Author tinam Posted June 11, 2013 Author Posted June 11, 2013 I agree that you should seek legal advice IMMEDIATELY...do not wait. I would also do a thorough review of your finances form the past year and see if he has been giving her any money or using family money for his affair. If so, you should try and get it back. As for your chldren, they ar eold enough to decide what they want. Forcing them to spend time with him and her will not help...it will just make maters worse. Sadly, your story is not an uncommon one, and I have a sneaking suspicion that there may be far more to the story than you are being told.it does sound as if his other woman was looking for father figure for her kids and a meal ticket...don't let that come at the expense of you and your children. Right now, the bottom line is that you need to protect yourself and your children...don't worry about him, he's a big boy, he made his big boy bed and now he needs to lie in it. Whenever i can bring myself to do it i check our joint checking account. Im always scared im gonna get set back by seeing what he's spending on her. So far since he left nothing out of ordinary. Still paying all regual bills. He's not wining and dining his new woman. He must be letting her take care if of it all. Feel pampered for once i guess .
Shocked Suzie Posted June 11, 2013 Posted June 11, 2013 Whenever i can bring myself to do it i check our joint checking account. Im always scared im gonna get set back by seeing what he's spending on her. So far since he left nothing out of ordinary. Still paying all regual bills. He's not wining and dining his new woman. He must be letting her take care if of it all. Feel pampered for once i guess . recon that whats happening with my H, totally stress free and no responsibility... ...denial, escapism, minimal responsibility and unrealistic outlook to life of someone who had committed to a wife and children. 1
Shocked Suzie Posted June 11, 2013 Posted June 11, 2013 the OW are welcome to them...spineless men xx 3
Author tinam Posted June 11, 2013 Author Posted June 11, 2013 recon that whats happening with my H, totally stress free and no responsibility... ...denial, escapism, minimal responsibility and unrealistic outlook to life of someone who had committed to a wife and children. Exactly. I hurt everyday. But trying to do things with the kids cause i know their hurting more He don't even call them to say goodnight. They haven't talked to him in 5 days. I switched my schedule around today so we could just go to the pool and have a day. Their faces lit up. It was really nice. But now i sit here alone when he should be here. Can't keep busy every second. I posted on the infedelidy site too and got some good feedback. Don't want to make exuses for him at all but he's done this to me before right after we got married been unsure couple timed. Seems when times are good we ate so good, meaning finances then the second it gets bad he snaps. I always have that fear is he gonna leave cause he did before. But i really thought we were good by how we acted together .His mom was manic depressed. He always said he thought he was borderline manic. Someone said for me to Google bipolor . Am i just grasping for why he could do thus? 1
Shocked Suzie Posted June 12, 2013 Posted June 12, 2013 Exactly. I hurt everyday. But trying to do things with the kids cause i know their hurting more He don't even call them to say goodnight. They haven't talked to him in 5 days. I switched my schedule around today so we could just go to the pool and have a day. Their faces lit up. It was really nice. But now i sit here alone when he should be here. Can't keep busy every second. I posted on the infedelidy site too and got some good feedback. Don't want to make exuses for him at all but he's done this to me before right after we got married been unsure couple timed. Seems when times are good we ate so good, meaning finances then the second it gets bad he snaps. I always have that fear is he gonna leave cause he did before. But i really thought we were good by how we acted together .His mom was manic depressed. He always said he thought he was borderline manic. Someone said for me to Google bipolor . Am i just grasping for why he could do thus? Could well be medical in your case, have you seen any other signs apart from your first break up? ...you've not given up on him Tina, remember that! if he is unwell then you have shown enough love and compassion i think in my case, its a mixture of mid life crisis, overwhelming financial burden and escapism... i think he just wanted something else, the fact that he has walked away from his family to achieve this without trying to do some leg work in the first time our relationship showed its very first cracks highlights many personal issues within himself...those i cant change or correct..has to be done by him, if ever he see's them. All i know is the pain they have both inflicted on our families makes them totally untrustworthy people to have in our lives, they cant be relied on if they are gonna bail in such a way I hope you have the strength to stand alone if he does try to come back, what he n my H has done is really unforgivable and show they have a pretty nasty characters deep within
Author tinam Posted June 13, 2013 Author Posted June 13, 2013 Could well be medical in your case, have you seen any other signs apart from your first break up? ...you've not given up on him Tina, remember that! if he is unwell then you have shown enough love and compassion i think in my case, its a mixture of mid life crisis, overwhelming financial burden and escapism... i think he just wanted something else, the fact that he has walked away from his family to achieve this without trying to do some leg work in the first time our relationship showed its very first cracks highlights many personal issues within himself...those i cant change or correct..has to be done by him, if ever he see's them. All i know is the pain they have both inflicted on our families makes them totally untrustworthy people to have in our lives, they cant be relied on if they are gonna bail in such a way I hope you have the strength to stand alone if he does try to come back, what he n my H has done is really unforgivable and show they have a pretty nasty characters deep within I dint know if there's been other signs other than when things are good say financially he is so happy and the second something goes wrong he snaps and gets so upset then seems ok again. I don't know. No i haven't given up on him if its a possibility its medical. But we aren't even talking. Just 2-3 word text about the kids. So i don't think he even cares. Im trying to get on with my life in case there is no point. I just don't know.such a big part of me wants to say why bother for all he's put me through. But a bigger part loves him and knows what we had and really thought it was real and worth fixing. Just don't know.
