I'm not crazy after all :-)

[NHStrider]

I’ve only been on the site 24hrs and I learned a new term that makes me realize that I’m not crazy after all; “Gas Lighting”

 

I’ve never heard the phrase before but it’s comforting to know that there’s a name for what my ex-wife did and that I’m not the only one who’s experienced it. It was one of the most confusing aspects of the divorce ordeal for me.

 

It took a year and a half from the first discussions of separation to the finalization of our divorce. During that time, I tried all I could do to save the marriage without completely sacrificing my spirit and self-respect. I tried to hold her close when she needed it and I gave her space when she asked for it but I couldn’t keep-up with the swings in her expectations and I was blown away by the way she was revising our history.

 

In hind-sight I know now that she had already started a long distance relationship with the OM and that she was building a case that could justifying her leaving me to family and friends. If she could prove I was broken, she could walk away with a clear conscience. It almost worked; her friends had nothing but sympathy for her until her house-of-cards started to collapse and she had me questioning my sanity more than once.

 

For example:

-She insisted that I needed individual counseling expecting that I would be resistant to go. Within two weeks of her suggestion, I decided to go with an open mind to see what I could discover. I turned out to be a great experience for me but when my counselor suggested that what we really needed was couples counseling she refused saying that clearly my counselor was missing my individual problems and that I probably wasn’t being honest with her. She accused me of being disengaged although I was going to counseling weekly and sharing everything about it with her. I came to realize that she was projecting her own feelings on me. She was the one being less than honest with her counselor, she wasn’t sharing anything about her counseling with me and she eventually stopped going; yet I was the one disengaged.

 

-A couple years before the marriage started to crumble she had been through a serious health crisis. During the time that she was sick I never missed a doctor’s appointment, never missed a treatment appointment and we talked through every decision she needed to make at length. I took over all of the household responsibilities and tried my best to take care of her. I was doing the things that I think a good spouse should do. I didn’t look at it as extraordinary or a sacrifice, it was just the right thing to do. During the separation, she convinced her friends that I had left her to make every decision on her own and that I had treated her as a maid while she was sick. She even tried to convince me that I felt her illness was an inconvenience. That was a thought that had never crossed my mind.

 

I realize now that there were many other times she “gas lighted” me during the break-up. She’d pick fights over minor things or create imaginary problems. Many times, she twisted my words into something I never intended. At one point, I express genuine concern for her when her relationship with our daughters started to suffer. She twisted my concern into an insult and said I was calling her a bad mother which was never my intention.

 

Her perception of our relationship (at least the one she communicated) and my perception were so different that I really was starting to question reality at times. Reading the posts here has helped me realize that I’m not the only one to experience this strange phenomenon.

 

It's been hard to see that that the women I loved was actually a stranger to me in so many ways. I'm learning to cope with that but I'm angry that she had to try to assassinate my character to justify her leaving. I still have a little ego left :-)

 

Thank you!

[2sure]

yes, it's a relief. You're not crazy . It happened. It's breathtaking isn't it?

 

Being gaslighted has its own recovery process...

It's different than just getting past a divorce or even infidelity.

 

It's hard to trust your perception and judgement after you've been gaslighted by someone who is really hurting you while all the time convincing you , youre imagining it.

[NHStrider]

yes, it's a relief. You're not crazy . It happened. It's breathtaking isn't it?

 

Being gaslighted has its own recovery process...

It's different than just getting past a divorce or even infidelity.

 

It's hard to trust your perception and judgement after you've been gaslighted by someone who is really hurting you while all the time convincing you , youre imagining it.

 

Thank you for this 2sure. You've put into words exactly what I've come to feel.

 

I've had to separate my recovery from the divorce and from the gaslighting and I think I'm at different milestones in each path.

 

Both experiences have hurt like hell but I think the gaslighting has effected other aspects of my life too. There are days I'm less confident than I once was in my work and as a parent thanks to this experience.

 

In one session I told my counselor that I didn't know if I could ever trust again. She asked if I meant I couldn't trust another person or if I couldn't trust my judgment to choose another person. I had to answer both.

[Shocked Suzie]

What's 'gas lighting'?? Is there a post on here about it...not heard this be4

[Gunny376]

The term "gas-lighting" steems from the 1940's film "Gaslight" Gaslight (1944) - IMDb (A very good movie btw! And one I would highly recommend watching)

 

But in layman's terms? It kinda' ~ sorta' ~ well someone pissing on your leg and then telling you or actually trying to convince you that its actually just raining.

