When economics impede communication in LDR (to Haiti)

[Nerona]

Hey,

 

I am a german girl (22) having a LDR to a wonderful man (28) in Haiti. But it's terribly hard for me (esp. for a lack of contact and economic problems) and my friends really don't understand me at all so primarily I'm searching for companions suffering from the same to share our experiences and tipps how to deal with the whole situation. I'm especially interested in LDR with economic problems that constrain your communication as it's always easier to endure something when you hear that you're not the only one confronted with such an amount of obstacles.

 

I'll just start with a "short" update on our story:

Last August I went to Spain for studying abroad for 8 months. I met my future boyfriend in a language course and after about two weeks he told me he wanted to get to know me better, which really was a huge shock for me as I had never viewed him with any amorous interest - not at all!

But he really didn't give up fighting so finally he got me

So we ended up as a happy couple although already then it was a very difficult situation: he had to finish his master's thesis so most of the time we spent together was at night. But apart from that we had lots of contact personally, per fb, phone and whatsapp. We couldn't live without each other.

On 27th of October, after having finished his studies, he had to to visit part of his family in the USA. His plan was to get a grant to return to Spain for doing his doctorate in January. So, we didn't know if our 2-months-love already was strong enough to endure a 3-months-separation, but we wanted to try. Unfortunately he never got a grant, so in January he returned to his homeland Haiti to find work and earn some money. But hey, we made it - thanks to Skype and Whatsapp (although with some difficulties).

 

So NOW he's in Haiti and that's where the real big problem starts. All the time really hasn't been easy for me but now it's harder than ever.

He didn't find a job straight away (as far as I'm informed he doesn't have one still) which means he doesn't have money. Means he can't afford internet to use skype. Means he can't afford a new mobile (as his old one's keyboard has been making trouble for a long time already and now has nearly ceased to operate, so there's nothing with written communication like Whatsapp or fb). Means he's permanently on search for a job and often quite busy - that PLUS 6h of time difference often impede communication ot calling him at an acceptable hour for me.

 

So, all the time I've supported him, cutting back on my own necessities. But we haven't talked to nearly three weeks now (well, during one week I tried to reach him and he always was busy or with his phone nearly dead or not feeling well) and I've really got a bunch of problems my own at the moment and would need him that desperately. He wrote me that he was on a training the whole week and therefore out all the time. Which might mean he's found a job which would be wonderful news. And I know that you really have to invest a lot of time into a new job, so I don't want to pressure him. But I'm not sure about that and am aching to talk to him...

 

Anybody confronted with similar problems that can tell me his experiences? I would appreciate any motivation

 

(And sorry for the length, I really would have so much more topics to write about after 7 months of separation^^)

[justwhoiam]

Anybody confronted with similar problems that can tell me his experiences? I would appreciate any motivation

You can search threads by "Island Girl" in this LDR forum, but there was no happy ending...

[LittleTiger]

Hi Nerona, welcome to LS. Sorry to hear things aren't going well for you.

 

I'd love to be able to give you some words of encouragement but if you aren't able to talk for several weeks at a time that is going to put a massive strain on your relationship. How do you even have a relationship with someone you have very little contact with?

 

Do you have plans for the future? Plans to be together permanently I mean. If so, what are they? How long will you have to endure this time apart with so little contact?

[Nerona]

@justwhoiam: thanks a lot for your advice! Indeed it helped a lot reading a bit from Islandgirl and gave me hope that we really can make it. Gorgeous!

 

@LittleTiger: yeah, that's one big problem, actually. Well, more or less we're ignoring that topic. Not because we want to but due to the little contact the last months there always was too little time to talk about such big decisions. (I mean, it's really expensive to call and I'm a student without work until recently, so...).

Furthermore, I'm pretty sure it would put an extra pressure on him discussing that as long as he hasn't found work to earn his living in Haiti let alone for emigrating to another country so I wouldn't start the topic, either. Although it's really bothering me, yes...

 

I mean, we haven't even come to an decision about when to see each other next time because of his financial issues, so...

 

Let's go step by step We're living more or less in the present at the moment.

[justwhoiam]

If he has an old cell phone, you should be able to text him for free from the Internet:

- some email accounts allow this feature

- internet keys allow you to text any number for free or within the flat rate you bought

 

For him to text back, see if he can buy a prepaid card with little credit in it.

Digicel will allow him to text you at 6 HTG per SMS (around $0.14). If he texted you twice a day, he would spend $ 8 per month. If it's too much, I guess you can pay his credit for him. NatCOM is even less expensive (5 HTG). You can also check Comcel/Voila and Haitel.

 

I don't think it can work for long if you hear from him once a month.

[Nerona]

Thank you a lot for that information, justwhoiam!

