Will the "NC" rule apply under my conditions?

[OrangeSnack]

I'm not sure if you have been following my thread but if you have then well I have to say I'm finally coming back to my old self (kinda) but there are still times when I do think about her. It has officially been a week since I have seen her but if you haven't followed my story, here is the jist of it:

 

Met a girl through a friend (her old roommate back in college) found out we have a lot in common. Hung out and our relationship got tense (REALLY TENSE) and it practically felt like we were bf/gfs but we did not establish any exclusivity or talked about it. I know she was having a busy week so I delivered some sweets to her work hoping that she would like it (keep in mind we were still talking the whole day and in our past dates, I have given her gifts before. We also have been going out for 3 weeks) Suddenly one day she calls me out of the blue crying, telling me that shes very thankful for the gifts and that shes with friends and cant really explain whats going on and that she will tell me later. I find out a day later (via text, which I initiated) that her friend had passed away and that she's dealing with it and needs to be alone. Told her that I will be there for her but at the same time I was shocked and wondering why she was pushing me away when we had such a great time together. (She really got into my heart and she has expressed to her friend that she really likes me, which I found out through my friend). But that was just my selfish self speaking and that I knew I shouldn't have been thinking like that. She needed time to grieve about her friend.

 

Overtime, I sent subtle and non responsive messages to her such as "thinking of you, have a great evening, have a good day at work etc." All of them were greeted back with a "thank you, you're so sweet." A few days go by, I initiate again and she tells me shes coming back to life. I said great lets meet up this week and we scheduled tentatively for wednesday. Come wednesday, there was nothing... She finally fb messages me and tells me that there is no way for her to contact me but she's going to pick up her phone tomorrow etc etc, she isnt feeling well and that shes dealing with it." (BS?). Told her again that if she needs anything Ill be there for her and left my number to her in case she loses her phone or something. Furthermore, I explained to her that perhaps today wasnt the day to meet up and we can work together to reschedule a better time a day next week. She responds a day later with a "thank you that was really sweet of you."

 

Anyway, here I am trying to comfort her in anyway possible but it feels like we have become more distant? So as of yesterday, I have finally begun the NC rule. (All my friends have suggested that I should have done it earlier and that she will come back to me, but I guess I kept my hopes up and that I wished I was there to comfort her on her grief).

 

I have said to myself that enough is enough. I can't keep dragging myself to the ground like this. It has been extremely EXTREMELY difficult to overcome this but today I am feeling a little better. This whole process have taught me a lot about myself, my weaknesses and my strengths. I think it's time to focus on myself and start doing the things that I am fond of instead of focusing on her.

 

Now my question to you is that do you think I am doing the right thing? Does the NC rule even apply to my circumstance, granted, it was not a relative or family loss, we aren't officially bf/gf, so she telling me that she needs to be alone is not an official breakup right? (We're just dating but really have become affectionate and bonded very well).

 

The worst thing I fear is that because I hang out with her old roommate because she's my good friend and I have a feeling she'll be wondering how we are doing, what should I say? I think I should just play it cool and not really mention too much? Hmm I dont know.

 

Lastly, let's say hypothetically 1 month passes and I don't hear from her, should I text her again to see how she's doing? Or am I being too clingy and desperate?

 

A part of me is hoping that she'll come back because she is still responding to my texts, not right away but still responsive so I know she's alive and well. Plus she's always on facebook commenting on pages and liking pages and etc (redflag? Hm maybe that's how she grieves, *shrug*)

 

Thank you for your time!

Edited June 7, 2013 by OrangeSnack

[flitzanu]

NC is not a "rule". i'm not sure what youre asking about a "rule"?

[landshark]

Give this girl space, and she MIGHT see what good you did for her. She's going through a very bad time and her emotions are going in all directions but comments on fb???? Let her grieve in her own way,if that's what she's doing... it doesn't involve you for some reason. If you break NC, you are headed for friend zone, fast...if she does call, keep it cool but listen, say nothing see where shewants to take it...oh, and one other thing, NEVER tell any girl that you're there for her when she distances herself...

[OrangeSnack]

Well you're right about that. I guess I have been reading a lot about the whole "NC" situation and it seems like it doesn't really apply to me because 1). It's generally about a breakup between two couples. (Not two that are dating and has feelings for each other)

2). She lost a friend, dont you feel that she needs to be with someone who can comfort her? She pushed me away because does she feel that I remind her of her lost friend? (Blah who knows, all these doubts and questions).

 

I don't know if that answered your question?

[OrangeSnack]

Give this girl space, and she MIGHT see what good you did for her. She's going through a very bad time and her emotions are going in all directions but comments on fb???? Let her grieve in her own way,if that's what she's doing... it doesn't involve you for some reason. If you break NC, you are headed for friend zone, fast...if she does call, keep it cool but listen, say nothing see where shewants to take it...oh, and one other thing, NEVER tell any girl that you're there for her when she distances herself...

