tinam Posted June 7, 2013 Posted June 7, 2013 Its been 1 month today. So raw. We've been married 15 years have 3 amazing kids. In my eyes and everyone else's we were very happy. We never fought. Very affectionate. Always holding hands even in the car. We were that couple other couples hated. I sensed nothing! I had full access to his email his phone he was never sketchy about it. I came home from work and saw the look in his face something was wrong. Look like he'd been crying. I asked he said didn't want to talk about it. I tried to leave it thought he was stressed about work. As the evening wore in it just got too much. After kids went to bed i wouldn't drop it. He tells me he hadn't been happy for some time and was leaving. Don't even know why i asked cause i honestly didn't think he had but i asked if he cheated he said yes. I about died. It got lid i told him to leave cause kids were sleep. Dreadful night. He came back in the morning when they left. Sat with me all day hashing it it. I guess he'd known this what*re for a year at work but it just recently became physical. He said he was leaving and gonna dtsy with his dad. A week later comes by to tell me he's moving in with her and wants the kids to come meet her. Are you kidding me. They are going through so much. I say no way too soon. He threatens for full custody. Not even worried about that. I decided to leave it up to them. Their 17, 12,11. My oldest refuses and still hasn't gone. I've only seen him once since he left. Im ok some days because im so mad that he did this to us. Playing hose with a woman 6 years older than him with 6 kids. Only 2 live at home. Same age as my yonger 2. So they get to deal with daddy being with someone else's kids. Just do hard.Trying to be strong for them. Just don't know some days.
2sure Posted June 7, 2013 Posted June 7, 2013 This is so freaking outrageous, I hope you're making at least some of it up. But sadly, I know this is your truth. I'm sorry you have been so blind sided. I can't help but think, since he has done such DRASTIC things so quickly, and with planning as far as the kids, finances, divorce...that he has lost his damn mind. Since all this has happened in 30 days...what do you want? 7
veryhappy Posted June 7, 2013 Posted June 7, 2013 I'm sorry you are hurting. All I can say from the other side of the triangle is don't make it about the other woman. 99.9% of us are not able to make a man be with us, no matter how sparkly and shiny we are inside and out. If he left, escpecially for someone with 6 kids( hardly something to look forward to), it says more about where he was and where your marriage was. It could only be him, and not the marriage if you say you haven't suspected anything. A serious midlife crisis? The best approach in these cases is to let him go, and only accept him back if you want after he cooled off for a long while. You want to avoid him going back and forth between the two of you. 3
pteromom Posted June 7, 2013 Posted June 7, 2013 I feel badly for you, but I feel heartbroken for your poor children. I am really sorry he has done this to all of you. 4
oldshirt Posted June 7, 2013 Posted June 7, 2013 Something is really really wrong here. Men leave their wives and families for younger, cuter women that have LESS baggage (ie kids) not older women that have MORE. Either he has gone completely pyscho or he has been desparately unhappy for a long time and this gal has been banging and blowing him like a porn star just to sucker him in and get him to be he babysitter and meal ticket. In either case you need to protect yourself and your kids from him and get the divorced pushed through ASAP and make sure you get the house, full custody and as much court-mandated child support as humanly possible. If he is psycho there is no telling what he will do and you need to protect yourself, your kids and your assets as much as possible from him. If he has been fraudulently duped by her, then you need to protect yourself, your kids and your assets from him AND HER as much as possible. If she sucked him in, he is going to realize it in just a matter of months or even weeks and will coming crawling back as soon as the blow jobs dry up and he realizes he got sucked in to be a babysitter and a fireman to put out all her fires and dramas. You need to protect yourself from him and secure your home, children and assets as much as possible. You are either going to have a psycho showing up on your doorstep, or a desperate, broken cad showing up on your doorstep in a very short period of time. I know you are angry, sad, disenchanted, disillusioned and heartbroken, but you have a job to do and job # 1 right now is to protect yourself, kids, home and assets from a seriously messed up person. 4
pteromom Posted June 7, 2013 Posted June 7, 2013 Something is really really wrong here. Men leave their wives and families for younger, cuter women that have LESS baggage (ie kids) not older women that have MORE. Not necessarily. Usually someone who walks away from their family has major internal issues, and it has little to do with the BS or the OW. They believe that something external can make them happy, when happiness comes from the internal. 2
loredo21 Posted June 7, 2013 Posted June 7, 2013 Not necessarily. Usually someone who walks away from their family has major internal issues, and it has little to do with the BS or the OW. They believe that something external can make them happy, when happiness comes from the internal. your avatar makes me verrry dizzy. OP I am so sorry you are going through this. But I agree with everyone else. Mid-life crisis with a dose of bat-**** crazy. I don't know what you want from him but I can almost guarantee him coming back with his tail between his legs very soon. This is all just too fast. He hasn't thought it through. 3
oldshirt Posted June 7, 2013 Posted June 7, 2013 Not necessarily. Usually someone who walks away from their family has major internal issues, and it has little to do with the BS or the OW. They believe that something external can make them happy, when happiness comes from the internal. Yes. And 8 times out of ten when men leave believing that external stimulus will make them happy, that external stimulus is a younger woman with less baggage. When it's an older women with more baggage, the men either have a serious dysfunction going on or the they are being suckered in under false pretenses.
