How Much is Too Much - When is Love Not Enough

[swimswithjeans]

I can tell at the beginning of this that this will be a very long post. So, please, bear with me. Reading this forum truly has been a source of comfort and the insight that lies within the users of this forum is nothing short of astounding to me. It is times like these I am truly grateful for the internet.

 

J and I began dating 6 months ago. He was less than a year out of a divorce, but seemed to be ready to move on. The connection between us was undeniable and nothing like I have ever felt before. There is quite an age gap - he is almost 16 years older than I, but that did not phase me. He claims it did not phase him, but I believe that to be untrue. I can understand why he gets freaked out about it sometimes, he is scared by how much he changed from when he was my age to the age he is now. His separation really did a number on him, I can sense that but I have not been with someone for 10 years so I won't pretend that I know what it feels like to have your best friend and companion leave you. He acknowledges and understands that his relationship with his wife is over and almost all ties are cut as of now- just some outstanding paperwork remains.

 

Shortly after our relationship began, he received word his dad was to pass away. J and his father had a horrible relationship - but it came to be that J would be the one to take care of his father and be his dad's sole caretaker; driving him to chemo, doctor's appointments, et cetera... And their relationship has grown significantly over the past few months. J has shared all of this with me and has asked me on multiple occasions if I will be there for him when his father passes - of course, there has always been a resounding yes from me.

 

I have never faltered in my desire to be with him. Despite my age, I know what I want, and I have always wanted him. In my previous relationships, I have kept most of my significant others at a distance - simply as an act of self preservation. I was always very kind to my SO's, but trust is a hard thing for me to give. Like every other girl in the world, I have had my heart broken and torn out of my chest and stomped on a few times. This said, I was always very clear about my 'dealbreakers' and would give a second chance but not a third; there are some things I knew I would not compromise with...

 

Until J. Now, most of this is out the window. About every 4-6 weeks, J goes through a period of needing space. He does not tell me this, but leaves me to figure it out. He stops responding to calls and texts - occasionally he will email me a funny YouTube link during these periods, but mostly he disappears for about 4ish days on end; longer if I try excessively to contact him. Needless to say, this drives me insane. Originally, I pegged this as a situational behavior; as in, he needed time to adjust to being in a relationship, he was overwhelmed with his father... Blah blah blah. Now, it is a full-blown habit. I think he just gets emotionally overwhelmed and shuts down. At 37 years old, this is not a healthy habit to have and I can't imagine how his wife could have put up with it for that long. I can't imagine how I have put up with it for this long. I am ashamed to say that, often, by the time he comes back from one of these I am just so happy to hear from him that, after brief communication, I try to move on with him from it. I will say this is absolutely unlike me; I think of my other relationships and if this would have happened, I would have said 'not worth it' and walked away. This said, when he is not in one of these stages, he is so incredibly attentive and sweet.

 

Multiple times he has told me I am the one, his real match. He has told me that he has never wanted to be with anyone before with trueness guiding his path until me. He says he loves me so much and can't imagine life without me and does not want to let me go - ever.

 

I adore this man. I feel like he is part of me and the thought of losing him devastates me. Devastates me. Let me clarify by saying I am not afraid to be alone; I am afraid to be without him. We have an unbelievable bond and chemistry; I have never before dated someone who I also felt was my best friend. My hand fits perfectly in his, my head in the crook of his neck. I have always had horrible insomnia and nightmares; he holds me until I fall asleep and we wake up in the middle of the night together without a word. He is my person.

 

This said, he seems so lost. Most recently, his no contact bout came at a terrible point. I had purchased for us front row tickets to my favorite show and he wouldn't even respond to tell me if he would be there. We had these plans in place for months - I was so excited. Then, midnight the day of, he tells me he is going to go to Home Depot and do this project for his dad... Needless to say, I was quite upset and made it known. He told me he would do what was asked of him and asked me what time and where this thing was. This was too little too late for me and I was very upset. I think anyone would be; I'm tired of being ignored when he knows that it hurts me so. I think there is just a disconnect there; he is aware that his actions hurt me, yet does those actions anyway even though he has no intention of hurting me.

