Giha Posted June 7, 2013 Posted June 7, 2013 Ok I am going to vent here. I've already talked about most of this stuff in previous threads, but it helps writing this stuff down as sometimes writing helps me think about things in another perspective as I write. So sorry if this is all too tedious but I just feel I need to pour it out and let off some steam. I try to keep busy most of the time and I don't over this stuff too deeply in my head on a regular basis, but this time it feels like there's no escape...bloody weekends. So anyways, yeah, a month...I've been feeling ok today, up until now. Suddenly it all came crushing down on me, as it does. I feel so guilty right now and I don't know why. I just wish she would've told me what I did that drove her away. I really went the extra mile for her every time, and I wish I knew what the turning point was for her... I know I had my part in this, my heart tells me I'm to blame but when I think rationally I really think every problem we ever had could have been solved. (our only downs were when we had a little misunderstanding, I or her saying something the other misinterpreted and got upset, which was fixed the next day, as was the case the day before we broke up, and it happened about once a month. I really don't consider it a "fight". We never had a real fight, actually). I also tend to think that we might have met too early. She had one BF before me who cheated on her, and it wasn't a very long RS. Part of me tells me that she just wasn't ready or knew how to handle a real mature RS, but then my heart just goes "nah, you just effd up and she didn't really love you on top of that" She never said anything about finding somebody else, and I'm not sure if I regret not asking because it's really bugging me even though I know it doesn't matter as the bottom line is that I don't have her anymore either way, and it doesn't matter if someone else does. Still, I can't help but wonder... But this is also a 1 month celebration for me, and here's some positive stuff! -My gym routine is going pretty well. I feel like I'm making some progress (well, as much progress you can make in a month...). It has been really helpful, both to my mood and my self esteem which obviously had taken a big hit (and it wasn't very high to begin with. She never understood why I didn't feel comfortable taking my shirt off when we hanged at the beach...hopefully with some exercise I will feel comfortable enough to do that. I'm not fat or anything, I just never felt too comfortable with people seeing my body, not even my family) -Finally started trying out 3D modeling and design. I've always wanted to try that. The software I'm trying (Autodesk 3ds max, if you're interested) is pretty complicated but I'm using the help of YouTube "experts" Hopefully I'll get the hang of it. Seems very fun and satisfying. -Got back to hanging with my friends more. I finish work late and I live a bit far from where she lives so we always spent the weekends together, which obviously hurt my friendship. I missed those guys. It's still very weird not being with her on a Friday night, but I'll get past it. Also got back in touch with friends I haven't spoke to in months or even years. It's nice. -Realized I should be more open. I'm generally a pretty shy person, I almost never initiate conversations with people I don't know or even acquaintances. So I'm trying to work on that and sort of "go with the flow"... Amongst other things I try to be more patient. Partly because of the aforementioned "misunderstandings" I've had with the ex. One time after it happened she said I can sometimes be a bit short-tempered and I always thought of myself as a very laid back person so it kinda stuck with me. I want to fix that. -I try to confront triggers head on. It's hard but I do my best not to avoid going to a certain place just because of the memories it brings. I'm not going to let this control me. I need to live. So yeah, overall I try to keep busy and surround myself with people who care about me. It helps. Breaking NC is not an option, I don't think there's a point and I don't think she'd like to hear from me, even though I was very kind to her when we last spoke and she did offer me to stay in contact. So the only direction now left for me is forwards. I'll get past this. From past experience I know memories fade and emotions die, so even if now it feel like it's never going to end I know it will. Just gotta hang in there. (Ha. Look at me. I started writing this stuff on the verge of crying and now I feel pretty good again. I'm sorry this was so long but it really did help spilling everything that bugged me) Take care guys, and have a fun and safe weekend. 5
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