Author tinam Posted June 13, 2013 Author Posted June 13, 2013 Do you want him back or are you just divorcing? I honestly don't know. He said he wants a divorce right in the beginning. Said it wouldn't be anytime soon cause couldn't afford it. Ive just been numb and unsure since. I wanted to work in our marrage even after what he did. But he seemed done. And still seems that way. I know its time to snap out of it some and seek legal advice myself. I can't afford it. I just dont know. I want my kids taken care of. My head is so foggy i don't even know what to do first. He's still married. Straight went shacked up with OW. Admitted he was cheating, even yo his kids. I have yo have some rights here right??
BetrayedH Posted June 14, 2013 Posted June 14, 2013 Many attorneys will at least offer a free first-visit consultation. This would give you some understanding of your rights. And it would be a step towards both moving forward with your life and showing him that you will not sit idly by and accept unacceptable behavior. Any chance of leaning on family for money towards an attorney? If there was ever a time for them to have your back, this is it. 3
Shocked Suzie Posted June 14, 2013 Posted June 14, 2013 Many attorneys will at least offer a free first-visit consultation. This would give you some understanding of your rights. And it would be a step towards both moving forward with your life and showing him that you will not sit idly by and accept unacceptable behavior. Any chance of leaning on family for money towards an attorney? If there was ever a time for them to have your back, this is it. Tina this is the best thing i ever did, it gave me direction...the solicitor i saw even gave me some advice from his years of experience...remember they've seen this a thousand times before and usually fully aware of how these things long term work out... if you cant do it for yourself, do it for your children..or he'll walk all over you 1
Author tinam Posted June 15, 2013 Author Posted June 15, 2013 Yesterday was just horrible. Haven't had any contact with himat all. Very few words texts. Well he was supposed to pick up kids at 6 and my daughter came to me and said she's been thinking and she didn't want to go for the whole weekend but she wanted to see him for fathers day. I told her to call him and talk to him. I didn't want to make it seem it was coming from me. She came up with it all on her own. Well she come to my room crying i asked what happen. He told her that's where he lived now and she has to get used to it. I about flipped. I texetd saying no she don't have to get used to it until she's ready. He says are we suppose to let the kids rule and make all the decides. He was being so selfish and heartless. I told him he has no clue what these kids she going through and they Will not be forced on his new woman until they are ready and he was being selfish to ask them to. He comes back with. Oh im the selfish one working all these years taking care of everyone while you sat on your as* .I got my composure and said whatever not even worth a comment. All i know is they are in pain and not ready to go and Will not be forced. Then fine ill be the bad guy. Really??he's lost his dam mind. I just told him i know and the kids know i have not bad moted him once. Im doing the best i can. He is the bad guy in there eyes. He cheated on there mom. He left. All this is happening cause of his choices. its really time for me to come out of my sad bubble and get the ball rolling on legal advice eat. Its been quiet till me. Now he's starting to get nasty. I really really hate this.
Confused48 Posted June 15, 2013 Posted June 15, 2013 Tinam, You really do need legal advice. You don't want to make any missteps at this point. Talk to people that have been through this that you know locally. Find out who they used as an attorney. Also, read this article about kids in your situation: Infidelity: The Lessons Children Learn 1
BetrayedH Posted June 15, 2013 Posted June 15, 2013 You are damn right you need legal counsel. You are not going to agree on how to move forward and how you proceed thru a nasty separation until a divorce happens can vary widely. You probably need a temporary order of some kind that stipulates how custody will work. Because he has so dramatically just dumped his family, a judge may be sympathetic to you. But if you keep refusing him 50/50 custody of his kids without some legal back-up, they may not look favorably on you. I'm sorry to say it but this is a legal game now. You need to make decisions with your head, not your emotions. And the sooner you have an established plan for how things will proceed, the sooner your kids will feel stability.
turnera Posted June 15, 2013 Posted June 15, 2013 If you want him back, the first thing you have to do is expose the affair to everyone who matters. I know he's already moved, but he likely lied to everyone and said you kicked him out or something. So call everyone up - his family, her family, best friends, pastor, and let them all know the truth. Do that today.
Author tinam Posted June 16, 2013 Author Posted June 16, 2013 You are damn right you need legal counsel. You are not going to agree on how to move forward and how you proceed thru a nasty separation until a divorce happens can vary widely. You probably need a temporary order of some kind that stipulates how custody will work. Because he has so dramatically just dumped his family, a judge may be sympathetic to you. But if you keep refusing him 50/50 custody of his kids without some legal back-up, they may not look favorably on you. I'm sorry to say it but this is a legal game now. You need to make decisions with your head, not your emotions. And the sooner you have an established plan for how things will proceed, the sooner your kids will feel stability. I am not trying to deny him rights to see them at all!! I've left it up to them. They are raw and do not want to go. I believe they are old enough to decide if they are ready. He can see them any time he wants. They just dint want be with the now girlfriend.are you saying if i refuse to push that on my kids it don't look good for me ?? I've talked to them numerous times. Its their choice . They don't want go.
