GreyhoundtoNowhere Posted June 7, 2013 Posted June 7, 2013 it's funny... the ending to this 'chapter' of my life ended in a way i never saw coming, but it was fitting. it was, i see now.. the best thing to happen to me. this may be long... but it's all of it. and the last he'll ever get of my time. if you know my story at all... my A went on for a year and half. in that time, i separated from my husband, got a divorce and was the single, sad, OW who would drop everything for this man who was much older than me with kids. and we work together. as of late, i'd been pulling back-- i posted a month ago that i met a new, single guy and i was ready to let go of MM.... and I told MM and even told new guy about the situation. MM and I were still texting a little, and he was still confessing his love and not ready to let go. but we hadn't "seen each other alone" in over 3 weeks. so, a ...few days ago I'm with the cop and one of my bosses in his office. they are watching 'video' from the cameras in the halls. i asked casually what they were looking for. the cop jokingly said 'two people doing it' then I asked who, of course. and my MM walks by on the camera. and he says "there's one" and my stomach dropped. Then this other pretty girl whose a little older than me walks by and he said she was the other one. My stomach dropped and I asked why he thought that something was going on. He said "one of our cops caught the two of them having sex in a car at the park last week." in that moment-- my entire body started shaking. i felt like i couldnt breathe and tried to play it off. i asked if it was for sure them- he said yeah, that he saw the IDs. then I sat there and watched them watch more video and saw the two of them interact and flirt. saw him do every single thing exactly the way he did it with me a year ago. and i had a moment of shock. then an "of course" feeling. i made sure it was guaranteed. i walked down to where he was, looked right in his eyes and said "I know about you and * in the park. I hate you. Don't ever speak to me again." he looked shocked and angry. then said "that wasnt me" as I walked away. Ha. but our boss was told, too. he's supposed to be leaving soon anyway- so it may not matter. he messaged me that night saying it wasn't fair that i accused him. that it wasn't true. that he went with her to smoke after school. (what are you, 15 years old?). then went on to say how mad he was about the rumors. that he hoped one day i'd let him explain. he then said sorry something small turned into a big deal. that he was sorry for betraying my trust. he understood if i didnt want to associate with him anymore, but he'd be sad. i said nothing. i acted like he didn't exist yesterday. i only have two more days left of the year where i'll have to see him. when i left work yesterday, the girl was in the office with my boss. and i was so very thankful that it wasn't me. cause it could have easily been. i've never felt the emotion i felt that night though- a year and a half. really? then i thought about his wife (yes, now i thought about her in a different light. it's not right and i can't explain it.) but to think you're an "exception" to a rule. that maybe he really isn't happy, maybe he really does love me? he's just doing what he needs to. but this man. this man is awful. (i know i am for my part, but at least my feelings were genuine). How can you put on a show for that long? Turns out this girl just recently separated from her husband. He's good at that. I can't even think of him the same way. It's unreal just how much people can lie. And I know... if he could do it to his wife-- what makes me different? I see now that nothing did. Oddly enough-- as heartbroken as I thought I'd feel-- the next day... i honest to God felt relief. No more lying to myself and indirectly others about the person I am. No more feeling guilty, lost, and confused. No more feeling not good enough to be first. It's done. And I'm so glad that I was able to see him for who he really is, instead of always looking back thinking how much I loved him and what a great man he was. For those in it with an MM-- I know they aren't all terrible people. They aren't all also cheating on you (as an OW)... but I swear to God I never in a million years thought mine could. Not just because of how he said he felt about me, but because of things like not having enough time and be able to fit in another woman. but boy was I fooled. Thank you so much to everyone on here for all the advice over the last year and a half. 6
loredo21 Posted June 7, 2013 Posted June 7, 2013 OHMIGOSH! Greyhound, that story gave ME such a reaction. I noticed my heart racing and I was breathing all heavy. I can't imagine actually living it. You are way stronger than I would have been, and I think you are Right that everything that played out was meant to play out that way. What a big piece of SCUM he is. You deserve so much better. Take time for you and figure out what you want out of life. Don't even give him the satisfaction of ANY more contact with you. Don't even look his way. idiot. (((GTN)))
veryhappy Posted June 7, 2013 Posted June 7, 2013 Isn't he precious? "Oh, baby, it's all a misunderstanding..." That's closure in case you were hoping for it. He's not worth a second thought. 2
grassisorisntgreener Posted June 7, 2013 Posted June 7, 2013 My heart sank for you. I am so sorry you are going through this.
