Stay Posted June 6, 2013 Posted June 6, 2013 No contact, little contact, all confusing! Male Dumpee here and still would very much like to be with her, she thinks we're too comfortable and she wants to see if we're together for comfort or love so she decides she wants space. She said I lacked affection and it was because I was too focused on school and neglected what was in front of me. She's afraid to get back because she might be hurt again and I feel like she has her guard up, she wants to feel a certain way but tries to not feel like that. She tells me she's confused how she feels because one moment she feels great then another she's sad, etc. Anyways we've been apart for about 3 months but still lived together for those 3 months, officially moved out a week ago. She'll text me and I'll reply, other than that I don't initiate but it's also confusing because the reason this happened was because I didn't show her the love, how can I possibly do that now if I'm not suppose to talk to her. At the moment I'm giving her some space to hopefully allow her to miss me? Now that I'm actually not around her everyday. She wants to take me out to dinner for helping her with stuff. If she didn't want anything to do with me she wouldn't even do that right? Even if I helped, if I didn't want to lead someone into the direction then I wouldn't do that. I also made it clear what I wanted and she knows this.
totallylost5040 Posted June 7, 2013 Posted June 7, 2013 Same thing sort of happened to me..... I'm doing my own thing now and she wanted to get pics of us from our vacation, I told her I'd do when I have time... this was 2-3 weeks after no contact and after basically destroying my heart (I won't mention what she did)... so I sent her back an email telling that I'm busy and I'll send when I can and now she's talking me over gchat. ugh. The reason why she left you is because you (like me) got too comfortable and probably didn't get the romance she needed.... so be assertive and be the man... go when YOU have time not when she can. Don't go until you have time, make her go when YOU want to go. She may see you in a different light, get your own life and do your own things... nothing is more attractive to another person than having your own life. 1
landshark Posted June 7, 2013 Posted June 7, 2013 Ok, Stay, you made a mistake called "terminal dumb guy syndrome", you got comfortable. I agree with the previous post go to dinner on your terms and DO NOT contact her. In the mean time, take a hard look at yourself, did you really get comfortable and how? What can you do differently? When/if you go to dinner, do not bring up the relationship but show confidence and be matter of fact. If it comes up, ask her details about why she thinks you got comfortable. Own it if you have to...then tell how things will be different, oh, and don't promise anything you can't deliver...
totallylost5040 Posted June 7, 2013 Posted June 7, 2013 Correct, be confident..... its ok to make contact if you seem and are confident, women can sense those things.. contacting her out of fear, it'll be easily detectable... but if you are a confident person, go ahead and contact her. Fear = scared = needy = not sexy in a woman's eyes.
Simon Phoenix Posted June 7, 2013 Posted June 7, 2013 She's being nice with the dinner invitation. That's basically it. I'd give her space. NC is the way, at least for now. 2
Author Stay Posted June 7, 2013 Author Posted June 7, 2013 Same thing sort of happened to me..... I'm doing my own thing now and she wanted to get pics of us from our vacation, I told her I'd do when I have time... this was 2-3 weeks after no contact and after basically destroying my heart (I won't mention what she did)... so I sent her back an email telling that I'm busy and I'll send when I can and now she's talking me over gchat. ugh. The reason why she left you is because you (like me) got too comfortable and probably didn't get the romance she needed.... so be assertive and be the man... go when YOU have time not when she can. Don't go until you have time, make her go when YOU want to go. She may see you in a different light, get your own life and do your own things... nothing is more attractive to another person than having your own life. I'm trying to be confident and assertive. If we're going to do something I would just say what we're doing instead of asking her if she'd like to go. Telling her lets go instead of would you like to? When I helped her I said i'll be over at whatever time instead of asking if she'd like me to help. I don't know if this is the same confidence but that's what I've been doing. I am trying to live my own life but should I spontaneously do things with her to just show her I'm still here too? Ok, Stay, you made a mistake called "terminal dumb guy syndrome", you got comfortable. I agree with the previous post go to dinner on your terms and DO NOT contact her. In the mean time, take a hard look at yourself, did you really get comfortable and how? What can you do differently? When/if you go to dinner, do not bring up the relationship but show confidence and be matter of fact. If it comes up, ask her details about why she thinks you got comfortable. Own it if you have to...then tell how things will be different, oh, and don't promise anything you can't deliver... Yes, I feel like a terminally stupid and useless guy. I got comfortable by not doing the small stuff I use to.. too focused with school that I don't think about the small compliments I should be giving her, physical touches, hugs, etc. It's been busy and stressful but shes just as important to me as any other thing in my life. What can I do differently is not seeing the relationship as a side thing but seeing it as important as my career, life, etc. We've already talked about this and I told her what I want and how I see it now, what I'm doing to break that bad habit. I have been getting rid of all the negative things in my life to better myself, she told me to not do it for her and I told her I'm not, I'm doing it for myself because that's what I want. I try not to bring up the relationship at all because I think it makes me take steps backwards.. I try to just have fun and show her a good time.. Relax and laugh with me, etc. But sometimes in the back of my mind I feel like she might be taking it as a "friend" thing? I made it clear what I want so I feel like if she didn't want the same she wouldn't allow me to do certain things or would avoid me. Correct, be confident..... its ok to make contact if you seem and are confident, women can sense those things.. contacting her out of fear, it'll be easily detectable... but if you are a confident person, go ahead and contact her. Fear = scared = needy = not sexy in a woman's eyes. I contact her to talk about stuff. Do you have examples of contact out of fear? Is that like speaking about the relationship? Not sure if I'm thinking about the same fear as you are. Other than that I usually don't initiate contact and let her do it, from there I talk normally and excitingly. She's being nice with the dinner invitation. That's basically it. I'd give her space. NC is the way, at least for now. That's what I think too but at the same time it could be an excuse for her to hang out with me. She didn't offer right away but instead the next day so she might have given it some thought, it was on her mind and not a natural thing. I'm giving her space, all she wants but she's been contacting me just asking for help on stuff.. I can't just ignore it because it's informative stuff that she needs help with. Not random things. Sometimes she'll talk about things with me though, about our dog and just stuff she needs. Same talk as we had when we were together sorta.
