Doll Posted October 8, 2004 Posted October 8, 2004 My fiance and I have a great relationship. Since we got together, once in a while he's asked me (in a joking way) what I'd do if I found out something about him that he hadn't told me. Everytime he said that, I'd freak out. At other times he'd ask me to listen to his reasonings and give him a chance to explain IFI found out something. Anyway, I knew he's been friends with this girl for a while. He'd often talk about her and tell me that they talk on the phone once in a while, etc. (I sort of know her too.) I've always felt very uncomfortable whenever he brought her up. If I brought her up and asked him a question about their relationship, he'd try to avoid the subject...which worried me even more. Just recently, he told me that he was in a relationship with that girl for a few months, a while back (before we were together). He said he didn't tell me because he didn't want me to take it the wrong way. He apologized and swore he'd never hide anything from me. He said he didn't want to lose me. Although I trust and love him a lot, I've started feeling insecure. I know they're still friends...and I feel weird about it. I know it's dumb...but how do I tell him that I feel uncomfortable about his relationship with her? I didn't make a big deal out of this because I didn't want him to regret why he told me. He told me the girl had confessed her feelings for him, and he was majorly flattered. He said he got confused for a few months and thought he liked her too, but things didn't work out, as there were too many differences between them for a relationship beyond friendship. He admits he handled it the wrong way, and that he should've been mature about it, and shouldn't have gone into the relationship based on 'flattery'. I've had one or two serious relationships of my own, but when things didn't work out, they ended on a bitter note so there was no communication between us. Even if someone tried to contact me later on, I never felt comfortable enough to just be friends. There's this guy I used to like whom I'm still friends with, but is that the same as being friends with your ex? I've no problem believing that he loves me....but how do I make myself understand that it's ok for him to still be friends with her?
honey2005 Posted October 9, 2004 Posted October 9, 2004 My ex and I used to be BEST friends (when we were together). I have never felt as close to any guy as I was with him (not sexual wise). One day he decided to end it out of the blue, and I was crushed. I tried to stay friends with him, but that just didn't work. One of us would always bring something up, he'd say something totally mean (like "How does it feel to always be rejected?") and I'd end up crying my eyes out all night. I decided I didn't need that, and I haven't talked to him in months, and I don't plan to ever again. But that's just my experience. Maybe he wasn't "in love" with the girl he's friends with now, and that let's him be friends with her without wanting more. I dunno.
dizi Posted October 9, 2004 Posted October 9, 2004 I used to have a lot of guy friends, some of them ex boyfriends, before I met my fiance. The guy friends that I had probably wanted more than a friendship, but had been my friends for years through thick or thin. The ex boyfriends that I kept as friends were people that could move on and came to the conclusion that we were better off as just friends and split, but kept in contact to see how the other was doing-no big deal-I didn't see them! Well, I've found that when you are in a committed relationship, you should NOT have "friends" of the opposite sex that you spend any time with or talk on the phone to, unless there are children involved. There is too much jealousy and worry...So, my fiance and I decided that it was best if we cut all ties with "friends" of the opposite sex. As a result, there is much more trust in our relationship. Your story sounds much like mine-I had a guy friend that turned into a bit more for a few months (we'd been friends for a long time) but it didn't work out. He and I kept in touch but once he met his now wife, our friendship ended. I totally understand that. I have my best friend...and I don't need anyone else! It just isn't good, really...Maybe I'm wrong here, but this has worked out great for us...It is NOT dumb for you to feel uncomfortable with his relationship with her! You are totally justified, as far as I'm concerned, by telling him that he doesn't need a friendship with her. ESPECIALLY if you are getting married!! Do you have to see her sometimes? And under what circumstances?
Doll Posted October 11, 2004 Posted October 11, 2004 Yeah, they were just friends (not too close). The girl had confessed her feelings for him, and although he didn't really feel the same way, he was flattered enough to pursue it. Over the few months that they were trying to work it out, he says, they realized they weren't too comfortable with each other. They thought it was best to move on, so their relationship didn't end on a bitter note. I guess that's why they're still friends. He tells me he's never felt as comfortable with anyone in his life as he does with me...and that he doesn't know how to prove to me how much he loves me. I sometimes feel awful doubting him and I feel like I'm being such a pain. I guess it's a flaw in me, so I need to work on myself. It just hurt me that he had kept that one relationship from me....even when I had told him about my past relationships. He would often talk about her himself...and I realized they were close. And now that he's told me about their relationship, he says they're not close and that they've only talked a few times on the phone. dizi, she doesn't live in the same city as him. So when we get married, we won't be seeing her. I'm just worried about how I'll feel IF they're still in touch after we're married. I think I'll always feel uncomfortable. I hate this feeling. :-\
dizi Posted October 11, 2004 Posted October 11, 2004 Hey Doll...how long have you been with him? How long have you been engaged? How long has it been since they were an item? Did you ask him why he left the part out about those two having any kind of a relationship other than "just friends"? Why is he just now telling you, and since he's brought up in the past the "joke" about you finding out things he's never told you, is there ANYTHING ELSE, and should you believe him?? Like I said before, my fiance was very uncomfortable with me having JUST friends that were guys. He made me call my friend of 13 years and tell him I couldn't be friends with him anymore in front of him. It was very hard to do, because I thought of him as a brother-nothing ever happened between us. But he DID always want a relationship with me, and I knew it. It wasn't easy, but it was for the best. "He would often talk about her himself...and I realized they were close. And now that he's told me about their relationship, he says they're not close and that they've only talked a few times on the phone." It sounds like you don't live with him, so you don't KNOW how often they talk. I'm not trying to add salt, here...It just sounds fishy. He may be completely innocent and not have any feelings for her anymore. I've done that too, but USUALLY guys keep girls around "just in case". While you are in his life, either she becomes YOUR good friend too, he ends the friendship, or you need to get out of it. You're always going to wonder. Will he be wanting to invite her to the wedding? You say you sort of know her too-how well? Could you call her and shoot the s*it? He kept the relationship a secret for a reason...if he wants a way to PROVE how much he loves you, tell him to make a choice. That's me, though. Other people will have different opinions. Some may think that my fiance and I are too insecure about our relationship, but that's simply not true. I'm very secure, and he is now too... Let "us" know how things are going...I feel for you, I really do!!
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