nevernotanxious Posted June 8, 2013 Posted June 8, 2013 Not sure if this is the right forum, but I'm new to this site..anyway, here goes: So there's this guy I work with (I just started this job about 2 weeks ago) and he is super nice and I've talked to him a little bit. He said we should see a movie on Sunday before our shifts (we work at a movie theater, and we come in at the same time on Sunday). I said sure, and he gave me his number so I could text him later. Well here's the problem-I only want to be friends with him, but I had assumed he might have some romantic interest in me since he asked me to hang out. (I swear I'm not full of myself haha that's just generally how it goes...). Anyway, so later a female coworker comes up to me and said that that guy wanted to know if I was single. I said I was, but I was not interested in him that way. However he never went back and talked to that girl to see what I had said, so he still doesn't know that I'm not interested. So here are my questions: 1) Would it be safe to assume he is interested in me, especially after wanting to know if I was single? 2) I want to be friends with him and possibly hang out with him Sunday, but I want him to know up front that I only want to be friends...how can I tell him that without sounding pretentious and rude? Should I even tell him up front or wait to see if he makes a move and then tell him? The problem with that is that I don't want to even give him the chance to make a move and make me feel extremely awkward haha.
SalesDude Posted June 8, 2013 Posted June 8, 2013 He's interested in you. Unfortunately the "easy" way out was to nicely turn down the movie offer. Now it might be a bit awkward but just try to have fun and see how it goes.
JuneJulySeptember Posted June 8, 2013 Posted June 8, 2013 2) I want to be friends with him and possibly hang out with him Sunday, but I want him to know up front that I only want to be friends...how can I tell him that without sounding pretentious and rude? Should I even tell him up front or wait to see if he makes a move and then tell him? The problem with that is that I don't want to even give him the chance to make a move and make me feel extremely awkward haha. Why did you accept the movie offer? Here's what to do. Reneg on the date, and just say that you're only interested in him as a friend. Be as blunt as possible without telling him the truth (that you have no physical attraction to him). He'll appreciate it. If he doesn't now, he will when he gets older. Oh. The sooner the better. Like now! Text is fine.
Author nevernotanxious Posted June 8, 2013 Author Posted June 8, 2013 Why did you accept the movie offer? Here's what to do. Reneg on the date, and just say that you're only interested in him as a friend. Be as blunt as possible without telling him the truth (that you have no physical attraction to him). He'll appreciate it. If he doesn't now, he will when he gets older. Oh. The sooner the better. Like now! Text is fine. God I knew I should've made an excuse not to go haha but I mean I want to be friends and to hang out, but I don't want to lead him on. It sucks that I have to see him all the time..would it be okay if I texted him and said something like "So do you still want to see a movie? Also I heard you were asking about me at work and I just wanna let you know up front that I'm cool with hanging out as friends but I'm not looking for anything more than that." Or should I just say no i don't want to hang out? How could i say that in a nice way?
JuneJulySeptember Posted June 8, 2013 Posted June 8, 2013 Oh, and from my vast bank of rejections received-> Bad lines to use -I'm not looking for anything right now. -I think you're a nice guy, but... -I'm not attracted to you in that way. -I just got out of a relationship. Good one to use -You're not my type. Obviously the 'not looking' lines are bad, because when you do hook up/find somebody, and it might even be from your guys work, he'll feel like a fool.
JuneJulySeptember Posted June 8, 2013 Posted June 8, 2013 God I knew I should've made an excuse not to go haha but I mean I want to be friends and to hang out, but I don't want to lead him on. It sucks that I have to see him all the time..would it be okay if I texted him and said something like "So do you still want to see a movie? Also I heard you were asking about me at work and I just wanna let you know up front that I'm cool with hanging out as friends but I'm not looking for anything more than that." Or should I just say no i don't want to hang out? How could i say that in a nice way? No. Just be blunt. Say something like, "Listen. You know what. I made a mistake accepting the movie offer this weekend. I'm sorry, but you're just not my type." The best way to put him down easy is to be blunt and do it ASAP. And please be careful not to lead him on at the office.
Author nevernotanxious Posted June 8, 2013 Author Posted June 8, 2013 No. Just be blunt. Say something like, "Listen. You know what. I made a mistake accepting the movie offer this weekend. I'm sorry, but you're just not my type." The best way to put him down easy is to be blunt and do it ASAP. And please be careful not to lead him on at the office. But he didn't phrase it to make it sound like it was a date for sure, so I just feel weird being that blunt. It sounds rude to me. What if I asked him to clarify-like I said "I just wanna be clear-did you mean this as a date or just as a friend thing?" Ugh I don't know, I'm sorry I'm not used to guys asking me out so I have no idea how to go about this stuff, and I'm also not good at being assertive or dealing with awkward situations
JuneJulySeptember Posted June 8, 2013 Posted June 8, 2013 But he didn't phrase it to make it sound like it was a date for sure, so I just feel weird being that blunt. It sounds rude to me. What if I asked him to clarify-like I said "I just wanna be clear-did you mean this as a date or just as a friend thing?" Ugh I don't know, I'm sorry I'm not used to guys asking me out so I have no idea how to go about this stuff, and I'm also not good at being assertive or dealing with awkward situations The chances that he just likes you as a friend after asking if you were single are relatively slim, so just be blunt. You're in the position of advantage so you owe it him to be as CLEAR as possible about your lack of interest ASAP. Dragging it on and trying to carve a friendship will just make him think you're interested and you'll hurt him way worse. If he wants to be friends after you reject him, then he can take that step. Just make sure you're clear that it's just as friends.