Simon Phoenix Posted June 7, 2013 Posted June 7, 2013 Dude, you are way overthinking everything. That's another reason to go NC -- if you are twisting your brain into a pretzel like this away from her, there's no way you are going to put your best foot forward if you do see her. You need to relax. She thought it'd be nice to take you to dinner. That's probably it. You are trying to figure out the space shuttle launch right now. 2
landshark Posted June 7, 2013 Posted June 7, 2013 Ok, Stay, you're on the right path but these changes you're making must be demonstrable, read, you don't have to tell her, show her. The other thing is that hanging around with her is fine, if there is some progress. If she's just paling around with you and keeping it platonic then she's probably just trying to make herself feel better about the breakup and needs company. Simultaneously, every time you get together with her in this way, you get closer to friendzone...
Author Stay Posted June 7, 2013 Author Posted June 7, 2013 Dude, you are way overthinking everything. That's another reason to go NC -- if you are twisting your brain into a pretzel like this away from her, there's no way you are going to put your best foot forward if you do see her. You need to relax. She thought it'd be nice to take you to dinner. That's probably it. You are trying to figure out the space shuttle launch right now. You're right I am, I need to stop doing that and just take it as it is. Ok, Stay, you're on the right path but these changes you're making must be demonstrable, read, you don't have to tell her, show her. The other thing is that hanging around with her is fine, if there is some progress. If she's just paling around with you and keeping it platonic then she's probably just trying to make herself feel better about the breakup and needs company. Simultaneously, every time you get together with her in this way, you get closer to friendzone... Just taking it slowly but I'm somewhat unclear which way it's going. I feel like there is some progress but it's slow which I'm fine with. Also she seems to have her guard up so there might be progress but she'll try to protect herself so it might seem like that progress didn't go anywhere but it's just her trying to be safe at the moment which I totally understand. I don't think it's platonic because we had times where we did kiss, hugs, little flirting, etc. 2-3 weeks ago I even felt and saw that look she gives me so it's not platonic but her guard is making it seem like it. I hope time will allow her guard to come down and she could just feel what feelings come.
LifeGoesOnMan Posted June 19, 2013 Posted June 19, 2013 I have a similar situation, with dinner (on Thursday), hows things going?
