. Don't keep too much distance, because then she'll think you don't like her or lost interest. Don't push it too much, because then she might become even more hesitant. Complicated, I know. But such is dating. At this point, I do think she likes you. Men and women subconsciously do that "lingering longing look" without realizing it when they are attracted to someone. I've seen in a million times. Yea, I would give her comfortable space but not so much that you seem disinterested. Continue going out as friends, but show that you have interest every now and then too (don't be buddy buddy is what I'm saying). With time and patience you'll figure out where things are headed - whether she really doesn't want anything, or if it was just a "defense." I've been in the situation where I didn't know if I wanted something with someone because I was afraid of losing the friendship. I pushed him away even though I really liked him. I told him I didn't want a relationship even though I really did (I'm not saying this is exactly what she's thinking, but it's certainly possible). He continued to spend time with me but was careful - he wasn't pushy but also made it clear that he had interest. Eventually, because I did like him, I decided I really wanted to date him. She could go either way on this, but you can help it along by being patient. It SUCKS, I know.
Author MitchB83 Posted June 13, 2013 Author Posted June 13, 2013 I think you played the situation right. It's tough to know exactly what to do, but you want to strike a balance here. Don't keep too much distance, because then she'll think you don't like her or lost interest. Don't push it too much, because then she might become even more hesitant. Complicated, I know. But such is dating. At this point, I do think she likes you. Men and women subconsciously do that "lingering longing look" without realizing it when they are attracted to someone. I've seen in a million times. Yea, I would give her comfortable space but not so much that you seem disinterested. Continue going out as friends, but show that you have interest every now and then too (don't be buddy buddy is what I'm saying). With time and patience you'll figure out where things are headed - whether she really doesn't want anything, or if it was just a "defense." I've been in the situation where I didn't know if I wanted something with someone because I was afraid of losing the friendship. I pushed him away even though I really liked him. I told him I didn't want a relationship even though I really did (I'm not saying this is exactly what she's thinking, but it's certainly possible). He continued to spend time with me but was careful - he wasn't pushy but also made it clear that he had interest. Eventually, because I did like him, I decided I really wanted to date him. She could go either way on this, but you can help it along by being patient. It SUCKS, I know. Starry, what sort of things did your guy do to make you know he was interested without being too pushy? I've talked to a few of my female friends, who are also mutual friends of hers, and they both told me to ask her out again. One of them saw the girl at a party and apparently mentioned to he that we had recently hung out/hooked up or whatever, and apparently she started smiling and blushing a little bit. I sound like a silly teenager but hearing that actually makes me more confused especially after our "date" didn't go so well.
ddlovexx Posted June 14, 2013 Posted June 14, 2013 My issue is, I hate having to be a mindreader. Ask her if she's interested in you/anything more. Or keep asking her out on dates, kiss her at the end of the night if it feels right. You won't know 'til you know, and I personally hate games. :/
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