 

Although it's not just economics - it's his personality, too, that's making it very difficult :/ Actually, he's the kind of opposite to me when it comes to dealing with problems (although in other aspects we're most similar): he's backing out and it seems that he finds it to be very difficult to keep in touch with me in those times while I want more and more contact. And, addressing this conflict one time he told me he didn't like texting. That he could talk to me on the phone for hours but texting simply seemed dull to him.

Quite an unhappy constellation, I know. And I am enduring a lot due to this. But somehow I'm not willing to quit only because of this **** distance-matter Although I thought about it a lot of times, already (esp. during the two "special";) weeks a month when I'm very sensitive and he's not available).

 

But thanks, always a topic to work on so probably I'll introduce it some time soon again.

[justwhoiam]

If he's backing out... it's going to die soon. So just wait and see... Anyway, I hate texting too, but when it was the only means to get in touch with him, it was a continuous back and forth, and from my mobile it was 0.50€ each outgoing text for me!

[Nerona]

Well, he has been backing out every time he has had problems right from the beginning so for me that's not really an indicator of him not loving me (what makes it the less understandable why he's doing this to me, though). Even when we were physically together in Spain there would be days like these.

And we're already making it go on for more than 7 months including conflicts and all that. That's what I am holding on to.

 

But yes, he's a very complicated guy (not that he didn't warn me ) and nothing suited to a LDR really. But what the hell shall I do?! I love him deeply. Like I never loved anyone before. And I don't want to give up on someone so special.

Edited June 11, 2013 by Nerona

[justwhoiam]

Well, he has been backing out every time he has had problems right from the beginning so for me that's not really an indicator of him not loving me (what makes it the less understandable why he's doing this to me, though). Even when we were physically together in Spain there would be days like these.

That doesn't sound positive, you know, don't you?

 

And we're already making it go on for more than 7 months including conflicts and all that. That's what I am holding on to.

Start reading about the concept of stringing someone along...

 

But what the hell shall I do?! I love him deeply. Like I never loved anyone before. And I don't want to give up on someone so special.

It's fine. I think it's a stage of your life and you can give it a try. Had you been 30, I would have suggested you move on quickly. But you're only 22. We all live and learn.

[Nerona]

That doesn't sound positive, you know, don't you?

 

Yes, I do know that (or that it seems like it). But maybe I expressed myself in a wrong way. It's not that he wouldn't talk to me or ignore me, just be quite absent-minded and preoccupied sometimes trying to find solutions to his bunch of problems - which I totally can understand (of course, though, it's not easy to bear).

Also, he has quite a strong masculine gender-role so for him it's a man's task to solve his problems on his own and not to bother his woman with yet to take responsibility for her But from time to time I'm pushing him on that

 

At least he's aware of that topics and we talk openly about it and try to converge on them^^

 

Start reading about the concept of stringing someone along...

 

Yeah, I already thought about that a few times (although didn't know there's a name to that). But am convinced that's not what he's doing. Anyway, which advantages would he have from stringing me along?

I am a student without money - he knows that.

There's definitely no sexual advantage with a distance of 8000km

He knows I would never marry him at this stage of our relationship - nor does he seem to have major intentions to move to Germany. In the beginning he mentioned that he might live here with me one day but some time ago he actually said that he didn't consider that at the moment. So no advantage there for him.

Of course, from time to time I am encouraging and motivating him. But it seems to me that would not be worth stringing me along as he's getting challenged by me quite a few times.

 

On tuesday we talked for over an hour and I told him that I was very hurt by his non-communicating the last 2-3 weeks. I confess he seems to not have totally understood my point, yet, because from his point of view he's very stressed and busy (which definitely will be true, just that it doesn't mean that he can simply assume I'm fine and he can keep me waiting). But he definitely noticed that I was quite on the edge of breaking up. So he proposed coming here in July already (although we both know he doesn't even roughly possess the ressources to do so). And when I called wednesday (because there still is a lot to talk about) and he was occupied he really was so nervous about having to decline talking to me and tried to explain why he couldn't in a thousands of ways. That showed me that he was actually afraid of loosing me - and it was really so cute Those moments simply make forget all the pain...

Edited June 14, 2013 by Nerona

[Nerona]

We broke up.

 

So I've got left two calling cards (Goupil, bought on gobananas.de) that served me very well but that I won't need any more so I was wondering if anybody could make use of them? They've got a 10€ and 5€ charge, respectively.

[HeavenOrHell]

Aw, sorry it didn't work out It did sound very difficult.

Wishing you all the best.

 

 

 

We broke up.

 

So I've got left two calling cards (Goupil, bought on gobananas.de) that served me very well but that I won't need any more so I was wondering if anybody could make use of them? They've got a 10€ and 5€ charge, respectively.

[Nerona]

Thank you, HeavenOrHell. I appreciate your sympathy.

No, unfortunately he didn't possess the power and will to continue struggling against all the difficulties So we both will have to move on...

[justwhoiam]

Chronicle of a Breakup Foretold...

 

The positive thing is you're 22 and it's Summer. It plays into your hands!