Inappropriate Age Gap?

[Ajax]

I met a girl last December while we were both performing a Christmas play together. There were some shared looks, brushes against each other, and an overall mutual attraction, but I was uncomfortable making a move since she was 18 and I was 29.

 

We ran into each other and caught up with each other a couple times since then since we ran in some extended social circles, but kept it casual.

 

Two nights ago I had a training seminar for an organization I volunteer for, and as fate would have it she was there and came up to me as soon as I entered the building. Apparently we've both been volunteering for this group for several years, but as ships passing in the night, never seeing each other.

 

So we sat together. She laughed at my jokes, which I always appreciate. And as we were leaving I asked if she wanted to grab a bite to eat with me. She did. We ate and talked. When we left she gave me her phone number and said we should do this again.

 

And I want to. But I'm 30 now and she's 19. A flipping 11 year age gap. Never before would I have even considered dating a girl so young and with college and most of her 20's left to experience.

 

So I don't know what the right thing to do is.

[Eggplant]

Go for it. Eleven years seems like a lot now, but if you make it long-term, it works out great. There's more stability in the relationship when the woman is 11 years younger.

 

Is she mature? Intelligent? And you may have to go slow.

[shexy]

I think age is really just a number, and an age difference isn't really a big deal.

 

I think it is important for you to consider whether or not she's mature enough to be in an adult relationship, and not a high school or college type relationship

[juicygirl]

My friend met a guy whilst she was working, she was 19 he was 30 that was 5 years old. They're now married and he moved her to Switzerland lucky cow. Go for it, you never know.

[Star Gazer]

It depends on what you're looking for. Just fun, casual? Not a problem.

 

But something more serious? I think you're right to be concerned, not because of an 11 year difference, but the time of life when that age gap exists. You're not in the same place, and she's got a lot of growth yet to experience.

 

If you'd said 29 and 40, it would be very different.

[k100danny]

I am in pretty much the exact situation, met a girl she was 19, i was 30. her mum was a friend of mine and she came to work for me part time, really got along, very mature for her age and intelligent but Didn't really cross my mind for a good few months because of the age gap which I didn't personally see as much of a problem but thought she may have doe so we just flirted for a good few months until it seemed like we both Liked the idea.

 

we ended up going on a date and we have been seeing each other about months now, she is a lot more stable and more my type than almost anyone i've ever dated BUT... there was obviously some worries ffrom my part and probabaly from hers too, she finishes uni In a year and plans to travel for ayear or so and you know what I really don't blame her but I am at a point where I have just bought my own home, finally feel like im growing up and am looking at the future and not just the next year or so. There are times when I can tell the age gap and I feel a bit old but not to the point of it being a problem just yet. I o feel that in the next few months we will know if it is getting more serious and have to have a real talk about it. i'm not thinking this far ahead at the minute but things often don't work out when someone leaves for a year, I will be almost 32 then and looking to start a family, she will be 22 (she just turned 20 a month ago) and looking to just start her career.

 

I'd never want her to miss out on anything in life or not see the world I couldnt have that hanging over my head and i certainy wouldn't want her to resent me if things don't work out. We are both being mature about this and are taking things at a slow pace as weve both said if it didn't work out we wouldn want either person to get hurt and we have a lot to lose (friends before and wouldnt want to lose that, our parents are friends and work together and her sister also works for me)

 

My advice is don't do it just for attraction, spend some time together before going forward that is if you are friends with this girl no, if not then jut go for it. If it doesn't work out then it doesn't but think of things from as many angles as you can.

[miss_jaclynrae]

My man is almost 10 years older than me, and we have an amazing relationship.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

She may be young, but you never know, what of she becomes the best thing to ever happen to you? I say go for it!

[TaraMaiden]

11 years between my mother and father.

57 years later, seems like a good innings.

[FitChick]

For short term it might not be a problem. I can see problems arising when you socialize with her friends. You will be the old man. And when she socializes with your friends, they will dismiss her as being a kid. Neither of you will be comfortable in either setting.

 

I agree that it's not so much the age gap (I've dated much younger men) but where that age gap falls. If you were both middle-aged, it wouldn't be a problem at all.

[TaraMaiden]

It actually depends what they look like....Both my parents didn't look their age (my dad, particularly) so there was never any question to them about an unusual age gap.

They were very mutually supportive, and melded well with all age groups...

In actual fact, the difficulties - for want of a better word - come at the beginning and at the end....

The OP would never have contemplated dating this young lady when he was 23, for example.... That would have been extremely inappropriate.

Yet the same age gap would have existed....

 

The other 'difficulty', is at the 'other end'.

My mother in effect, became my father's health carer.

he died, at home, in the early hours of the morning, in October 2010.

 

My mother still wonders what she's going to do with herself now....

[MercuryMorrison1]

I think once people are over the age of 18 the ''inappropriate'' age gap diminishes.

