Author starrynightz45 Posted June 8, 2013 Author Posted June 8, 2013 That doesn't answer my question. What relationship qualities does he bring to the table? He is extremely intelligent. I mean extremely. Easily the smartest student in class. He's funny, he's chivalrous, a gentleman on the past 3 dates. He's lived in many different cities and states and has a lot of experiences to share. He's also been (up to this point) very straightforward about his intentions..almost blunt, which is something I really liked about him. He's affectionate even around friends, and a very talented artist. These are all qualities I enjoy about him so far. We are both into many of the same things, which most people our age are not as interested in. It's only been a while, so I don't know much more than that about him.
Star Gazer Posted June 8, 2013 Posted June 8, 2013 He is extremely intelligent. I mean extremely. Easily the smartest student in class. He's lived in many different cities and states and has a lot of experiences to share. ...and a very talented artist These are not relationship qualities. He's funny, he's chivalrous, a gentleman on the past 3 dates. He's also been (up to this point) very straightforward about his intentions..almost blunt, which is something I really liked about him. He's affectionate even around friends. We are both into many of the same things, which most people our age are not as interested in. These are relationship qualities. So, all you've got so far is that he's funny, chivalrous, blunt, and you share some common interests. Do you feel like your interest levels match, that you want the same thing, and that he communicates well? Do you feel like he's a man of integrity, that you can trust, who cares about your feelings? 1
Author starrynightz45 Posted June 8, 2013 Author Posted June 8, 2013 Lol. You remind me of..........me! I am very sensitive, intuitive and emotional. That combination isn't the best when handling the instability that comes with "dating". But I got so tired of the emotional highs and lows that I forced myself to detach, be more patient and to refrain from reacting impulsively to bad behaviour. Of course his response was pretty annoying. "it aint a thing". Would love to smack his face lol. (J/k). He sounds relaxed.....implicitly saying "chill out..what's the rush"? While you expected that he would be fairly excited and eager to set up another date! I get it. But what to do? Give it a week. Getting worked up will do nothing but stress you, especially as thinks it's "not a thing". In addition, sometimes you need to hold back from speaking your mind. Sure, you would love to give him a piece of it but hold back for now. Ahhh thanks, I really appreciate your advice! So I'm not alone!! Haha. I know, you're 100% right. I also wanted to smack his face. This is not how you speak to a woman when you're over the age of 15! I guess I will just give it a week.
Jon Tenzo Posted June 8, 2013 Posted June 8, 2013 I also wanted to smack his face. Yes I was just about to suggest he sounds like he needs to be body slammed by a gorilla. This is not how you speak to a woman when you're over the age of 15! I guess I will just give it a week. OK but make sure not to give it a lifetime. Life is too short, especially if the humor is long winded...
BluEyeL Posted June 8, 2013 Posted June 8, 2013 Should you be worried? No. This is a guy you barely know. Why worry about that? I also don't think it's good to communicate so much. I'm not an advocate for playing games, but when you're always available, always texting, and then make it way too easy for them by chasing them, they tend to get bored. Get super invested and super busy with your own life, don't be so fast to answer texts (it's ok to get back to him after a couple of days have passed; see above where you barely know him) and then see what happens. This is exactly it, and this is what you should do. He has overload access to you and is getting bored, so "ain't no thing' if he doesn't see you, there is no building up or anticipation. Why would he bother so much to see you when he can text you all day and all night and you give him attention?
Author starrynightz45 Posted June 8, 2013 Author Posted June 8, 2013 This is exactly it, and this is what you should do. He has overload access to you and is getting bored, so "ain't no thing' if he doesn't see you, there is no building up or anticipation. Why would he bother so much to see you when he can text you all day and all night and you give him attention? But I feel like that's just "games" and that it would be rude since he always responds to my texts within a few hours at the most. He NEVER waits more than a few hours to respond. Is it not rude for me to all of a sudden not respond for a day or 2? I don't know.
