Husband of 15 years cheated and left me and moved in with OW.

[Owl]

Have you hired an attorney to help you understand what your rights are???

[turnera]

I read once that you should get a timer, set it to 30 minutes, and just let yourself go - bawl your eyes out, as much as you want. When the timer goes off, get up and go about your day. The next day, set it for 29 minutes, rinse and repeat. The reasoning is that you NEED to feel the pain but, by allowing yourself on a diminishing timeframe, you're doing what you need to grieve but also moving yourself forward, to a better end in sight, when you don't need to cry.

[MissBee]

This is so freaking outrageous, I hope you're making at least some of it up. But sadly, I know this is your truth. I'm sorry you have been so blind sided.

I can't help but think, since he has done such DRASTIC things so quickly, and with planning as far as the kids, finances, divorce...that he has lost his damn mind.

 

Since all this has happened in 30 days...what do you want?

 

 

I was about to say the very same thing.

 

His actions do not seem to reflect a rational man who has thought this through. He is clearly behaving like a loon.

 

If you want to leave your marriage...fine. However, you leave to live with some woman and her kids, overnight and expect your own kids to come meet her and you want full custody. WTF?????? Are you frickin insane???? He's behaving like a teenager. A rational person would separate from their spouse, stay at a hotel or with relatives, then try to get their own place, tie up their marriage, and give their kids PLENTY of time to adjust. Not to mention his OW...she's nuts too for having him move in with her children....wtf...while he is STILL married! Wow...it's a mess.

 

I'm so sorry for what you're going through. Have you told any close friends or family members? You should have people you can rely on and I would absolutely not let the younger kids go by his house with the OW. He's crazy. He can come to your house or on neutral territory to spend time with his kids. I'd also get legal advice about this situation and how to proceed.

[tinam]

Have you hired an attorney to help you understand what your rights are???

 

I made a couple phone calls looking into a mediator. That seems the best rought i think. I cannot afford an afttornry . I can't even afford the mefiatordor right now.

[tinam]

 

I was about to say the very same thing.

 

His actions do not seem to reflect a rational man who has thought this through. He is clearly behaving like a loon.

 

If you want to leave your marriage...fine. However, you leave to live with some woman and her kids, overnight and expect your own kids to come meet her and you want full custody. WTF?????? Are you frickin insane???? He's behaving like a teenager. A rational person would separate from their spouse, stay at a hotel or with relatives, then try to get their own place, tie up their marriage, and give their kids PLENTY of time to adjust. Not to mention his OW...she's nuts too for having him move in with her children....wtf...while he is STILL married! Wow...it's a mess.

 

I'm so sorry for what you're going through. Have you told any close friends or family members? You should have people you can rely on and I would absolutely not let the younger kids go by his house with the OW. He's crazy. He can come to your house or on neutral territory to spend time with his kids. I'd also get legal advice about this situation and how to proceed.

 

I agree. He did stay with his father for 2 weeks right after then he told him he had to make other arrangements. So i don't know if that pushed him into moving with her faster. I don't know what he's thinking. Yes I have a great support system. Don't know where id be without them.

 

I've been starting to panic because the new month is approaching and he's been still paying all the bills. And he said after this month he wasn't but was gonna start giving me 900a month for the kids which according to what he looked up is what he should pay. I asked him if he could help with any bills at all for one more month so i can get a little cusion in bank and start paying bills next month. He said im at work. Ill see. So important so stressed.

[turnera]

I don't care if you can't 'afford' a lawyer. If you don't get one, he will STOP PAYING YOUR BILLS.

 

Borrow from relatives, take a loan out, advertise asking for help, do whatever you have to, ok?

