First Post. Hi! I'm sorry, I have nowhere else to turn to...

[crownofthorns]

I'll start by saying I'm a 30 year old woman, divorced with a child. Had a very bad relationship with my ex, who was a coke addict and who remained unemployed throughout our marriage and who I left once my patience ran out. A couple of years after I separated I met this guy, who I believe is a wonderful man. He's hard-working, he's divorced and has three children from previous marriages. I love him to death. We've had our ups and downs throughout our relationship, but it seems everytime I feel like we're finally becoming stable something happens to him, like he boycotts the relationship. It's been three and a half years, almost four, and now, after I got approved for a mortgage, we were planning on getting our families together (he has custody of his children and they get along great with my little girl). Only thing we're waiting for is our divorce to be final, which should happen anytime now since it's in the judge's hands (justice is really slow in my country and I've been trying to get divorced for over six years now).

A couple of months ago, however, while he was on a business trip and I was in charge of the kids, I had an accident. Had three big liver hematomas and internal bleeding, my liver was compromised and my life was in danger so I ended up at the ICU. I was lucky enough to avoid surgery and was moved to a regular room after four days and a week later I was released home. In that time he behaved like a prince, just perfect, took everything on and I was shocked and very pleasently surprised by his attitude. At home I was told to not do any heavy work and I'm not allowed to work and certain other things. However, slowly since I've come home his attitude has changed. He's gone from being the perfect man to just complaining about everything and blaming everything on me (if a little piece of paper is lost, if I don't get paid at my job - which they're supposed to do, if the doctor takes a while to give me an appointment). He's always been obsessed with the fact that I'm generally a bit messy and not the cleanest girl in the world, and he has an OCD about that (although his place isn't perfect either, it's rather clean for a guy). He started out by saying I should work out on my stationary bike, but the doctor had said I shouldn't do any exercise, so I asked him. The doctor said I could do a little bit of a workout only on the stationary bike but not intense at all. So I did. I've been working on my "cleaning" problem for a while now, and I have now been cleaner than ever. I wouldn't say my house is absolutely spotless, but it's always swept, mopped, furniture's shining, everything's in its place, dishes are always clean, beds are always made). Still, his attitude, instead of getting better, has gotten worse.

Just today I was cleaning and scrubbing and he came out and complained about the little cup where we put the toothbrushes on the toilet not being clean. I said I hadn't noticed and cleaned it up immediately. Then we were kidding about sports (we are fans of opposite teams and his is not doing well at all, so I said maybe he's been grumpy because of it, since he's a huge fan, a former athlete and it's very important to him, and told him I understood). Then he went crazy... I told him I was just kidding and he was like "you know how cleanliness and order are crucial in our relationship, if these things don't change we are not going to work out). I showed him I was working on it, I said "Just look! Everything's cleaner than ever! I'm working as hard as I can, I'm making an effort, don't you notice that?". And he said "move that thing" and showed me a little corner where a bit of dirt had gathered. I told him I knew it wasn't perfect, and there was room for improvement but that I'm trying as hard as I can to make it as perfect as possible, but he said that he doesn't see it. Then I scrubbed that little corner and he came over and said "that's not how you clean it..." and proceeded to give me instructions on how to scrub.

A couple of days ago I had already asked him "do you still love me? you've been so distant lately", trying to get the conversation going, but he just got mad and the next day told me he had thought of leaving me just for making that comment and that I had nothing on him because he took such good care of me when I was in the hospital and the first days after I was released; and that I'm crazy and that's not working out for him.

Also, my college was kind enough to let me into a special programme so that I don't have to attend classes, and I'm supposed to be studying but yesterday I spent all day cleaning and scrubbing just to make him happy, and he was enraged when after a while a cracked tooth in my mouth gave me a hard time - or at least that's what some people say, although my dentist mentioned that if after we pull it out it continues, that I should see a neurologist because the pain I describe fits perfectly with trigeminal neuralgia - like stabbing electrick shocks that bring me to my knees, in adition to my liver hurting and nausea every now and then from the accident. And in the end, I spend all day trying to get the house together, taking care of the kids and then there's no time left to study.

