Issues: Ex or What?

[MissingHim2009]

Hi everyone. This is my first post as a new member. I have been with the same man for 3.5 years. We have broken up in the past but usually get back together within a week. This time has been different. He ended it May 16th with tears in his eyes saying he couldn't do my moods anymore, that I don't let him in and that he isn't happy. We have spoke a few times since the break up. He tells me I do love you but gives me excuses about getting back together. Examples are the following: I don't want to get hurt again, I don't think we will get better, I don't know, I don't really want a us, etc. But continues to tell me he loves me. So I went to his house demanding answers. That got me really no where. It pissed him off and he ended up saying I don't think I am in love with you anymore. That I have changed over the past few months, that something is wrong and he can't help fix it, along with I won't let him in.

 

Well come to find out, I have been diagnosed with bipolar 2 and severe depression. I sent him a text today saying I have been on meds for three days and feel horrible for everything that has happened between us. I would like to remain good friends, I understand the break up and I am accepting it. Even though deep down, I miss him more than anything but was told not to be too emotional in the text.

 

I have tried to do the no contact rule but I suck at it. He has been there as a friend for four years. We spoke every day multiple times a day. I don't know what to do besides give him space and time but I feel lost like it is my fault. I pushed him away because there is something wrong with me.

 

Any ideas or thoughts would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you

[TaraMaiden]

Harsh as it may sound - it's NC all right.

 

And you'd better start getting good at it.

 

You sent him an explanation.

The rest is up to him.

 

And if he doesn't get in touch and wants no part of it...

Well.

 

It is what it is.

[MissingHim2009]

He is doing NC? Or I need to do NC? Do I have a chance at winning him back or should I just give up now? I know I am still in love with him. This is my first relationship and we have lasted 3.5 years. He is my first everything. I just don't know what to do.

[TaraMaiden]

You need to do NC.

 

Back off, leave him be....

 

Like I said, you sent him news of what had developed and transpired, and now the ball is in his court.

 

Nothing, but nothing lasts forever. And he seems to think he doesn't have the strength to keep going with this any more.

 

And frankly, as I understand it, BPD needs constant review as some medications either become ineffective, or the mental dynamics within the person, change.. It's rare, AFAIK, for a bi-polar person to be prescribed one type of medication, for life.

 

So, you're going to be up-and-down for quite a while....

 

You should have a counsellor or therapist.

It's important to talk to them, and find out as much about your condition as you can, in order to deal with it, manage it and control it as well as possible.

 

Until you get a complete handle on your condition, it's as well to focus on yourself and concentrate on being as well as you can.

 

Keep out of his way and shift your focus to you.

 

If he wants to tentatively touch base with you at one point, that's down to him.

He may well pick up communication in a while.

Right now, you have more important issues to deal with.

[MissingHim2009]

Thanks guys. I just feel like crap. I have said and done so many mean things to do over the past few months. I just miss him so badly. Last night I cried myself to sleep. Saw him in my dreams so didn't sleep very well. I am just hurting like crazy. I miss everything even the bad things about us. I feel just like crap. Having a low day due to the bipolar.

 

I am seeing a therapist. I was seeing one who come to find out was just a marriage counselor. =l I have been going to a new one for two weeks and feel great talking to her. She helped diagnose my condition along with sending me to a specialist to verify the diagnosis.

 

I feel really lost. Like I know he needs some space and time heals everything but I am scared and nervous that I have lost him due to my mood changes. I have been having severe cycling and episodes over the past few months. He tried to help me out but I was too stubborn to let him in to help me. To top it off, he was giving me tons of mixed signals. I am just lost and confused. This has been our longest break up and I am really nervous that he is not coming back this time. I feel like finding out what is wrong with me would help build us back up better. We have been together for 3.5 years. I am scared he is just giving up because he is scared. He is such a logical thinker where I just do things without thinking. He told me I was the one he was going to marry (multiple times throughout the years). I had a promise ring too.

 

Love sucks. Relationships are hard and confusing. How long do I do no contact? Should I try to hate him to get over him? I don't want to hate him, but I feel like I need some anger in me.