drr6 Posted June 7, 2013 Posted June 7, 2013 Whatever... From the basics here, you are not morally superior to him. You broke up your marriage (otherwise good?) for a silly Eat, Pray, Love fantasy? Give me a break with the "poor victim you, he is such as scumbag" sentiment. Take your lumps, and move on. 2
DelusionalOne Posted June 7, 2013 Posted June 7, 2013 Those punches in the gut suck but they really are a wake up call aren't they? I'm sorry you feel so awful, but I'm glad you can move on from this now... Older and wiser and on to bigger and better. As a side note: did you ever want to say to someone, "who are you?" "Where did you come from?" And "can you please go back and stay there?" 2
drr6 Posted June 7, 2013 Posted June 7, 2013 As a side note: did you ever want to say to someone, "who are you?" "Where did you come from?" And "can you please go back and stay there?" If you are referring to me, thanks for the welcome. I'm here to learn from and participate in honest discussions. I'm against gratuitous online abuse but I don't care for PC sugar coating either. If I missed something here, feel free to educate me. Cheers. 1
veryhappy Posted June 7, 2013 Posted June 7, 2013 I'm here to learn from and participate in honest discussions. Is there a purpose to the learning, or is it just entertaiment and pure desire for additional knowledge on affairs with no real world connection for you? Don't worry about us, we're used to users like you, all too eager to let us know how impure and horrible we are. It's just that my first reaction to your message was to wonder if your blood sugar was too low. Cheers. 5
drr6 Posted June 7, 2013 Posted June 7, 2013 Is there a purpose to the learning, or is it just entertaiment and pure desire for additional knowledge on affairs with no real world connection for you? Don't worry about us, we're used to users like you, all too eager to let us know how impure and horrible we are. It's just that my first reaction to your message was to wonder if your blood sugar was too low. Cheers. What? I'm guessing maybe you are all friends and maybe there are some back story details that I don't know. If you want to support your friend, that's great. On the other hand, this is a forum for honest discussion. From what I read, she threw away her own marriage to engage in an affair. Moreover she had an affair with someone who was also married. So that's two marriages and families down the drain. The crux of the post is that she is upset that the married goofball is banging somebody else after dragging out an affair for nearly 2 years. And this is a surprise how? Furthermore, what exactly makes her morally blameless compared to the married man? It's one thing to be supportive of a friend. But I disagreed with the sentiment that only he was to blame. In a thread with a title about seeing the truth, what exactly is the objection to an honest evaluation that invokes personal responsibility? Seriously, where are you getting your comments from? I'm enjoying her misfortune?? I must be a user?? I think you are all impure and horrible?? What?? 1
loredo21 Posted June 7, 2013 Posted June 7, 2013 Whatever... From the basics here, you are not morally superior to him. You broke up your marriage (otherwise good?) for a silly Eat, Pray, Love fantasy? Give me a break with the "poor victim you, he is such as scumbag" sentiment. Take your lumps, and move on. bitter much? a little empathy would be nice from BOTH sides. 1
Praying4Peace Posted June 8, 2013 Posted June 8, 2013 What? I'm guessing maybe you are all friends and maybe there are some back story details that I don't know. If you want to support your friend, that's great. On the other hand, this is a forum for honest discussion. From what I read, she threw away her own marriage to engage in an affair. Moreover she had an affair with someone who was also married. So that's two marriages and families down the drain. The crux of the post is that she is upset that the married goofball is banging somebody else after dragging out an affair for nearly 2 years. And this is a surprise how? Furthermore, what exactly makes her morally blameless compared to the married man? It's one thing to be supportive of a friend. But I disagreed with the sentiment that only he was to blame. In a thread with a title about seeing the truth, what exactly is the objection to an honest evaluation that invokes personal responsibility? Seriously, where are you getting your comments from? I'm enjoying her misfortune?? I must be a user?? I think you are all impure and horrible?? What?? Drrs- It's hard to understand unless you've been in this messed up situation. That's why we are here to get support from people who empathize rather than sympathize. As for being 'friends'- I usually try and read people's older threads to get an idea of the whole story and that leads me to provide a more well thought out response. You don't know her whole story so perhaps we seem too 'nice'. Empathy plus the full story = support. But your comments are helpful too. It's good to see all views.