Author starrynightz45 Posted June 8, 2013 Author Posted June 8, 2013 I'm really annoyed at him and really annoyed at myself for caring so much. I guess I shouldn't be too surprised. He's 24 and told me he's been in 1 "serious relationship." When I asked him how long the relationship was, he said 3 months. And he wasn't joking. Fml.
Author starrynightz45 Posted June 8, 2013 Author Posted June 8, 2013 These are not relationship qualities. These are relationship qualities. So, all you've got so far is that he's funny, chivalrous, blunt, and you share some common interests. Do you feel like your interest levels match, that you want the same thing, and that he communicates well? Do you feel like he's a man of integrity, that you can trust, who cares about your feelings? Do our interest levels match: Unsure. I'm starting to think I'm way more interested than he is. At least he's good at acting like he's not as interested. Does he communicate well: No. He communicates terribly. In person, he's fine. During the week, he only texts and very rarely calls because he hattes talking onthe phone and frankly so do I. On texting, his communication is, well, exemplified by his eloquent texting. Do I feel that he's a man of integrity: Yes, so far at least Do I think I can trust him: Maybe. It's too early to tell Do I think he cares about my feelings: No. Or at least he's terrible at showing that he cares about my feelings.
Author starrynightz45 Posted June 8, 2013 Author Posted June 8, 2013 And he also texted me AGAIN just now. I told him I was getting ready to go out. Him: What are you getting ready for? Who are you gonna be with tonight? Bleh. Why do you care!!! You didn't even want to see me! Bleh x2
Star Gazer Posted June 8, 2013 Posted June 8, 2013 Do our interest levels match: Unsure. I'm starting to think I'm way more interested than he is. At least he's good at acting like he's not as interested. Does he communicate well: No. He communicates terribly. In person, he's fine. During the week, he only texts and very rarely calls because he hattes talking onthe phone and frankly so do I. On texting, his communication is, well, exemplified by his eloquent texting. Do I feel that he's a man of integrity: Yes, so far at least Do I think I can trust him: Maybe. It's too early to tell Do I think he cares about my feelings: No. Or at least he's terrible at showing that he cares about my feelings. Do you still like him as much, seeing where he ranks as to relationship qualities?
Eternal Sunshine Posted June 8, 2013 Posted June 8, 2013 I had a date with a guy a month or so ago...it went well I thought. I saw him once more but then it kind of faded off. He never committed to any plans. But he did text me ALL DAY long. Seriously, every few hours of every day. He seemed interested in what I was doing etc etc. Yet he sounded lukewarm about seeing me. I decided to cut him off and just stopped responding to his texts. After about 3 unreplied texts, I never heard from him again. The end. I read somewhere that biggest sign of someone's interest is that they want to see you again. And that they want to commit to these plans ASAP... 1
Sunshine87 Posted June 8, 2013 Posted June 8, 2013 Do you still like him as much, seeing where he ranks as to relationship qualities? Star Gazer, These are really good questions. I love the distinction you make between relationship qualities and other traits like ambition/ good career, looks etc. 1
Author starrynightz45 Posted June 8, 2013 Author Posted June 8, 2013 I had a date with a guy a month or so ago...it went well I thought. I saw him once more but then it kind of faded off. He never committed to any plans. But he did text me ALL DAY long. Seriously, every few hours of every day. He seemed interested in what I was doing etc etc. Yet he sounded lukewarm about seeing me. I decided to cut him off and just stopped responding to his texts. After about 3 unreplied texts, I never heard from him again. The end. I read somewhere that biggest sign of someone's interest is that they want to see you again. And that they want to commit to these plans ASAP... See, that is just SO insane that I can't even understand it. Why text someone ALL DAY if you don't want to see them in person? Are there people out there who are THAT bored? I'm not a man but I just can't wrap my head around that. If I wasn't interested in seeing a guy again after the 2nd date, I can't even fathom one logical reason why I would continue to text him all day for a month. It makes NO SENSE. And women are confusing?