Author nevernotanxious Posted June 8, 2013 Author Posted June 8, 2013 The chances that he just likes you as a friend after asking if you were single are relatively slim, so just be blunt. You're in the position of advantage so you owe it him to be as CLEAR as possible about your lack of interest ASAP. Dragging it on and trying to carve a friendship will just make him think you're interested and you'll hurt him way worse. If he wants to be friends after you reject him, then he can take that step. Just make sure you're clear that it's just as friends. Alright, I'll text him tomorrow. Hopefully he isn't working with me tomorrow too haha. I definitely will not lead him on; I know that's the wrong thing to do. Thanks for the advice
JuneJulySeptember Posted June 8, 2013 Posted June 8, 2013 Alright, I'll text him tomorrow. Hopefully he isn't working with me tomorrow too haha. I definitely will not lead him on; I know that's the wrong thing to do. Thanks for the advice Good. If he's there, just tell him in person. It really doesn't matter. And when I say don't lead him on, be conscious of what you are doing around him in the future. Don't give him extended smiles, or compliment him too much, or accidentally show him cleavage, etc. You know, anything that could turn his mind around. You don't know how bad he has it for you. Probably, the rejection will just roll of of him, but some of us guys can be emotional, gullible wussies. Thanks for being nice.
Cutiepie1976 Posted June 8, 2013 Posted June 8, 2013 God I knew I should've made an excuse not to go haha but I mean I want to be friends and to hang out, but I don't want to lead him on. It sucks that I have to see him all the time..would it be okay if I texted him and said something like "So do you still want to see a movie? Also I heard you were asking about me at work and I just wanna let you know up front that I'm cool with hanging out as friends but I'm not looking for anything more than that." Or should I just say no i don't want to hang out? How could i say that in a nice way? Your first option is good. It communicates clearly your expectations for your interactions and clarifies any potential friendship that develops. You can also bring along a friend which reinforces this further. He didn't ask you on a date. So rejecting a date or romantic overture that was never offered is presumptuous. Having done a lot of rejections, I can tell you that it often blows up in your face when you do that. What exactly were you rejecting? Respond instead to what was put on the table, not to what you think might have been intended by his offer. The offer on the table is two coworkers hanging out, not a date. Respond to that and clarify that it means just that and nothing more. The bolded statement does just that quite nicely without creating unnecessary awkwardness.
JuneJulySeptember Posted June 8, 2013 Posted June 8, 2013 (edited) Your first option is good. It communicates clearly your expectations for your interactions and clarifies any potential friendship that develops. You can also bring along a friend which reinforces this further. He didn't ask you on a date. So rejecting a date or romantic overture that was never offered is presumptuous. Having done a lot of rejections, I can tell you that it often blows up in your face when you do that. What exactly were you rejecting? Respond instead to what was put on the table, not to what you think might have been intended by his offer. The offer on the table is two coworkers hanging out, not a date. Respond to that and clarify that it means just that and nothing more. The bolded statement does just that quite nicely without creating unnecessary awkwardness. Well. Her bolded does presume that he has interest. And him asking about her at work does constitute enough interest for her to issue a flat out rejection in my opinion. Any guy who gets really pissed because you are rejecting him on presumption has a lot to learn about women anyway. You're coming from the female perspective of wanting to make it as easy as possible on yourself (which I can understand). The only problem is here's what will happen if she says that and goes on the date (coming from someone who's been rejected as much as you've rejected). He will think that she's giving him a chance. Women say that type of stuff all the time, "I'm only interested as friends, but yea let's go to the movies." What he's thinking is, "Oh, she's unsure right now, but I'll win her." She has no physical attraction. No overcoming that. Best to just shoot him down 100% now. Edited June 8, 2013 by JuneJulySeptember
Cutiepie1976 Posted June 8, 2013 Posted June 8, 2013 "I only want to be friends. I want nothing else" is giving you a chance? Dude, that's living in fantasy land. Yes, I'll go on a date with you is giving you a chance. If you want clarity, ask for it! Will you go on a date with me gets you clarity. Trust me I have no difficulty rejecting you...and to your face, if I'm not interested and you actually state you true intentions. But you don't. Don't try this back door crap of let me try to sneak in the back door of friendship because she'll probably reject me otherwise! Then if she rejects me I can tell her I never asked or I don't see her that way. Her statement tells you try that silly tactic, and I'm telling you nicely upfront, your "friendship" will go absolutely nowhere. You're struggling for a reason. Your posts and threads clearly reflect why.