I'm just so frustrated and in tears now, I don't understand... why is he being so mean and uncaring, when he was a prince just a month ago? Why is he treating me like these when we have so many plans going? Just a few minutes after he came up with this argument about cleanliness he had just talked to the real estate agent who's selling us the house, so it doesn't seem like his plans are changing, but... I just can't seem to make him happy anymore, and I don't understand what I did wrong, or what's changed...

I'm really sorry for the long post, specially when it's the first one, but I can't talk to anybody. My family loves him, specially after the hospital, and since he's a hard worker and believe to be sort of "an upgrade" from my ex (which of course he is, but that's a very low standard to go by), my friends are not the kind that you can talk about relationships with. I feel lonely, frustrated and just plain sad. I know it's wrong, and I've repressed these feelings, but I've found myself thinking it might have been better if I had just died at that accident, maybe I should have let myself die. And then I feel guilty about feeling that, and stupid, but I do feel that in moments like these.

Thank you for reading... needed to get it out of my system. If you have any advise, I welcome it, but just writing it out I guess helps a little bit as well, so it's ok if you don't as well.

[TaraMaiden]

Ugh.

 

I'm sorry, any man that makes you feel compromised to the extent that you try to please him - at the expense and sacrifice of your own personal well-being and health - is ebing unfair, unreasonable and contreolling.

THis is not a situation you need to be making up for.

 

*Important News Flash:*

 

Some women are not natural-born 'housewives/home-makers.

 

I am one such woman.

I know for a fact another wonderful poster, here, isn't either (dreamingoftigers).

 

For him to insist you conform to his level of acceptability in housekeeping, is a damn bloody cheek.

 

For him to insist you conform to his level of acceptability in housekeeping - while you are safeguarding and looking after your health - is totally unacceptable.

 

Really, you need to ditch this guy, or stand up to him.

 

If you do not resist his bullying ways - and he IS being a bully - then he will simply get worse.

[TaraMaiden]

Oh, and -

 

Do NOT under any circumstances whgatsoever, agree to buy a house with this man.

 

Or the shackles will be on, good and proper.

 

He sounds like a controlling bully.

Sweetness and light one moment, then mean and cold-hearted the next.

 

Don't sign ANYTHING!!

 

And for chrissakes, tell someone in your family what is happening!

 

You need help, kindness, consideration and support - not bludgeoning and criticism on a constant basis!!

 

You have done nothing wrong!!

And trying to please him, will never, ever work!!

[dreamingoftigers]

OKay.

 

Hey there. I have one that gets anal and fights the way that's yours does.

 

You've got a few dynamics going on here.

 

1. He's the sh*ts at handling long-term stress. He's pretty clearly handing that down to you. He's attacking the person, not the problem or the issue.

 

2. He's screaming for validation and you're screaming back for validation. When one doesn't validate the other, the other one gets defensive or attacks the other one.

 

i.e.: You're not clean!

 

Response A (agressive): You're not exactly Molly Maid either!

Response B (defensive): I'm making a huge effort around here! I clean as much as I can!

 

Both parties stink at this evidently (see that's what an attack looks like).

 

I actually DON'T think this is a brutal thing to fix as it's a pretty common pattern among couples (believe it for not). It's also really immature and out of hand though.

 

How do I know that it's immature? I just got in a swearing match this morning for the first time in awhile. Well, it's not funny but at least we came to terms with it and managed to connect afterward. Sometimes the pattern creeps up and takes over before you even realize it.

 

But left unchecked will undermine and destroy your relationship.

 

Gottman's Seven Principle's For Making Marriage Work is a great resource. Try not to read it as a "here's a list of everything he is doing wrong." Try to read it to eliminate your own defensiveness (Don't hear that I am saying just to let him steamroll you). Also to take stock in where you are at.

 

Gottman's Relationship Cure might be a real help as well.

 

The best one for a general understanding of how frameworks like these get set up over time is How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It.

 

I think that the Seven Principles is the best. Jeepers, even the first three chapters of it would do 70% of the outlining.