Author starrynightz45 Posted June 8, 2013 Author Posted June 8, 2013 Do you still like him as much, seeing where he ranks as to relationship qualities? I could never say I trust someone I've been on 3 dates with. I really don't know him well enough to judge his integrity, though his behavior IN PERSON at least, so far, has shown him to be a respectable guy. As far as communication skills, they aren't that great right now when we aren't face-to-face. I guess I just don't know if he's being cautious/hesitant, or if he's just playing games, a jerk, and will continue to be this way. It was really his gentlemanly behavior on the past 3 dates that got me more and more into him over the past month. But I am finding myself less and less interested as he makes these thoughtless and kinda insensitive remarks. He continued to text me all day today, asking me where I am and who I'm with, what I'm doing. I just stopped responding for now. Not sure where to go with it though.
BluEyeL Posted June 8, 2013 Posted June 8, 2013 See, that is just SO insane that I can't even understand it. Why text someone ALL DAY if you don't want to see them in person? Are there people out there who are THAT bored? I'm not a man but I just can't wrap my head around that. If I wasn't interested in seeing a guy again after the 2nd date, I can't even fathom one logical reason why I would continue to text him all day for a month. It makes NO SENSE. And women are confusing? Some people are just like that. They just want the attention while they don't have someone more interesting around, but they are not interested or invested enough in you to make the effort to see you in person. Texting is fun and entertaining, and they like it. Don't waste your time trying to understand. He's just not interested, or he'd be asking you out. The only way to find out is to stop responding to his texts. If he is interested, he will ask you out, as this being the only way to be with you. If he was just interested in fun texting he'll just disappear. From my experience, there is a second category who is texting but not making dates, and that one is the guy who wants to text all day long and hope to just make a "hook up date", sort of impromptu, at some point, without going out on actual dates and building any kind of real relationship. 1
bobmarley Posted June 8, 2013 Posted June 8, 2013 Well, I texted back saying I have plans for Saturday because he sounded so unenthusiastic and I'm not going to chase after him. Here's the conversation that followed: Him: "Well just have me as a back up. If your plans fall through we'll try to plan something last minute if I don't have plans by then. We've been seeing each other pretty regularly so we can push it back to next week." Me: "I just asked bc I remember you saying you wanted to do something on Fri or Sat when I asked if you wanted to do something on Tuesday, so I just wanted to be sure. Yea that's cool." Him: "You're absolutely right, my bad. Yea it would be cool but it ain't no thing it not. I'll be around." Can anyone give me any advice. Am I worrying about nothing? We talk pretty much every single day, just last night he was asking when my birthday is, and he's generally been nice. Should I be worried? It seems to me like he wants to see you and just forgot that you made plans to make plans. It's common. The fact that he asked to be your backup plan on a Saturday night speaks to the fact that he would like to see you if possible. Don't play any more games, because inevitably you will only be playing yourself, and making yourself miserable trying to assess his interest, when he has no idea that you're trying to get a read on him. If you need to know something from him, ask him.
Star Gazer Posted June 8, 2013 Posted June 8, 2013 I could never say I trust someone I've been on 3 dates with. I really don't know him well enough to judge his integrity, though his behavior IN PERSON at least, so far, has shown him to be a respectable guy. As far as communication skills, they aren't that great right now when we aren't face-to-face. I guess I just don't know if he's being cautious/hesitant, or if he's just playing games, a jerk, and will continue to be this way. Right, you barely know him at all. So, why invest in him and "really really like him" UNTIL you see and verify positive relationship qualities? All you have to comment on thus far is his resume and his past (no longer) gentlemanliness, neither of which will help the two of you build a relationship together. Try to take a step back (with him and every guy that follows) and look at the whole picture before investing and/or deciding whether to put up with behavior you don't like. It was really his gentlemanly behavior on the past 3 dates that got me more and more into him over the past month. 3 dates in a month would have told me he wasn't all that interested in seeing me, and that there's likely another woman or two in the picture... which would be fine given that exclusivity hasn't been established, but might way against having relationship qualities depending on how you view multi-dating for the relationship oriented. Also, he SHOULD be a gentleman during the first three dates. He shouldn't be getting bonus points for that, it shouldn't be making you like him. It should be a given. It's like you being a nice person. You should be a nice person; demonstrating niceness shouldn't make him like you more and more. But I am finding myself less and less interested as he makes these thoughtless and kinda insensitive remarks. Because in addition to thoughtless remarks, he's also demonstrating lukewarm desire to see you, which negates what little relationship worth he had left.