BetrayedH Posted June 16, 2013 Posted June 16, 2013 I am not trying to deny him rights to see them at all!! I've left it up to them. They are raw and do not want to go. I believe they are old enough to decide if they are ready. He can see them any time he wants. They just dint want be with the now girlfriend.are you saying if i refuse to push that on my kids it don't look good for me ?? I've talked to them numerous times. Its their choice . They don't want go. Generally, it's not considered good for the kids to be involved in the decision-making. And the courts may not agree that it's their choice. During my separation and divorce, the kids have never decided if or when transitions will happen. We've always had a well-defined 50/50 arrangement that ensured for the kids that both of their parents would be equally involved in their lives and it was a well-defined plan that allowed them to anticipate when they could spend time with each parent. Of course, my kids are also younger. If your kids are older, the court may well care a lot about the kids preferences. My point is that you need an attorney. In the meantime, if the children's father is demanding time with them, I would be very careful about denying him anything short of 50/50. Like him or not, he's their father and you have little right to keep his kids from him. Unless things are different where you live, the parents are the ones in charge until the kids are 18.
Author tinam Posted June 16, 2013 Author Posted June 16, 2013 Generally, it's not considered good for the kids to be involved in the decision-making. And the courts may not agree that it's their choice. During my separation and divorce, the kids have never decided if or when transitions will happen. We've always had a well-defined 50/50 arrangement that ensured for the kids that both of their parents would be equally involved in their lives and it was a well-defined plan that allowed them to anticipate when they could spend time with each parent. Of course, my kids are also younger. If your kids are older, the court may well care a lot about the kids preferences. My point is that you need an attorney. In the meantime, if the children's father is demanding time with them, I would be very careful about denying him anything short of 50/50. Like him or not, he's their father and you have little right to keep his kids from him. Unless things are different where you live, the parents are the ones in charge until the kids are 18. Yeah mine are 17, 12 11 I have not denied them going with him once. Even after all the tramamaic one after crap that happened all at once to them i even didn't stop him from taking him to his new place with his new woman he's now shacked up with while still married. They went one time said it was to hard. They wanted to see daddy but not her. Im hearing different things. Not to let kids choose and he shouldn't be able to push her on them if their not ready. He can see them anytime. Just not with her. Yes i am gonna get legal advise for sure.
Author tinam Posted June 19, 2013 Author Posted June 19, 2013 Had contact for first time in a while. It went pretty well. We were very cordule. I talked calmly with him and said i was not persuading the kids decision in not wanting to go to his house. They want to see him but not her. That he has no idea what they are going through. It went on but he agreed to not force it and took them to his dads. He said after this month he's not paying anything at the house anymore and looked it up online and figure how much he should start paying me. Said i can feel free to look into it myself that he's not trying to screw me. He wants to take care of his kids bla bla. Yes i Will thanks. I thought i would like it when he left but i didn't. I was sad for a few but got in with it. It still hurts so bad some days. But honestly i don't know where this strength is coming from.
2sure Posted June 19, 2013 Posted June 19, 2013 What state are you in? The family court there may not require you to have an attorney to get a child support order prior to divorce. You have got to take a step here legally. 1
Steen719 Posted June 20, 2013 Posted June 20, 2013 What state are you in? The family court there may not require you to have an attorney to get a child support order prior to divorce. You have got to take a step here legally. Yes, I agree. He may not be able to just leave and pay nothing at the house. If you have not retained an attorney - go tomorrow. Protect yourself. Geez....what a guy! 1
Author tinam Posted June 20, 2013 Author Posted June 20, 2013 What state are you in? The family court there may not require you to have an attorney to get a child support order prior to divorce. You have got to take a step here legally. Im in Florida.
BetrayedH Posted June 20, 2013 Posted June 20, 2013 Yes, I agree. He may not be able to just leave and pay nothing at the house. If you have not retained an attorney - go tomorrow. Protect yourself. Geez....what a guy! I'll be the third to stress this point. You need an attorney to get some temporary orders in place about custody and finances. Don't let this man tell you what he's going to do. Get it court-ordered. And do it now. 2
Author tinam Posted June 25, 2013 Author Posted June 25, 2013 Hurting so bad today. It just won't stop. I've actually been doing ok. I've been kinda shocked and wondering where the strength was coming from. I woke up today and his face is consuming my every second. I just want it to stop.
Author tinam Posted June 25, 2013 Author Posted June 25, 2013 Yes. Everyone knows. He moved in with her after two weeks. Its no secret. Don't know why today is so tough. Maybe cause I've been making myself get through each day saying i can do this not really letting myself feel the hurt. Now it just won't stop.
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