[Steen719]

Tinam,

Get mad! He has been married to you for 15 years, has children with you and he is dismissing you like you are no one to him. As tunera says, he will quit paying your bills and then where are you going to be? He is selfish and cares only about what he wants. It isn't as if he is just leaving you without money to go get a pedicure. He is leaving you with the possibility of you and your children not having a home to live in. This man is in need of a good as* kicking. Get strong, get mad and quit sitting around waiting for him to change his mind. Call right now and find out how you can get the money to hire an attorney - not mediation. You need someone who will take care of your rights. He will roll right over you; he has proven that. Call your parents, siblings, anyone and do it now. Believe me, you will regret not taking a hold of this and taking care of your children's futures (and your own).

 

I know this hurts and has thrown you for a loop. I know; I have been there and the dismissal from your spouse is so painful You just want to crawl somewhere and lick your wounds. This man needs to take care of HIS family, not this woman who has 6 kids. No one can make you do this, but you need to take stock of where you are right now and WHY and do something to protect yourself. My intention is not to be mean to you, but I think you need to get going on this before he just walks all over you again. GET MAD and GET GOING!

[tinam]

Tinam,

Get mad! He has been married to you for 15 years, has children with you and he is dismissing you like you are no one to him. As tunera says, he will quit paying your bills and then where are you going to be? He is selfish and cares only about what he wants. It isn't as if he is just leaving you without money to go get a pedicure. He is leaving you with the possibility of you and your children not having a home to live in. This man is in need of a good as* kicking. Get strong, get mad and quit sitting around waiting for him to change his mind. Call right now and find out how you can get the money to hire an attorney - not mediation. You need someone who will take care of your rights. He will roll right over you; he has proven that. Call your parents, siblings, anyone and do it now. Believe me, you will regret not taking a hold of this and taking care of your children's futures (and your own).

 

I know this hurts and has thrown you for a loop. I know; I have been there and the dismissal from your spouse is so painful You just want to crawl somewhere and lick your wounds. This man needs to take care of HIS family, not this woman who has 6 kids. No one can make you do this, but you need to take stock of where you are right now and WHY and do something to protect yourself. My intention is not to be mean to you, but I think you need to get going on this before he just walks all over you again. GET MAD and GET GOIN

 

I KNOW that you are right. And I have gotten mad then sad again then mad. But i have no false hope. Im not sitting around waiting fir him. He's been paying the bills since he left. Said after this month he's not because he has his own but is gonna give me 900 a month. He said i can feel free to get an attorney to see if that's fair and he wasn't trying to screw us. I dint think he is other than what he's already done! If he could help 1 more month and let me save ill probably be ok with what i make and he can just pay his child support and leave me alone. He hasn't gotten back to me on that yet. I guess ill wait and see on that. He's picking kids up Friday so ill know then. No one in MY family can afford an attorney. The cheapest i found was 300 for first consultation. If you don't have it you don't have it then what do you do?

[Steen719]

He may not be able to just walk away from the house and not pay for part of it. Is he on the mortgage? My point is that I think he thinks - oh well, I will just quit paying. I am not an attorney, but that may not be true and it would be worth finding out.

 

There are pro-bono family law attorneys in Florida. I don't know where you live, but the list is pretty long. I can't put the website here, I guess, due to their regs, but if you google pro bono attorneys florida family law

 

Pro Bono Directory - Florida - American Bar Association

 

 

comes up and gives you a list of them. Start there tomorrow and then if they are unable to help you for some reason, ask them if they can direct you to a resource that can. When you list your income for them, make sure you state that you will be listing just yours because he has moved out and said he will no longer be giving you anything but child support that HE has determined. If you have a friend or family member who is articulate and pushy (LOL)...well, maybe just assertive, take them with you when you go to a meeting with them.

 

 

Tina, this man has decided he can do what he pleases where you are concerned. It pisses me off that, without even legal separation, he has decided that he will not be contributing to the marital home anymore, but will be helping another woman. One thing I have learned through my life is that I need to look out for myself and my son and also for those people I love. I believe one purpose in life is to help who you can and that includes me and you. Please take action as best you can to protect yourself and your children from his deliberate, cold and cavalier attitude about a 15 year marriage. Want to get his attention? Stand up for yourself and tell him to get ready for a fight. That will do it.

