peabody Posted June 8, 2013 Posted June 8, 2013 Kinda long, sorry. Broke up with an ex around two months ago due to a disagreement about one of his best friends (the friend doesn't care for me, and I thought I could remedy the situation by including myself more, which obviously backfired). Though the disagreement was what caused the breakup, it was very obvious throughout his speech that he just really needed space. I was angry, hurt, etc. but he expressed how we should remain friends and that we could still "hang out." No contact wasn't an available option for any of us because we work together (really smart, right? ugh ) but I kept my end of the bargain by remaining his friend but going cold turkey on contact outside of work. No texts, no calls, only communicating when we had to be together. Needless to say it was ridiculously awkward at first. THEN there's the part where we share (well, shared past tense) mutual friends. I say shared because they basically broke up with me, when he left (sans one who is my best friend). Flash forward a month, he goes out of town but tells me to text him. I do and we end up talking off and on for hours that day, then I disappear. He comes back into town and we hang out for the first time, and end up inadvertently spending the day together, though the latter half is at a party with other people we know. I don't get my hopes up though-- I stay friendly but keep my distance. Now to the present, he's been randomly more communicative these days. At work, even after that first hang out, we usually just keep it friendly and just do our own thing but this past week he's been seeking me out. He'll come grab me for lunch (he even tried to pay once and I had to stop him) or nonchalantly mention plans and say "We'll do that one day..." It's weird. Physical contact has also increased a lot. My best friend who also works with us says he can notice a definite change and says we've been interacting like a couple. While I don't mind the attention, I also don't want to get my hopes up about us getting back together. Personally, I feel as though he wants me separated completely from his friends because he seems to have no qualms about us being alone or with his family, but still hangs out w/them exclusively.
Leigh 87 Posted June 8, 2013 Posted June 8, 2013 OH man, I have been in a VERY similar position. My ex and I tried to break up once, due to his friends hating me. Two of them even abused me because of the way I look ( I am attractive to a lot of men but I have a broken nose) and also because I was socially inept when I first got together with him. I had anorexia and was socially isolated for years upon meeting my ex; I have a lot of friends NOW but it took me YEARS to get to this stage where I have learnt how to behave around people. So two of his best friends of 7 years, he chose me over them. Then a made an idiot out of myself in front of the rest of his friends as I had never drunk alcohol due to being socially isolated. He did not suggest leaving, but I felt so bad and just wanted to sort myself out and learn to be normal. I hated not being able to be around his friends and never be able to attend parties with him. In the end, he very quickly changed his mind; he wanted to be with me, yet keep his mates separate from me entirely. In the end this worked out, as we were SO close and lived together, and having our own friends was a VERY welcome part of our lives that were separate. Think about it; you see each other at work every day. What id you moved in together, too?! Having the SAME friends to hang out with would be too much, for me at least. It sucks that the people in his life do not like you, but really, it is probably more enjoyable for your relationship as a whole, if SOME part of your life is separate. .................... It sounds like he has changed his mind, too. Tread with caution, I would flat out ask him. It pays to just ask dudes what is going on so you are not guessing as to whether their behaviour means something (or not!) Just a simple : hey, I noticed you're behaviour is changing towards me, and I have to ask; what does it mean? If he does not want to get back together, leave it and ask him to please respect your space, because you will have a hard time moving on if he is always around you trying to be your "friend". I hope that helps! It does sound like he is changing his tune...
Author peabody Posted June 8, 2013 Author Posted June 8, 2013 I hated not being able to be around his friends and never be able to attend parties with him. Ugh, it is THE WORST. Especially since I just moved back home, my social circle was basically nonexistent until I met him so I feel slighted whenever I'm not out with him because we were friends first. Think about it; you see each other at work every day. What id you moved in together, too?! Having the SAME friends to hang out with would be too much, for me at least. You're so right, and I kinda realized this (but too late). He needed space, and I was not giving it to him at all. It sounds like he has changed his mind, too. Tread with caution, I would flat out ask him. It pays to just ask dudes what is going on so you are not guessing as to whether their behaviour means something (or not!) Just a simple : hey, I noticed you're behaviour is changing towards me, and I have to ask; what does it mean? His behavior did a complete 180, as if he just decided "Hey, maybe I like being around you now." I'm afraid to question it though because he could JUST being friendly. My biggest issue is that we've always been LC. He's not a phone person, doesn't communicate well (his best friends have confirmed this to me) but when in person we can talk for hours. It took forever for him to admit he was interested in me though his actions spoke otherwise. But honestly, his behavior is EXACTLY the way it was right before we got together. Lots of eye contact, staring, randomly touching...ugh:confused: I hate doing all of the work, but I don't want to miss an opportunity due to ego.
