TaraMaiden Posted June 7, 2013 Posted June 7, 2013 Here's the thing. What has this guy done wrong, exactly? He flat out told her he only wants something casual. His behavior (and in some ways, hers) bears that out. The issue is whether that's what she wants or not. Doesn't look like it is. She got into a casual relationship with a guy she thinks she might be getting attached to. Probably best to end it if this isn't what she wants. Actually it's pretty much spot on. Hence the word "casual". No. Casual is by mutual agreement. He's being a jerk.
Author foreverpink Posted June 7, 2013 Author Posted June 7, 2013 I understand that he told me he wanted to keep it casual, but we had a lot of fun conversations before I had sex with him. I feel very disrespected that he's acting so cold now. Like I don't mean anything. Even if he doesn't treat me like the love of his life (which I'm not expecting ).. I thought he would at least be a decent human being. Also, since when is casual dating the same as booty calls? I thought that meant we would go on fun dates but that he just wasnt ready for a girlfriend right now.. i honestly didnt think he would be such a jerk.
Author foreverpink Posted June 7, 2013 Author Posted June 7, 2013 When I think casual dating, I think going on dates and getting to know each other as more than friends, and possibly seeing where things could go.. maybe I'm wrong
BluEyeL Posted June 7, 2013 Posted June 7, 2013 OP, you don't understand how dating/men work and you'll need a lot of help and going through different experiences to learn. Take this as a lesson learned. If a guy doesn't initiate contact constantly, doesn't respond to your contact promptly, doesn't ask you out properly, and doesn't treat you with the proper dosage of attention and respect, he's just looking for booty and he's bound to disappear after he gets it, or to just call when he wants sex. That's fine sometimes, if you are looking to just have some sex while looking for a relationship. But if you are not interested in one night stands, cut these guys off right away, they are a complete waste of time and emotional energy. Read some self help books on dating and lurk here on LS for a couple of months and you'll learn. Most of all, you'll learn from your mistakes. Good luck and put yourself first! 2
truth_seeker Posted June 8, 2013 Posted June 8, 2013 (edited) I met Kyle at a bar about three months ago. We exchanged numbers, but I wasn't really expecting anything out of it. Until I met Kyle, I had never gone out with a guy I'd met at the bar. <Snip> This guy is good! He is playing you perfectly! Okay, I admit what he is doing is a scumbag thing, but I got to give him kudos for working his game. Edited June 8, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 1
KatZee Posted June 8, 2013 Posted June 8, 2013 When I think casual dating, I think going on dates and getting to know each other as more than friends, and possibly seeing where things could go.. maybe I'm wrong Casual dating and moving slowly in a relationship are two entirely different things. Casual dating means no strings attached. It means hanging out for sex whenever you want, but not really taking it beyond anything superficial. Going out on legit dates, getting to know each other as more than friends and seeing where things will lead... is taking a relationship slow. This guy isn't taking you out on dates. All he's doing is calling you up to get laid. 1
Author foreverpink Posted June 8, 2013 Author Posted June 8, 2013 It's okay forever pink. Don't beat yourself up over it. He isn't a very nice guy. He probably would have acted the same way even if you waited for 2 months. He was after sex and once he got it, this was bound to happen. He is not relationship material. That is the crux of the matter. Many people had sex early and they ended up in serious relationships or even married. While I am not an advocate of early sex, you need to sometimes step back and understand the sort of person you are dealing with. He just wants casual sex and I'm not sure that playing games with him for eg playing hard to get would have changed his core desires. Next time, be more careful about the sort of men you choose to sleep with. That is the most important thing. Obviously, you should try to get to know q guy better before sleeping with him. But I maintain that the crux of the issue is you tha you slept with a guy who isn't interested in anything serious. Like many of the posters mentioned, this is typical player behaviour. He responds 3 days apart- that's ridiculous. Absolutely ridiculous. Don't contact him anymore and if/when he does, don't sleep with him. He isn't worthy of your attention. He will only drain you emotionally and take from you physically. I'm sorry you are going through this. But best to cut loose now. Thank you so much! This is just what I needed to hear. I'm not going to chase after him, and I'm not going to respond if he texts me either.