Author Stay Posted June 20, 2013 Author Posted June 20, 2013 I have a similar situation, with dinner (on Thursday), hows things going? It's sorta weird. I don't initiate texts or contact at all but she contacts me literally everyday... sharing things or just to ask my opinion on things. People say go NC but every situation is different and I understand why people should go NC... to not be emotionally down and to heal. Our situation was difficult because she didn't see those actions that spoke louder than words so it's complicated on what I should do.. Ignore too much and it's bad I think personally and give too much it's also bad. So all I'm doing is giving her the space she wants and still keeping it friendly and talk normally. We went to an amusement park this past weekend and HAD A BLAST! It was very fun and she kept saying it over and over how much fun she had. I agreed and felt good about the day. I'm unsure if this is making things worst but I feel like it's making things better slowly but surely.. It's kinda like friends re-dating again. We shared drinks, fed each other, etc.. Felt like how it was. But of course at times I am worried about being just a friend but I can only think that's all we are at the moment. The fact that she wants to do this with me shows that she is allowing things to open up and see from there. She also says things like "we make a great team" when I help her with things, etc. I'm really not analyzing anything and just taking it as it is because all that's going to do is make things worst for me.. My birthday is coming up and she asked what I was doing and if I would like to have dinner with her. I agreed and jokingly said, "It's a date" and she said "Unless you already have a hot date"
PDunny Posted June 20, 2013 Posted June 20, 2013 (edited) OK. Go out with her to dinner. Tell her you need to focus on you. To make things better. Go LC for a week. Responding politely with updates on how your doing. After a week tell her you want to go out on a date. PLAN it out. If she's says no, ask if she would mind if you went with someone else. Tell her you just need a break frombeing alone and nothing sexual will happen. Ask someone you both know and make sure it is a wonderful date and that nothing happens. If she says yes to the date, your in. Do all her favorite things etc. Let her know beforehand it is a romantic date! Main thing is to take that week off improving yourself. Make a list of things where you were wrong and how you can improve it. Edited June 20, 2013 by PDunny
landshark Posted June 20, 2013 Posted June 20, 2013 It's sorta weird. I don't initiate texts or contact at all but she contacts me literally everyday... sharing things or just to ask my opinion on things. People say go NC but every situation is different and I understand why people should go NC... to not be emotionally down and to heal. Our situation was difficult because she didn't see those actions that spoke louder than words so it's complicated on what I should do.. Ignore too much and it's bad I think personally and give too much it's also bad. So all I'm doing is giving her the space she wants and still keeping it friendly and talk normally. We went to an amusement park this past weekend and HAD A BLAST! It was very fun and she kept saying it over and over how much fun she had. I agreed and felt good about the day. I'm unsure if this is making things worst but I feel like it's making things better slowly but surely.. It's kinda like friends re-dating again. We shared drinks, fed each other, etc.. Felt like how it was. But of course at times I am worried about being just a friend but I can only think that's all we are at the moment. The fact that she wants to do this with me shows that she is allowing things to open up and see from there. She also says things like "we make a great team" when I help her with things, etc. I'm really not analyzing anything and just taking it as it is because all that's going to do is make things worst for me.. My birthday is coming up and she asked what I was doing and if I would like to have dinner with her. I agreed and jokingly said, "It's a date" and she said "Unless you already have a hot date" Now when you go out do not bring up the relationship, just let it happen. Be light and airy, but do take an inventory on what you need to improve on and be ready to show it. Words mean nothing. Again, look for progress. If no progress, back to LC...or better NC...
Author Stay Posted June 20, 2013 Author Posted June 20, 2013 Now when you go out do not bring up the relationship, just let it happen. Be light and airy, but do take an inventory on what you need to improve on and be ready to show it. Words mean nothing. Again, look for progress. If no progress, back to LC...or better NC... I haven't been talking about the relationship for at least a month now. Didn't want to bring it up no matter how hard it was at times. It's just complicated how I'm not sure where it's going.. I honestly feel like it's going on a good path but path of friends or lovers? But I guess you gotta be friends again in order to regain those loving feelings right? I offered to help her with some stuff and she seems like she genuinely is happy that I'm doing that.. Which was sorta our issue before with me not being emotionally there for her. But patience is the key here because we didn't get into a relationship overnight and this is a little like treating it as a new relationship.
Author Stay Posted June 20, 2013 Author Posted June 20, 2013 OK. Go out with her to dinner. Tell her you need to focus on you. To make things better. Go LC for a week. Responding politely with updates on how your doing. After a week tell her you want to go out on a date. PLAN it out. If she's says no, ask if she would mind if you went with someone else. Tell her you just need a break frombeing alone and nothing sexual will happen. Ask someone you both know and make sure it is a wonderful date and that nothing happens. If she says yes to the date, your in. Do all her favorite things etc. Let her know beforehand it is a romantic date! Main thing is to take that week off improving yourself. Make a list of things where you were wrong and how you can improve it. Thanks! I'm not sure how that dating someone else thing is going to work as I feel like that's just proving myself that I can't be alone. But I will keep in mind about asking her out on a date.
landshark Posted June 20, 2013 Posted June 20, 2013 I haven't been talking about the relationship for at least a month now. Didn't want to bring it up no matter how hard it was at times. It's just complicated how I'm not sure where it's going.. I honestly feel like it's going on a good path but path of friends or lovers? But I guess you gotta be friends again in order to regain those loving feelings right? I offered to help her with some stuff and she seems like she genuinely is happy that I'm doing that.. Which was sorta our issue before with me not being emotionally there for her. But patience is the key here because we didn't get into a relationship overnight and this is a little like treating it as a new relationship. Being in the friend zone has a very short window if you want to get back together. You have to offer her something down the road. Good that you're working on the stuff that broke you up. Yes, you need to build a new relationship based on the good parts of the old one and learning and improving on the bad. Patience, believe me, only goes so far too, and will soon be seen as doormat type behavior. Be there for her, Stay, but only so much...