 

Thanks. I realized that but it's too late to change that. The only hope I have is to just wait it out and I have come to accept that. Looks like NC is the way to go from now on.

[landshark]

Orange, go back and read Tara Maiden's NC manifesto because you're reading NC too narrowly or maybe you need to apply "push/pull theory. You've put yourself out there (pulled) in grand fashion; now, sit back, because she's definately pushing you away. NC gives you yourself and some perspective back. By the way, if I can speculate, this girl reeks of insincerity....

[Simon Phoenix]

NC is definitely the way you want to go. She needs space, so give it to her. Seems pretty straightforward to me.

[TaraMaiden]

NC applies to, and can adapt to any situation where two people who are emotionally involved are drifting apart/separating/getting on each other's nerves/going for one another's throats.

 

NC applies as much to you here as it would to anyone anywhere else.

 

basically, you're doing all the running, she's not reciprocating in a way you'd want/seek, so detach, so you sound like a half-starved puppy.

Distance yourself.

go NC.

Fall off her radar, and disappear.

 

Best thing, dude.

[OrangeSnack]

Orange, go back and read Tara Maiden's NC manifesto because you're reading NC too narrowly or maybe you need to apply "push/pull theory. You've put yourself out there (pulled) in grand fashion; now, sit back, because she's definately pushing you away. NC gives you yourself and some perspective back. By the way, if I can speculate, this girl reeks of insincerity....

 

Thanks landshark, I will look into it.

[landshark]

Didn't want to throw the "half starved puppy" reference out but true, Orange. Hate to say it but NC will hopefully reset your neediness quotient. When you think of contacting her remember push/pull and only put into a relationship if you're getting something out of it. Right now you have nothing. I'm going through the same thing, five weeks of NC and nothing....

[OrangeSnack]

NC applies to, and can adapt to any situation where two people who are emotionally involved are drifting apart/separating/getting on each other's nerves/going for one another's throats.

 

NC applies as much to you here as it would to anyone anywhere else.

 

basically, you're doing all the running, she's not reciprocating in a way you'd want/seek, so detach, so you sound like a half-starved puppy.

Distance yourself.

go NC.

Fall off her radar, and disappear.

 

Best thing, dude.

 

So much easier said than done. I know it works and I have done it in my past relationships but for some odd reason I always have this sense of hope and I sometimes want to know what I did wrong for her to push me away. I don't feel like I did anything wrong but sometimes in life you just want to know the answers. Sometimes I just want to drive to her work and ask her wtf is going on (and I know it's a TERRIBLE TERRIBLE thing to do and I won't do it but you have those urges sometimes. It's like a drug addiction...).

 

I guess in this kind of delicate situation, it is probably better to be left alone and just go our separate ways but I don't know why I keep having high hopes and that you know if it doesn't work out then I still want to be friends? (DAMN, why am I thinking like this lol)

 

Thanks Iron for your advice.

[TaraMaiden]

...."Iron".....?

 

Oh..

 

Right.

 

Got it.....

[TaraMaiden]

So much easier said than done....It's like a drug addiction...).

 

Yup.

 

NC = Cold Turkey for the heart.

Big time.

This is precisely what No Contact is: Cold Turkey for the heart.

 

It's coming off the addictive aspect of the relationship; expunging the noxious effect of neediness, clinging and quiet desperation.

And it hurts more than a ton-weight medicine ball to the solar plexus.

 

I guess in this kind of delicate situation, it is probably better to be left alone and just go our separate ways but I don't know why I keep having high hopes and that you know if it doesn't work out then I still want to be friends? (DAMN, why am I thinking like this lol)

 

Because all anyone wants is to be understood, appreciated and loved.

You, no more or no less than anyone else.

But when it's CLEARLY not reciprocated, there's little point in keeping on banging on the door, if nobody's going to be in any great hurry to answer it....

Edited June 7, 2013 by TaraMaiden

[landshark]

Yup.

 

NC = Cold Turkey for the heart.

Big time.

This is precisely what No Contact is: Cold Turkey for the heart.

 

It's coming off the addictive aspect of the relationship; expunging the noxious effect of neediness, clinging and quiet desperation.

And it hurts more than a ton-weight medicine ball to the solar plexus.

 

 

 

Because all anyone wants is to be understood, appreciated and loved.

You, no more or no less than anyone else.

But when it's CLEARLY not reciprocated, there's little point in keeping on banging on the door, if nobody's going to be in any great hurry to answer it....

 

This is the word, cold turkey and reciprocity...

[OrangeSnack]

...."Iron".....?

 

Oh..

 

Right.

 

Got it.....

 

I just read your manifesto. It makes sense but it's so hard sometimes i really do care for her and want to be there for her. But step 1: is to forget the good times and move on (check) 2: initiate NC (check) 3: delete everything that reminds me of her (check, just did that right now).