 

Now with his cleanliness issue, he has to be less picky about what's "going wrong" and more about " what he would like to see and what he's willing to put in to get it." You aren't going to be able to sit him down for a seminar on "requesting and negotiating things like an adult" without really insulting him. BUT some of the books give ideas for modelling etc. what you need. Once you lead by defusing a lot of the conflict or at least not responding in a way that makes passive-aggressive men explode, you can probably start to chunk away at more of the issues that need to be sorted before proceeding in the relationship.

 

Now I don't think he is necessarily a "bad" guy BUT if he's lighting up this dynamic after 2+ marriages have failed, I can't tell you exactly why they did. Answer is in bold.

 

Sorry if I sound snarky and rather hypocritical in my post. I'm still slightly pissed at my own H. It happens. It will always happen at some point but the Ratio of it happening has to be low enough so the rest of the relationship makes up for it. Or makes it look like an aberration.

[Roadkill007]

He's projecting his issues here... When someone's that controlling and super defensive, it's usually that person deflecting his own feelings onto others. One thing I'm getting here is that either he has trust issues or he's feeling guilty for something. Also, some part of his life, present or past, is making him feel an abnormal amount of need to feel in control. The trust issue or the guilty feeling is preventing him from communicating with you. Whatever he's feeling like he's unable to control, is what's driving his obsession with cleanliness with you, I think.

 

Anyways, if you get back to this post, I'm wondering what other examples of "We've had our ups and downs throughout our relationship, but it seems everytime I feel like we're finally becoming stable something happens to him, like he boycotts the relationship" might be. Perhaps this incident might be what you're most lingering on, but for him, the central issue might be another event.

[dreamingoftigers]

He's projecting his issues here... When someone's that controlling and super defensive, it's usually that person deflecting his own feelings onto others. One thing I'm getting here is that either he has trust issues or he's feeling guilty for something. Also, some part of his life, present or past, is making him feel an abnormal amount of need to feel in control. The trust issue or the guilty feeling is preventing him from communicating with you. Whatever he's feeling like he's unable to control, is what's driving his obsession with cleanliness with you, I think.

 

Anyways, if you get back to this post, I'm wondering what other examples of "We've had our ups and downs throughout our relationship, but it seems everytime I feel like we're finally becoming stable something happens to him, like he boycotts the relationship" might be. Perhaps this incident might be what you're most lingering on, but for him, the central issue might be another event.

 

After two divorces, yeah, he's going to have issues. Unless he's moved heaven and earth to work on himself.

[crownofthorns]

First of all, I want to thank you all for taking the time to read my long post and to come up with a reply for it.

Someone mentioned trust issues and hit right on the nail, ever since his childhood he's been groomed to have trust issues, his mother stealing from him (I was even a witness to that!) and saying terrible things about people behind their backs, his father was a womaniser who kept cheating on his mother, everyone's always plotting against someone in his family. He has serious trust issues, so yeah, that's one thing for sure. Someone mentioned his previous relationship experience, and none have been healthy relationships, the mother of his little girls is a coke addict (we've sort of bonded a bit on that experience of being with someone with that problem) and that's why he has custody of them, the other one he's told me some things but I'm not quite sure how to take them because I've only met her briefly, and he said he had cheated on her.

With our "ups and downs" I mean that we've had had problems like these, where it seems like nothing's wrong and all of the sudden he starts treating me like crap, so I react and we're apart for a while, and then he apologises and I take him back. I always thought it was he had problems managing his anger or maybe commitment issues, maybe he gets scared and wants to boycott it when it gets too serious, so I told him that if he didn't get therapy I wouldn't take him back. He did - for a while. And then he went on a two-month trip and claimed he couldn't go on because of it. I've been insisting him to take it back up for months now, but he says he just doesn't have the time for it... and if I insist too much he then gets offended, and everything starts again.