 

 

Good luck.

[tinam]

Today just sucked. Knew he was getting kids. First time in a week. He gave me my check and told me he'll do what he can to help next month but not right away cause he had to have electicticy turned on in THEIR new place. That was a shocked. I thought he moved into her place. They rented a whole new place. Kids finally decided to sleep over. All but the oldest. He won't go still. And he texted while i was at my sisters he was taking the dog for the weekend too with them. My head is so spinning. My kids and my dog are playing house with him and his wh*re!! Not good! Ugh. Really need to sleep. Try anyway.

[BetrayedH]

Sorry to hear it, Tinam.

 

I'm afraid I don't have any magic words of wisdom today. But I wanted you to know that you've been heard.

[96nole]

I know it's not much, but I say put your foot down about the dog. If he wants a dog for the other kids, he can get a new one for them. Your dog stays in your house. Going forward, the only things that leaves your house to go with him are your kids. Everything else stays.

 

He seems like a complete arrogant ass. He takes the dog. Tells you "he'll do what he can to help next month" (good luck with that) Sounds like he's pushing your around. Don't let him. Get a lawyer someway somehow as soon as possible.

[tinam]

I know it's not much, but I say put your foot down about the dog. If he wants a dog for the other kids, he can get a new one for them. Your dog stays in your house. Going forward, the only things that leaves your house to go with him are your kids. Everything else stays.

 

He seems like a complete arrogant ass. He takes the dog. Tells you "he'll do what he can to help next month" (good luck with that) Sounds like he's pushing your around. Don't let him. Get a lawyer someway somehow as soon as possible.

 

I totally hear you. I've been so mad today. My daughter texted me from over there upset that she was bored because daddy wasn't home. I said are you alone? He had HER watching them. Those kids didn't want to go in the first place because they weren't ready to see her but gave in because they wanted to see him and he goes to work and leaves them with her alone! What a complete insensitive ass! I told her id come get her and she said she really wanted to see daddy when he got home. He has no clue. I am going to look into an attourny . I received some really good advice from steen719 about probono here in Florida because. I found one so we'll see what happens.

[96nole]

I totally hear you. I've been so mad today. My daughter texted me from over there upset that she was bored because daddy wasn't home. I said are you alone? He had HER watching them. Those kids didn't want to go in the first place because they weren't ready to see her but gave in because they wanted to see him and he goes to work and leaves them with her alone! What a complete insensitive ass! I told her id come get her and she said she really wanted to see daddy when he got home. He has no clue. I am going to look into an attourny . I received some really good advice from steen719 about probono here in Florida because. I found one so we'll see what happens.

He picks your kids up. Takes them to her. Then he leaves to go to work. Leaving your kids with her. Did I get that correct? That woman is not much different than a stranger. There is no reason for your kids to be over there if he is not there. It seems everything he does is to replace you with her.

 

Make sure you document dates and times. And your phone conversation with your daughter. A lawyer will have a field day with this.

[AnotherLife]

I have no pearls of wisdom to offer you, but your story makes me cry, so I'm sending you a hug...

 

((((((((((tinam)))))))))))

[Steen719]

I totally hear you. I've been so mad today. My daughter texted me from over there upset that she was bored because daddy wasn't home. I said are you alone? He had HER watching them. Those kids didn't want to go in the first place because they weren't ready to see her but gave in because they wanted to see him and he goes to work and leaves them with her alone! What a complete insensitive ass! I told her id come get her and she said she really wanted to see daddy when he got home. He has no clue. I am going to look into an attourny . I received some really good advice from steen719 about probono here in Florida because. I found one so we'll see what happens.