 

Thanks landshark for your input as well. You guys are awesome.

[landshark]

Sure thing, let us know about your journey...

[OrangeSnack]

Hi guys

 

I just wanted to update you. So last Sunday I got a text from her (after 4 days of NC) "Hi xxxx I am back! How are you?"

 

I got this message while my phone was away from me and I wasn't able to respond right away. My first initial thought was wow, should I even respond? After a few minutes of thinking and driving, I decided to text her back and I said welcome back! How was your weekend? I did not get a response from her until the very next day. She told me she had a good weekend, she went out to visit her cousin and that she has a recovery health plan. She's trying to get back to normal life and that she's sorry for all of this, she went out of her mind for a bit. I responded, there is no need to apologize and my only concern was your well being. So I started to initiate small talk and asked how her cousin was. I got no response and I decided to text her again in the evening, telling her that I hope her day went well. She responded a few hours later and told me that that she;s going back pretty soon and she knows shes trying to get back on her feet and that she never got to talk to me or anyone about it but the person who passed away was an ex boyfriend, that's why she backed off and its a little tough to go through this right now. Of course me feeling so compelled to be there with her, I told her again that she doesn't need to apologize and that im here to support her when she needs me. I tried to initiate small talks again about her work, no reply. Next day I sent her a text, wishing her a good day, no response (keep in mind, she typically responds to my texts, not right away but within a few hours), and finally yesterday I decided to text one her more time to see how she is doing, and up until now no response.

 

Well that's the update on the news front. Time to go back to NC again. Just when I forgot about her, she comes back and tells me she's back and yet she is still keeping a distance from me. She is still very normal to her friends (I know this because of social media). I am such a hopeless romantic. I feel like that half starved puppy again, crawling back to her.

 

Perhaps she needs more time. Worst thing of all (AND I REGRET THIS SO MUCH), I told her exroommate whom is my friend and she initially introduced us together and has told me frequently how we are a compatible couple and that she likes me and that she's really excited about us, about her friend being passed away. I asked told her that she is my only source of communication and that I just wanted to make sure she's safe and healthy. She also said if I wanted to go to the dog park with her on Sunday with her ex roommate and I said, well I'd love to go but only if she's comfortable with me being there. So obviously these two have been talking and BLAH, i feel so betrayed. I tried calling her yesterday and it went straight to voicemail and I left a message, no about the relationship situation but about something else completely different and she hasn't gotten back to me.

 

I am such a fool and I look so desperate. Why do I keep falling for these stupid traps? What the hell is wrong with me? At first I was confused and lost, then it led to sadness, and now anger. I think it would have been better if I kept my mouth shut and now I'm thinking because her ex roommate knows she had said something to my gal that had basically got me on ignore because this isn't normal, none of them are even responding to me. Maybe I'm just overreacting again... I don't know. BLAH.

[Simon Phoenix]

Stop contacting dude. You never send a text message right after another that's unanswered. People hate that.

[Crushedjustcrushed]

Stop contacting dude. You never send a text message right after another that's unanswered. People hate that.

 

My ex would claim that a text wouldn't get delivered all the time.

[Simon Phoenix]

My ex would claim that a text wouldn't get delivered all the time.

 

Key word being claim. It's a lot easier to say that you never got the text than it is to say that you got the text and intentionally didn't respond.

[landshark]

Oh Boy man, this post is FRAUGHT with mistakes and signs of neediness. Phoenix pointed out a basic one. Another, NEVER EVER say that you will always be there for someone who dumped you...back to NC...if you want to know some of the others...

[totallylost5040]

Orange, I know the feeling man. I definitely know that feeling, if thinking and all that, it really does suck.

 

goin through the SAME thing now, just give yourself some time, take something you've been wanting to do and do it, don't think about it, just do it, it'll give you a sense of self fulfillment and it'll make you a more confident person.

 

If you watch that video of that song with Lupe Fiasco (Battle Scars)... watch till the end....

 

"TURN OFF THE COMPUTER... GO OUT AND DO SOMETHING TO CHANGE THE WORLD. HAVE FUN"

[OrangeSnack]

Great song. It's a battle but I know in the end it is probably best to go our separate ways. I definitely began to sound like a half starved puppy again. This is no one's fault and it was never meant to be. Moving on...

[TaraMaiden]

Remember, she has never broken 'No Contact'.

 

You have.

 

Because you decided to implement it.

You activated the No Contact status.

 

She then sent you a text.

(That's basically like a JW knocking at your door.)

 

You didn't have to 'open it'.

 

You could have just left it, hanging and ignored it.

(They go away when you do that....)

 

But No.

You HAD to respond.

 

Thus - breaking No Contact.

 

SHE can't break NC, because she 's not the initiator.

 

So the way to maintain NC - is - to - quit - ever - responding!!