 

Just today I woke up, kissed him, offered him coffee, then got dressed to get milk for the girls because I realised we were out of it, made the girls breakfast. He was just looking at me with sooo much hatred in his eyes. I decided I'd wait since I've been trying to comunicate all week yet he seemed to resist for him to come to me. The older girl had a pijama party, so he was getting ready to pick her up. Just before he left he screamed at my girl because she wouldn't wait for the other girl to get up to breakfast. Then he yelled at me that he didn't want "a mess when he got back". Then slammed the door shut. Once they were both up I told them to tidy up their room and started tidying up mine as well. Then he came back. Didn't say hello. Just from a distance, "is everything alright?". "No", I said. "I'm going to go now and when we get back we'll have a little talk because this can't go on like this". I told him I had no idea what I had done to make him so mad. He then went on a rage about how from the moment I got dressed to get the girls milk from across the street and got back in the house I hadn't tidied up the room. How he says that when he's not around everything's a mess. And then he said that if this goes on, he wants to separate.

 

I just don't know what to do anymore. I really do wish I would have just died on that accident. I am so depressed beyond words. There's nothing I can do to make him happy. There's always something. I'm so sad, because everything seemed to be going really well, like he had his stuff under control, he said it this morning how he had changed so much and I hadn't given in to what he had asked of me at all, it's so frustrating, that is just unfair. I started crying because it just hit me like a ton of bricks to learn he was thinking of breaking up. That only made him madder and started saying I'm such a bad mother for teaching my kids "That" (to cry, I assume? I've no idea). That that's the reason my kid's "like that".

 

I don't know, I just want out. I can just tell there's no way I can be happy like this. I'm miserable with him, and without him. I really do wish I would have just died the day of the accident.

[dreamingoftigers]

First of all, I want to thank you all for taking the time to read my long post and to come up with a reply for it.

Someone mentioned trust issues and hit right on the nail, ever since his childhood he's been groomed to have trust issues, his mother stealing from him (I was even a witness to that!) and saying terrible things about people behind their backs, his father was a womaniser who kept cheating on his mother, everyone's always plotting against someone in his family. He has serious trust issues, so yeah, that's one thing for sure. Someone mentioned his previous relationship experience, and none have been healthy relationships, the mother of his little girls is a coke addict (we've sort of bonded a bit on that experience of being with someone with that problem) and that's why he has custody of them, the other one he's told me some things but I'm not quite sure how to take them because I've only met her briefly, and he said he had cheated on her.

With our "ups and downs" I mean that we've had had problems like these, where it seems like nothing's wrong and all of the sudden he starts treating me like crap, so I react and we're apart for a while, and then he apologises and I take him back. I always thought it was he had problems managing his anger or maybe commitment issues, maybe he gets scared and wants to boycott it when it gets too serious, so I told him that if he didn't get therapy I wouldn't take him back. He did - for a while. And then he went on a two-month trip and claimed he couldn't go on because of it. I've been insisting him to take it back up for months now, but he says he just doesn't have the time for it... and if I insist too much he then gets offended, and everything starts again.

 

Just today I woke up, kissed him, offered him coffee, then got dressed to get milk for the girls because I realised we were out of it, made the girls breakfast. He was just looking at me with sooo much hatred in his eyes. I decided I'd wait since I've been trying to comunicate all week yet he seemed to resist for him to come to me. The older girl had a pijama party, so he was getting ready to pick her up. Just before he left he screamed at my girl because she wouldn't wait for the other girl to get up to breakfast. Then he yelled at me that he didn't want "a mess when he got back". Then slammed the door shut. Once they were both up I told them to tidy up their room and started tidying up mine as well. Then he came back. Didn't say hello. Just from a distance, "is everything alright?". "No", I said. "I'm going to go now and when we get back we'll have a little talk because this can't go on like this". I told him I had no idea what I had done to make him so mad. He then went on a rage about how from the moment I got dressed to get the girls milk from across the street and got back in the house I hadn't tidied up the room. How he says that when he's not around everything's a mess. And then he said that if this goes on, he wants to separate.

 

I just don't know what to do anymore. I really do wish I would have just died on that accident. I am so depressed beyond words. There's nothing I can do to make him happy. There's always something. I'm so sad, because everything seemed to be going really well, like he had his stuff under control, he said it this morning how he had changed so much and I hadn't given in to what he had asked of me at all, it's so frustrating, that is just unfair. I started crying because it just hit me like a ton of bricks to learn he was thinking of breaking up. That only made him madder and started saying I'm such a bad mother for teaching my kids "That" (to cry, I assume? I've no idea). That that's the reason my kid's "like that".