oldshirt Posted June 7, 2013 Posted June 7, 2013 . When it's an older women with more baggage, the men either have a serious dysfunction going on or the they are being suckered in under false pretenses. Either way, she needs to protect herself ASAP. He is seriously messed up and there is no telling what he will do. Bat$h!t crazy is spot-on.
pteromom Posted June 8, 2013 Posted June 8, 2013 your avatar makes me verrry dizzy. Good... that's the point. I am trying to hypnotize everyone into following my advice. You is getting sleeeeeepy... very very sleeeeeepy. 4
loredo21 Posted June 8, 2013 Posted June 8, 2013 Good... that's the point. I am trying to hypnotize everyone into following my advice. You is getting sleeeeeepy... very very sleeeeeepy. hahaha! Well it's perfect! Zzzzzz. 1
Praying4Peace Posted June 8, 2013 Posted June 8, 2013 What are you going to do when he comes back begging for you to take him back? Because it will happen. Going from one relationship to another, esp with so many kids involved, is not healthy and won't bring him the happiness he thinks it will. Maybe you can get yourself into IC to prepare? Sort out everything? As to the person who said people leave for younger women with less 'baggage' (in this case I think the poster is equating baggage with number of children)...not true at all. When you're in the FOG you don't see any of that. Just the person in front of you.
HopingAgain Posted June 8, 2013 Posted June 8, 2013 I don't know any way to say this but in a straightforward fashion, so I'll just come out with it. Is there a possibility he has become hooked on drugs, alcohol, or both? I know it may sound far fetched if your husband has previouslt been a straight laced guy. But the changes you describe are way too out there abd drastic to just be he fell for another woman. Another possibility to consider is mental illness. In any case, keep yourself safe and stable as possible during all this. He sounds very unstable and not dealing with reality, indicators of mental illness and or addiction 4
Author tinam Posted June 9, 2013 Author Posted June 9, 2013 This is so freaking outrageous, I hope you're making at least some of it up. But sadly, I know this is your truth. I'm sorry you have been so blind sided. I can't help but think, since he has done such DRASTIC things so quickly, and with planning as far as the kids, finances, divorce...that he has lost his damn mind. Since all this has happened in 30 days...what do you want? Unfortunatly im not making any of it up what do i want is a really good question.That chsnges hour by hour. It for sure has gotten easier but there are some times when it hits me so hard i can barely stand it. It seems so unreal he's not here and is with someone else when i thought we were fine.
Author tinam Posted June 9, 2013 Author Posted June 9, 2013 In an earlier thread you had said you husband tried to bail from your marriage after only being married for two months, you actually got divorced, but then re-married. Being pregnant may have played a factor in getting back together early on? You're probably glossing over some pretty important factors by portraying yourself as the perfect couple who everyone hates. It doesn't sound like your husband was ever really invested in the relationship. Pretending otherwise is not going to help you figure all this out. You are absolutely right. I've thought alot about this. He left so easily once before. When we were divorced we were never really totally apart. Guess get wanted cake and eat it too and i let him for 2 years then i got pregnant. He decided we should get back together. Then after 2 weeks changed mind again.?? Yeah i know. Then really stepped up and we've really been good ever since.12 years. He claims its because to much financial burden on his shoulders over time. I haven't worked off and on, diff reasons. Only 1 car kids whatever. But it has been good for some time. This so out of left field.