todreaminblue Posted June 8, 2013 Posted June 8, 2013 I admit that it was my mistake for sleeping with him after only 3 dates. I was just living in the moment. I just didn't want to play any games or play hard to get or anything. I guess I am still new to this dating scene, and need to work on my dating skills. forever pink, the Women on here are offering solid caring advice ....i also agree that he used you for sex......he isnt worth another text ...and i wish you all the best with a guy who is willing to treat you with respect and not con you with all your favorite ice cream flavours only when he wants to bed you.........hugs...deb 2
Author foreverpink Posted June 8, 2013 Author Posted June 8, 2013 There is no problem with that - but you can't second guess a guy's motives when you present yourself to him that way. Trust me - I learned this one the hard way as well. I ALWAYS had sex early on and it took me 20-some years to learn that the dating etiquette works differently if you truly want the guy to stick around for bit. They might SAY it isn't true, but -- trust us girls -- it is... If you like a guy, you need to hold out before sex to see if they are worthy of sticking around or not. I like him and he told me he liked me, so I didn't see a reason for playing hard to get. I wasn't expecting him to fall in love with me just because I slept with him. However, I thought we were having a good time so I didn't expect a change in his behavior. I guess all I can do now is move on.
Author foreverpink Posted June 8, 2013 Author Posted June 8, 2013 forever pink, the Women on here are offering solid caring advice ....i also agree that he used you for sex......he isnt worth another text ...and i wish you all the best with a guy who is willing to treat you with respect and not con you with all your favorite ice cream flavours only when he wants to bed you.........hugs...deb He took me out on dates, and he did some cute things. Even his text messages were fun and flirty. I didn't see this coming. I'm disappointed because it took a lot out of me to get back into dating. It saddens me that he just cut me out like that. Anyway, thank you all for the answers. It sucks, but I'll take this as a learning experience. 1
todreaminblue Posted June 8, 2013 Posted June 8, 2013 He took me out on dates, and he did some cute things. Even his text messages were fun and flirty. I didn't see this coming. I'm disappointed because it took a lot out of me to get back into dating. It saddens me that he just cut me out like that. Anyway, thank you all for the answers. It sucks, but I'll take this as a learning experience. yeah it does suck that they do cute things and you just dont know if it is for real....or just a tactic...so the best defence in my opinion is go tactical and on the offence in future to avoid this...remove the object that is in question...which is sex...until you are really sure of his motivation and you feel you know him well enough to be in a relationship with him...if he acts weird...definitely dont do it...if he confuses you dont do it..if he chops and changes and plays games....run..look for consistent good things that he does not only for you but for others......with no personal gain on his part.......not good one day rotten the next........if you want it too last and find a longer lasting relationship...guys who really like you...they ARE willing to wait in fact ...they respect you and your body if they truly care and wouldnt want you to be concerned abtou their motivation.....they also stay in contact..........you deserve to be happy.....i wish you that happiness.....deb 1
Buttercup84 Posted June 8, 2013 Posted June 8, 2013 I was in an abusive relationship for three years. I am just getting back in the dating game after a year and a half of being single. Kyle told me we were casual, so that is why I didn't question him when we saw each other every few weeks. It's after the sex that he stopped texting me as much. I guess I should have mentioned that since the sex, I am the one who initiated contact. He didn't really text me back, but he showed up at my work instead. I thought that was his way of redeeming himself. I had sex with him because the moment was right. I don't know.. I should have waited, I guess. You guys are probably right. Even for casual dating, his behavior doesn't seem right. I am not going to text him or call him anymore. It's better I stop now before I get attached. It just sucks that I am finally starting to trust men, and this happened... So sorry. I was in a very bad relationship and dating is hard. I fell for men like you and now I am learning to read signs, and not ignore them. 1
