2 month break.

[codenoir]

For the past three years, I've been dating a guy that is 15 years older than me.

Recently, we both agreed that we needed space apart, because of constant fighting. He said that we would spend two months (one month and three weeks) apart.We started our 'break' approximately two weeks ago, we talked over the phone - up until yesterday. I miss him more than ever and am starting to feel empty and down. Are relationship breaks ever good/beneficial?

[TaraMaiden]

No.

because people want different things from it.

That he suggested it, means he wants distance between you.

That's not what you want though.

So 'breaks' are normally instigated to please one person. Not both.

 

That said, breaks usually go hand in hand with agreed No Contact.

You're not on a break, not if you're in daily contact.

 

All you're doing is not actually seeing each other.

 

So far, by phone, what has this resolved for either of you?

[codenoir]

I can't really say if it has resolved anything. Prior to the break, he made a surprise visit, to make sure things were on a good note. After that, seems like we got closer and were more respectful towards one another. During his visit, he spoke as if we were going to see each other again.

[TaraMaiden]

A break doesn't resolve issues, it just lays them aside for a while.

Nothing's changed, the dynamics are still the same.

 

What you guys need isn't a break.

You guys need counselling.

[codenoir]

I agree. I'm just really confused as to why he suddenly stopped texting...

[KatZee]

I mean, sometimes they may work out, but usually a "break" is just a nice way of saying "I want to break up."

 

Listen, you guys are constantly fighting. Taking a month and three weeks off from the relationship isn't going to fix this. Your problems are going to be right where you left them, whether you go on break for a week, or two months.

 

The fact that there's no effort to fix the relationship, instead he jumps right into "we need to be apart" shows that through the dysfunction, there's also a lack of desire to work through this as a team.

 

I personally think a couple should work through their issues and resolve them, or just break up. "Breaks" to me for the most part are a real waste of time.

[lamaga]

After this much time together I feel like this is just the easy way out for him... Like, he still cares for you, but he doesn't have the balls to man up and tell you that he would rather not continue this relationship with you, or perhaps wants to leave the back door open, which is what a break basically is all about.

Sorry to hear this... I guess you could wait it out and see what happens, or you could tell him to suck it and go your own way? You guys don't seem very compatible. Wish you the best of luck!

[codenoir]

What leads you to think that we are not compatible?

[lamaga]

What leads you to think that we are not compatible?

 

 

Because you wrote that you are in "constant fight", and instead on working on your issues that lead to these fights you decided to take 'a break', so you don't have to deal with the problems in your relationship?

[codenoir]

We've worked through a lot of things. Now, I am over the push-pull thing. I don't want any drama or games. I really love him and couldn't imagine life without him. Essentially, we both want the same things - marriage and family. I don't understand why we can't work harmoniously to achieve these goals? We're both afraid of failure and being hurt... When he finally texted me today, he says, 'You know I don't want to hurt you. Let's talk later.'

[Leigh 87]

What everyone is saying is true.

 

My ex wanted to get back together "after" we "change" our deviant and unhealthy ways.

 

Sadly, I have learnt that problems will not just "disappear" overnight!

 

Even with us, when we still talked, everything was great and the fighting stopped.

 

Real issues that are enough to end a 3 year relationship (where we were at) take REAL time to heal.

It may feel more secure and palatable to act as though you will get back together. I KNOW that it feels better.

 

I have learnt an important lesson recently, that you can potentially benefit from. I have learnt that I will never have self respect or establish high self esteem IF I am not strong and confident enough as a person to totally walk away from this person.

Don't you feel that you need to prove to yourself that you are enough without him in your life?

 

The ironic thing about getting back together, is this: to get back into a healthy relationship, you actually have to be in a healthy state of mind.

In order to BE at he stage where you are READY to resume ANY relationship with a man, you need to prove that you can totally move on and be alone, with no urges to get back together.

 

Even if he comes back, you will not be ready. Look, I would want to say yes if he ex asked to MARRY be this second. Because I believe the level of love is there.

The thing is though, not being able to stand on your own two feet, without the relationship, puts you in a place where you cannot BE in ANY relationship.

After time apart once you're totally okay on your own, if he comes back, than perhaps listen to what he has to say.

 

I want my ex back but hey, deep down I know I need to literally move ON before I could ever get back ON him, if that makes sense.

 

I am so sorry you're going through this. I was with a guy for close to 3 years and we were everything to each other, which is why we both found it so hard to even WANT to move on.

 

No guy should really be everything to you, I have learnt. I hope you realise the same thing and have the strength to walk away. I hope I have the strength to walk away too.

[codenoir]

What everyone is saying is true.

 

My ex wanted to get back together "after" we "change" our deviant and unhealthy ways.

 

Sadly, I have learnt that problems will not just "disappear" overnight!

 

Even with us, when we still talked, everything was great and the fighting stopped.

 

Real issues that are enough to end a 3 year relationship (where we were at) take REAL time to heal.

It may feel more secure and palatable to act as though you will get back together. I KNOW that it feels better.

 

I have learnt an important lesson recently, that you can potentially benefit from. I have learnt that I will never have self respect or establish high self esteem IF I am not strong and confident enough as a person to totally walk away from this person.

Don't you feel that you need to prove to yourself that you are enough without him in your life?

 

The ironic thing about getting back together, is this: to get back into a healthy relationship, you actually have to be in a healthy state of mind.

In order to BE at he stage where you are READY to resume ANY relationship with a man, you need to prove that you can totally move on and be alone, with no urges to get back together.