Author tinam Posted June 9, 2013 Author Posted June 9, 2013 I don't know any way to say this but in a straightforward fashion, so I'll just come out with it. Is there a possibility he has become hooked on drugs, alcohol, or both? I know it may sound far fetched if your husband has previouslt been a straight laced guy. But the changes you describe are way too out there abd drastic to just be he fell for another woman. Another possibility to consider is mental illness. In any case, keep yourself safe and stable as possible during all this. He sounds very unstable and not dealing with reality, indicators of mental illness and or addiction I honestly don't think it has anything yo do with drugs or alcohol. Mental stuff im not so sure.Wve had had problems way in the past when things get tough he just freaks out. He always said he was scared cause his mom was borderline manic depressant and he felt it was in him sometimes cause when times get real tough he want take it. Like our finances. We got our income taxes ontop of his nice bonus. We had so much fun as a family doing things ee haven't ever been able to. We were so happy. He was fishing up our yard. Then all of a sudden he's stressed saying how little is left in the account i saw his mood changing. It was a few weeks later this happened. Like when things were going ok. He was Ik. Then the second they weren't he was dine and blamed me for not helping years ago. Ugh. Dint jniw.so frustrating.
Goodbye Posted June 9, 2013 Posted June 9, 2013 I have it written into my court ordered parenting plan that we (me/exH) will not introduce our children to anyone we are dating without first discussing it with the other parent. Your husband is delusional if he thinks he can get full custody just because he feels like it. It is a court process and the courts (I've found) want to protect children from drama in the parents lives. 2
BetrayedH Posted June 9, 2013 Posted June 9, 2013 (edited) Look into bi-polar disorder. It's the more current term for manic-depressive and I understand that it can run in the family. It doesn't justify his behavior but it could go a long way in explaining such dramatic shifts in attitude and behavior. Otherwise, please know that you aren't alone in the shock department. I had a very normal life going with my wife and two children and was blindsided to discover her year-long affair. We'd been together 18 years, married for 12. Our kids were just 4 and 8. I really had no clue. We both had good jobs, a nice home, barely ever argued. We subsequently divorced but even though my Dday was two years ago, it all still seems surreal. It's astonishing to think what happened to my perfectly normal life. Acceptance is the last stage of grief. But rest assured, it's real and it happens all the time. It's time for you to start planning your second life. You'll likely look backward a lot over the next few years but do your best to look forward. You are different from him and so it may never make sense to you regardless of how long you look at it. And it's hard to drive forward when you're always looking in the rearview mirror. My heart goes out to you and many others here get what you are feeling. Now it falls to you to decide what to do with the rest of your life. Oh, and yeah, his "full custody" comments aren't worth $.02. See an attorney. Edited June 9, 2013 by BetrayedH 5
Shocked Suzie Posted June 9, 2013 Posted June 9, 2013 Look into bi-polar disorder. It's the more current term for manic-depressive and I understand that it can run in the family. It doesn't justify his behavior but it could go a long way in explaining such dramatic shifts in attitude and behavior. Otherwise, please know that you aren't alone in the shock department. I had a very normal life going with my wife and two children and was blindsided to discover her year-long affair. We'd been together 18 years, married for 12. Our kids were just 4 and 8. I really had no clue. We both had good jobs, a nice home, barely ever argued. We subsequently divorced but even though my Dday was two years ago, it all still seems surreal. It's astonishing to think what happened to my perfectly normal life. Acceptance is the last stage of grief. But rest assured, it's real and it happens all the time. It's time for you to start planning your second life. You'll likely look backward a lot over the next few years but do your best to look forward. You are different from him and so it may never make sense to you regardless of how long you look at it. And it's hard to drive forward when you're always looking in the rearview mirror. My heart goes out to you and many others here get what you are feeling. Now it falls to you to decide what to do with the rest of your life. Oh, and yeah, his "full custody" comments aren't worth $.02. See an attorney. As some already know, I'm too in the very same position and in shock ...what you've said here in bold BH is the key...I've many times and sometimes still do look back and fall into the deep despair of why and how! Although you do need to look into your relationship, it's very important not to linger for too long....I have made a deal with myself 'I've been there and I'm not to go back there anymore' it's hard to do this in the early days as without even realizing it your mind has slipped back into 'the' thinking, but in time you can pick when you are starting to 'go there' and you can quickly pull yourself out, not allowing yourself to go too deep into thought! This takes time I'm around the 6month stage, even that I try not to count! Just try to deal with the here, now and future..... SS x 1