Buttercup84 Posted June 8, 2013 Posted June 8, 2013 He took me out on dates, and he did some cute things. Even his text messages were fun and flirty. I didn't see this coming. I'm disappointed because it took a lot out of me to get back into dating. It saddens me that he just cut me out like that. Anyway, thank you all for the answers. It sucks, but I'll take this as a learning experience. Go and get yourself some froyo and do something fun. You will feel better soon. I was so upset after this guy that I liked, just lost interest.He was doing cute things too and we got on so well. Good riddance ! Just ignore him from now on, respect yourself and you will meet the right man. 1
Author foreverpink Posted June 8, 2013 Author Posted June 8, 2013 Thanks for all the answers! His behavior used to make no sense to me, but now it does. I just thought he was making mistakes and that everybody deserves benefit of the doubt. Guess I was wrong. He's not bad, in fact, he's too good at playing games. Now that I've finally started getting back in the field, I need to start learning the rules of the game. Thanks again! 1
BluEyeL Posted June 8, 2013 Posted June 8, 2013 Thanks for all the answers! His behavior used to make no sense to me, but now it does. I just thought he was making mistakes and that everybody deserves benefit of the doubt. Guess I was wrong. He's not bad, in fact, he's too good at playing games. Now that I've finally started getting back in the field, I need to start learning the rules of the game. Thanks again! Good luck! This is just one of the experiences that will prepare you for finding a good man for you. 2
salparadise Posted June 8, 2013 Posted June 8, 2013 Guess I was wrong. He's not bad, in fact, he's too good at playing games. Now that I've finally started getting back in the field, I need to start learning the rules of the game. Learn to recognize the games, but not to play them. Be authentic, know who you are, where your boundaries are and how to communicate them without an awkward conversation. Figure out who the person is before investing in him. 1
Mme. Chaucer Posted June 8, 2013 Posted June 8, 2013 Casual dating is the same as booty calls when sex is involved. If all's fair, you can contact him when you want sex; it's not just a one way thing. He's rude for not responding to your texts, but the time for fun texting probably passed once you had sex - especially since he was clearly trying to avoid "clinging." Not to say that you were clingy but since sex happened, he'll naturally be more on guard for potentially entering into the unwanted "relationship" zone. Which is where the fun texting back and forth and a sexual connection tend to intersect.
Cutiepie1976 Posted June 8, 2013 Posted June 8, 2013 Sorry you were hurt, but the BIG lesson here is learning to pick a good guy. That's how you avoid many bad relationships and outcomes such as this. You don't overlook bad behavior, poor treatment, and inconsiderate nonsense because of erratically sent flirty, fun texts. Learn to expect more for yourself than the five seconds it took him to text you. For a long laundry list of reasons, I also feel that women who jump into bed early when they want a relationship (non-serious or serious) do themselves a huge disservice. But some get self-righteous and indignant about their sexual freedom, etc. so, if you're in that camp, have at it and figure that one out on your own. Now to the specifics... He took me out on dates, and he did some cute things. Even his text messages were fun and flirty. I didn't see this coming. I'm disappointed because it took a lot out of me to get back into dating. It saddens me that he just cut me out like that. Anyway, thank you all for the answers. It sucks, but I'll take this as a learning experience. Was he taking you on dates (plural)? I was surprised by your assertion. Perhaps I missed something, but in the OP, he didn't take you out on a "date" until you walked away and told him to have a nice life. Until then it was a month of him texting every three days. That was clue#1. If a guy is truly interested in dating you, he will date you. Not carry on for a month with this nonsense of three-day silences and ignoring you, while you attempt to engage him and progress things. Totally irrelevant how flirty, fun, charming, cute, or blah blah blah when he finally gets around to responding. He has no real interest in dating you, hence the ignoring, the complete disinterest in setting up an actual date, and the lack of dates. A waste of a month that would have been better spent chatting and DATING another guy who treats you with a modicum of respect, wants to date...and wants to date you. Mistake#1 was not walking away when he ignored you erratically and no date was proposed. Now to the "date," or as it was more aptly called by another poster, debacle. He asks you for your preferences, then pointedly proceeds to buy something that is anything but what you wanted...and to eat it all