Simon Phoenix Posted June 20, 2013 Posted June 20, 2013 You don't have to talk about the relationship necessarily, but you have to escalate the flirting and start making moves. 1
Author Stay Posted June 20, 2013 Author Posted June 20, 2013 (edited) That sounds like a good idea.. I've done a little bit of flirting, not much at all just minor jokes like "It's a date then" and just joking around about being her personal helper, etc. more verbally flirting I guess you can say but I think it might be time to up it a bit. Personally I don't think kissing is the right time right now? Also we're going to go to a park with our dog and I thought I'd bring some food, etc. for a picnic. It's small yet very thoughtful I would think but not over the top. This whole thing people are saying go NC and wait until the dumper asks for you back which I somewhat understand but in my particular situation I feel like I have to take some action, am I right? It's just a battle between these 2 that are keeping me from doing what I want sometimes. Another thing which I'm not going to over analyze.. She's been asking me opinions about her place which she never had asked before. Specifically about the decorations, asking what I think of it and pretty much getting my "ok" and having me agree before purchasing something. I am somewhat overthinking this and feeling like she's asking my opinion if we ever do live together again so it'll still be "ours" That's just something that ran across my mind, it helped me feel better but that's all I'm taking it as.. I'm not going to think too much into that because it's bad. Edited June 20, 2013 by Stay
Simon Phoenix Posted June 20, 2013 Posted June 20, 2013 That sounds like a good idea.. I've done a little bit of flirting, not much at all just minor jokes like "It's a date then" and just joking around about being her personal helper, etc. more verbally flirting I guess you can say but I think it might be time to up it a bit. Personally I don't think kissing is the right time right now? Also we're going to go to a park with our dog and I thought I'd bring some food, etc. for a picnic. It's small yet very thoughtful I would think but not over the top. This whole thing people are saying go NC and wait until the dumper asks for you back which I somewhat understand but in my particular situation I feel like I have to take some action, am I right? It's just a battle between these 2 that are keeping me from doing what I want sometimes. You should have gone NC, but since you didn't, you might as well keep escalating. I would definitely go for kissing soon -- at the very least you need to ramp up the physical flirting (touching her arm, holding hands, stuff like that). If she rebuffs you and gives the "we're just friends" speech, then you go NC ASAP.
Author Stay Posted June 20, 2013 Author Posted June 20, 2013 You should have gone NC, but since you didn't, you might as well keep escalating. I would definitely go for kissing soon -- at the very least you need to ramp up the physical flirting (touching her arm, holding hands, stuff like that). If she rebuffs you and gives the "we're just friends" speech, then you go NC ASAP. Yea you're probably right I should have but I just couldn't do it completely. Apart from answering her, I don't initiate at all. So it's just Little Contact but I know it could have made things better if I did completely NC. We'll see where things are in a week. But yes thanks, I think that's a great way to gauge where things are at without talking about it.
Author Stay Posted June 26, 2013 Author Posted June 26, 2013 So when we had time I got close to her and she just asked, "What are you doing?" talking about me getting really close to her.. I sorta forgot the rest but it was pretty much her saying that's not right. Another thing is I slapped her butt one time to be playful and mess around then another time I did this knee thing to her butt we use to do to mess around and she said "That's not appropriate" She's telling me this as in I shouldn't do it but is it a "friendzone" thing or more of a "slow down" we're not there yet. I'm confused but I'm starting NC.. hopefully it will allow her to miss me and at least get some attraction sparked.
Author Stay Posted July 2, 2013 Author Posted July 2, 2013 Well at least I can say I don't have to worry about this anymore..she told me she had been talking to someone. It hurts but I'm more hurt from the betrayal I feel and how I thought I knew someone but didn't.
Simon Phoenix Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 Well at least I can say I don't have to worry about this anymore..she told me she had been talking to someone. It hurts but I'm more hurt from the betrayal I feel and how I thought I knew someone but didn't. Well, hopefully this gets you to actually go NC and step away from this whole thing. At least you made an effort to escalate instead of staying in the yo-yo status of being in the friendzone while still wanting to get things restarted. She almost certainly will contact you in the near future about something. You have to stay strong and not respond. She doesn't want to date you, so she doesn't get to have you in any way.
Author Stay Posted July 2, 2013 Author Posted July 2, 2013 Too much damage done..I never want to hear or see her. Any advice on how to get the thoughts of her and the other person out of my mind? I keep thinking about them.
Simon Phoenix Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 Too much damage done..I never want to hear or see her. Any advice on how to get the thoughts of her and the other person out of my mind? I keep thinking about them. Time, patience and just trying to concentrate on other things. Maybe work out more, take up a new hobby, meet and hang out with new people. The thoughts aren't going to disappear overnight, but they'll become less and less dominant as time goes on. The more you are active in other parts of your life, the quicker that process will take shape. But it will take time.
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