Shocked Suzie Posted June 9, 2013 Posted June 9, 2013 Few things that helped me in early stage; - Set very simple goals of things to achieve, that could be house work, or even half of it...taking kids to the park...doing one needed thing like opening a bank acc. - focus on doing things in your new family unit, even if it's to ensure you sit down at the table for a family meal or you make the effort to cook a nice dinner...take your kids to the park, movies, picnic....this helps you all get some stability and normality - allow timeout for yourself, have time with friends for coffee, swim...walk Xx 1
Artie Lang Posted June 10, 2013 Posted June 10, 2013 i say you 180 his ass and lawyer-up. you need to protect yourself right now. i seriously don't know why you'd want him back after this. you deserve better. 7
BetrayedH Posted June 10, 2013 Posted June 10, 2013 As some already know, I'm too in the very same position and in shock ...what you've said here in bold BH is the key...I've many times and sometimes still do look back and fall into the deep despair of why and how! Although you do need to look into your relationship, it's very important not to linger for too long....I have made a deal with myself 'I've been there and I'm not to go back there anymore' it's hard to do this in the early days as without even realizing it your mind has slipped back into 'the' thinking, but in time you can pick when you are starting to 'go there' and you can quickly pull yourself out, not allowing yourself to go too deep into thought! This takes time I'm around the 6month stage, even that I try not to count! Just try to deal with the here, now and future..... SS x Suzie- I would be lying if I said I didn't go there. I go there daily and probably need the speech more than anyone. But I think part of the key is limiting how much I blame myself for someone else's piss poor choices. And I do force myself to think of the future. It's almost impossible to stop looking back entirely (and too much to ask of myself) but I do force a healthier view. Hope that makes sense. I guess I'm saying to cut yourself some slack, too. This IS traumatizing. I will process it a bit each day but also try to make sure I am forward thinking. I deserve a life. Sadly, part of it is going thru this. And so I allow it but don't allow it to be overwhelming because I don't deserve that. 1
Shocked Suzie Posted June 10, 2013 Posted June 10, 2013 Suzie- I would be lying if I said I didn't go there. I go there daily and probably need the speech more than anyone. But I think part of the key is limiting how much I blame myself for someone else's piss poor choices. And I do force myself to think of the future. It's almost impossible to stop looking back entirely (and too much to ask of myself) but I do force a healthier view. Hope that makes sense. I guess I'm saying to cut yourself some slack, too. This IS traumatizing. I will process it a bit each day but also try to make sure I am forward thinking. I deserve a life. Sadly, part of it is going thru this. And so I allow it but don't allow it to be overwhelming because I don't deserve that. Yes your right... think all this makes us all pretty hard on ourselves, i'm just so over allowing myself to dwell on a person who thinks what he has done is ok...i used to blame myself in so many ways in all this..thankfully i don't anymore. onward and upwards hey 1
jnel921 Posted June 10, 2013 Posted June 10, 2013 So sorry you are going through this and I agree he has a lot of nerve wanting to introduce the OW to his kids. He may still be in a fog from his A. I am sure that he will soon come down to reality. Once he realizes his situation is not the best over there don't be surprised if he tries to come crawling back. This is where you need to stay strong. Especially for your kids. I think you are better off alone. He has made a terrible choice. Now you can make better ones for you and your kids. Good luck to you.
Jennick Posted June 10, 2013 Posted June 10, 2013 Its been 1 month today. So raw. We've been married 15 years have 3 amazing kids. In my eyes and everyone else's we were very happy. We never fought. Very affectionate. Always holding hands even in the car. We were that couple other couples hated. I sensed nothing! I had full access to his email his phone he was never sketchy about it. I came home from work and saw the look in his face something was wrong. Look like he'd been crying. I asked he said didn't want to talk about it. I tried to leave it thought he was stressed about work. As the evening wore in it just got too much. After kids went to bed i wouldn't drop it. He tells me he hadn't been happy for some time and was leaving. Don't even know why i asked cause i honestly didn't think he had but i asked if he cheated he said yes. I about died. It got lid i told him to leave cause kids were sleep. Dreadful night. He came back in the morning when they left. Sat with me all day hashing it it. I guess he'd known this what*re for a year at work but it just recently became physical. He said he was leaving and gonna dtsy with his dad. A week later comes by to tell me he's moving in with her and wants the kids to come meet her. Are you kidding me. They are going through so much. I say no way too soon. He threatens for full custody. Not even worried about that. I decided to leave it up to them. Their 17, 12,11. My oldest refuses and still hasn't gone. I've only seen him once since he left. Im ok some days because im so mad that he did this to us. Playing hose with a woman 6 years older than him with 6 kids. Only 2 live at home. Same age as my yonger 2. So they get to deal with daddy being with someone else's kids. Just do hard.Trying to be strong for them. Just don't know some days. Don't even know why i asked cause i honestly didn't think he had but i asked if he cheated he said yes. I've been there and understand not expecting the affair. The only thing I can tell you is that if you decide to move on without him it does get easier.
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