himself! How was this fun? How is such rudeness and utter lack of consideration something you would want to repeat? Watching him eat a cheap treat after his selfish, disrespectful treatment is not a date. It's many things, but for most, that's not a date. Especially on a first date, guys (and women) are trying to put their best foot forward while sharing in some activity. Is that what you got? And if you truly believe that's his best behavior, why would it be acceptable, let alone desirable of a repeat? Mistake #2 was trying (...and trying harder) after that debacle. You should have walked away. Now you say you enjoyed fun dates (plural) with him, but there are none in your description other than possibly that fro-yo mess where you were invited to tag along and watch him eat a snack. To be clear, ignoring you then calling you to come have sex with him is most definitely not a date, no matter how flirty or fun or cute. That's quite obviously nothing more than a booty call...no strings attached sex on demand. He called. You came and had sex with him. There should be no expectations beyond the fun romp that time. Fun, flirty, and cute in that context is foreplay, not an unspoken promise to take you on a date afterwards. He'll contact you again IF and when it suits him for another booty call. Until then silence and being ignored. Mistake#3 was expecting so little for yourself that you were grateful to get a text after being roundly ignored for three days for weeks on end or to watch him eat his fro-yo as a "date." That you didn't think you deserved better. (If you did, you would have been long gone with that level of ridiculousness.) He told you exactly who he was and how he would behave and treat you from the very beginning. He has been nothing but consistent. You got a very clear pattern of being ignored and not going out on dates from the very outset. But, because he was fun and flirty and cute whenever he finally deigned to contact you, you overlooked, persisted, and persevered for weeks on end. Now, it's been three months of this cr*p. There are really great guys out there. Thoughtful, considerate guys who will want to have fun dates with you. There is absolutely no reason to deal with someone like this unless you want nothing more than a ONS. By the second three-day delayed text, I would have ignored him and moved on to better prospects. He's told me enough at that point. Good luck finding what you want. He's out there, but you must pay attention to the right cues, rather than getting distracted by the superfluous that has nothing to do with intent. Until you do, guys like him will be happy to hit it and quit it, or pump and dump you. You made a bad choice. It's a learning experience. Moving forward, it's up to you to select better guys who respect you and want the same things you do, if you wish to avoid repeating your history. 3
Author foreverpink Posted June 9, 2013 Author Posted June 9, 2013 Sorry you were hurt, but the BIG lesson here is learning to pick a good guy. That's how you avoid many bad relationships and outcomes such as this. You don't overlook bad behavior, poor treatment, and inconsiderate nonsense because of erratically sent flirty, fun texts. Learn to expect more for yourself than the five seconds it took him to text you. Now to the specifics... As I stated earlier, his texting behavior annoyed me so I did tell him to have a nice life. Then, he asked me out so I decided to give him a chance. After the whole fro-yo "debacle", I did choose to not see him anymore. But, then he insisted on meeting. Once again, I decided to give him a chance and when he surprised me and showed up with a fro-yo for me.. I thought that he was redeeming himself. It's not because he spent five bucks on me, but it's the thought that counts. At the time, I thought it was cute that he remembered what flavors I like and that he realized his mistake. Then, he cooked a meal for me. He even called it a date. He did all the cooking, and he was telling me about how his parents and him don't get along, etc. I was glad that he was opening up to me. I had sex with him because the moment felt right. That's all I have to say about that. He didn't text me after that night, so I decided that was it. Then, ten days later he surprises me and shows up at my work place. Once again, I figured he was redeeming himself. I know all this sounds stupid, and I did ignore the signs. Honestly, my last relationship was an abusive one and it lasted about three years. I was so used to being treated like crap by him that now it's hard for me to pick on red flags like these ones. I only look for signs of aggression or possessiveness now, for example. It's taken me a year and a half to finally start dating, so I was just really excited and that blurred my judgment. This was a big step for me.