 

Thank you

[MissingHim2009]

Also he still has a picture up of us on facebook.

[TaraMaiden]

I feel really lost. Like I know he needs some space and time heals everything but I am scared and nervous that I have lost him due to my mood changes.

Sadly, that's a possibility.

he may just be extremely mentally exhausted with having to have coped with you during a time when there was no diagnosis, no therapy and no medical supervision.

 

I know it's difficult for you to understand, but it really is very emotionally draining having to deal with a BP person, when nothing is being done for them...

He tried to help me out but I was too stubborn to let him in to help me. To top it off, he was giving me tons of mixed signals. I am just lost and confused.

The trouble is, maybe you just couldn't help being stubborn.

Maybe the signals weren't so mixed but appeared to be very confusing and self-contradictory, because he couldn't understand what you were doing...in other words, maybe his 'mixed signals' were merely attempts to respond to YOUR mixed signals.....

 

 

This has been our longest break up and I am really nervous that he is not coming back this time. I feel like finding out what is wrong with me would help build us back up better.

 

It's possible he just needs a bit of a break.... try to ease off, and leave him be....

 

We have been together for 3.5 years. I am scared he is just giving up because he is scared. He is such a logical thinker where I just do things without thinking.

That's a typically BP trait. Logical thinking is not one of the BP strong points...For someone who is rational, logical and sensible, that's pretty difficult to cope with.

 

 

How long do I do no contact? Should I try to hate him to get over him? I don't want to hate him, but I feel like I need some anger in me.

 

As a standard thing, No Contact has no time limit. It is No Contact - period.

You can't 'try' to hate someone, if your heart hasn't got the will to hate.

but I can understand why you'd feel angry.

 

I would - in this case - maybe start a blog on your situation, or keep a journal.

 

but do not contact him for at least a month.

 

Focus on improving your health and well-being and examine the situation again, in 4 weeks' time.

Who knows?

in that time, he may chill, think things out and reconsider....

 

if you hear nothing, then it may be appropriate to tentatively 'touch base' again, then....

 

Also he still has a picture up of us on facebook.

 

Then, 'like' it.

 

But try to avoid continually checking FB.

 

You need to give yourself some 'me' time to come to terms with the new 'you' this therapy and medication is creating.

Get to know yourself, and ensure you like what you see.....

[MissingHim2009]

I am still learning everything about bipolar. I did not realize I bring on a lot of emotions and am bringing on a lot of my own confusion to the mix.

 

A week after our break up, I was so depressed that my mother was thinking I would have to be hospitalized. I text him saying that I was super scared and he replied with 'idk what to say or do,' 'what can i do to help?' I asked him to just tell me I would be okay. He told me I would be fine. I had confidence that day.

 

Then we have talked since about us. He says he just doesn't have the fight in him to keep trying cause it has just got worse over the past few months.

 

Maybe I am giving him mixed signs as well. I know we can work if he truly wants too but I do think he is scared of me. I told him I thought he was scared of me and he said I just don't want to get hurt. It has been rough but finally I am starting to understand me a little better.

 

Finding out I am bipolar has been very relieving but I am still suffering with it. I just have the need to make it all better and fix it. I am always trying to fix everything though but myself. Fixing myself is just too hard. I want to fix me and get me right but its just really hard to do it. I want to show him and prove to him that I have that funky girl he fell in love with still in me. That she just got lost from all the cycling and episodes.

 

Thanks.

[MissingHim2009]

I think I finally realized that he is no longer in love with me at all. I pushed him away for good and it hurts like no other. All I do is cry. Doesn't help that the antidepression medication the doctor gave me is not working.

 

Thanks everyone

[aloneinaz]

I think I finally realized that he is no longer in love with me at all. I pushed him away for good and it hurts like no other. All I do is cry. Doesn't help that the antidepression medication the doctor gave me is not working.

 

Thanks everyone

 

anti-depressants can take 4-6 weeks to work. You body has to get use to them and build up appropriate levels of the drugs. If you're suffering, let your doctor know. Try and be patient and give the meds time.