 

I don't know, I just want out. I can just tell there's no way I can be happy like this. I'm miserable with him, and without him. I really do wish I would have just died the day of the accident.

 

Okay.

 

Crownofthorns. I have lived with this relationship dynamic.

I wasn't aware that yours was quite so toxic.

 

And he's got more baggage than Southwest Airlines and is not going back for counseling. IMHO, you are not married and do not have children together. I think this means he has failed the audition for life-partner and that you should remove him immediately. I don't think that you will do that however, so I'll try to, in my half-asleep state help you in ways that I think I might be able to.

 

I still think you should call a halt to it though. Permanently.

 

I'll tell you what. My husband used to kick me in the head the same way, you can't turn the dynamic around until you take back your power.

 

Don't be reactive but you seriously (especially with children by God) need to set your boundaries and your Red Line in stone for what you are going to tolerate in this. That's if you don't want to just toss his ass out this afternoon.

 

I don't think that you currently have the emotional fortitude to do it at the moment.

 

He is genuinely exasperated BUT it is not you (As my ever-so-charming father would say, "I guaran-God-damn-tee it!"). It is HIS issue about how he handles his anger to you and in front of your children. It is TOXIC. He can be blazenly mad as Hell but right now he is abusing you by underlining that a clean room and your obedience is more important than they dignity in which he chooses to treat you. He refuses to reconize your efforts and is finding fault with you. That's abuse.

 

And he is going to push push push you. He's also not going to leave (he will use this as a power card AND he may temporarily go, but will keep bouncing back and forth until things become completely untenable. His track-record shows this too). He is going to act like more and more of an asshat unless you put the boots to this RIGHT NOW.

 

He is going to pull that relationship string every time he gets frustrated about something until you cave and sob your heart out in your bedroom by yourself OR until you get so fed up that you kick him out after much lost time and emotional devastation. He's got you afraid, vulnerable and depressed. And he is going to blame you until it looks like you can't handle his sh*t anymore and then he is going to apologize, soften and give you 10% hope. And then he'll do it again.

 

He's also acting like the victim over housework. When you've been injured. Get real. You aren't his effing slave-maid. Nor are you his subordinate in any way.

 

Plus he's got the family issues etc. I know that one like, well, as well as I know my family. He'll twist your words and intentions until you keep trying to "prove" that he can trust you. Over and over and over. Then he'll resent the Hell out of you for it as you twist yourself in knots because then "you are making him feel guilty" and "why don't you just focus on you, I don't want to hear this crap anymore. Our problems are because you're so emotional."

 

Yeah. Classic attachment problem.

 

IMHO, you guys are dating and he has a crappy track record and is already not keeping promises and agreements.

 

I've been married now for seven years to your husband.

And I'll tell you what, it wasn't until I looked him square in the face and said, "I get that you're upset. But if you want to actually leave this relationship, get your stuff actually packed, get prepped to remove yourself responsibly. Go get the papers to file for divorce and lay the groundwork for them and I'll sign. I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me. Or is only with me out of guilt, shame and obligation. Sure, it hurts but I don't want it. Do whatever you have to do. No one is forcing you to be here."

 

You tell him straight-up. "We are on a team or we're not playing. And if we are on a team, we need to both look up how to address conflict and/or have couple's counseling yesterday."

 

Remember that you are dealing with a petulant four-year old here. Frankly, my four-year old has behaved better than my husband used to.

 

He is under the impression that his feelings override any other reason to treat you with respect. He's wrong. And you are wrong if you accept that.

 

Boundaries by Cloud & Townshend is a great book to help as well.

 

By the way, I held out with my husband for so long because he was so amazing the first three years of our relationship. Then I found out that he was rampantly cheating on me. I was devastated and that's when the rest of his emotionally-abusive demons came out.