Star Gazer Posted June 8, 2013 Posted June 8, 2013 From my experience, there is a second category who is texting but not making dates, and that one is the guy who wants to text all day long and hope to just make a "hook up date", sort of impromptu, at some point, without going out on actual dates and building any kind of real relationship. Totally agree. OP, what was the nature of the three dates you've been on? How were they planned and what did the two of you do? Have things gotten physical?
MomsSpaghetti Posted June 8, 2013 Posted June 8, 2013 He's just another clueless guy and he's probably on some other forum right now asking about this girl he texted, whether she seems interested or is being flaky or blahblahblah 1
Author starrynightz45 Posted June 8, 2013 Author Posted June 8, 2013 Totally agree. OP, what was the nature of the three dates you've been on? How were they planned and what did the two of you do? Have things gotten physical? Three dates, 1 each weekend for the past 3 weeks seems reasonable to me. No? The first date was more casual - we went to a school-related talent show with a group of mutual friends from campus, and then had dinner. Our second date was dinner and a movie alone. For the third date he invited me over to his home, but told me "I promise I'm not trying to have sex with you or anything, I just thought it would be nice to watch a movie together. If you're uncomfortable I still want to see you and we can do something else." Like I said we've been on 3 dates but have known one another for almost a year so it's not quite the same as two total strangers being on a 3rd date. When I went over (planning to leave if he tried anything), he was a gentleman again. He had candles at the dinner table, and we just cuddled and watched a couple movies. He didn't try anything or make me uncomfortable. Nothing physical beyond kissing. He just called and asked if I was free or not for tonight. I told him I was busy and he said that he would call me again to make plans for Tuesday. I just said ok, we'd see if that works. Eh. I'm not really sure if I want to go though.
Author starrynightz45 Posted June 8, 2013 Author Posted June 8, 2013 It seems to me like he wants to see you and just forgot that you made plans to make plans. It's common. The fact that he asked to be your backup plan on a Saturday night speaks to the fact that he would like to see you if possible. Don't play any more games, because inevitably you will only be playing yourself, and making yourself miserable trying to assess his interest, when he has no idea that you're trying to get a read on him. If you need to know something from him, ask him. I see your point, but it seems strange that he would forget if he had really wanted to see me on the weekend. Seems like it would have popped up in his mind without me saying anything. His responses kind of made me feel like it hadn't even crossed his mind, which seems extremely strange for someone who is constantly in contact with me. I'm not sure if he's just clueless or intentionally playing games/is a jackass, and I don't know if I'll actually go on Tuesday. Eh
BluEyeL Posted June 8, 2013 Posted June 8, 2013 If he actually asked you out and you like him, I recommend you go!!! 1
Author starrynightz45 Posted June 9, 2013 Author Posted June 9, 2013 If he actually asked you out and you like him, I recommend you go!!! Even though he seemed indifferent to seeing me on the weekend and only called to make plans after I mentioned it to him?
Author starrynightz45 Posted June 9, 2013 Author Posted June 9, 2013 I'm not sure if I should agree to go out with him, ASSUMING he even remembers/asks to set something up for Tuesday. Should I ask him about it - I was thinking I could say "Are you sure about Tuesday, we can push it to later. You seemed sort of hesitant about doing something on the weekend so I just want to be sure. We can do something another time if you prefer." I'm annoyed. I can't tell if he's just trying to play it cool, or if he genuinely doesn't care.
happykat Posted June 9, 2013 Posted June 9, 2013 Come on, give this guy a break!.. He's just kind of relaxed about the whole thing and you've only been on 3 dates. Wow! This is the epitome of over thinking things! I say just relax and go out with him a couple more times.. IF you can do that without driving yourself insane with over thinking everything that transpires. 1
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