 

Now if you have two people, one of which is 26 or 27 and they are in an intimate relationship with a 14 year old, then yes that is inappropriate simply because one party involved is still essentially a child.

 

But if you take the same party's involved and advance them a few years, say 10 years, making the 14 year old 24 and the 27 year old 37, then there is nothing ''inappropriate'' about that.

 

So in your case I think what you are doing is perfectly fine, the biggest issue I would think would just be finding someone 11 years younger that is on the same intellectual and maturity level as yourself.

[Ninjainpajamas]

Look first things first....every guy is going to know why you're dating a girl 10 years your junior, it's no mystery or secret.

 

Women have to believe one thing...magical ponies and love that conquers all and spans all age ranges and this and that, so they're obviously going to believe what they're going to believe...that's just way it goes.

 

Now for yourself, being the older guy having a conscience and two beans to knock together to know why this is "wrong"...is up to you morally/ethically to take the "teen" challenge. A lot of guys are faced with the dilemma of whether to take the candy from the baby...because all lights are green and there's no challenges perceived like with a woman your own age, possible knowledge and experience.

 

You've got to make the decision whether you can live with that and if you're kind of a guy. A lot of guys wouldn't even think twice and pound anyway, some guys just have a strong preference with being with a woman much younger...and let's face it, as men, as we get older we find younger women more attractive...hell when I was 21 or 22 I didn't want a thing to do generally with women at that age, not even at the time...they were young, dumb and naive which is why I was into older women.

 

Now I was full of crap at 22, wasn't as wise and mature as I actually thought I was, but it obviously took me growing up and learning and gaining the wisdom I have now in my early 30's to see that....yeah I wasn't mature and close to where I am now, so why in the world would I expect anyone else to...especially being a "mature" guy myself....the whole maturity self-labeling is a bunch of BS, it's just a way for people for to negotiate a feeling inside of themselves because they don't relate to their peers...but in no way does it mean she is mature for 19...think about it really, how freaking mature can a 19 year old or even someone in their early 20's be?

 

Even if they were, imagine the growth they'd experience in 10 years...so even "maturity" is relative to each persons individual growth, so it doesn't even make sense in that context when you think of it in that context.

 

So here's the bottom line....are you that "kind of a guy"? you know that guys are going to smirk and laugh under their breathe, others are going to be accepting of it but as men we all know the deal and truth...that young pu$$y is just tempting.

 

Otherwise jump on board the band-wagon and claim "non-conformity" or something, whatever you can tell yourself that makes you sleep better at night and forget the truth about it...we know there's no context in terms of experience between a 30 year old and a 20 year old, wisdom comes with experience and therefore age, some things you can't just learn before your time. IF you're a simple guy though, just looking for a simple life where you're the leader and you've got yourself a follow...go ahead and play daddy and lead the way...but you're older, so you'll always be a few steps ahead of her unless you are a truly stupid guy, which you don't sound like it.

 

Does age difference make that big of a deal in the 40's or 50's? much less so of course, at least both people have had a chance to learn and grow about themselves.

 

But a 20 year old versus a 30 year old? c'mon man....we all know the answer to that question, whether you want to blow smoke up your own butt or not, that's your problem.

 

A lot of women are all for it however and let's say you do end up with this girl and you end up having a daughter that's 19 and wants to date mr 40 year old been divorced twice and has kids her own age...and you say wtf screw that man!...she'll just say "But daddy, you did it and you guys ended up together!"....little does she know! and all us guys know for the same reason you'd want to beat that 40 year old guy with a baseball bat.

[TaraMaiden]

My mother was 17 when she met my father. They married 26 days before her 21st birthday.

 

You have no idea of the traumatic events in between.

All generated by my mother's (Italian) family.

 

But it worked for them.

 

In the end, only the people themselves can effectively judge whether this is feasible or not.

[RedRobin]

The other 'difficulty', is at the 'other end'.

My mother in effect, became my father's health carer.

he died, at home, in the early hours of the morning, in October 2010.

 

My mother still wonders what she's going to do with herself now....

 

... not sure why so many women fail to do the math on this.

 

I'd rather be alone and celibate than be chained to a much older man and be his caregiver. Sorry. Just won't.

 

11 years is much older in my book.

 

It used to be up to five years older for me... but if they don't have a history of dating women that much older than themselves, then I won't date them either. Don't like hypocrites in any form it takes.

[miss_jaclynrae]

... not sure why so many women fail to do the math on this.

 

I'd rather be alone and celibate than be chained to a much older man and be his caregiver. Sorry. Just won't.

 

11 years is much older in my book.

 

It used to be up to five years older for me... but if they don't have a history of dating women that much older than themselves, then I won't date them either. Don't like hypocrites in any form it takes.

 

 

 

 

 

Ten years is nothing. Your attitude is astounding.