Leigh 87 Posted June 8, 2013 Posted June 8, 2013 Hey, look I know it sucks. I lived with my ex and I was, by far, the closest person to him in his life. Yet, I could not relate to the people who were less close to him than I was? In the end we did not give a ****e really, lol! As long as your dude can see WHY your friends didn't like you. That is a key point..... His friends must have brought to attention something about YOU that he agreed with them about, and he picked them over you. Sadly. I was in the position where my ex could see WHY I was the way I was; he could see I was a really good person, but had been socially isolated and had not drunk alcohol around people for many years. He could see potential in me to change for the better and he saw enough in me he thought was worth staying around for. His friends should not have been expected to know my life story, and he understood why I came off as aloof and, well, unappealing. He was happy to keep me separate, as was I. He stayed because he saw enough in me and his friends could not convince him otherwise, as they did not know me the way he did. In the end, I did end up re joining him with his friends at parties. They came around. All but one of them, who said to him " man, she has done some really effed up stuff that I cannot forget about, sorry, but if you're happy then that is ALL I care about" That is the key thing, here: can this can see enough about you that HE wants to get to know more? Does he place too much importance on what his friends think you are like, or is he willing to get to know YOU more? Is he motived to get to know you more, in spite of what his mates think of you? In the end, if he decides you're a women that he would like to get to know further in an intimate relationship, then his friends NEED to respect that. Remember - my exes friends did not bad mouth me to him. They did not like me, but they cared too much about my ex to bring him down for it. They thought less of him for being with me, but they did not TELL him such. In the end, the remaining friend who could not forgive my past antics even told him that " he would not say anything bad about me since he respected my ex, yet he did not like me but would respect the fact my ex was happy with me" Please take all that into consideration. You probably had far less about you to dislike you over! If you do not mind sharing, what is it his friends did not like you over? For me, I genuinely was socially inept and I just did not know how to handle being around people in real life.
Author peabody Posted June 8, 2013 Author Posted June 8, 2013 If you do not mind sharing, what is it his friends did not like you over? This is where it gets ~complicated so to speak. I'm on friendly terms with all of his friends except one who actually expressed romantic interest in him. He told me this at the beginning of our relationship but I thought maybe she would come around eventually. Umm...no, lol. She was actually quite friendly until the two us became involved (we were friends for quite awhile first). There was a phone conversation and apparently by the end she had expressed to him that she did not like me and had no intention of getting to know me, which dramatically threw off the group dynamic when we all hung out together (mind you, she's in a relationship). He told me this, btw. He is extremely non-confrontational, so for whatever reason he feels that it's best that we not be around each other. I'm at the point now that I don't even care, but when we broke up we were arguing about me attending a party of hers. I wanted to go because everyone else was going but he didn't think it was wise. He's always been up front and 100% honest with me, so I don't believe there was any foul play or funny business going on there (my best friend was in attendance so if there was, I would be first to know...) because when describing it, it can seem suspicious. I don't think it was a matter of him choosing his friends over me, but more so me being difficult. I was trying to be both the best friend and the girlfriend. But these days I don't question what he's doing, he naturally tells me. And I've stopped assuming that I'm automatically invited.
Leigh 87 Posted June 8, 2013 Posted June 8, 2013 Wow, my guy (and most guys in general I think!) tend to avoid drama and confrontation. If he had more of a backbone, he should have said to her " look, my girlfriend has not DONE anything wrong. If you do not like her personality and you find her unpleasant to be around, that is not my problem and I like her enough to want to get to know her further" Especially since he knew of her intentions, it is obvious she would cause drama. He should have seen it was not on YOU or anything YOU said or did. This women (or rather, girl) had it in for you from the moment you started dating. What happened with my ex, is that two of his friends were actually UNREASONABLY nasty to me. I have a broken nose that is not even that bad, and they were SO nasty about the way I look, telling him he could do SO much better, and telling him that I was weird and not "one of them" They verbally abused me. They were a couple. The man in the couple (or, BOY, rather), tried to kiss me once. He made me PROMISE to not tell my guy! Of course I felt bad and did not want to get he dude into trouble, yet I folded and had to tell my ex eventually! I mean, his best friend tried to kiss me! In the end, the couple who hated me ended up seriously abusing me, saying it was all in my head, that I was WAY to ugly for the guy to even wan to touch me (even though I am far more attractive than his girlfriend at he time), and they said the most horrible things imaginable, they even told me to kill myself because I was such a joke to humanity. They said my anorexia in the past was hilarious and they wish I had died from it. My ex, although best friends with them, decided that their actions were disgusting and he cut them out. They were all best friends who saw each other every weekend for 6 or 7 years. The moral of the story is: your ex should have enough intelligence to think for himself as to who he chooses to date and associate with.