drr6 Posted June 8, 2013 Posted June 8, 2013 I acknowledge that my first post was blunt or flippant. The points raised seemed obvious at the time. Since then I have tried to be empathetic to a possible backstory, your group dynamic, etc. I replied in a civil manner after realizing that I got your hackles up initially. You know, that happens some times, specially online. And then people try to discuss their differences. The rudeness and illogic of your ad hominem attacks are one thing. But the truly remarkable thing is your conviction of moral superiority despite your behavior. Is self-righteousness a group thing among you? Cling to whatever beliefs you like. I am interested in logical discussion. Obviously this is not the place for it. 3
drr6 Posted June 8, 2013 Posted June 8, 2013 Thank you. I just saw your reply and appreciate your attempt at dialogue. Drrs- It's hard to understand unless you've been in this messed up situation. That's why we are here to get support from people who empathize rather than sympathize. As for being 'friends'- I usually try and read people's older threads to get an idea of the whole story and that leads me to provide a more well thought out response. You don't know her whole story so perhaps we seem too 'nice'. Empathy plus the full story = support. But your comments are helpful too. It's good to see all views.
whichwayisup Posted June 8, 2013 Posted June 8, 2013 And I know... if he could do it to his wife-- what makes me different? I see now that nothing did. This ^^ right here, is something ALL OW should take notice to. If a man can do this to his wife, (lie, cheat, betray her, omit truths, gaslight, deny, hide) the woman he said vows to in front of family and friends, the woman he fell in love with, the woman who carried his children, gave birth to them, then you (general you) need to really think and consider this. He treats her like crap, talks behind her back, minimizes their marriage etc..etc, he can do it to you (general you) as well. Don't fool yourselves!! Grey, you'll be fine. And glad to hear you feel a weight lifted and relief. You are free now! Don't waste one minute on him in your thoughts, let alone ANY tears. He's pathetic and a liar. 8
loredo21 Posted June 8, 2013 Posted June 8, 2013 it's a heavy mix of country, hymns, and hardcore gangsta rap. 2
Pierre Posted June 8, 2013 Posted June 8, 2013 What? I'm guessing maybe you are all friends and maybe there are some back story details that I don't know. If you want to support your friend, that's great. On the other hand, this is a forum for honest discussion. From what I read, she threw away her own marriage to engage in an affair. Moreover she had an affair with someone who was also married. So that's two marriages and families down the drain. The crux of the post is that she is upset that the married goofball is banging somebody else after dragging out an affair for nearly 2 years. And this is a surprise how? Furthermore, what exactly makes her morally blameless compared to the married man? It's one thing to be supportive of a friend. But I disagreed with the sentiment that only he was to blame. In a thread with a title about seeing the truth, what exactly is the objection to an honest evaluation that invokes personal responsibility? Seriously, where are you getting your comments from? I'm enjoying her misfortune?? I must be a user?? I think you are all impure and horrible?? What?? Dude: I often say unsavory things, but at least I am trying to help. Some forum members need positive support even when they are efffing up. In fact they know they are effing up and not acting in a very honorable manner. Nevertheless, they cannot free themselves from the influence of clever manipulative married OMs that prey on naive women. Within this context these women need support rather than acrimonious statements. 9
loredo21 Posted June 8, 2013 Posted June 8, 2013 Dude: I often say unsavory things, but at least I am trying to help. Some forum members need positive support even when they are efffing up. In fact they know they are effing up and not acting in a very honorable manner. Nevertheless, they cannot free themselves from the influence of clever manipulative married OMs that prey on naive women. Within this context these women need support rather than acrimonious statements. Awwww Pierre great post!