 

In the context of marriage/relationship/ etc? Its usually and can be much more than that in which the other person is attempting to convince you that it is you that is the cause of all of the problems, that it is you has all the problems and issues, that its you that needs counseling, that its you that has all of the short-comings, that its you the reason that the marriage is breaking up. Etc, etc, etc ~ Fill in the blank____________________

 

More often than not its to relieve any real or imagine guilt, shame, responsibility for the dissolution of the marriage / relationship? Its an attempt to remove any personal accountability. Additonally its an attempt to make the BS look like the culprit and the 'bad-guy' in the eyes of friends and family.

 

And yes, more often than not? There's a martial affair involved?

[Shocked Suzie]

Ann thanks then I'm a victim of this too then! I'll check out the movie

[marqueemoon4]

Seems like if you're dealing with someone who has no problem lying, then gas lighting wouldn't be a big deal to them either. I guess you just have to have faith in your recollection/analysis of past events.

[NHStrider]

Seems like if you're dealing with someone who has no problem lying, then gas lighting wouldn't be a big deal to them either..

 

Absolutely, with my ex, chronic lying was a component. What was scary was when I could tell she was actually starting to believe her lies were the truth. I think there was some real narcissistic behavior on her part and a complete inability to accept responsibility for her actions.

[Shocked Suzie]

Ann thanks then I'm a victim of this too then! I'll check out the movie

 

Sorry Gunny ...know idea where the Ann name came from lol...silly iPad

 

NHStrider... Apparently I'm responsible for two visa card in my H name that I knew nothing about! Also that our huge debt is because I spent too much on grocery shopping and it's my fault he had an affair...this is coming from a man that's currently on his 3rd holiday in 6months since his leaving...

 

I understand...unfortunately

[zoobadger]

My STBE (soon to be ex) raised gaslighting to an art form. It was constant. The most irksome example would be to say or do something painfully unkind and insulting and then become peevish because I took it "personally" or sclold me for being excessively sensitive for being hurt by her unkindness. In fact, after 12 years with her I've grown to be quite thick-skinned.

 

This behavior began about six years ago and got worse and worse until finally our marriage broke down.

 

I called her out on it many times but the behavior continued.

 

We're splitting up which is definitely for the best. I'm pretty battle scarred right now and can't imagine being in a relationship with a "typical" person who doesn't behave in flagrantly unkind and dishonest ways as a lifestyle. Intellectually I know that most women - most people - aren't abusive like that but my heart is wearing a suit of armor right now.

[NHStrider]

NHStrider... Apparently I'm responsible for two visa card in my H name that I knew nothing about!

 

Ha! another parallel...

 

My wife ran up 20k in credit card debt. When I first discovered it and started to ask questions she got mad at me because I "didn't trust her and never had". Neither of which were true up to that point. We were bleeding money in interest payments (30%) until I took out a loan against my retirement fund to clear it.

 

In the divorce settlement she finally took responsibility for half of the remaining balance (only 5k ny then) but she never once admitted that she had caused the problem to begin with no matter how many times we discussed it,

 

I can truly empathize Suzie

[Shocked Suzie]

Ha! another parallel...

 

My wife ran up 20k in credit card debt. When I first discovered it and started to ask questions she got mad at me because I "didn't trust her and never had". Neither of which were true up to that point. We were bleeding money in interest payments (30%) until I took out a loan against my retirement fund to clear it.

In the divorce settlement she finally took responsibility for half of the remaining balance (only 5k ny then) but she never once admitted that she had caused the problem to begin with no matter how many times we discussed it,

 

I can truly empathize Suzie

 

 

Ahh divorce settlement...can't wait for that to come :eek:

 

Sad thing is first few meet up's we had after he left, he left me thinking it was true! I thought it WAS all my fault!!

[NHStrider]

My STBE (soon to be ex) raised gaslighting to an art form. It was constant. The most irksome example would be to say or do something painfully unkind and insulting and then become peevish because I took it "personally" or sclold me for being excessively sensitive for being hurt by her unkindness.

 

I alluded to it above already, my wife always took the righteous indignation route...

 

- She ran up the 20k in debt. Then got mad at me when I notiiced

 

- During the separation she went away for a "weekend" telling nobody where she was going (not even our kids) then finally returned 11 days later after no contact. Then she got mad at me because on day 7 or 8 I had started opening her mail and discovered through a bank statement where she had really gone.