 

It doesn't surprise me in the least that he was a "prince" to you. I used to say that mine was a "saint." It's hard to reconcile that image with who you see in front of you now. In fact, he still believes that he's a "prince" that has to "put up with all of this sh*t." Don't own his sh*t. Not one iota. He is an "adult" male that needs to know how to treat a partner. If two divorces weren't a heads-up, maybe he needs one more relationship as icing on his poisoned cake.

 

You have a daughter, right? Look at it from the outside. How much of this is what you want your daughter to have to emotionally face from a partner in the future. If you don't want her accepting it, don't you accept it either.

 

Don't lash back though, you'll just feel guilty. SHOW him that you aren't taking it no matter what button he presses. No matter what you have to "lose." Including him.

 

My advice to you is to 180 divorce-busters style. Ignore every ignorant thing he says to you. Literally refuse to acknowledge that his ignorance has any power at all. Give it no traction. Don't ask "how high?" when he tells you to jump. If he can't make a request or discuss a problem in a civil manner, consider him to not even be asking. I've even had to tell my husband that I won't even acknowledge his ignorant texts, but that I would save them as evidence of verbal and emotional abuse if he wished to persist with them. And he said "You do the same thing! I've had tons of rude and angry texts from you!"

 

Well I am so particular about texting and facebook because I know that things can be taken out of context etc. So I told him to find one and show me an example. He spent half of the damn day going through his phone over the last three years and he couldn't find one. And that was actually a bit of a turning point because it started clueing him into the fact that he was being very inappropriate.

 

Cut his ass off from having you at his disposal. What are you doing today? Don't tell me that you're scrubbing the bottom of his underwear drawer. Go out and have yourself a nice effing day. Go to a park. Relax. Meditate. Center yourself.

 

If you need to talk to someone. We can chat on one of the free chat rooms. No I'm not a perv or a "Nigerian Prince" and don't feel pressured. I just know that when my husband would pull the "I'm leaving" card over the dumbest crap or take off until late at night, that I was emotionally flattened and felt that I couldn't often tell people what was going on in my home because they'd look at me like I was an idiot. I needed someone that "got it." That it hurt, that I sat there in distress wondering if his perception of me was right. Was I manipulating him? Was I trying to hurt him? Was that the wrong way to handle this? What do I do? How did this happen?

 

Ugh. When you start boiling it down to results instead of intentions, it becomes very clear that he doesn't *mean to* abuse you and that he's *frustrated and had a crappy childhood etc.*

 

But you aren't his mother and don't have to keep paying for her mistakes. And he shouldn't be making you. And he is abusing you. Because abuse is a set of behaviours, not a set of intentions. So regardless of what he tells himself he is on the inside: his behaviours are abusive. And that's not okay.

 

It does feel so painful that you wish you could be dead instead of feeling the emotional and physiological effects of being tortured and rejected like this. He is sending you the message that you are unlovable.

[TaraMaiden]

Oh for God's sake, crownofthorns, cut the crap.

leave this, and leave it now.

hew will beg,cajole, seek forgiveness, plead with you to come back/.

 

And if you go back, you'll get more of the same.

maybe not immediately, but sure, a couple of weeks down the line.

 

Please.

Please, please, PLEASE free yourself from this emotional tangle.

 

Do not be a prisoner to someone else's dysfunction.

 

There's no key, there's no lock, there are no bars, save for the ones you have placed there yourself.

 

He has no hold over you, there is no compunction to make you stay.

Your daughters can be witness to your family as to how hateful he truly is.

 

Please, for the love of all you have that is precious to you - leave.

Save your children, and get out.

[dreamingoftigers]

I know. :facepalm:

 

Ugh.

[dreamingoftigers]

CrownofThorns,

 

We both realize that it isn't an easy decision.

 

But this dynamic BEFORE MARRIAGE even, would get much worse.

 

And if he's already shirking his responsibilities and agreements making lame excuses and acting entitled to a great life WHILE shredding you emotionally.....

 

well..... there isn't much wiggle room there.

 

He's not the man that he thinks he is and pretends he's like.

 

He's not the man you thought he was either.

 

So they only options it leaves are to cut out the cancer or keep trying to bring the symptoms into remission.