HonestNeurotic Posted June 8, 2013 Posted June 8, 2013 Sorry, but not sorry this happened to you. Because this is in effect, the best "closure" that you could ever have. Now you KNOW. But I am really really sad that you had to be hurt. People should learn to be more honest with themselves. This dude most likely believes his own lies and justification for his behaviour. He delights in thinking that he's getting away with it. For you: Promises of Tomorrow May you find someone with thoughts for you. May - peace caress your head, Love - your heart and soul, Light - a halo of brightness and clarity of mind. ~ Maderi, 1999 2
Pierre Posted June 9, 2013 Posted June 9, 2013 GreyHound: Everybody in the planet, the solar system, the Milky Way, Andromeda, the entire galaxy, and the remainder of the universe knew that your guy was a loser and pond scum. Why did it take so long for you to get there? You may need to answer the question before you proceed with your life. 3
Mount Posted June 9, 2013 Posted June 9, 2013 What does that suppose to mean? She does not know what she does not know.....She has been Affair with that loser 1 year(yes?) GreyHound: Everybody in the planet, the solar system, the Milky Way, Andromeda, the entire galaxy, and the remainder of the universe knew that your guy was a loser and pond scum. Why did it take so long for you to get there? You may need to answer the question before you proceed with your life.
Lillyfree Posted June 10, 2013 Posted June 10, 2013 i'm sorry you're in pain, and wish that you get over this mess quickly. view it as having been given a priceless gift that will help you heal faster... 1
Author GreyhoundtoNowhere Posted June 10, 2013 Author Posted June 10, 2013 What? I'm guessing maybe you are all friends and maybe there are some back story details that I don't know. If you want to support your friend, that's great. On the other hand, this is a forum for honest discussion. From what I read, she threw away her own marriage to engage in an affair. Moreover she had an affair with someone who was also married. So that's two marriages and families down the drain. The crux of the post is that she is upset that the married goofball is banging somebody else after dragging out an affair for nearly 2 years. And this is a surprise how? Furthermore, what exactly makes her morally blameless compared to the married man? It's one thing to be supportive of a friend. But I disagreed with the sentiment that only he was to blame. In a thread with a title about seeing the truth, what exactly is the objection to an honest evaluation that invokes personal responsibility? Seriously, where are you getting your comments from? I'm enjoying her misfortune?? I must be a user?? I think you are all impure and horrible?? What?? Actually, if you read back through there I talk about how I realize the part I played and never once do I claim to be innocent or ask for pity of any kind. I was sharing my story because I was once a girl who thought her situation was "different." And no, I didn't break up my marriage for him. I confessed to my H 3 months into the A and went to counseling and after a long time and a lot of trying, we both decided it was for the best to part.
Author GreyhoundtoNowhere Posted June 10, 2013 Author Posted June 10, 2013 GreyHound: Everybody in the planet, the solar system, the Milky Way, Andromeda, the entire galaxy, and the remainder of the universe knew that your guy was a loser and pond scum. Why did it take so long for you to get there? You may need to answer the question before you proceed with your life. come on Pierre... I can't get any credit from you for at least FINALLY seeing it-- even if it took a knife in the heart to see it? Because, at least I am there. I do see it. ALL of it. The "fog" has completely and utterly lifted. And, I did immediately make an appointment with my therapist that I haven't seen in a few months-- so that I can talk it through and look to the future.
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