 

I am so glad you are taking control...good for you. I hope the attorney works out. I wanted to tell you this, so I'm glad you are doing this. When you tell him that your H gave you money, make sure he knows he said he can't give you any until they pay for "their" new house and also, (and this is what I wanted to make sure I mentioned), make sure they know that $900 he has proposed has not been ordered by any court and is just his decision based on what he has looked up on the internet. I don't see how anything he may or may not give you can count as income since he indeed may or may not give it to you. It is sort of like working for someone who may not pay you one week. Hopefully, they will just take your income into consideration.

 

96nole really brought up a good point, too, and that is he has left your children with what amounts to a stranger and if you were to leave your children in someone's care, YOU WOULD BE MAKING SURE THEY WOULD BE RESPONSIBLE. You have no way to do that.

 

He is a freaking idiot. It is awful what he has done to you and unbelievable what he is doing to his children. I am really proud of you for standing up for them (and yourself). Good luck and please let us know how you are doing. Great big hugs your way, Tina.

[turnera]

Call your local police department and ask if he is legally allowed to leave YOUR children with a stranger against your wishes?

[So happy together]

Something is really really wrong here. Men leave their wives and families for younger, cuter women that have LESS baggage (ie kids) not older women that have MORE.

 

Either he has gone completely pyscho or he has been desparately unhappy for a long time and this gal has been banging and blowing him like a porn star just to sucker him in and get him to be he babysitter and meal ticket.

 

In either case you need to protect yourself and your kids from him and get the divorced pushed through ASAP and make sure you get the house, full custody and as much court-mandated child support as humanly possible.

 

If he is psycho there is no telling what he will do and you need to protect yourself, your kids and your assets as much as possible from him.

 

If he has been fraudulently duped by her, then you need to protect yourself, your kids and your assets from him AND HER as much as possible.

If she sucked him in, he is going to realize it in just a matter of months or even weeks and will coming crawling back as soon as the blow jobs dry up and he realizes he got sucked in to be a babysitter and a fireman to put out all her fires and dramas.

 

You need to protect yourself from him and secure your home, children and assets as much as possible.

 

You are either going to have a psycho showing up on your doorstep, or a desperate, broken cad showing up on your doorstep in a very short period of time.

 

I know you are angry, sad, disenchanted, disillusioned and heartbroken, but you have a job to do and job # 1 right now is to protect yourself, kids, home and assets from a seriously messed up person.

 

 

I'm curious why you just assume she is 'psycho'. You mention it over and over.

[waterwoman]

Do sorry tinam. He sounds utterly callous. Please insist on keeping the dog at least. Why would he assume your children want to spend the day with his new woman without him present? What's the point of that?

[threelaurels]

I have it written into my court ordered parenting plan that we (me/exH) will not introduce our children to anyone we are dating without first discussing it with the other parent. Your husband is delusional if he thinks he can get full custody just because he feels like it. It is a court process and the courts (I've found) want to protect children from drama in the parents lives.

 

This type of clause is called a "morality" clause and is common in custody arrangements. They usually stipulate things like both parents have to agree on when a new partner can be introduced to the kids, that the kids cannot be left alone with a partner, and that a person of the opposite sex cannot spend the night while the kids are in the house. All of these arrangements regarding partners are dissipated once marriage happens.

 

Because he has so dramatically just dumped his family, a judge may be sympathetic to you.

 

Most judges will slam the husband for introducing the kids to a new partner so quickly. Things are not going to look good for him, and I wouldn't be surprised if the judge mandates an alcohol/drug screening before any temporary custody arrangements are put in place. One of the key things the judges are going to look for when deciding custody is a stable home environment. His quick uprooting is definitely going to be a consideration.

 

I'll be the third to stress this point. You need an attorney to get some temporary orders in place about custody and finances. Don't let this man tell you what he's going to do. Get it court-ordered. And do it now.

Do NOT let him determine how much child support he owes. Let a judge do that. He's going to underestimate it by a lot . I don't care what those online calculators say.

 

Make sure you document dates and times. And your phone conversation with your daughter. A lawyer will have a field day with this.