 

Neither option is attractive. But one is temporary and one is very very draining and honestly takes years to work out.

 

You've already had a very unstable relationship. You are taking too much responsibility for this.

 

If you can at least assign what's his issues back to him, that would be a very healthy starting point.

[TaraMaiden]

You have a daughter:

 

Is this what you want her to learn?

Is this what you want to teach her?

That not only were you in a previously dreadful relationship -

but that now, you're in another one, you - YOU - are making all and every effort to stabilise something that is sinking, and sinking fast??

is this what you want her to learn relationships are about..?!

 

You ow it to her - and to yourself - to clear this thing right away.

Ditch it and move away from it.

 

Look at your daughter.

look at how much you love her.

 

She will repeat this pattern down the line, if you keep doing this.

 

Remember the way he spoke to her.

Remember the way he treated her.

That too - is abuse.

 

Don't let him abuse your daughter and spark hatred in her.

It's not healthy.

(Understatement!!)

 

Please, if only for her sake - go.

Leave.

Do not be party to this for one more day!!

[todreaminblue]

hey crown of thorns, your story bought up some memories for me.......when i was with my ex .....he was a minimalist........stark furnishings not a fan ofclutter.....every day i woudl go through this ritual......trying to have everything done before he got home.....i would feel sick in the stomach....and go from room to room ocd like making sure everything had a place......everything was done......when he worked away from home and was due to come home i wouldnt sleep the night before...i would polish all my silver for hours...seeing non existent spots.............i would make everything perfect.....and gorgeous...i had five kids so it was a battle i was constantly on the move righting what they messed up...........

 

 

 

i would get anxious and physically sick......i dont think he really noticed to tell the truth...he only noticed when it wasnt right..he didnt notice my anxious face..i just wanted him to be happy......and i would make myself sick in the process......i have split up from him for a long time now.....and i have not felt the level of anxiety that i used to feel about my house in a long time...my room is often the mad professors room........i do not miss that half an hour before he arrived home from work.....it was the most debilitating half an hour of my day.......i would have dinner ready i woudl be wearing something he liked.......the kids woudl eb showered...and if things didnt go right....my stomach would not settle for the rest of the night.......from doing things over and over adn over again......just once...it would have been nice for him to say...hey deb....relax its ok.....you dont have to do it again everythign looks so beautiful...not once did he say that......he couldnt see thats what i needed because honestly....he didnt really care to notice what i needed ........

 

 

if you feel anxiety or panic...when it comes to your house when he is around....if you are unwell, you are going to prolong your recovery, it isnt a way to live.....its a way to go insane.......

 

have a serious talk to him about how he makes you feel, i never did have that talk with my ex.....and he still to this day probably doesnt know.....my family knew.............my mum when she came to visit would say ...deb its good enough your house looks perfect...sit down ill make you a cup of tea....i would say "no mum" i have to make sure.......and i would work up my anxiety mode going from room to room to silent scream level.......maybe i should have just screamed and had that talk with my ex with how i felt......

 

have that talk with your partner, and YOU listen to how you feel, and take note of your needs...they are just as important if not more so than his....if you dont look after you....no one else will.....if he truly loves you he wont want to make you feel like crap..DOTN remain silent especially when you need time to heal...in my opinion you are possibly suffering from the blues......look after you.....this guy is not right for you in the way he is treating you...best wishes...deb

[dreamingoftigers]

 

i would get anxious and physically sick......i dont think he really noticed to tell the truth...he only noticed when it wasnt right..he didnt notice my anxious face..i just wanted him to be happy......and i would make myself sick in the process......i have split up from him for a long time now.....and i have not felt the level of anxiety that i used to feel about my house in a long time...my room is often the mad professors room........i do not miss that half an hour before he arrived home from work.....it was the most debilitating half an hour of my day.......i would have dinner ready i woudl be wearing something he liked.......the kids woudl eb showered...and if things didnt go right....my stomach would not settle for the rest of the night.......from doing things over and over adn over again......just once...it would have been nice for him to say...hey deb....relax its ok.....you dont have to do it again everythign looks so beautiful...not once did he say that......he couldnt see thats what i needed because honestly....he didnt really care to notice what i needed ........