 

I also agree you need to go NC. Give him space and use the time to get yourself re-centered. In all likelihood, that relationship is over. Hopefully you can learn from it and make sure to try and not repeat the same mistakes in your next one.

[MissingHim2009]

Thank you. The doctor told me that within 7 to 10 days I should feel a difference. I was on one medication that gave me severe side effects, but I felt excellent minus those effects. This one, I have been on for almost five days and feel like complete crap. Like I can't do anything right. I am not me anymore. I hate what I see in the mirror. I called the doctor today to be safe. He said stop taking it immediately as he didn't want me to do something stupid being on it. I have to call tomorrow and go into his office for different medication though. I was told I need a mood stabilizer for being Bipolar, not an anti-depression pill. I have been doing research and read some where that anti-depression pills can enhance the bipolar cycling and episodes as it is depression from being bipolar not depression by itself. Make sense?

 

I have been trying to do this alone for this relationship. I may have pushed him away for good. I just don't understand how he says he loves me but doesn't want to be with me right now through this when I think he should be. True love shouldn't be scared to be around you and should want to be with you through your hard times. The only thing I can think of is that I am too scary at this moment or he is not in love with me like I thought.

 

A friend of mine who also is a friend of his, told me tonight that he needs space and time away from me. That I am suffocating him and that he does love me, but I am hard to deal with at this time.

 

So back to no contact at all. Screw him. I have to find me. I have to get out of this depression and this cycling/episodes. I need to find some good medication that my body likes and that can help me out a great deal. I prefer fast but I know that is not possible too.

 

Thank you

[TaraMaiden]

I did point out that medication would vary until they find the right mix...

 

So yes, at the moment, it's a bit of target practice in the dark...

 

Keep in touch here.

You need to completely focus on you.

Keep a diary, watch for patterns, and let yourself adapt.

Don't fight whatever happens. Relax, let it flow, but keep note....

 

You have to give yourself the space and time to develop and evolve.

 

It's hard work, but keep at it.

You're important to you, so you should nurture who you are, and make allowances for whatever happens.

[MissingHim2009]

Found out tonight he blocked me from facebook. That hurt like no other big time. A big slap in my face.

 

I do feel like complete crap but it maybe a sign that I need the NC more than ever. I have deleted his number from my phone but not from my memory yet. I feel like I messed up big time with him but at the same time, I feel like I am better than him and deserve to be treated much better.

 

I will continue to do journals and write on here.

[TaraMaiden]

Right.

 

I'm reminded of a saying:

 

"Love me when I deserve it the least, for that is when I need it the most."

 

At best, he's just emotionally exhausted and has nothing left to give.

At worst, he just hasn't got the stamina emotionally, to be able to shoulder the boulder when things really hit the fan.

 

Time to focus, and put him out of your mind. He knows where you are.

Let friends keep him updated, if that's what he wants.

 

You concentrate on you.

Hugs hun.

You'll be fine - keep going, one step, one small step at a time.

never look at how far you have to go.

Always be proud of how far you've come.

[MissingHim2009]

He blocked me but still has one of pictures of us up on his page. I am so lost.

 

Thank you though. You are extremely kind and I appreciate it a great deal. I am trying to stay strong but its like I have nothing left to be strong. I just feel really weak and that is probably from the depression. I am not sure yet.

 

I think you are right. I am emotionally drained so I can't imagine dealing with me. He did tell me that he loves me but just doesn't have it in him to try again. I don't think he is someone that is great to lean on. He wants you to lean on him but when it happens, it seems to freak him out and he doesn't know how to handle it.

 

But enough about him, and onto me. Have to improve myself and get me to like what I see in the mirror again. I do have a long road ahead of me, but I think with some patience (if I learn how to be patient), I should be fine. Baby steps. I have to learn to crawl before I can run. =)

 

Thanks again

[Leigh 87]

I am so sorry about your loss. Losing a man you're in love with is the worst possible thing I have ever gone through. I know it sucks and no words can do it justice; to adequately describe the depth of despair we are in right now.

 

I am also sorry to hear about your mental health issues. I do not have an official disorder such as depression or bi polar, or anything chemical that makes me feel worthless only to take me into highs (and then crashing lows).