I hope you live a long and healthy life, i would hate to see you experience a man leaving you due to feeling "chained" when a unplanned illness happens.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ugh.

Do you even know what love feels like? With an outlook such as yours I wouldn't doubt if you end up alone and celibate.

 

 

Not to mention my man is healthier than most 20 year olds, so again, your point is completely invalid.

[RedRobin]

A lot of women are all for it however and let's say you do end up with this girl and you end up having a daughter that's 19 and wants to date mr 40 year old been divorced twice and has kids her own age...and you say wtf screw that man!...she'll just say "But daddy, you did it and you guys ended up together!"....little does she know! and all us guys know for the same reason you'd want to beat that 40 year old guy with a baseball bat.

 

Yea, that's pretty much what I told a 40 something co-worker who was cheating on his same age wife with a 17, oops, 18 year old... "Is this the example you want to set for your daughter?".

 

Funny... when I said it, it was like the thought never occurred to him. What a douchebag.

 

Even funnier was how he was damned close to getting arrested for taking a minor across state lines... She was 18 by less than two weeks at the time... Of course, he didn't think to check her ID beforehand. And people wonder why I have such disgust for some men...

 

But I digress...

[TaraMaiden]

Excuse me if I take very great exception to the term 'chained to'...

 

The very fundamental reason my parents co-existed so successfully was precisely because neither one was 'chained' to the other.

They led varied, interesting and independent lives. They had common and un-common interests.

They always had something to talk about.

And believe me, my mother did NOT stay with my father because she was 'chained' to him.

She remained at his side and willingly cared for him, because she loved him.

Theirs was an extraordinary love.

One admired by everyone who knew them. They had a huge circle of friends. So much so, that at my father's funeral, there was standing room only within the church.

 

So to be honest, I wouldn't say no to an apology for that remark.

because it was way out of line, wholly inaccurate and extremely insulting.

[RedRobin]

Ten years is nothing. Your attitude is astounding.

I hope you live a long and healthy life, i would hate to see you experience a man leaving you due to feeling "chained" when a unplanned illness happens.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ugh.

Do you even know what love feels like? With an outlook such as yours I wouldn't doubt if you end up alone and celibate.

 

 

Not to mention my man is healthier than most 20 year olds, so again, your point is completely invalid.

 

 

Talk to me in 20 years... Miss Space A lot. You don't have a friggin clue what you have in store for you...

 

How about this? Only 5% of recovering alcoholics stay sober for life... do the math on that one...

 

...and while I'd never abandon a loved one for illness... I'd certainly do whatever I can to not knowingly put myself in that position... It's not like guys are out there dating women 10 years older than them. When they do, maybe I'll change my opinion.

Edited June 9, 2013 by RedRobin

[RedRobin]

Excuse me if I take very great exception to the term 'chained to'...

 

The very fundamental reason my parents co-existed so successfully was precisely because neither one was 'chained' to the other.

They led varied, interesting and independent lives. They had common and un-common interests.

They always had something to talk about.

And believe me, my mother did NOT stay with my father because she was 'chained' to him.

She remained at his side and willingly cared for him, because she loved him.

Theirs was an extraordinary love.

One admired by everyone who knew them. They had a huge circle of friends. So much so, that at my father's funeral, there was standing room only within the church.

 

So to be honest, I wouldn't say no to an apology for that remark.

because it was way out of line, wholly inaccurate and extremely insulting.

 

Good for them. Not apologizing though.

 

My parents are very close in age, so are nearly all of the couples in my family and extended family. The men in my family don't need to latch on to much younger women to feel good about themselves or have someone to care for them.

[miss_jaclynrae]

Talk to me in 20 years... Miss Space A lot. You don't have a friggin clue what you have in store for you...

 

How about this? Only 5% of recovering alcoholics stay sober for life... do the math on that one...

 

...and while I'd never abandon a loved one for illness... I'd certainly do whatever I can to not knowingly put myself in that position... It's not like guys are out there dating women 10 years older than them. When they do, maybe I'll change my opinion.

 

 

 

Oh god. Really? And what did my mans sobriety have to do with this topic?

Another bitter old broad.

 

 

Not to mention that I know of a few men who have dated older, my man being one of them, and I'm talking 12 years his senior.

Your attitude is so sour I feel bad for anyone unlucky enough to know you. Have you always been so negative?

 

 

 

 

 

 

Pity.

[miss_jaclynrae]

Good for them. Not apologizing though.

 

My parents are very close in age, so are nearly all of the couples in my family and extended family. The men in my family don't need to latch on to much younger women to feel good about themselves or have someone to care for them.

 

 

Wait, so now all men who date younger are doing so to feel good about themselves and have someone to care for them?

 

 

 

 

What a winner. You must have had a bad experience with an older man, because you couldn't be any farther from the truth.