 

- In the final stages of the divorce our daughter discovered that I was not her biological father. Then she got mad at my daughter for discovering the truth.

[NHStrider]

I thought it WAS all my fault!!

 

Suzie, I'm sorry to hear you've experienced the same things I have but I do take comfort that I'm not alone and it's a recognized phenomenon with these narcissists.

 

I'm the first to say that I'm not a perfect man and that I made mistakes too. They weren't at the level of her mistakes though .

 

The thing that was most insidious about her gaslighting was that she would take my failings and blow them so out of proportion that I stated to believe that I was far more at fault than I really was.

 

Only time and distance has helped me to understand that she was blaming me (and our daughters) to justify her unjustifiable behavior. If she wanted/needed to leave then leave but she didn't have to destroy us on the way out of the door.

[zoobadger]

I alluded to it above already, my wife always took the righteous indignation route...

 

- She ran up the 20k in debt. Then got mad at me when I notiiced

 

- During the separation she went away for a "weekend" telling nobody where she was going (not even our kids) then finally returned 11 days later after no contact. Then she got mad at me because on day 7 or 8 I had started opening her mail and discovered through a bank statement where she had really gone.

 

- In the final stages of the divorce our daughter discovered that I was not her biological father. Then she got mad at my daughter for discovering the truth.

 

OMG. That's exactly what my STBE does. When you bust her for something any reasonable person would agree was bad behavior she gets mad at you for calling her out on it.

 

Simple example: I'm carrying our toddler son in one hand and luggage in the other. She passes through the screen door and simply let's it go so that I have to drop the luggage and turn suddenly to prevent the door from crashing into my son's head. I scold her - fairly gently, mind you - and she EXPLODES with anger at me. At that moment I began to realize with certainty that I could not, in fact, spend the rest of my life with this person.

 

Reading your posts is making me feel better. It reminds me that in spite of the hurt this will cause the kids, in spite of the anxiety I'm feeling about the future, in spite of the financial chaos this is causing, it's good for me in the long run.

 

Edit: she treats the kids much better than me. But I'm starting to see signs of the same behavior towards our 11 year old daughter which is alarming.

[Steadfast]

Seems like if you're dealing with someone who has no problem lying, then gas lighting wouldn't be a big deal to them either.

 

This is an extraordinarily difficult situation. I'd wager it is one of the biggest challenges a betrayed spouse faces. In order to reach a point of understanding, the lies must be unraveled along with the motivation.

 

Sounds like you've done it OP, but that does not allow the disappointment to disappear. You'll have a much keener sense of awareness from now on. Truthfully? It's a shame people have to experience this to realize it exists.

 

It's how liars manipulate. The saddest part is when they start to believe the lies themselves. Ask yourself; how can such a person be reached? Surprisingly, a non-reaction may be the most effective. Don't give the lies legs to run on. Life is 5% of what happens to us, 95% how we react to it.

[NHStrider]

OMG. That's exactly what my STBE does....

Reading your posts is making me feel better...

 

I feel you pain and I thank you for sharing it helps me to know that I'm not alone too.

 

I would watch your STBE behavior toward the kids in the log run. I'm not a psychologist but I think this behavior isn't reserved for only a spouse. The inability to take responsibility for their actions effects all relationships spouse, children, family work etc.

 

My daughters are young adults but they've both been the victim of her actions. The ex has spun stories about them and painted them as unappreciative and selfish kids because she can't look beyond her own self centered desires. A classic example is tallying the number of phone calls that go each direction between her and the girls. What I mean by that is, if she calls a daughter then she expects that the next communication will be that daughter calling her. This seems Ok on the surface but if the number of calls gets out of balance then she shuts off communication all together. I call it "The her family name Cone of Silence", I've seen her parents and siblings go for two or more years without communicating with each other simply because each believes it's the next one's turn to call. The would rather invest their energy being mad because they're "right" then to let go of a problem. I honestly thought that my wife realized how crazy this was but she had gone weeks at a time not talking to the girls for the same reason.

Edited June 8, 2013 by NHStrider

[zoobadger]

Absolutely, with my ex, chronic lying was a component. What was scary was when I could tell she was actually starting to believe her lies were the truth. I think there was some real narcissistic behavior on her part and a complete inability to accept responsibility for her actions.

 

Yeah my wife definitely has a streak of narcissism. Everything she does: professionally, parenting, even routine activities of day to day life are all herculean accomplishments which others don't fully appreciate or understand. She's very competent at her job and truly is remaking some programs and projects in her workplace right now, but you'd think she was carving Mount Rushmore to hear her tell about it. And, of course, in the rare instance that I might discuss my own job, she's dismissive.