 

It's been a week and a half since he has called me- I had gotten a few 'I love you's sporadically via text message and unfortunately have not been the calmest of creatures this past week, especially with the cancelled plans. I have 'freaked out' on him via text message multiple times, no name calling or anything like that, but it couldn't have been great for him to read the texts I sent. Last night I sent him an email just asking for a phone call for a minute to hear about his day. No pressure. He responded with 'lets just let go.'

 

I can't imagine he would have taken a week and a half to decide to break up with me. Though my actions were not necessarily tactful, I think they were a reasonable reaction to my feelings of hurt and neglect. It's not the fact that he needed space; I am independent and can fill my life with other things, it's the fact that he doesn't tell me flat out he needs space or try and compromise by saying 'hey, I need a few days, but I will call you on ________.' I think that would be fine with me; I have communicated this to him and he always says he'll try to do that but it has not happened. I have apologized for the way I talked to him the last few days and explained my words came from a place of hurt. His bouts of no contact seem to come at times of minor conflict in our relationship - he unfortunately cancels plans sometimes (I think this is a personality difference between him and I and I accept that), so this started after he had cancelled plans that I moved a lot of things around for. My reaction was calm and articulate, though disappointed. Then, voila, he is gone like the wind. Maybe he pushes me away in this so he can't be hurt.

 

After his text 'lets just let go' I tried to call him. I was understandably very upset. Not angry, hurt. Unfortunately, I think I may have pushed him into a corner causing him to say this; this has happened before and he has come around. I don't know if he will this time. I told him I didn't want our relationship to end this way, and if he wanted to break up I respect that, but I would like to have a conversation about it.

 

Really, I think he is so delicate. I don't think I'm trying to 'fix' him; though acknowledge that is a possibility. He has enriched my life so much - taught me bunches, given me companionship like I have never had before. He has a part of me and he makes me want to be a better person.

 

I acknowledge that there could be someone else; I doubt that there is, knowing what I know about him. But acknowledge that possibility; he said there is not, I believe him and have no reason not to. Unfortunately, I think he was in a communication-less marriage for so long that he forgets sometimes that you need to communicate.

 

I don't know if this is the end... But I hope it's not. My heart hurts, I care for him so and the thought of him feeling alone kills me. I want him to be happy and can't imagine he would be happier without me than with me; but who am I to make a statement like that.

 

For him to end it after leaving me hanging... Man, that would just be cruel. I don't even know what I would do. I have read 'He's Just Not That Into You' and I don't think this is an example of that. I believe he loves me. Most of the time I believe he is doing the best that he can. He is 37 and stuck in his ways and I accept that and told him I will not try and change him, only grow and learn with him.

 

I am always willing to go out of my way for him; I think that is both a personality and womanly instinct thing... I want to take care of him and be cared for by him... Just last week we talked about living together. We go from so so close to... Nothing. This. Right now I think the relationship is worth it for me; I am happier than I am sad with him... But at what point do I let go and how do I distinguish his issues from issues with the actual relationship?

 

If this were a friend asking me for advice; I can't imagine what I would say. Probably follow your gut... My gut tells me he is my person and I want to be by his side for a long long time. I believe in him so much and love him unconditionally; maybe that is scaring him. The world has been cruel to me but I still believe in incredible love existing somewhere out there for me and I really want to think it's with him. But when is love not enough? That is my issue with letting go; there is NO tangible explanation for us to not be together in my mind. When we are physically together, it is perfection; no fighting, nothing. I don't understand why he is so far away right now.

 

Please, any thoughts and guidance would be greatly appreciated. It has been a very trying week for me in many areas, so please be kind.

 

Thank you very much and if you got through this whole thing... Then thank you especially.

[Buttercup84]

What I learnes is that you should never make excuses for anyone. How old is he ? You sound way more mature than he does.

 

He is rude and does not consider your feelingd at all. Seems like he only wants you around when it suits him.

[Leigh 87]

I am so sorry you're going through this. Wow, it really sounds like you have lost the love of your life (at least in your eyes, if not his)

 

I have never been in your situation, so I cannot offer any good advice. I can say, though, that it sounds more like he has issues than he lacked love for you. I mean, most guys that talk about you being the "one" for them and that you're the women they have most wanted to be with? Well, they are either outright lying OR; they genuinely are in love with you. Especially given he has had experience in long term relationship and has been involved with multiple women! I would say his feelings for you were legitimate, given he had many other women to know what he "real thing" was.