Leigh 87 Posted June 8, 2013 Posted June 8, 2013 And DUDE. In the end, it should actually put you off HIM if friends are retards! Seriously! I ended up saying " if your "good friends" are such terrible people, I am not, honestly, feeling comfortable with you! Your friends reflect you! I broke up with him over it but we got back together soon after. He explained that he was popular in high school and he knew he was better than a lot of his friends, yet they were fun to party with in the past and present. He enjoyed them, whilst knowing he had better morals. Guess what? In the end, he used hookers whilst with me. I am not sure if that girl is just lame or she had a reason to be offended that you got with him whilst you knew she liked him? If his friends just hated you for no reason and were horrible people to you, then it would be a red flag, but it just seems like they are a bit petty and judgmental about a persons character before they actually know them well. Most people are judgmental and not all that nice in life I find, so I would not worry about their bad characters reflecting badly on your guys choice of friends, lol. Given most seemingly "nice" people act in similar ways to your guys friends:)
Author peabody Posted June 8, 2013 Author Posted June 8, 2013 Most people are judgmental and not all that nice in life I find, so I would not worry about their bad characters reflecting badly on your guys choice of friends, lol. Given most seemingly "nice" people act in similar ways to your guys friends:) This is true, because she doesn't know me AT ALL. When my ex and I were together I was REALLY adamant about trying to mend the fences and making it so that we all got along. In fact, I was hoping that this party of hers would be an opportunity. You know, smile, be friendly and nonthreatening since she's never verbally shown any ill-will towards me. But now, like I said, I could care less. At the moment, I feel like I'm being tested. As if, "Hey, I'm going out with my friends and I'm waiting for you to have an issue with it." He's actually out tonight. I knew of his plans, but when I talked to him today I didn't even bring it up.
Leigh 87 Posted June 8, 2013 Posted June 8, 2013 You sound like me, loL! I try to be nice to everyone, even if I get off on the wrong foot with them! Heck, my best friend and I got off on the wrong foot:lmao: You have done the right thing by not bringing it up. At the end of the day, as long as he has enough of a backbone to stick up for you if they bad mouth you, then you should leave it be. It is you and him, together alone, that is what matters. His friends are a separate part of his life. It can be good to share mutual friends, but it is not essential to everyone, in order to have a healthy and happy relationship. It is a deal breaker to some people if your circles of friends do not get along. I mean, my ex also told me outright, before I met his friends, that " I have yet to introduce a girl to my friends before. I am nervous and if they do not like you, I am afraid their opinions matter" It is up to the guy if their friends not welcoming you is a deal breaker. They have to be intelligent enough to see the situation for what it is; can he see it from both of your points of view? It sounds like he did not want to rock the boat too much at first and backed off from you. After all, his friends have always been there and you were just a new addition to his life. He has obviously looked back and considered that, while his friend has good points about her, her behaviour is unreasonable, and you have, in fact, done nothing personally wrong to her. He can see you have nothing about you that his friends "dislike" that compels him to agree with them, that you're not good news for him. Play it carefully. You're very right in not mentioning his friends. He would feel trapped, as he does not want to give up his friends, and he also wants to maintain some sort of contact with you, although his exact intentions will be clearer in time:) Just live your life and TRY not to get your hopes up! (I know it is hard when you like a guy!) Seriously. I would accept any feelings you have for him, but try to focus on yourself and not worry too much about what he wants with you. HE is the one who has to step up and ask for another chance. He left, remember? It is your job to live your own life, and not mention his friends so as to avoid drama. As long as you do that (not mention his friends or act funny about that. Do not be too avoidant of the topic of his friends, do not go out of your way to ignore them. If he mentions them just say " cool so how was the party? " oh man, such and such is an idiot for doing that haha how silly" ) Do you know what I mean? Do not mention them, but do not avoid them in a way that makes it obvious and forced. Do commend on things to do with his friends in a normal way, just do not bring them up on your own accord. If he does not another chance, I would ask about them in passing, just do it seems like things are not too severe (Like trying to never mention them again!) Good luck with it all. I have been through the ringer in terms of an exes friends so I know how hard it can be.
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