 

I do, however suffer from poor mental health right now. My ex was no saint, yet I completely exhausted him emotionally. For 2.5 years in my case. Right from the start I was a broken person that needed to fix herself. I honestly used my boyfriend an emotional tampon.

 

I can guarantee, that no matter HOW Much the dude loves you, he will not stick around if you completely drain him.

My ex could not even comprehend leaving me himself for a good few days after the break up, because it went against what his HEART wanted; he was still in love with me and wanted to be with me, yet intelligently he saw that it was no life to live with a woman like myself:o who takes her issues out on those closest to them (instead of seeking help and limiting contact so they I could have prevented this from happening).

 

Look. My ex says what you're ex is saying. He still loves me. He has enough love to be with me, if I did not have my mental health issues that caused constant drama. Who I am as a person and the love he felt, he claims was enough to last long term. He wanted to marry me at one stage.

 

Irrespective of HOW much they do or do not love us, one thing has become crystal clear to me: people like us? We MUST learn to be totally happy alone, without being in a relationship, before we are mentally strong and healthy enough to enter into a relationship.

 

I know the things I need to work on; being SO close to another human being brought out a lot of issues that I now realise I need to address.

 

I know it is hard to move on when they leave with the " I still love you but we cannot be together for circumstances BESIDES love"

 

The thing is, though; no one can be with us until we prove to ourselves that we are strong enough to be on our own.

 

In the end, if we both stick to strict No Contact we will become indifferent to these guys of our past. If they come back on their own accord claiming to want to do whatever it takes to try again? Well we should ideally be moving on and have to consider if we even want to get back together with them.

 

I know you want him back. I feel the same way right now. I wish we could just go back to being the way we were, and I knew what I knew NOW so that I could not make the mistakes I made. The mistakes that ended us. I guess it will take him NOT coming back, to have it dawn on me that he, in fact, never loved me enough to begin with. If he did he would come back.

 

I am so sorry to hear this and I hope you find the medication that works for you. I hope you have a reliable doctor on hand who you can make a swift appointment with when your meds stop working.

 

Most of all, I hope, during a stable period, that you can find love either with or without this guy, and that they will see you who you truly are, and fall in love enough to stick around during the off times (if they are satisfied you're doing everything you can to cure your low moods).

 

I did not try as hard as I could have when my ex. Now it is too late to know if it would have ever lasted a lot longer, had I only been the girl he fell in love with. Without the issues that overcame us.

 

Good luck. I feel like crap too. This is so hard.

[TaraMaiden]

Leigh - please - cease banging on about your ex- and making comparisons.

 

leave your ex- out of your posts.

Let Go.

Stop referring to him, or bringing him up, every single time.

he doesn't deserve the mention.

Stop 'keeping it live'.

 

You have been breaking NC regularly according to you, because apparently he keeps contacting you and speaking to you?

 

maybe I'm incorrect, and if I am, apologies.

But if I'm not.... Oy!!

 

 

Whatever - Quit, honey, now, talking about him all the time!

[MissingHim2009]

Thanks to you both. It is hard getting over an ex but my ex is an complete jerk to me even if I have been too much or too tiring. Its bull that he is acting like he is to me, but I am slowly understanding. Fix me and screw him.

[starlet86]

My advise isn't really about your relationship, but more about yourself. I was diagnosed with bi-polar at 18, I wouldn't take my meds, I would depend on others then become completely depressed at the slightest remark, (no one wants a girlfriend who cries because you say you are tired and starts screaming you are making up excuses not to talk to her) I took time out. I had to, focus on yourself. Get stable on your meds. 3 days? 6 years it took me to find a good combination and routine. SIX very long years. You need to leave him be, IF (and it is a big if) he feels he can handle something as big as this, he'll need time. I have only been lucky enough to find one boyfriend who ever understood my illness. Most people don't. Right now you probably don't. Help yourself before you try and repair a relationship.