 

I cannot stress the importance of documenting enough. He is screwing himself in so many ways that it's actually kind of funny. This case is pretty much a law student's wet dream right here. Most divorce attorneys would love it.

 

Im in Florida.

 

Here is a list of free legal aid offices in FL: Free LEGAL AID Florida State Programs

 

My friend's fiance is a prosecutor in FL, and I will ask if he knows any divorce attorneys who might be willing to take on a pro bono case--at least for just establishing custody and child support. I wouldn't put much stock in my efforts, however, because I doubt he has any close relationships with attorneys who work outside of the criminal justice system. It's worth a try though.

 

Edit: Just re-read and saw that you found an attorney who might help out. That's great news. Let me know if it doesn't work out, and I'll ask the guy I know if he knows anyone.

Edited July 1, 2013 by threelaurels

[Bluebelle38]

I'm really sorry you are going through this - it sounds horrendous.

 

I am a little perplexed though at the comment that men leave their wives for younger women! And if he leaves his wife for an older one then he is mentally unstable and having a mid-life crisis.

 

What about - shock horror! - he fell in love with this other woman.

 

I recently met a married man on a course I was doing, well, about a year ago who over time confessed feelings and love for me and was in total upheaval as he had children with a wife he no longer loved. He is still in a loveless marriage for his kids and says he will stay there till they grow up. We never had an affair. I am 5 years old than him and 8 years older than his wife. It happens. People fall for people of all ages and with all sorts of baggage.

 

None of us can know what baggage he was carrying with his wife and family. They are his private thoughts.

 

Again, I am sorry that this has happened. It is unfair and awful, but instead of everyone presuming this all fits in neatly to the 'mid-life crisis' box or mental breakdown, maybe we should consider he fell in love with someone else and was not prepared to give his marriage a chance.

[tinam]

This type of clause is called a "morality" clause and is common in custody arrangements. They usually stipulate things like both parents have to agree on when a new partner can be introduced to the kids, that the kids cannot be left alone with a partner, and that a person of the opposite sex cannot spend the night while the kids are in the house. All of these arrangements regarding partners are dissipated once marriage happens.

 

 

 

Most judges will slam the husband for introducing the kids to a new partner so quickly. Things are not going to look good for him, and I wouldn't be surprised if the judge mandates an alcohol/drug screening before any temporary custody arrangements are put in place. One of the key things the judges are going to look for when deciding custody is a stable home environment. His quick uprooting is definitely going to be a consideration.

 

 

Do NOT let him determine how much child support he owes. Let a judge do that. He's going to underestimate it by a lot . I don't care what those online calculators say.

 

 

 

I cannot stress the importance of documenting enough. He is screwing himself in so many ways that it's actually kind of funny. This case is pretty much a law student's wet dream right here. Most divorce attorneys would love it.

 

 

 

Here is a list of free legal aid offices in FL: Free LEGAL AID Florida State Programs

 

My friend's fiance is a prosecutor in FL, and I will ask if he knows any divorce attorneys who might be willing to take on a pro bono case--at least for just establishing custody and child support. I wouldn't put much stock in my efforts, however, because I doubt he has any close relationships with attorneys who work outside of the criminal justice system. It's worth a try though.

 

Edit: Just re-read and saw that you found an attorney who might help out. That's great news. Let me know if it doesn't work out, and I'll ask the guy I know if he knows anyone.

 

Thanks so much for the info.

[turnera]

Also, get a bound notebook (so you can't insert/delete pages) and write out the timeline for everything that happened, by date. Continue to update it with all the crap he pulls. Fill it up. It may or may not be read by the judge, but just the fact that you have a book full of things he's done is impressive enough to get the judge thinking.

[Artie Lang]

i say you get an attorney and take this d0uchebag to the cleaners.

 

he doesn't get to dictate terms. let the courts decide what he must pay.

 

time to lace up your b1tch-boots.