 

The thing about break ups I DO know, is: we will NEVER get total closure! We will never know for SURE if they were really in love with us, or not.

 

We will never know if they did what they did (left!) because WE were simply not enough for them.

 

We will never know if they left because they lacked enough love for us, meaning they WOULD have stayed with a women they DID Love enough. It could be the case that they are not suitable for a relationship right not. With ANYONE.

 

Please, as close as you were with him and as much as he has been IT for you so far, when compared to all the other guys; you have to let him go.

 

When a man wants out, the more you push, you would know by now that they will pull away the more you reach out. Even dudes who were REALLY into you!

 

He may come back once he sorts out his issues, but first, you know that you need to prove that you CAN live without this man. If he begs for another chance, it should only be after you cut all contact, and only if YOU feel he has worked hard enough on himself for you to be able to trust him again.

 

Like the poster Tara Maiden says: go No Contact, and if he DOES come back, which he likely will contact you again in the future; he HAS to beg for you back, and he HAS to have done actual WORK to fix himself.

 

I know you want him back right now, but he has really betrayed your trust.... He did not deal with his personal issues in a way that was fair on you! He is the one who needs to win YOU over again in the future.

 

Good luck. I am getting over an almost years relationship and I know it feels like nothing else, the pain of a break up. I too, thought we were going to get married and have a life together.

 

I really wish you the best. You know what you have to do. I can tell you have self respect and you KNOW you need to stand on your own two feet again, and only accept him back if HE is the one who changes.

[Buttercup84]

37 ? Sorry love, he will not change. As hard as it is, let him go. You deserve so much better.

[TaraMaiden]

He's a classic Narcissist.

[swimswithjeans]

Buttercup...

 

I agree with you. Perhaps I am making excuses for him. The thing is... I can't see him not doing this with someone else. Therefore, this must be an issue with HIM. One that I am sure he can/will overcome someday.

 

He is 37. Unfortunately, his emotional intelligence is high at some points and so low at others. His perspective clearly gets foggy sometimes because of his low self-esteem I think.

 

I am much younger than he, but have made it CLEAR to him that I would be faithful to him and I am not just with him in order to wait for someone better to come along.

 

Really, I love him... But it is SO awfully annoying to be ignored. Especially after a text like he sent me last night and never really followed up with. Unless that IS it, which, knowing him... There's no way to know for sure. I am scared at how he can compartmentalize the way that he does; he can absolutely flip a switch and disconnect from his emotions.

[TaraMaiden]

Listen very carefully:

 

Actions speak louder than Words.

 

Never believe a person when they say one thing, but constantly do another.

He's a user.

You're so much younger than he is, all you're going to end up doing is being his nursemaid with benefits.

 

He's self-interested and puts himself first.

he's inconsiderate and as far as he is concerned, the bonus is that in spite of all his bad treatment of you, you keep bouncing back, like some puppy he kicks across the yard.

 

Result!!

 

You're an option.

You're convenient, and a great leaning post.

 

But a relationship?

 

You're kidding, right?

 

This guy is seriously messed up.

You're not there to fix him, or anything else that is going on in his life.

All you're doing right now is simply enabling his dreadful behaviour.

Every time you respond, you support the way he's acting.

 

This isn't any kind of relationship.

Even in your apparently angriest moments, you have been considerate and thoughtful.

 

he has merely lapped it up and treated you with just more of the same.

 

And seriously, much as you may love him, trust me on this one:

 

This is the way it will always be.

Because this is the way you have agreed it will be.

[swimswithjeans]

I also want to talk about... What happens when his dad dies?

 

I know - no matter WHAT - he will reach out to me. I understand the NC thing and I will try my very hardest to follow through with that. But it's not like J has a whole lot of support in his life. He has friends, yes, but he doesn't open up to people a lot. I can just sense that from the way he has talked to me.