[RedRobin]

I'm most disturbed by your improper use of the saying ships passing in the night, please google the correct usage. As for your age gap being inappropriate that's all in your head and the heads of any one else who chooses to think that way. It's your choice, but if it makes you feel better you have my approval.

 

My parents had a 20+ year age difference. Happily married till death.

 

Sure. Go marry a woman 20+ years older than you... (fingers tapping). You have my blessing.

[TaraMaiden]

...and while I'd never abandon a loved one for illness... I'd certainly do whatever I can to not knowingly put myself in that position...

This is such an ignorant comment, I'm not even going to bother responding in full...

 

It's not like guys are out there dating women 10 years older than them. When they do, maybe I'll change my opinion.

 

John Travolta. dated Diana Hyland - 17 years his senior. She died in his arms, of cancer.

 

let's look at other 'age-gaps where women are older.

 

10 Years

 

Candace Bushnell . . . Charles Askegard

Katherine Helmond . . . David Christian

Madonna . . . Guy Ritchie

Liza Minnelli . . . David Allen Gest

Lorrie Morgan . . . Jon Randall

Priscilla Presley . . . Marco Garibaldi

---------------

11 Years

 

Greer Garson . . . Richard Ney

---------------

12 Years

 

Mariah Carey . . . Nick Cannon

Daryl Hannah . . . David Blaine

Susan Sarandon . . . Tim Robbins

Dorothy Squires . . . Roger Moore

---------------

13 Years

 

Lucille Ball . . . Gary Morton

Deborra-Lee Furness . . . Hugh Jackman

Pam Grier . . . Kevin Evans

Kathy Najimy . . . Dan Finnerly

---------------

14 Years

 

Rosanne Barr . . . Ben Thomas

Chrissie Hynde . . . Lucho Brieva

Bernadette Peters . . . Michael Wittenberg

Mira Sorvino . . . Chris Backus

Raquel Welch . . . Richard Palmer

---------------

15 Years

 

Demi Moore . . . Ashton Kutcher

Brigitte Nielsen . . . Mattia Dessi

---------------

16 Years

 

Fran Drescher . . . John (boyfriend)

Ruth Gordon . . . Garson Kanin

Tina Turner . . . Erwin Bach

Heidi Van Pelt . . . Taran Noah Smith

---------------

17 Years

 

Katie Couric . . . Brooks Perlin

Isadora Duncan . . . Sergei Esenin

Vanna White . . . Colby Donaldson

---------------

18 Years

 

Francesca Annis . . . Ralph Fiennes

Juliet Mills . . . Maxwell Caulfield

Mary Tylor Moore . . . S. Robert Levine

Tilda Swinton . . . Sandro Kopp

---------------

19 Years

 

Janice Dickinson . . . Tommy Fry

---------------

20 Years

 

Lorraine Bracco . . . Jason Cipolla

Edith Piaf . . . Theo Sarapo

Helena Rubenstein . . . Prince Artchil Gourielli-Tchkonia

Norma Shearer . . . Martin Arrounge

Dinah Shore . . . Burt Reynolds

Elizabeth Taylor . . . Larry Fortensky

---------------

21 Years

 

Barbara Hershey . . . Naveen Andrews

Lillian Vernon . . . Paolo Martino

---------------

23 Years

 

Carol Burnett . . . Brian Miller

Terry McMillan . . . Jonathon Plummer

Ivana Trump . . . Rossano Rubicon

---------------

24 Years

 

Sam-Taylor Wood . . . Aaron Johnson (She: 42, film director. He: 18, actor. Year met: 2008, during an audition.)

---------------

25 Years

 

Joan Collins . . . Robin Hurlstone

Merle Oberon . . . Robert Wolders

---------------

31 Years

 

Ellen Barkin . . . Sam Levinson

---------------

32 Years

 

Joan Collins . . . Percy Gibson

Norma Ferriera . . . Chris Harvey (British couple. She: 50: He: 18 when met. news story)

Martha Raye . . . Mark Harris

---------------

34 Years

 

Gina Lollobrigida . . . Javier Rigau y Rafols

 

Some are now divorced. Many are still married. Others have died.

The fact remains: They married.....

 

And I am older than my husband.

[RedRobin]

Wait, so now all men who date younger are doing so to feel good about themselves and have someone to care for them?

 

 

 

 

What a winner. You must have had a bad experience with an older man, because you couldn't be any farther from the truth.

 

Yep, mostly...

 

As for me... I work around all men. I get to see first hand their behavior and hear things they never tell their wives and girlfriends.... It's a blessing and a curse.

[TaraMaiden]

Good for them. Not apologizing though.

 

My parents are very close in age, so are nearly all of the couples in my family and extended family. The men in my family don't need to latch on to much younger women to feel good about themselves or have someone to care for them.

 

Is there really any need for you to be so bitchy?