 

Even if he comes back, you will not be ready. Look, I would want to say yes if he ex asked to MARRY be this second. Because I believe the level of love is there.

The thing is though, not being able to stand on your own two feet, without the relationship, puts you in a place where you cannot BE in ANY relationship.

After time apart once you're totally okay on your own, if he comes back, than perhaps listen to what he has to say.

 

I want my ex back but hey, deep down I know I need to literally move ON before I could ever get back ON him, if that makes sense.

 

I am so sorry you're going through this. I was with a guy for close to 3 years and we were everything to each other, which is why we both found it so hard to even WANT to move on.

 

No guy should really be everything to you, I have learnt. I hope you realise the same thing and have the strength to walk away. I hope I have the strength to walk away too.

 

I appreciate this post,a lot. Past few months prior to the 'let's take a break,' he has told me that I need structure in my life - I started working out and doing things with friends. He told me to look for a job. He tells me I need to start from within, first.

[Leigh 87]

What leads you to think that we are not compatible?

 

 

My ex and I were compatible in terms of who we were, personality wise. We could be together 24/7 and never get tired or sick of each other, and he still found me inspiring and fun. I know this because I read his online journal he has no idea about, lol. See? I have issues I have to work on before getting into any relationship. With anyone!

 

Yet we have terrible personal issues that caused arguing. Technically, that renders you incompatible! EVEN if, for the most part, you really adored and loved being around each other all the time!

 

And by the way - me and my ex tried to fix things before either of us walked away. For years we tried to fix things before just calling a day.

 

Has he suggested trying to work through issues before? If so, what steps fif you both take?

 

I tried therapy but did not stick to it. I also failed to get my life together and be self sufficient alone, and I continued to depend on a man to make my life joyful.

 

Perhaps the OP and her guy have genuinely tried before?

 

It is a pretty bad sign if a dude folds at the FIRST show of adversity! Something tells me that he did stick it out for a while, since they were together for years.

 

To be honest, it seems to be both your faults for not communicating effectively and saying " look, this is going to work if we continue like this, lets both think of ways that could fix things (therapy, etc)"

 

Honestly though, sometimes people are just not in the right head space to be in a relationship. Neither me nor my ex were yet we tried to stick with it because we loved each other and actually loved being together based on our personalities.

 

Hopefully time alone getting your own thoughts in order and standing on your own two feet will enable you to enter into drama free relationships in the future!

[Leigh 87]

I appreciate this post,a lot. Past few months prior to the 'let's take a break,' he has told me that I need structure in my life - I started working out and doing things with friends. He told me to look for a job. He tells me I need to start from within, first.

 

 

 

I am really sorry you're going through this. 3 years is a long time for me, as I am sure it was for you, too, to get attached to someone. It hurts like nothing else to walk away (and I have been through some dark times before). This is, by far, the most painful thing I have gone through (the break up).

 

I too, had no job, no friends, and I was devoid of a personality even for months into the relationship. I had anorexia and I was socially isolated for YEARS. I really got too lazy to get my own life in order when I had a relationship.

 

Look, it is really not enough to just "start working out more" and "start making new friends and having more time to work on your own life".

 

I thought I could do that, but it is WAY deeper than just "getting a job" or "joining a gym".

 

Establishing a high enough level of self worth and creating a full and healthy life for yourself does not just happen in a short amount of time; it takes time ALONE doing this. You have to literally prove you're a self sufficient women on your OWN before a guy can enter the picture.

 

I wish there was a way around this! I really do! My guy asked me to marry him, and we both know we had enough love to last. We did not WANT to give up, but really, it is clear as day that some situations can only be sorted when you break up and have time ALONE to do it.

 

I really hate this fact, but it us the undeniable truth! Some issues within ourselves can ONLY be cured with time alone.

 

It really, really really sucks.

 

Something is amiss and, sadly, it is one of those things were some people, like US obviously, cannot get our lives in order while we are WITH a guy.

 

If you could be your own person and figure your ****e out, you could have. but you didn't and he left.

 

I am sorry you're going through this. My own situation sounds sort of similar.

[BC1980]

Break up or work on the issues. There's just no in between, and do you really want there to be? Stuck in limbo? That's just a miserable place. I lived there for a year, while my ex was telling me he wanted to marry me but never actually proposed. He just needed some time to "make sure it was the right decision." That's not a reciprocal relationship. . . . it sounds like yours is similar.

 

It hurt so much when he ended it, but I am actually now happier in some ways. I'm not stuck in limbo, wondering if we will ever get married. I think you are doing the same thing, and it's excruciating to live in that middle of the road state. It's actually really empowering to just let it go and live for yourself. See, I was really just upset over what I thought I had lost, what I thought we could have had. But the truth is that I never even had that because even though he went so far as to buy an engagement ring, he never proposed.

 

I'm telling you from experience, from going through this for 3 years with someone, it's not going to be worth it in the end. Because I've been at this point of stepping back and taking a break, initiated by the other person. It is one sided. His feelings for you are never going to become "clear." Breaks merely delay the inevitable. It signals that the other person is not willing to work on the issues. Stepping back will not make it clear all of a sudden. Stepping back just takes some pressure off of the person who initiated it, allowing him/her to continue the limbo state. Do you see the pattern here? He was the one in the driver's seat, and I foolishly let him stay there. Take it from me, just end it. I wish I had ended it a year ago, but I wasn't strong enough. I could have saved myself a world of hurt.

 

I think I deserve a person who is certain he wants to marry me. Once I realized I was worth that, it became really easy to begin to move forward.

Edited June 8, 2013 by BC1980