 

Maybe he is a narcissist; I can see why one would say that about him. Truly I feel for this man and believe he is a good person and the world just got to him. He doesn't have any ill-intentions; I believe that as well.

 

But when his father passes away and he reaches out to me - and this could be any day now - what do I do? I am anything but heartless and have no interest in playing heartless and can't imagine I would ignore him but... What about me? I don't want to re-open wounds but... I would really be there for him through anything. I can't just turn that on and off about ANYONE. Really the world has not been kind to J and though he hasn't treated me fairly the last thing I want to do is contribute to the unkindness he has experienced. I want to be okay, too, though.

 

This is clearly a delicate matter, too... Thoughts?

[TaraMaiden]

Be compassionate.

 

Learn the difference between being compassionate and being a doormat.

 

Let him be emotional, but don't be his crutch.

[lavenderlove]

He sounds a lot like my ex. In the way that when he is into me, it is amazing to be with him in every way. But he hasn't been for the last few years. And I keep remembering that amazing person he can be, that he is not anymore.

 

So when you ask the question How much is too much and how much love is not enough, you must ask the same from his side too.

Do you feel that he loves you? Does he try to make YOU happy?

 

I think you can show all the patience and love you have, and it sounds like you have a lot, he will not come around. I learnt this on my own skin.

 

After all the pain I went through with my relationship I can hardly imagine what it feels like to be loved back 100%, no doubts, no complications, no bull****. To be with someone who you can build a life with. Where happiness grows.

 

You see being with someone like J prevents you from meeting someone who will truly love you. This is where relationships like this get so toxic. Please stop giving him your all, you get sucked dry.

 

 

And listen to Tara:

 

This is the way it will always be.

Because this is the way you have agreed it will be.

[Buttercup84]

I am very sorry for your pain hun. Believe me, I can relate to loving someone so much,despite poor treatment.

 

As women we love to "save" men and look after them. That just makes you a good person, but he will just drag you down with him.

 

There is nothing wrong with being there for someone during a hard time, but he is not treating you with respect or being there for you.

 

Even when I am going through a hard time, I make sure I make time for other people as well.

[swimswithjeans]

I think you are all so right.

 

My heart truly hurts; I think more than it ever has. Really I love J but he doesn't even have it in him to really break up with me... Well, maybe he does, but just not yet.

 

I just texted him and told him I get the message and wished him the best of luck with everything.

 

What hurts the most is all of the things I never had the chance to show him or experience with him; we had so much planned.

 

If I could do anything to change this or try to make it better... Oh God I absolutely would and in a heartbeat. I just don't know what's going on with him at all. I have no answers. The last time we talked on the phone a week and a half ago we were so, so in love and excited to see each other.I don't understand how it shifts so quickly with him. The vast amount of love I have for him really overwhelmed the toxicity he created.

 

I know he loved me. I have that luxury- of knowing that for sure. I can even say he won't do better than me.. I can't say I know why this happened. Unlike my last breakups, the thought of meeting anyone else is not comforting at all to me.

 

I can't eat. I can't sleep. My heart is either sunken in my stomach or nowhere to be found.

 

Really I just wanted to hug him goodbye which, of course, solves nothing. But the last time I saw him I was really sick and our last hug was short and I don't want to remember him like that.

 

I found his OkCupid profile as well last night; that just makes me want to die. It said 'ONLINE NOW' and that he replies often on it so I imagine he has been active on it even during our relationship.

[TaraMaiden]

Read the No Contact Guide in my signature (item 2).

 

It's written from the perspective of the dumpee, not the dumper, but to my way of seeing this, he's the one who kept nailing it shut, and not putting his all into it.

Your heart is as fragile and shattered as that of any one who has been thrown to the lions....

 

Adhere to it.

Strictly, rigidly unequivocally.

 

The Guide is in the first post, but there are good posts that follow in the remainder of the thread, too....

 

Please stay strong.

You've been strong for him all the way through this, and carried him.

 

This time, you need to show the same amount of care, compassion and consideration for yourself.

 

You are more deserving of it.

That's not flattery, that's fact.

 

If you don't look to yourself, above all else - then how can you ever hope to love as much again, if you don't treat yourself as you'd treat others?