JuneJulySeptember Posted June 8, 2013 Posted June 8, 2013 (edited) "I only want to be friends. I want nothing else" is giving you a chance? Dude, that's living in fantasy land. Yes, I'll go on a date with you is giving you a chance. If you want clarity, ask for it! Will you go on a date with me gets you clarity. Trust me I have no difficulty rejecting you...and to your face, if I'm not interested and you actually state you true intentions. But you don't. Don't try this back door crap of let me try to sneak in the back door of friendship because she'll probably reject me otherwise! Then if she rejects me I can tell her I never asked or I don't see her that way. Her statement tells you try that silly tactic, and I'm telling you nicely upfront, your "friendship" will go absolutely nowhere. You're struggling for a reason. Your posts and threads clearly reflect why. Yea. No kidding it's fantasy land. But I've been there and lots of other guys have been there. The truth is women are NOT upfront and blunt with their lack of interest. If you want examples, I can PM you, but I'll warn you, they are bad. I don't do tactics. I find out if a woman is interested in me right away, and if she isn't I move on. We're talking 5 minutes. But I DO have sympathy for less experienced guys who are where I used to be and try and convince women to let them down easy. Lonely guys tend to jump on girls who 'give them a chance' in their minds and get infatuated. Pathetic? Perhaps. Still, you need to have sympathy and be blunt. It's a lot worse for them. Edited June 8, 2013 by JuneJulySeptember
JuneJulySeptember Posted June 8, 2013 Posted June 8, 2013 Work is work. Tell him you don't bring sand to the beach. Not good, because she might end up dating someone else from work.
StanMusial Posted June 8, 2013 Posted June 8, 2013 Any females have advice on how a man should reject a female coworker?
JuneJulySeptember Posted June 8, 2013 Posted June 8, 2013 Any females have advice on how a man should reject a female coworker? I don't see how it would be any different. How does anybody know this guy is "lonely"? You don't. But you be nice and sympathetic and assume he is. Or you could just be of the attitude, "That's their problem." But I will let a woman down super nice and be super clear if I have no interest.
JuneJulySeptember Posted June 8, 2013 Posted June 8, 2013 I'm not sure she will. Did she say she would? If she has an attractive male coworker than she will. One of my last coworkers rejected one of my other coworkers on the premise that she didn't date at work and then barely months later was all hot and heavy with another more attractive guy from work. Sufficient to say, that was not good for the first guy's psyche. It's just about doing the little things to make sure other people don't suffer.
KatZee Posted June 8, 2013 Posted June 8, 2013 Everyone here seems to be under the assumption he's DEFINITELY into her on a romantic level. Until he comes out and asks you out like a DATE date, then I would just hang out if you want to be his friend. I went through the same thing with a male coworker of mine. We became friends, we did lunch on occasion, and after a little bit of this he DID come out and try to ask me out on a date. I wasn't interested in him at all, so I told him the truth. And what I did say is on that list on page one of "bad" things to say, and I'm not sure why. Because when I said this to him, I was completely honest and it was true. I told him that I wasn't ready to be in a relationship because of what my ex had put me through, I said I wasn't looking for anything because I was loving the single life, and that I didn't want to cross any boundaries, I wanted to keep work strictly professional. And that was that. We're still friends now, and he never asked me out again.
JuneJulySeptember Posted June 8, 2013 Posted June 8, 2013 I told him that I wasn't ready to be in a relationship because of what my ex had put me through, I said I wasn't looking for anything because I was loving the single life, and that I didn't want to cross any boundaries, I wanted to keep work strictly professional. Read the post directly above yours. If you're sure you can stick to your guns, then the "I don't date coworkers" rule is the best line to use. But in my experience, women will fold when an attractive guy walks through the office doors.
KatZee Posted June 8, 2013 Posted June 8, 2013 Read the post directly above yours. If you're sure you can stick to your guns, then the "I don't date coworkers" rule is the best line to use. But in my experience, women will fold when an attractive guy walks through the office doors. Oh yeah. That's kind of a crappy line to use if it's not true, but for me it was. So I wasn't too worried about it. It all depends on the situation, and whatever you tell the guy SHOULD be the truth and not just some line to get him off your back.
StanMusial Posted June 8, 2013 Posted June 8, 2013 I don't see how it would be any different. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.
Author nevernotanxious Posted June 8, 2013 Author Posted June 8, 2013 There is actually a guy that I'm interested in at work haha but I have no intention of letting him know it..hehe Anyways, I'm gonna text him later today I think and tell him what I was gonna say just to make my intentions clear. So should I even go to the movie with him or just flat out say I changed my mind? What reason could I give for changing my mind? I was gonna say something about my intentions, and then be like "I realized seeing a movie before my shift is just gonna make me sleepy so.." but that only opens it up to be rescheduled, which I don't really want because that might lead him on too.
StanMusial Posted June 8, 2013 Posted June 8, 2013 Any females have advice on how a man should reject a female coworker? Anyone? Surely someone could chime in with some advice... don't make me open a new thread! OP, how about if the shoe was on the other foot? How would you take a rejection from a coworker?
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