 

Part of the problem might simply be that she finds me unbearable and is at her absolutely worst when I'm around. She denies this, but who would admit, "Yeah, the mere sight of you is demoralizing and depresses me," lol.

 

In any event, just signed a new lease and I'm moving out two weeks from Monday. It's not something I want to celebrate, but the healing can't begin until I'm on my own.

 

Sadly, we need to co-parent so I'm trying to vent here and other places, but not let my resentment blacken the lives of my kids. Gotta work with her as best I can.

[K Os]

Sadly, we need to co-parent so I'm trying to vent here and other places, but not let my resentment blacken the lives of my kids. Gotta work with her as best I can.

For sure. The word to aim for is 'civility'. There's a big gap between friendship and civility. Civility is what I do and it gets me through - that and never discussing her with my son. Try to be neutral and calm. It helps your mind recover, as well as being the best state for dealing with whatever gets thrown at you. Edited June 8, 2013 by K Os

[It's Just Me]

Gotta hand it to both of you - amazing resilience and terrific understanding that the kids come first, no matter what. It's a beautiful thing to behold.

 

Kudos, gentlemen.

[Shocked Suzie]

This is an extraordinarily difficult situation. I'd wager it is one of the biggest challenges a betrayed spouse faces. In order to reach a point of understanding, the lies must be unraveled along with the motivation.

 

Sounds like you've done it OP, but that does not allow the disappointment to disappear. You'll have a much keener sense of awareness from now on. Truthfully? It's a shame people have to experience this to realize it exists.

 

It's how liars manipulate. The saddest part is when they start to believe the lies themselves. Ask yourself; how can such a person be reached? Surprisingly, a non-reaction may be the most effective. Don't give the lies legs to run on.

Life is 5% of what happens to us, 95% how we react to it.

 

 

So very true!!

[zoobadger]

For sure. The word to aim for is 'civility'. There's a big gap between friendship and civility. Civility is what I do and it gets me through - that and never discussing her with my son. Try to be neutral and calm. It helps your mind recover, as well as being the best state for dealing with whatever gets thrown at you.

 

My problem is that I still feel an instinctive need to have a special place in my ex's consciousness, if not her heart. And she's just not that kind of person. Other women I know openly discuss their various ex-boyfriends and have strong feelings about them one way or the other. My wife, never, ever talked about former lovers. They're not even ghosts. It's like they never existed.

 

So even though we are absolutely doing the right thing by splitting up, the fact that I'm being buried in the same deep, dark vault where the rest of her forgotten lovers languish is painful.

[NHStrider]

Zoo, I can relate to this feeling very much. I try to convince myself that it’s unproductive to dwell on it but it creep into my consciousness frequently.

 

After a year of on again off again separation my EW decided she was done. It was time to hit the reset button and move 2000 miles away. She waited until I was in Europe on business rented a U-Haul and arrived at our house to clean out her belongings. She gave my daughters 24 hours notice that she was leaving but didn’t even call me.

 

On the same day I was robbed in a train station in Belgium. She didn’t call to see if I was Ok or if I needed money wired to me. She showed no concern. I knew then, that I didn’t mean anything to her any more.

 

It’s so difficult to reconcile that someone who once told me that I was her world, appears to not even think of me anymore. She didn’t leave only me, she left her children, grandchildren, family; everything. She started a completely new life, leaving behind everything we once considered precious.

 

Does she think of me, does she care at all, did she ever care? Does it matter?

[aliveagain]

Friend, why do you care about her, she's not the prize, you, your children and the grandchildren are, let her hit her bottom. She will soon find that the grass was not greener, hopefully by then you will have permanently moved on. She is a lying cheating coward, good riddance.

[imtooconfused]

NHStrider, you are not crazy, and you are not alone. It's stunning how many similarities I see. You are lucky to be free of this situation. For you (or for others) I wanted to add this outside link to gaslighting support site:

 

Gaslighting Definition, Techniques and Being Gaslighted - HealthyPlace

 

You have to understand that many of the resources are directed towards abused women, but men are just as susceptible to this kind of abuse, so there is no need to be ashamed to feel so controlled in a relationship.

 

For those who are in the middle of this, the best defense is to first understand how it happens and how it affects you. You will then recognize it as it is happening and you should do your best to not let it affect you. This confuses them and drives them absolutely crazy.