[MissingHim2009]

I am going to focus on me because I don't know me anymore. I am extremely heart broken but I have to find me before I can truly fix anything with him if he lets me. If not, then oh well. At least I have tried and can say I did everything I could to get him to understand. I think I probably pushed him away too far though. It hurts as I have spoke to him every day for four years and now nothing but I need to find me. This break up has been extremely hard for me, but I think it is the best thing that I personally needed. I can be depressed and figure out why and what has made me this way without worrying about him making me happy or me making him happy. I have to make myself happy. I can do this. It will take time but with the right medication and now the right therapist I believe I can do it with time.

[MissingHim2009]

So two nights ago I heard from the ex. He wanted to know why I have been so mean towards him. This week I haven't spoke to him or text him since Monday and heard from him Thursday. I wasn't that nice back and I realized how crappy he was treating me lately even if I deserved it due to being mean (the bipolar 2). He seemed to want to argue with me about the past month saying that I did not care about him. Well, I told him I did care but the depression was way too bad to really show a difference. I told him I don't know what he wants from me. He replied with I don't know what you want from me either. I told him well you said you aren't in love with me anymore so what's the point? He stopped texting me. Back to no contact. I do not feel down and out or upset about this conversation. I know I deserve better and will find another guy with time. What do you all think? Please don't yell at me for breaking NC. I know I shouldn't of but he pissed me off thinking I was the only one being mean. Maybe I was over the top but he has done mind games with my heart, told me I don't think I am in love with you anymore, and been a jerk throughout this break up. I felt the need to stand up for myself.

 

Thanks

[MissingHim2009]

I need some help immediately. My ex wanted to talk yesterday so we started talking then today he closed up on me saying he just can't open up. I asked why? He said I don't know. I think it is because he is either scared of me or just isn't in love anymore.

 

I asked him and he just says I'm sorry or I can't open up. I have realized that I am overly needy/clingy person who is very impatient. I asked him if he wants to just forget it all? He says just forget it all. I say so you don't really love me uh? He says it's not that. Just forget it all. I ask then what is it? Help me understand as a friend because I have been trying to get you to open up with me so I can understand. He says I can't, so I'm saying bye. I say you can't open up with me or are you scared of me still? He says No i can't. I'm sorry. I said that I honestly think he isn't in love with me otherwise he would want to improve what we had. Honesty is key in building a friendship. He says I guess so. I'm sorry. I told him I will respect his wishes. He says thanks. I told him but he has to do the same thing back with me. No more texting or calling me. He has to either be with me or leave me alone for good. I can't do the rollarcoaster with him while I am fixing me still. I even told him look, I didn't snap at you. A big improvement. He agreed.

 

So what do I do? I feel like I am still getting mixed signals.

Thanks

[TaraMaiden]

No mixed signals there.

he just doesn't have the cojones to say he never wants to see you again.

But honey, it's all there. This is it.

Over.

 

You remain in No Contact and focus on you.

Consider him well and truly gone.

 

Change your 'phone number, it's the best and safest way possible of not getting any kind of message form him ever again.

 

Quit focusing on him...

 

It's your turn to be the important one, now.

[MissingHim2009]

Even though he reached out to me three times over the weekend? That is where I am confused and hurting. I am going to still focus on me. He is just killing my focus right now. He was out of my head for five days. I was laughing, smiling, and cheerful (talking to other guys and friends). Now I am back to being hurt again. Like the break up just happened again but no where as severe (I am no where as depressed as I was though).

 

Time will tell. A friend that knows us both says give him time but continue with me. That he is checking in on me to see how I am doing. Well screw that. No contact at all. It is just too hard at the moment to be fixing me and then trying to fix what we had. Maybe avoiding his texts will help me get better.

 

Thanks

[TaraMaiden]

There are free apps you can download to block unwanted texts/calls. Look at the reviews/ratings and choose the best one for yourself.

 

(I have one called simply 'Calls Blacklist' - the logo looks like a red shield, with a phone receiver on it, in a circle, and a line though that. It's worked fine so far - I presume! I've had no calls from any unwanted/blocked numbers! )

 

I think he's aware that you went on the No Contact tack, and to be honest, simply wanted you to notice him.

 

Well good.

you've noticed.

 

Done.

 

"Pick yourself up, brush yourself off, and start all over again."

 

You're doing fine.