 

 

if you feel anxiety or panic...when it comes to your house when he is around....if you are unwell, you are going to prolong your recovery, it isnt a way to live.....its a way to go insane.......

 

Sometimes you don't even notice the anxiety until they're gone and you start realizing how relaxed you are in comparison.

[crownofthorns]

Hey there.

 

Wow. I'm both comforted and sad that some of you seem to understand so well what I'm going through. dreaminoftigers, you certainly get the way I feel. I think I could use a chat with you, but I can't seem to find the option. I'm still getting the hang of this website.

 

I get what you all say. I have thought about it profusely, I just can't seem to find the courage to go ahead with it. And that only makes me feel worse, and it's a downward spyral from then on. But that moment sort of comes in time, I guess.

 

I can say now that I have the mental clarity to know what to do, and even thought about how to go about doing it. I've even contemplated all those other things you miss out on when you break up. Still I've been here before, the feeling that "this is it", and yet I keep going back. And then I feel more stupid. I know I owe it to myself to just let it go. But I just keep trying to find a different way.

 

It's like I can't handle the fact that it doesn't work. Maybe unconsciously I've even joined this forum to see if someone gave me a different answer than "leave him". But that always seems to be the answer, and the right one.

 

Then why can't I just do it? I can't let go of the plans, the dreams, the hope of a better life, of a life where I don't have to row the boat all by myself. I just always felt so alone, and he has helped me more than any other partner I've ever had. It's just hard to let go. All I wanted was someone to make the burden not so heavy. He has been that person from time to time, and no one else has, ever. It's just so hard for me to let go and go back to hacking it alone. Maybe that sounds like an excuse but I'm just so tired of not having anyone else to count on.

 

I am just so tired of everything. Why couldn't we just pull together?

 

All throughout the day I was left alone with the kids. My little girl and his two. Not a single phone call, not a single text was exchanged. Used the day to think. Listen to some Eddie Vedder. Try to get some reading done for college, not too succesfully. Rehearse how I'll break up with him in my head. Then get angry and come up with a real mean revenge. Then reconsider and scratching that. Over and over.

 

Felt sick to my stomach. Can't handle to smile. Can't handle to talk to anybody. Hardly ate anything all day.

 

After dinner was done, and the kids were in bed, I called him up at 11.30 p.m. just to see if he was still alive, or coming, or not. He was at his place. I told him that if he wanted he could stay there tonight and we'll get together tomorrow for my stepdad's birthday. Or he could come. Whichever he chose.

 

His reply? "Am I forced to tell you if I'm going or not?".

 

I just said "no, do whatever you want", and hung up. The thought that he might have been with someone, that there might be someone else popped in my mind. And the thought of that, although it does hurt, doesn't hurt as bad as his behaviour to me. I'd rather he left me for someone else than feeling the way I do. It'd make things easier, wouldn't it?

 

todreaminblue, I understand the anxiety. I understand the frustration of not being noticed. I don't panic, but I'm just repulsed by the thought of him feeling disgusted towards me and completely unaware of what to do to make him happy.

 

I just started looking up for smaller places online. Like, for just me and my daughter. Just to see what's out there. Just to toy with the idea to let love go from my life.

 

I am just so, so tired.

[TaraMaiden]

You need help.

Physical, real tangible help.

You must reach out to someone in your family.

Please, you can't do this on your own.

You need the support and sustenance of someone cose to you who can support you through this and give you strength.

Please - talk to someone in your family - anyone.

 

And let your school/college/Uni whatever, know you're undergoing enormous emotional upheaval now....

 

We can all reach out to you through a computer screen, but there's nothing we can do.

But trust me, it really hurts, honestly, to know you're going through this, and that other than to give you words on a screen, know there's nothing we can do for you.

Damn, I swear, If I was closer to you, I'd get in my damn car NOW - right NOW- and come over, help you pack some stuff and get you and your little girl out of there.

I really would.

God help me, I so really would!!

 

Please! Call a member of your family!