Author foreverpink Posted June 9, 2013 Author Posted June 9, 2013 I don't think he's going to be texting me, but if he does.. I am not going back. After walking away from my last relationship, I have worked really hard on myself and my self-esteem. I am not going to let scumbags like him make me feel this way. It seems I still have a lot to learn when it comes to dating. I am glad I signed up on this forum. I am definitely going to be sticking around Some really lovely advisors on here! 1
Leigh 87 Posted June 9, 2013 Posted June 9, 2013 Hey, thousands of girls come on here and ask the same question as you: he went on 3 dates with me, but now he only calls when he wants sex. What is going on?" It is really obvious to people on the outside looking in at your situation. For you, though, it is hard to believe that a guy who you get along really well with, could not want you for more than sex? Here is something about men I have learnt! ................Guys can really spend time and effort talking to you, without wanting to seriously date you. In fact, a guy can only want a girl for sex, and yet still like her as a person and be nice to her and make it feel like you have a "really good connection". It is better that they are this way, though; they would rather wait for the right girl to enter into a relationship with, rather then leading you on just for sex. This guy has not lead you on. You saw him buying you frozen yoghurt and spending a little time with you, as him being into you. Him not texting you regularly, and not setting up dates to see you at least once per week (with no sex involved!) showed you that he was just not that into you. That does not mean he does not like you as a person, he just did not see you as someone he wanted a relationship with. He probably thought you were fine with the arrangement, since you never protested. Next time, you sound like the type of girl who prefers to be dating a guy who is really interested in you, before having sex. You do not sound like you enjoy casual sex with a guy who is not that interested in dating you. This was a valuable lesson! Most of us make the same mistakes you do, before we learn to recognise a guy who just wants sex and is not interested in actually dating us. Really, be glad you learnt this lesson relatively pain free! Imagine the girls out there who get strung along for MONTHS with a guy who only wants her for sex:sick: Some guys even make more of an effort than your guy did! I hear about girls all the time on here who had guys that fully lead them on and texted and called them regularly, arranged to see them every week, only to just use them for sex with no intention of getting serious. You're lucky to be able to walk away now. Just make sure that the next guy is more obviously invested in getting to know YOU rather than just wanting sex. Come on here if you have to! We will try to guide you in the right direction lol!
Author foreverpink Posted June 9, 2013 Author Posted June 9, 2013 (edited) I don't know.. it's just hard for me to understand. Every time we hung out, he called it a "date." He even told me that he liked me. When he texted me every 3 days, I figured he was trying to play it cool which I thought was ridiculous. But I didn't want to ask him why he did that because that would make me look desperate. Now I remember, I did ask him up front about why he texted me for a month after he got my number but didn't ask me out right away. He told me that he believes in fate... I thought that he was joking, but he told me that the universe should be the one to bring us together... Even when he came to surprise me at work, he told me that it was fate that he didn't show up on my day off or something. That we were meant to meet that day... I don't know haha... weird.. Anyway, it doesn't matter what excuses I come up with and what stories I tell myself. I was too forgiving and stupid when it came to dealing with him, and it seems I got played. He just found me physically attractive.. as someone he could check off on his to-do list. He got what he wanted.. it's over. I am upset, but it is good that this didn't last too long. I am just going to keep myself busy, and try to not think about the "why" Edited June 9, 2013 by foreverpink
bolase Posted June 9, 2013 Posted June 9, 2013 (edited) Hey forever pink, chin up girl. I have been there - after my first long term boyfriend and I broke up, I "dated" an older man (10yrs) for a couple of months. We also worked together and trained together and did lots of cute things but I always knew he didn't want a relationship; he told me upfront. This man even said he was excited about maybe being more (after we had sex), then went away for a week and didn't contact me...such an awful feeling. I yelled at him when he came home. We fought then 5 yrs later we are friends again, and I have grown up a lot (I don't think he has, though ). A major part for me was learning after this to really look in someones eyes especially when getting to know them. not just 'cause that's confidence and better communication but because it shows them you will see them as they really are...mean business..don't be fooled...and let them know you won't be fooled...if that makes sense. When a guy really likes you wild horses will not stop him from contacting you. Edited June 9, 2013 by bolase typo 1
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