Accountability101 Posted June 7, 2013 Posted June 7, 2013 Hi everyone, I'm new. I was the OW but I think my story should be posted in this forum. 13 years ago I met a man. He was part of a crew of sub-contractors hired to remodel the office building where I worked. One evening after work everyone met at a nearby watering hole. All the contractors were close friends having worked together for years and some even lived in the same neighborhood or were related to each other. Beers were ordered, stories were told over games of pool. One man in particular, M, was intriguing and entertained me all night. I felt fortunate at the end of the evening when he asked for my number and made a date for the following weekend. When the job was completed he was transferred to another city. I began meeting him in the different locals every evening. I got to know his nephew and neighbors. Most weekends he would take me fishing or dining or boating. So I felt completely blindsided 3 months later when he casually mentioned B his wife. I thought I had misheard, or maybe he meant ex wife. But no he was very much married. The rest of the crew either assumed I knew or couldn't be bothered to enlighten me. At this point I should have ended it. But I didn't. I fantisized that we were in love. His marriage had to be in name only, just look at all the time we spent together. Sometimes 6 days a week. His wife must be a total shrew that made his life miserable. that was why his coworkers supported his infidelity. So I CHOSE to bury my head in the sand, ignore the responsibility I had to do the right thing, and dream of my future with this wonderful man. For 3 years I saw him as often as possible, traveled with him when logistics allowed and when my schedule permitted spent relaxing weekends with him. We had occasional arguments, usually stemming from my confusion at stories and actions that didn't seem logical. One weekend I was pulling into his latest work site intending on waiting for him to finish for the day. I remember barely getting the car in park before he was at the window, in a agitated panicky voice he told me to I needed to leave quickly as his wife was there. I remember be confused by his reaction. Surely his wife knew we were seeing each other. He rarely went home and his relatives had joined us for dinner many times. Things quickly got crazy. B was screaming, M was avoiding both of us. He got in his truck and roared off with B following closely behind trying to force him to stop. That night I was confronted with the fact that most of what I believed true were lies. B thought he was always working overtime evenings and weekends. He was living two lives and those that were aware of the duality kept his secrets. That was the beginning of the end. His cover was blown so no more living the single life. I had an unexpected pregnancy and although I lost the bAby, most of my time was spent grieving the loss of him. I had loaned him money for an unexpected repair thinking stupidly that I could prove my trust and loyality to him. I was in too deep to question why he never felt the same need. I stopped eating, rarely slept and fell into a deep depression. I ended up losing my job, the loan was never repaid and forclosure occurred before the year was out. I came crawling back to the town I grew up in and slowly regained sanity. I found sites like this one and tried to read everything I could in order to make sense of it all. One common note I discovered was that every OW seems to feel that this affair is a deep love between soul mates and becomes a addiction. I felt the same way. I had ended relationships in the past with pain but not this gut wrenching "I can't live without you" drama. Then I realized the difference. M had created this perfect love out of false praise. Telling me exactly what I needed to hear. I in turn never questioned the intensity. B and I talked all those years ago. But I was jealous of her for holding on to my love. And my lingering loyality to M had me sugar coating the truth she asked for. The only thing we accomplished was to blame each other and ourselves in turn. Fast forward 10 years and M calls. He had turned up every once in a while over the years by phone or email but never face to face. We talked. And talked, and talked. And by the end of the week I had agreed to meet him. What a monumentally stupid thing to do. He began creating the romantic intensity texting me 50-100 times a day. I think I wanted/needed to believe his lies, excuses, fabrications to somehow justify my relationship with him and all that it cost me. If he REALLY DID LOVE ME, then bankrupting myself emotionally and financially would have been worth, If it were true, I wasn't a fool. Having been down the road before, I quickly realized that he wasn't concerned in the least if B or I got hurt. He was a cocky immature man that thought he deserved whatever he wanted and would create any story to get it. Nothing had changed. When I refused to shelter or support him, he thru tantrums and withdrew. Quickly finding another woman to woo. For whatever reason he would tell me of his plans with this fresh victim. Those plans included leaving his wife unannounced, taking everything of value , and leaving the responsibility of the bills to her. I made the decision to call her. I would love to claim that my sole reason was to warn her, but there was some revenge in there to. I wanted to out him in his latest lies and hurt him. But that night B and I talked. Really talked like adult women . I made a promise to her to answer any questions she had as honestly as I could. We talked daily, for hours. Sometime laughing, sometimes crying. I learned so much about the pain I caused her and was gifted with the chance to ask for her forgiveness which she graciously granted. I discovered I was not his first affair, not even in the top 10. I discovered B had a history of being abused and deserted by those she loved. I discovered I can rationalize things I KNOW are wrong when they make me feel good. He ended up doing just what he promised and left her with nothing when he ran off chasing his latest urge. But she and I have vacationed together, worked through getting her financially solvent and our friendship grows daily. I know I will never be able to undo the pain I caused her, but I believe our relationship has lessened it some. 12
Confused48 Posted June 7, 2013 Posted June 7, 2013 Wow. Very interesting. Could be a great movie plot. Thanks for sharing. I hope others can learn from reading this without having to go through everything you did. One question, you said "sites like this." Do you recommend other sites? 1
angie2443 Posted June 7, 2013 Posted June 7, 2013 It kind of sounds like you grew up a little through the experience. I'm curious, were you young when the affair started? Sorry if I missed it in the post. Anyways, it's kind of cool that you guys are friends now. Good luck with things. 2
Author Accountability101 Posted June 8, 2013 Author Posted June 8, 2013 Sorry I don't remember the forum sites that I cruised a decade ago. The might not exist anymore. And my memory is virtually useless. I wish I had the excuse of youth, but I was almost 40 at the time. But definitely naive. I had been fortunate enough, previous to M, to have healthy honest relationships with men that allowed us to remain friends after we outgrew the romance. I still remember trying to wrap my mind around his need to lie about ...well everything....even when the truth would do.
wifehurtheart Posted June 8, 2013 Posted June 8, 2013 (edited) Wow.......quite a story. He sounds like he could be the poster boy for narcissism. Kudos to you for reaching out to B after all those years and finally granting her the truth she so desperately needed. IMO, truthfulness after the devastation of deception is the biggest single factor in the emotional recovery of both those who have either been deceived or have been the deceiver. After all, it is truth and trust that have been destroyed, so any hope of recovering and restoring trust has to be built first on the genuine efforts of anyone involved to be absolutely and totally sincere about telling the truth. Good for you also for helping her recover from the devastating mess he left her with. The situations that LS members post in this forum are brutally painful and life-changing, but it is surprising that in spite of the incredible pain that infidelity inflicts on almost everyone involved (except the narcissists, of course) many ultimately end up in a much better place. I guess that’s called “life”. Glad you found your way out…..keep loving yourself! Edited June 8, 2013 by wifehurtheart 1
Artie Lang Posted June 10, 2013 Posted June 10, 2013 i don't think even M. Night Shyamalan could've written a better twist ending. 1
threelaurels Posted June 10, 2013 Posted June 10, 2013 I can relate to your story. I'm not going to go into the complexities, but I developed a close friendship with the OW in my situation after the cheating came to light. I'm glad both you and her got a happy ending. You are both much better off without him. I had loaned him money for an unexpected repair thinking stupidly that I could prove my trust and loyality to him. I learned this one the hard way too with an ex. I gave him a car because he really needed one at the time. He ended up using the car to cheat on me with random people from Craigslist and broke up with me two months later. Never making that mistake again 1
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